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What makes you........? - 10/28/2005 4:57:47 AM

SweetSarijane

Posts: 3788
Joined: 10/7/2005
From: KC area Missouri
Status: offline

I am curious to know what people believe makes them what/who they are in this life, be it Dominant, submissive, slave, switch, Master, Mistress.

Do you believe you were born to be what you are?

Do you believe circumstances throughout your life conditioned, or made you what you are?

Do you believe it's a combination of those two things?

Or is it something entirely different for you?

For me, I believe it's a combination of birth and conditioning. I think a person's genetics predispose them to react certain ways to certain things. The events throughout a person's life mold them into who and what they are, the genetics determine how they react to the events that condition them, make them who and what they are.

I believe I was born to be submissive and that my upbringing and events from childhood on and my reactions to them reinforced and cemented that.

I'm in no way saying that has to be true for everyone. That is my belief and opinion, and not everyone is going to agree with it. That's why I'm asking what you personally feel has made you who you are.

Any opinions and responses appreciated. Thank you.

Post #: 1

RE: What makes you........? - 10/28/2005 5:03:17 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetSarijane
Do you believe you were born to be what you are?

There's a lot of threads on this topic, I definitely suggest you check them out.

I believe my orientation as a bisexual polyamorous slave has always been part of who I am in orientation.

quote:

Do you believe circumstances throughout your life conditioned, or made you what you are?

Yes, my life and experiences has greatly shaped me to be who I am today.

quote:

Do you believe it's a combination of those two things?

I believe my orientation was solid and inborn, I believe my personality and perspective TOWARDS my orientation were greatly shaped by my life experiences.

In the end what matters is that we do what is right for ourselves.

(in reply to SweetSarijane)

Post #: 2

RE: What makes you........? - 10/28/2005 6:51:15 AM

SweetSarijane

Posts: 3788
Joined: 10/7/2005
From: KC area Missouri
Status: offline

Thank you for responding. I have been reading a lot on the boards and will continue to do so and have read threads similar to this. I am very curious by nature and do appreciate feedback.

I agree "what matters is that we do what is right for ourselves." as you said. Each of us is individual and what works or is right for one isn't necessarily so for another.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 3

RE: What makes you........? - 10/28/2005 7:03:45 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetSarijane

I am curious to know what people believe makes them what/who they are in this life, be it Dominant, submissive, slave, switch, Master, Mistress.

Do you believe you were born to be what you are?

Do you believe circumstances throughout your life conditioned, or made you what you are?

Do you believe it's a combination of those two things?

Or is it something entirely different for you?

If it were simply a matter of how I was raised I'd either be submissive or I'd be egalitarian and completely vanilla.

I've always been very dominant so much so that I could resist and did resist years of psychological and emotional abuse from my mother and sexual abuse from a few men in my life (not my father, my father was the one solid thing in my life).

I think my childhood and my recovery (its ongoing, always it seems) instead made me have empathy for those who are submissive by nature. I was always the one who tried to protect and guide others around me, I was always the leader quite possibly because I was the only one I could trust to get things done and done safely. I gather information, a lot of information, I make decisions and then I stick to them -- its a safety thing again.

Down side of this is that I can be attracted to the wounded and the lower self-esteemed. I've had to learn to take care of myself but instead requiring that anyone submitting to me be either professional help or have most of their own stuff together and working well.

My childhood also made me very tense and easily stressed. Being dominant, being a slave owner is actually a growing experience for me as I learn to trust another and to relax -- not easy, one of the hardest things Fox says he works on is getting me to just let him serve me and take care of me.

Being kinky and being a dominant sadist them is a combination of my past and my personality as well as a result of having information and community to draw from. If one or two things had been different, I'd be a different person.

But wouldn't we all?

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to SweetSarijane)

Post #: 4

RE: What makes you........? - 10/28/2005 7:30:49 AM

Littlepita

Posts: 1430
Joined: 10/6/2005
Status: offline

I was born submissive. I have always been a people pleaser and the good girl. Life hasn’t always let me be who I am though and through many circumstances I have had to be much more dominate then I like and the results haven’t been very good.

