hisdevoted1
Posts: 4
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
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Greetings. I have been given permission to post and participate on these forums by my Master, and I post today seeking advice.
Master and I met two and a half years ago. At first, we were both only looking for casual S&M play, but before we knew it, we were in love and developing a relationship outside of the playroom. Play took a backseat more and more often, and our visits focused on just spending time together, talking, and all the mushy stuff people in love tend to do. We tried to play many times, intending to go right back to the edge play we both so enjoy, but it felt different, and we made excuses... not feeling our best, stress at home and with family situations, just needing to cuddle and reconnect, the timing wasn't right, etc. When we did try to play hard, things were different. He was much more defferential, more cautious and afraid of hurting me, even though we both wanted it. He wanted to be sure I wanted to be there and stopped tying me up, preferring that I stay in place as a show of my want to desire to be there and play. My tears were suddenly a sign that I was in real distress and wanted to stop, even if I said that was NOT the case.
With my former Dom, and when I first started playing with my Master, I was always restrained or bound in some way, and it was negotiated up front that tears, screams, pleas, and "no" was not a reason to stop. I did not wish to have a safeword, as I believe in communicating throughout the scene and play only with experienced sadists. Anyway, those agreements seemed to fall by the wayside, and I found myself struggling, not only with trying to stay in position when I had always before been bound, but also trying to withhold all the tears and expressions of pain so as not to discourage him from continuing. I failed miserably. I found it impossible to tolerate even a fraction of what I could before. Having to concentrate on holding still and on trying not to cry out or scream and on fighting the tears that always flow in a scene took all my energy. I felt lost at suddenly having the rules changed and feeling it was unfair as I continued to say, "Walking in the door was my consent and I trust you not to harm me."
From time to time comments were made to me. I had "put on a show" when we first met and wasn't really a masochist, even though my prior experiences were documented proof. Former submissives of his were mentioned. So and so could have handled a much harder caning and loved every second of it. I wasn't really a masochist and was only trying to please him. It was crushing to be in a scene and hear those things when I truly was trying my hardest to please him and serve him. He says he does not know why he said those things, that he didn't mean them, and that I have never disappointed him. Words and actions, however, don't match, and I very much feel I have deeply disappointed him.
We have talked and talked and talked about this. I have told him I feel like I have failed. I feel inadequate, afraid, and hopeless when we enter the playroom. Yet, we both want the hard play so very much. I have suggested that we start slowly, go back to square one as if I had never played before. He has said he just needs to take me where he wants to go, and I have told him I would like that more than anything, but that I don't know how to just set aside the fear that now comes up for me anytime we talk about playing hard, the fear of disappointing him yet again.
Any advice would be appreciated. How can we get back to where we can play hard again?
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advice please - 
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This type of statement would violate everything we stand for. Comparing me to some former sub who is out of his life for a reason would be so unacceptable - to Him as well as me. Talk about unfair and uncalled for. 
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