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stella41b -> RE: Can BDSM be overwhelmed by too much sexuality and not enough spirituality? (6/5/2008 9:22:41 PM)
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I can see exactly where the OP is coming from.. Browsing any part of this site you could be led to believe quite easily that this is indeed all about sex.
But is this really true? It all depends I guess on your perspective, and of course.. your perception of what is. If you care to look a little deeper and read all the words which have been written by the people here, and stop to wonder actually why these words have been written, you will probably discover an entire plethora of different reasons of why people are here and why people seek what they seek and with whom. Some feel the need to be degraded, humiliated, some desire to be whipped, beaten, some desire to be bound, tied, gagged, and we would understand all these people to be submissive, or bottoms. There are others who desire to inflict pain, to witness someone suffering, endure restriction, and we would understand these people to be tops or dominants, sadists, then you have fetishists, many people for whom the activities are all important - it doesn't matter really with who, but what. Then you have a lot of people who only have the desire to give, to provide, to share, those who need, who wish to take, to use, abuse, for whatever reason. Then you have as you say many people who just want the fuck, or the relationship, for whom BDSM is merely a few select, favourite activities which they may or may not engage in as foreplay. It depends.
So what is the reality? I somehow feel that there is a reality, but none of us can really see it, for all we see is our own perception of reality to varying degrees. When your perception matches that of the people around you, and you see the same things, this is what I feel we tend to call reality. But is this really true? We all see the world through our own individual eyes, we all walk our individual paths through life, our paths crossed by a great many people who also walk their own paths through life, we talk of a community, of 'the lifestyle', and I guess the only reality which is shared that our only common or shared trait - all the people here - is pretty much the same as in wider society - we are all human.
But stop, one moment, there is something which makes it different if you are interested in all this BDSM, kink and fetish, isn't there? Yes there is, but it isn't perception. It is awareness. Awareness brought about by perception, experience, and understanding. Some are more aware of others, some are not very aware, some seem completely unaware, and others seem to be extremely aware. This is why I feel experience alone doesn't really add up to much, not unless it is tied in with an understanding and increased awareness. This is a universal truth, for all those three things together go to make up what we call learning.
You can learn anything and everything you like about BDSM here from the Internet, from other people, you don't even need to leave your own home. But unless you go out and meet someone and try and experiment all you will ever have is a general awareness of what BDSM is all about. You will not be able to learn or understand what BDSM is and its relationship with you personally until you go out, meet people, interact with them, and have a relationship.
Kink I feel is an inherent part of human nature. We are all in some way kinky. I guess we are all aware of this, otherwise why else would we be here? The only difference is the awareness and understanding. You can go to a 'vanilla' dating site, and I assure you that if you look hard enough you will find people with just as many kinks advertising on that site as you will find here. Not just the kink either, but all the online games, the bullshit, and everything else you find here and can become disillusioned with if you choose not to ignore it and look beyond.
The illusion of course is vanilla. There's two illusions here. The first is that we are all somehow better, more superior for being in the lifestyle, for being aware, when in reality we're not. We're just different. The second illusion is that somehow vanilla is normal. The problem is that there's an area which lies between which takes many people out of their own personal comfort zone. They have an awareness that they are different from other people, but they as yet don't have the awareness that it's okay to be different from other people, and people react to this discovery in a number of ways. They either retreat, back off, and try to submerge and repress what makes them different deep inside them and go back to vanilla, or they demean themselves, devalue themselves, see their kinks in a negative light, and start to feel guilty for being different, kinky, perverted, and in some cases (their words or perception) 'sick'. Others explore, ask questions, do a bit of soul searching, a bit of experimenting, discovering, and make the journey - assuming of course they find people understanding and openminded enough to help them.
If you care to read some of the profiles, some of the postings, the threads and meet people, or at least try to meet people, you will quickly come to understand that there's a considerable number of people out there making this journey, trying to find answers about what lies within them, but unable to do so until they have a relationship with someone else - someone else who perhaps is understanding, openminded, and who accepts them not just for who they really are, but also for who they may become. This is reflected in some of the usernames you see, femasle submissives tend to see their submission as a whole, as a part of who they are, but male submissives sometimes tend to focus on one particular kink so you end up with usernames such as bootlicker, luv2wearknickers, straponboy, and so on [note to Mods, I'm making these names up off the top of my head, please forgive me if they are actual users].
The primary motivation I guess is just the same as everywhere else for those who are seeking someone - we want to share our bed with someone, or to share someone else's bed, basically to wake up with another person to greet the dawn. Ah but you see, not everybody is cool about intimate self-exploration, especially if it's something which makes them uncomfortable, and I sometimes feel that there's a tendency to 'stick to what you know and what you enjoy'. And what is it that many people enjoy if not a bit of the old jiggy jiggy? However there are others who are exploring, but they feel that they don't want or need a relationship, but they just want the jiggy jiggy and nothing more. I feel that there's a considerable number who are not really interested in BDSM at all, but who just see this site as an alternative dating site for casual sex with slightly more interesting partners.
There is also something which I would describe as (and I'm quoting from my own theory of modern theatre here) the Ahriman-Lucifer Axis of Evil. This is basically two forms of evil, pertaining to both Lucifer and Ahriman, which comes from the anthroposophy of the Austrian philosopher Rudolf Steiner. Each axis has what I would describe as polarity - both positive and negative qualities. Lucifer is the lighter side of evil which is centred around pride and the 'delusion of divinity' but which also has the positive qualities of creativity and spirituality. Ahriman is the darker side of evil which tempts people to deny their divinity and live entirely within the material and physical world but which when stimulated encourages intellectuality and technology. One can argue I guess that in society, particularly in the US and Britain there is a sort of 'dumbing down' in media and popular culture, a sort of denial of intellectuality which is stimulating the more negative qualities of Ahriman and a greater interest in sex and money. Not that I'm saying that there's anything wrong with making money or having sex - I'm not - but I for one can see a relationship between the dumbing down and a trend in casual sex and one night stands. Are people then evil for engaging in one night stands?
This isn't what I'm saying, I did point out a polarity of negative and positive influences, there has to be some sort of balance, and probably is somewhere in that person's life, but generally I can see a sort of trend. This is tied to another trend which appears to lead to a sort of abdication of responsibility when it comes to entering and forming relationships and people not stopping to find basic answers as to why they are seeking or choosing to enter such relationships or maybe exercising a lack of discrimination when entering such relationships or choosing partners. It all seems to stem from a lack of awareness. All well and good if you are prepared to take such risks but really can the other person be blamed if your awareness comes too late or indeed, not at all?
Therefore yes indeed it does seem that from a particular perspective this is all about sex, kinky sex, casual sex, with a very heavy emphasis on sexuality for a wide variety of reasons, both positive and negative, but if you care to look a little deeper I'm sure you'll find other motivations for people being on this site, among them some deeply spiritual ones.
It really all boils down to those three things - perception, awareness and understanding.
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