Figuring out who I am and what I want has been a great discovery for me. Finding a man that understands me down to my soul has been the most liberating thing I have ever felt. I have a long ways to go to tear down the walls I have around myself, but they are slowly crumbling under his love and acceptance.

_____________________________

“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.” – Anais Nin

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 5

RE: What makes you........? - 10/28/2005 7:35:34 AM

OscarHargraves

Posts: 693
Joined: 8/9/2005
Status: offline

Yup! I think I'm a prduct of my genetics plus my environment. Those two things were the major factors in my being a total Dom.

_____________________________

Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly ! !

(in reply to SweetSarijane)

Post #: 6

RE: What makes you........? - 10/28/2005 1:49:41 PM

fyreredsub

Posts: 3403
Joined: 10/7/2005
Status: offline

i think its life cirsumstances that make or break a person.it is life circumstances that made me into who i am today but
environmental factors and cultural upbringing also bring a good bit into the picture.being raised a female in the 60's by catholic parents. we were taught to be submissive but then life circumstances said i had to be strong.ie becoming a divorced single-parent.
so at times i find myself at odds with myself. i spent time topping w/ sensation play but longed to be submissive while doing so because i was going against what i felt in my heart and mind.

_____________________________

"Accordingly, men must then either fulfill their nature, or deny it, and in denying their nature, deny us ours, for ours is the complement to theirs. " Renegades

(in reply to SweetSarijane)

Post #: 7

RE: What makes you........? - 10/29/2005 1:23:58 AM

wolfinside

Posts: 74
Joined: 10/7/2005
Status: offline

I am a weird combination of both my father and mother. Whether genetics or nurture who knows.

Even high priced psychologists disagree about the old nurture or nature issue.

I know that I have been this way since very early childhood. I am what some call a "natural dom".

Before I had any idea there where others like me, I had the same fantasies I do now. (I just didn't know there were "others")

What I also know, is that being "dominant" is not a "choice" for me, or something I can change at will. (anymore than a straight man could decide to become gay at will)

I can't function any other way. In truth, life might be easier if I could.

Wolf

< Message edited by wolfinside -- 10/29/2005 1:25:15 AM >

(in reply to SweetSarijane)

Post #: 8

RE: What makes you........? - 10/29/2005 5:35:45 AM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

I don't place a lot of credence in the upbringing theory - especially as I think travelling down that road places BDSM one step away from being a dysfunctional by-product of a "normal" vanilla world. I'm dominant but I'm not abusive or a thug, nor was I raised in an abusive or violent environment. But I will concede that upbringing can influence the end "product".

To me, it's genetics but it's *random* genetics. Along with my older sister and younger brother, we were all raised in common circumstances yet they're both as vanilla as ice cream. I liken being born Dom/me or sub as no different to those born gay. Most people now accept the validity of being gay and that it's how you are, not how you evolved after birth. That leaves genes but being gay doesn't mean your siblings are gay, too, so there's no guarantee you'll inherit or pass on the "Dom/sub gene" either.

So as I often mockingly say to those who "decide" to be a dom, "I didn't choose to be Dom, I was chosen!".

Focus.

(in reply to SweetSarijane)

Post #: 9

RE: What makes you........? - 10/29/2005 5:46:19 AM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

For me it was genetic; environmental ~ Family/home life, boarding school and finally the military especially special forces. All groomed me to be dominant but in reality worked with the rough material which was there naturally. I've always been a team player but excelled when I was team leader. In other cases I have prefered to work and be alone if their wasn't a suitable team available for me to lead.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 10

RE: What makes you........? - 10/29/2005 6:17:17 AM

FangsNfeet

Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline

When the going gets rough, I've taken charge of most situations in solving the problem and getting the job done right. However, I think most of my dominance comes for upbringing and past experiences. I was one of those kids who was picked on and teased all through grade and high school. Intead of fighting, I used verbal psych humiliation to turn away the physical bullies. However, I still took criticisim and alot of verbal abuse though. It wasn't till my college years that I began to have more confidence in myself not to take shit from anyone. I'm a grown man, a hard worker, and a rough neck with a back bone. So I no longer put up with drama nor being picked on. I never have had much of a father figure so I had to learn a few things the hard way. Atleast I still learned them.

