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Topping a first timer - 6/5/2008 8:28:06 AM   
uniquecouple2123


Posts: 19
Joined: 5/7/2008
Status: offline 		    Hi you guys. I just wanted to ask your advice on something. I am a dominant and I already have a submissive. We are both fairly new to the whole scene but have been progressing well in our relationship.

We are currently talking to a girl to become our third and she is brand new to all of this. She is pretty sexually inexperienced and completely inexperienced with bdsm. She says she has always had fantasies about it and is absolutely aroused by pain.

We've hung out a couple of times already and I gave her a couple of smacks with the crop just to give her a taste but as she is kind of shy (which I find very hot) I was taking it slow. She is coming over tonight and I was going to top her for her very first time ever.

Anything that I should keep in mind?
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RE: Topping a first timer - 6/5/2008 8:31:10 AM   
uniquecouple2123


Posts: 19
Joined: 5/7/2008
Status: offline 		I forgot to mention that I plan to top my submissive in front of her first to set the stage. 

(in reply to uniquecouple2123)
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RE: Topping a first timer - 6/5/2008 8:56:16 AM   
uniquecouple2123


Posts: 19
Joined: 5/7/2008
Status: offline 		no one?

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RE: Topping a first timer - 6/5/2008 9:59:14 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		Advice?  Yes - learn patience.
 
the.dark.

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RE: Topping a first timer - 6/5/2008 10:03:02 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Ask her what she fantasizes about and then drop the intensity down to about a tenth. The purpose is for her to enjoy it, not to go run screaming into the night. Does she dream of restraints and hate needles? Then go with that.

Honestly the topping ought to come after all these discussions, not before. You shouldn't have planned to scene when you don't know how to give her a scene she will like. Have her fill out a bdsm likes checklist. And then see if you're compatible. Because you can both be kinky and still have nothing in common.

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RE: Topping a first timer - 6/5/2008 10:05:44 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

Advice?  Yes - learn patience.
 
the.dark.

 
I second this.

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RE: Topping a first timer - 6/5/2008 10:08:34 AM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		Everyone's default response is going to be "Go slow," and of course that's good advice, but don't be too surprised if she can take more than you expect.  That happens sometimes too, you know.

Make her participate in what is happening to her.  That's a good idea for many different reasons.  Have her talk.  Make her pick her poison (ummm, just as an example: "Do you want the crop on the tits or on the pussy?").  Make her adjust her posture.  Lay out some guidelines, make sure she understands them, and tell her to lick your feet if she accepts them, or leave now if she has any objection.  These are just examples; the main point is that all these things will not only help take her mind off the ramifications of the huge step she's about to take, but also confirm in her mind that she is submitting freely.  It's harder to back out emotionally when you realize that you got into a situation of your own free will.

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RE: Topping a first timer - 6/5/2008 10:19:41 AM   
uniquecouple2123


Posts: 19
Joined: 5/7/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Ask her what she fantasizes about and then drop the intensity down to about a tenth. The purpose is for her to enjoy it, not to go run screaming into the night. Does she dream of restraints and hate needles? Then go with that.

Honestly the topping ought to come after all these discussions, not before. You shouldn't have planned to scene when you don't know how to give her a scene she will like. Have her fill out a bdsm likes checklist. And then see if you're compatible. Because you can both be kinky and still have nothing in common.


I have talked to her about what she would want. I know that i should take it slow and be patient.

I was just looking for any special insight or a someones similar experience.

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Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Topping a first timer - 6/5/2008 10:24:32 AM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		My first time was just plain fun.
He didn't believe it was my first time, though.
I think that if this is something she's thought about and wanted for a long time, it shouldn't be too terribly different than topping any other sub. (except, of course, that it will be very special for her)

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RE: Topping a first timer - 6/5/2008 10:28:35 AM   
uniquecouple2123


Posts: 19
Joined: 5/7/2008
Status: offline 		Very good advice L&M.

Thanks.

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Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Topping a first timer - 6/5/2008 12:18:59 PM   
SirJohnMandevill


Posts: 546
Joined: 11/10/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: uniquecouple2123

   Hi you guys. I just wanted to ask your advice on something. I am a dominant and I already have a submissive. We are both fairly new to the whole scene but have been progressing well in our relationship.

We are currently talking to a girl to become our third and she is brand new to all of this. She is pretty sexually inexperienced and completely inexperienced with bdsm. She says she has always had fantasies about it and is absolutely aroused by pain.

