Not wanting to dissapoint (Full Version)

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Sandyshores29718 -> Not wanting to dissapoint (6/4/2008 8:08:08 PM)

Tonight i used my safe word for the first time and i was upset with myself. So much so that it brought tears to my eyes. i had done the act before, but tonight just i couldnt go though with the pain and act...i just couldnt. my partner was not upset or disspleased, but i had felt i let him down. Has anyone else felt this and how did you handle it?



katie978 -> RE: Not wanting to dissapoint (6/4/2008 8:24:24 PM)

  I think that this is very common in submissives. This is why good communication is vital, it's the nature of many submissives to take more than they feel comfortable with because...well, they're submissive. I've read that some dominants who play hard early on in the relationship to make sure that the subbie safe-words out, just to make sure that they will.
   How do I handle it? I tend to think of the worst case scenario. Could I handle 10 more strikes at the same intensity to the exact same spot? Would another strike be too much? That's why the "yellow" safeword is priceless, since I have never reached the point where I needed everything to stop, just the point where I needed something to be less.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Not wanting to dissapoint (6/4/2008 8:59:22 PM)

My partner has asked me to slow down and then cried because of it- silly boy. 

You did what you were supposed to do, start celebrating your good communication and good result and stop beating yourself up over something that doesn't even exist- a false standard of perfection.  He got what he wanted, which is for you to communicate when things are going bad and need to stop. 

Think how bad you'd feel if you had willingly kept such information from him?



peppermint -> RE: Not wanting to dissapoint (6/4/2008 9:06:02 PM)

Instead of feeling as if you have let him down, you have most likely pleased him greatly.  You have proved you are trustworthy.  He gave you a safeword to use if you felt the necessity of it.  By using it you have confirmed the trust in you that he had.  He now knows that you will safeword as needed. 

If you had not safeworded and should have, then you would be lying to your partner.  You would have made him believe that all was well with you when it was not.  Instead of feeling shame you should feel pleased that you did as you were told you should do under stressful conditions. 



fairerthanshe -> RE: Not wanting to dissapoint (6/4/2008 9:06:35 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

My partner has asked me to slow down and then cried because of it- silly boy. 

You did what you were supposed to do, start celebrating your good communication and good result and stop beating yourself up over something that doesn't even exist- a false standard of perfection.  He got what he wanted, which is for you to communicate when things are going bad and need to stop. 

Think how bad you'd feel if you had willingly kept such information from him?


Greetings Sandyshores,

I hope you take a good long read of what LA has to say on this topic.  There is no finer advice.  (As a rope bottom, I can tell you that the best way I serve him is to tell him exactly what is going on with me physically and emotionally.)  He can't read your mind and if its too much tonight, then its too much.  No harm - no foul.

As a side note, I am a very lucky person in that I get to spend time with LA in person.  When I read her response to you, I realized I was 'hearing' it in her voice.  This community is so very lucky to have someone so wise and willing to share her knowledge and uncommon common sense.

well wishes ~ fairer than she



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Not wanting to dissapoint (6/4/2008 9:12:08 PM)

OMG you are so awesome, I'll be shining too brightly tonight for my partner to sleep with me!



fairerthanshe -> RE: Not wanting to dissapoint (6/4/2008 9:14:51 PM)

"Who loves you, baby?"

s'truth ~ fairer



Sandyshores29718 -> RE: Not wanting to dissapoint (6/4/2008 9:49:46 PM)

Thanks everyone. :) i know that i did not let him down, but i felt like it. lol Silly of me, yes i know. We do use yellow if something gets a little heavy for me. *sigh* Thanks i feel a lot better now.



Dnomyar -> RE: Not wanting to dissapoint (6/5/2008 3:39:37 AM)

Look at the good side. At least your useing a safe word. Many don't.



DesFIP -> RE: Not wanting to dissapoint (6/5/2008 4:41:03 AM)

Nobody's tolerances are exactly the same day to day. These days I've learned that if I can't handle play, it means I'm coming down with a cold or virus. I take it as the early warning it is. In the beginning, it would usually happen because of emotional issues, either things from the past or stress in daily life.

A woman I know says that at one point in her cycle her husband could wail on her with a two by four and she' d smile happily while a week later a toothpick would be too much pain. We're people, not robots. If he wanted someone who could tolerate anything without response, he might as well flog a stuffed animal. He got what he wanted from you, an authentic response.



pinkwind -> RE: Not wanting to dissapoint (6/5/2008 4:52:45 AM)

i don't see your reaction as silly in the slightest, it's just natural given the depth of feeling our dynamics can develop in us.

You definitely aren't the first and won't be the last to become upset for doing something that, in effect, is exactly what your Master wants you to, and your reaction should be well understood by one who feels as strongly about you as you do about them!

Personally, it worried Master Andy that i did not use my safeword in our early days, given the depth of pain he inflicted on me, that he deliberately set out to cause me to have to use it just to assure himself, and ultimately me as well, that i could and would safeword out of something when the need arose. And yes, i was a stubborn bitch, and my determination not to use the thing caused me a deal of pain and taught me a valuable lesson that cut to the heart of our dynamic.

Given that if you are at all like me it will be a long time before you use your safeword again if you can help it, trust me, the next time it won't feel so bad!