_____________________________

I'm Godzilla and you're Japan

(in reply to SweetSarijane)

Post #: 11

RE: What makes you........? - 10/29/2005 7:10:57 AM

LadiesBladewing

Posts: 944
Joined: 8/31/2005
Status: offline

(Guaranteed to be long, esoteric, and really -boring- to a lot of people. *chuckles* What do you want from a metaphysical philosopher?)

I am who I am. I have always found myself in situations as a leader, teacher, and change-agent, and in my earliest iterations there, I didn't do such a hot job. I let ego and haste get the better of me. If I were solely my "personality", I would probably have always been "the boss", but not a boss that anyone could particularly respect -- and I probably would have spent most of a lifetime trying to get people to respect me when I couldn't really respect myself.

I've had the fortune of having some uncommon "outside influences" in my life, and it is pretty clear to me that something in the Universe apparently thought that this tool needed some "tempering". Experientially, I have experienced a little bit of everything... profound love, devastating loss... and a third of my life spent voluntarily in absolute service, learning to yield so that I could learn to lead. My first experiences were in an "alternative spirituality" monastary, later experiences in the lifestyle, and both experiences shaped the whole concept of "growing into leadership" for me. Not everyone who leads needs this or wants it (I'm not even sure that -I- wanted it), but the Universe put the requirement in front of me, and I accepted the necessity -for me-.

Coming out the other side, I can honestly say that my years in service impacted my style of leadership. I take -nothing- for granted,now, and, knowing what a "pill" I was for those I served, I deeply respect the commitment that it takes to dominate, as well as the commitment that it takes to submit. I see neither path as "easier", but both paths as a way of finding out the true mettle of an individual. In the end, we must become who we are, but everything around us is there to help shape us into being whole at who we are, if we accept the lessons.

In the end, I still came out a teacher, guide, mentor, and dominant. Nothing about my years in service changed the essence of "me"... but those years taught me a lot about the core behind both ends of the spectrum -- about the responsibilities that both carry, and the particular "weights" that each must bear. I know where my strengths are, and where there are areas in which I must still -work-, to rigorously police certain tendencies that I have for my own benefit, and for the benefit of the people who must deal with me on a regular basis. I make no apologies, and recognize that the raw material is not the finished product, and that the "tempering" that I have recieved through -all- my experiences has helped to hone me and strengthen me as a person -and- as the dominantly-aligned individual that is my core personality. I don't look for anyone else to blame for my choices, or to "find me worthy". I accept full responsibility for the paths I've taken and the decisions I've made, good and not-so good. I know my own worth, and also know that it will take ongoing work to finish the shaping and forging process that will end with my shedding of this body at the end of this life. I know I will be ready, not because of any virtue or lack in me, but because that is how the system works -- when we are done being forged, we are freed of our film of "oxides", polished and set to work in the task for which we were being shaped. For me, the body I wear now -is- that "film of oxides" that protects the blade during its forging process, and in the end, there will still be "me".

Lady Zephyr

< Message edited by LadiesBladewing -- 10/29/2005 7:12:28 AM >

(in reply to SweetSarijane)

Post #: 12

RE: What makes you........? - 10/29/2005 1:18:49 PM

pinkpleasures

Posts: 1114
Status: offline

My life till now has not allowed me to express feelings of submissiveness. Until i found D/s in jan '04, i thought i was a weak, insecure person who needed to "get over" wanting to be treasured and protected and loved...and stand on my own two feet. i did that and more, litigating cases worth 100's of millions successfully; but feeling more and more unhappy.

When i did find castle realm, i knew instantly i was a submissive and i was thrilled that at least some people thought this was ok, and that there were Doms, who would be the kind of Man i'd always dreamed of.

It was a great day; and there have been many more since.

pinkpleasures

< Message edited by pinkpleasures -- 10/29/2005 1:19:50 PM >

_____________________________

(in reply to LadiesBladewing)

Post #: 13

RE: What makes you........? - 10/29/2005 3:25:25 PM

Sardaxia

Posts: 54
Joined: 10/22/2005
Status: offline

I think LuckyAlbatross hits the nail squarely on the head. A very good reply...