We've hung out a couple of times already and I gave her a couple of smacks with the crop just to give her a taste but as she is kind of shy (which I find very hot) I was taking it slow. She is coming over tonight and I was going to top her for her very first time ever.

Anything that I should keep in mind?



My first sub was totally inexperienced and rather shy, such as the girl you've described. Dunno that I'd dom my primary in front of her first, tho. She might be more taken aback by the play than if you and your primary both worked with her slowly tonight and introduced her to things step-by-step, asking for her reactions as you go. FWIW, that's the way I handled things with my first-timer and my current submissive lady.

Les (Purveyor of Fine, Handcrafted Kink)

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With the deviant ingredient
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(in reply to uniquecouple2123)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Topping a first timer - 6/5/2008 12:58:46 PM   
uniquecouple2123


Posts: 19
Joined: 5/7/2008
Status: offline 		Thanks for the insight.

I'll keep that in mind although when I discussed putting on a show for her first she seemed pretty turned on by it.

(in reply to SirJohnMandevill)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Topping a first timer - 6/5/2008 1:14:34 PM   
softness


Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline 		oh jesus
so you are new, your sub is new, and your "third" is brand new? no offense meant ... honestly ... but this sounds a little bit like .. the blind .. leading the blind ... leading the blind .... slow the hell down ... put all the toys away .. and take a deep breath

Recently a  friend of mine expressed an interest into "that stuff you do" ... I am slowly *slooooooowly* introducing her to things ... like a tiny light spanking ... or watching me get flogged through my clothes by a mutual friend and then letting her play with the flogger herself..on herself .. and then *maybe* a light thwack or two - IMHO thats where you start a total newbie that new ... not a threeway play session with you and your sub

but then .. thats just me ... your way might work out fine


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Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Topping a first timer - 6/5/2008 1:22:28 PM   
JohnWarren


Posts: 3807
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
Status: offline 		You've been getting some pretty good advice, but I'd recommend you read two essays on my site.

http://www.lovingdominant.org/1stScene.html

http://www.lovingdominant.org/90degree.html

These may help

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www.lovingdominant.org

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Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Topping a first timer - 6/5/2008 1:28:22 PM   
uniquecouple2123


Posts: 19
Joined: 5/7/2008
Status: offline 		Those were quality reads.

Thank you for the advice.

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Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Topping a first timer - 6/5/2008 1:49:35 PM   
JohnWarren


Posts: 3807
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: uniquecouple2123

Those were quality reads.

Thank you for the advice.



Thank you, they were written from hard earned experience in the hopes you can avoid the problems.... sorta the same reason I write books

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Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Topping a first timer - 6/5/2008 3:58:34 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I'd say go slow on the COMMITMENT, and be varied- use this as a way to push YOUR experience levels.  Don't just use the crop and spanking and what you normally do.  Since it's ALL new to her, use her eyes as a way to try things you aren't usually into.  It's a great but difficult position to be someone's first- there's a responsibility to help them see all the possibilities, not just the ones you happen to want them to enjoy.

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Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Topping a first timer - 6/5/2008 4:03:54 PM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		Trot out the toy collectiuon and see what turns her on. Don't be so Dommy-give her some choices-lower yourself to being a "service top", even if it's just this once.
 
 Ask her to feed back how things feel to her. You won't know her levels unless she feeds it back. There is always a fear on the part of a Top that you may go overboard. It can be just as dissapointing for a newbie to NOT get enough the first time-as too much.

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Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Topping a first timer - 6/5/2008 4:39:04 PM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline 		Take it slow. The wonderful thing about the experience for me, as a bisexual who loves to top a woman (and especially to iniate one) is findimg similarity rather than finding difference. Intimacy is easier. Put the toys away and it's knd of yummy.

< Message edited by Prinsexx -- 6/5/2008 4:40:20 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Topping a first timer - 6/5/2008 11:45:03 PM   
Corvidae


Posts: 82
Joined: 3/18/2008
Status: offline 		I'm pretty new, and what i have appreciated the most when starting out is just a shitload of communication, before, during, and after. Like others have said, talk over what things she's interested in... which can be rather titilating in an of its self. I also appreciated the top checking in from time to time during the scene to make sure things were going ok (it doesn't have to be too often, that might get annoying). Start things slowly, see how she reacts, perhaps talk it over, then move on from there. Oh, and have fun =)

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Profile   Post #: 20
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