Sandyshores29718 -> RE: Not wanting to dissapoint (6/5/2008 5:18:45 AM)

(smiles) Thanks everyone. i feel a lot better now that i've rested and thought over it.

Edit*

i think the reason it upset me so much is ive been under a lot of emotional stress lately. Thank god for the beach this weekend. Thanks again everyone.



OmegaG -> RE: Not wanting to dissapoint (6/5/2008 6:33:01 AM)

when I am bound by my own imperfections and limitations, I feel dissapointment, I can say that I'm dissappointed that I let him down, but I know that's not the case because he understands my humanness better then I do.  I want to be perfect, I want to limitations either physically or mentally to hinder me from doing anything.  I beat myself up because I don't want what I percieve as weakness to invade my activities.  I beat myself up because I have an ideal of what I should be and when I can't reach it I have to reconcile myself to the fact that I'm not invincible, I have vulnerabilities and I have to shift my paradigm to embrace these traits that I posses as much as I embrace that which I like about myself.

I need to be as forgiving to myself when I can't preform as I'd like as I am when something is amiss with him and he has temporary limitations.  I need to show the compassion for my own inadequasies that I show to others when they don't reach their ideal.  Simply, I need to be as understanding and caring to myself as I am to others.



CrazyC -> RE: Not wanting to dissapoint (6/5/2008 8:03:33 AM)

Sandy, I know exactly what you are discribing. Even though you did nothing wrong, it feels like you have disappointed him. And the hard part is...you know you haven't disappointed him either.

When I do that, I have to remind myself that somedays I am just too tired to deal with pain or in an emotional funk.



AquaticSub -> RE: Not wanting to dissapoint (6/5/2008 9:29:35 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sandyshores29718

Tonight i used my safe word for the first time and i was upset with myself. So much so that it brought tears to my eyes. i had done the act before, but tonight just i couldnt go though with the pain and act...i just couldnt. my partner was not upset or disspleased, but i had felt i let him down. Has anyone else felt this and how did you handle it?


No I don't. He insists on a safeword because there is a certain level of pain, fear and distress that he doesn't want me to go through. As he can not read my mind, it is my duty to know when I'm being pushed there and inform him. I consider it obeying.



Mercnbeth -> RE: Not wanting to dissapoint (6/5/2008 12:47:43 PM)

this slave is one of those crazy fuckers that is neither required to nor uses a "safe" word. Master requires communication, if possible, but not by any specific set of words that are supposed to mean go slower or stop.  this slave has seen folks post here about using them as communication tools and also as personal goals...more power to them.
 
if the object of the safeword is your personal goal not to say it, then you blew it.  next time, bear down and take whatever is being dished out, no matter how you feel, and you will have accomplished what you set out to do...NOT using a safeword.
 
if the object of the safeword is to give you a communication tool to use with your partner for those times when you need/want whatever is going on to stop, then you used it correctly and shouldn't feel guilty about it, especially since your partner wasn't displeased, as he might have been if the object of the safeword was, as mentioned previously, NOT to say it.



fluffyswitch -> RE: Not wanting to dissapoint (6/5/2008 1:02:37 PM)

i'm terrified of using it, though i know that He would stop if it came down to it. i'm also really stubborn and don't want to let myself use it. i've actually found myself attempting to crawl out of a scene instead of using the word (stupid evil nasty hair brush, gaw...). i don't know if i'm crazier than i think i am or a lot more masochistic than i knew i was but i would rather take the pain until i can't move than use the word. i don't know i think i'm more terrified of using the word than actually being a position of having to use the word.



sweetnurseBBW -> RE: Not wanting to dissapoint (6/7/2008 7:14:23 AM)

Just think of it this way, wouldn't he be more displeased if you didn't speak up and use your safeword and you got hurt in a bad way? The safeword is there for your safety, not using it and letting yourself get hurt or go to far is more disappointing.



daddysliloneds -> RE: Not wanting to dissapoint (6/7/2008 7:32:15 AM)

one thing i've discovered in my 48 years is that:  i can't please all the people all of the time and if it's me feeling disappointed in my own actions or inactions, then i need to work on either not being so hard on myself or to know when i've placed unrealistic expectations upon myself.



CreativeDominant -> RE: Not wanting to dissapoint (6/7/2008 7:44:20 AM)

Not a submissive and no, I don't play one on T.V. either. 

Though every D/s dynamic is different, I can tell you that in mine and many others I know of, the failure to use a safeword, when it was needed, in an effort to keep from disappointing the dominant would only end up disappointing the dominant.  For me, it feels like the submissive is taking over and running the show instead of giving me information I need in order to keep being "in charge".  I give safewords to submissives for various reasons, usually because the situation is varying...casual play, new implement, more intense scene than usual, etc....but even in those instances where I am with a submissive that I have been with on an ongoing basis and with who I have been playing regularly, the safeword stays in place to allow for things like differing sensitivities due to mood, physical levels, unforeseen occurrences.

I can understand your disappointment in not being able to reach levels that he had hoped for or that you had hoped for, especially if you have attained them before but your body and your mind and your moods change from day to day.  As someone else noted, how much more disappointed would he...and you...have been if you had failed to use your safeword and damage that would not have occurred because of the safeword did occur for lack of its use?



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