(in reply to SweetSarijane)

Post #: 14

RE: What makes you........? - 10/29/2005 3:41:50 PM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

I find it rather interesting how several relate their dominant selves to being a team leader etc. Frankly, I'm quite the opposite in this regard in that I'm fiercely independent and have no urge or interest in leading others outside of my personal relationships.

And equally, I will not be led, either - which ruled out serving in the armed forces for starters! And none of this is about upbringing for me because Mum always said I was the easiest of all to raise in that I was always content to just play alone with my own toys. Now in later life, it means I go with the crowd (or flow) while it suits me and part company when it doesn't - peer pressures are merely something others deal with....

I'm not saying I wouldn't or couldn't take charge or be a team player in special circumstances, such as a survival situation, it's just not a general need or motivation and I'd be quite content if someone else led - as long as they stayed outa my face.

Besides, there aren't that many people who are genuine leaders - most I meet have been put in charge through loyal servitude, general circumstance or (my favourite) completing a course! Interesting too, that they're all the things a submissive is equally capable of achieving....

I'll add that I'm not doubting what works for others because it's really more evidence to support my own beliefs - that my Dom sexuality is randomly genetic.

Focus.

(in reply to pinkpleasures)

Post #: 15

RE: What makes you........? - 10/29/2005 3:53:42 PM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

there aint no this life.

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 16

RE: What makes you........? - 10/29/2005 8:18:36 PM

slavedesires

Posts: 669
Joined: 3/2/2004
Status: offline

Do you believe you were born to be what you are?

No. I was given a personality and my parents built character and morals and values in me along with my faith, environment and experiences that dictated what I chose to become.

Do you believe circumstances throughout your life conditioned, or made you what you are?

Yes. I am a submissive personality. I could choose to be a doormat or gain enough integrity, character, confidence and self esteem to be whatever I chose.

Do you believe it's a combination of those two things?

Yes. We are given choices in life and born with a personality and instilled with values and character or lack thereof. But we choose throughout our life what we do with ourselves. It’s called personal responsibility and accountability.

Or is it something entirely different for you?

In WIITWD and who we are, He took what He saw, who I was and still allows me choices…do I obey or disobey .. based on who He is and who I am to Him. He demands I remain true to myself.

_____________________________

i speak only my personal opinion, sometimes O/ours.

"i am the keeper of fragile things and i have kept what is indisolvable."
....the greatest gift.....vulnerability

(in reply to SweetSarijane)

Post #: 17

RE: What makes you........? - 10/29/2005 8:28:55 PM

jockeypants

Posts: 7
Joined: 10/20/2005
Status: offline

I agree that it's a combo. But it's degrees of various combos for each person...at least in my mind.

Born submissive and raised submissive or Born Dominant and raised dominant might make for a more easy going person with less internal conflict.

Whereas someone born naturally submissive but is put in a childhood situation that they need to be dominant to survive intact can make for a strange mix. Possibly wonderful, possibly sad. And visa versa: A natural dominant being forced to submit over years of growing up can result in another type of person as an adult.

It's all in the degree of their situation.

(in reply to SweetSarijane)

Post #: 18

RE: What makes you........? - 10/30/2005 1:45:12 AM

lonewolf05

Posts: 830
Joined: 6/21/2005
Status: offline

i mark the box for other----

i just got up one day and started runnin the net....looking for females interested in males that want to spoil n pamper.......w/o whining about their space.......

it took me 5 yrs.......and like about.........10,000 miles,....give or take..........to get where i am now.

one happy lil gray pup.
i am not born submissive......i just decided to be.
woofie

_____________________________

"there is no gravity, life sucks!"

(in reply to SweetSarijane)

Post #: 19

RE: What makes you........? - 10/30/2005 10:29:26 AM

Soulhuntre

Posts: 223
Joined: 9/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetSarijane
Do you believe it's a combination of those two things?

Combination. It is clear that hormonal effects during pregnancy have a strong effect on later personality in combination with genetic traits.

How we express those predispositions is probably a product of environment :)

(in reply to SweetSarijane)

Post #: 20

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