Is this normal for Dom fathers to be?

Is this normal for Dom fathers to be? (Full Version)

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scarlettjinx -> Is this normal for Dom fathers to be? (6/6/2008 5:23:53 PM)
I was wondering about something that is happening in my life and hoping that some of the sub mommies might be able to give me a little reassurance. My Papa and I are expecting our first child very soon (I am 35 weeks pregnant). Until recently, our play had stayed pretty much the same. Papa had no problem pulling my hair, biting my neck, smacking my hiney ect. But lately, he has gotten much more gentle. While he still talks dirty to me and things like that, I miss the other things because, well, they always made me feel special. I have asked him why he stopped with the other stuff, and he told me that he feels like a father shouldn't treat the mother of his child like that, and he referenced our favorite tv couple, the Cleavers (He made the comment that you would never see Mr. Cleaver bound and gag June and use her for his diviant delights). While I do understand what he is saying, and he has never made me feel less beautiful or less loved, I really miss the rougher stuff. My question is, does anyone else have an experience like this, and if so, how long does the Dom usually take to start feeling comfortable with play again? Any insight would be greatly appriciated.

hejira92 -> RE: Is this normal for Dom fathers to be? (6/6/2008 5:31:20 PM)
Ask him, respectfully, to look up the whore/madonna complex. I have never had a child with a dom, but Master initially experienced some conflicts from observing my interactions with the (previously existing) ums. We discussed this subject, He realized just to what He was reacting, and we (gloriously) overcame it.

MissMagnolia -> RE: Is this normal for Dom fathers to be? (6/6/2008 5:43:03 PM)
He may be afraid that he can harm you or the baby if he plays roughly. I'm female and a D, in my long ago vanilla marriage, my husband started treating me like a delicate piece of china at the latter end of the pregnancy, in bed and out. Congrats on the baby!!!

scarlettjinx -> RE: Is this normal for Dom fathers to be? (6/6/2008 6:09:42 PM)
We are still very passionate, he just doesn't want to engage in the rougher side of play. While I understand what he is saying when he refers to being more in 'father' mode than 'Papa' mode, I wonder if this is something that is common in D/s relationships when the couple is expecting. And if so, when will Papa start visiting again. It is so strange to walk through a store with out once having my hair tugged on or my neck bitten. But I know I am very lucky to have a partner that still finds me not only beautiful but desirable in my current swallowed a basketball state.

M4STER -> RE: Is this normal for Dom fathers to be? (6/6/2008 6:20:31 PM)
While you understand what he is saying and you are currently expecting, would it not be reasonable to assume that Papa will start visiting again after birth? M4STER

kallisto -> RE: Is this normal for Dom fathers to be? (6/6/2008 7:25:26 PM)
Could be that right now he sees you as one (mother and child). Once the baby is born, he will again see you as you. The woman/sub he enjoys being "rough" with. I would be that he may be beginning to feel the "pangs" of impending fatherhood and this is one way he is dealing with it. Along with the concern of not wanting to "hurt" either you or the baby in the latter stages.

Evility -> RE: Is this normal for Dom fathers to be? (6/6/2008 8:07:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: scarlettjinx he told me that he feels like a father shouldn't treat the mother of his child like that I'd ask him to clarify what he meant by that. Had he said that he didn't feel he should treat you like that while you were pregnant, that's one thing and I can certainly see that. You'll be the mother of his child for the rest of your life. Did he mean he doesn't feel like he should treat you like that anymore for the rest of your life? I would ask.

scarlettjinx -> RE: Is this normal for Dom fathers to be? (6/6/2008 10:04:03 PM)
I have asked him, and he said he hopes it is just temporary. We have talked very openly about this, and I did tell him that I was going to pose this question on the boards, and he is also hoping to hear if this is common. He says he still wants to do the things I miss, but something in his head tells him that a good husband/dad would not do that kind of stuff. Maybe it is just a prepare for baby mode thing. He has gone into full force nesting and things like that, way more than me. At least twice a day he freaks out about something we have to buy, and there is no calming him down. So maybe it is just nerves about impending fatherhood. I was mostly wondering if this was something that other Dom fathers have gone through. I am curious for my own reasons, and I would also like to be able to tell him he isn't a total freak. He is worried about it too.

Willowmoon -> RE: Is this normal for Dom fathers to be? (6/6/2008 10:47:53 PM)
I hate to say it but he may NEVER go back to how he was. Having a child chances everything in your life (and not just the mothers life even though it is her that carries around the baby for 9 months) and makes you reevaluate yourself and everything that you do. Perhaps somewhere inside he feels that the father role is in compatable with the lifestyle. You may also find once the little one is here that your interest and desires change. Good luck and I hope you have an easy birth. Willow

windchymes -> RE: Is this normal for Dom fathers to be? (6/7/2008 5:55:11 AM)
I think it's really sweet of him. Every dad-to-be has nerves about the impending birth of a child. In addition to all the other responsibilities of just the physical care, he is most likely going to be the primary financial responsibility, and he's probably having some nervousness about if he's going to be able to make enough money, will he have to get a second job, will you go back to work or not, and if so, how much will child care cost, and OMG how is he ever going to pay for college, etc. Also, chances are, once you've given birth and have this whole new life as a mommy with a new human being to be responsible for, not to mention just the physical recuperation from giving birth, you yourself might not feel like your old self for awhile, either. It will all be okay, just have a happy, easy birth and enjoy your baby! [:)]

DominantJenny -> RE: Is this normal for Dom fathers to be? (6/7/2008 5:56:54 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: scarlettjinx I have asked him, and he said he hopes it is just temporary. We have talked very openly about this, and I did tell him that I was going to pose this question on the boards, and he is also hoping to hear if this is common. He says he still wants to do the things I miss, but something in his head tells him that a good husband/dad would not do that kind of stuff. Maybe it is just a prepare for baby mode thing. He has gone into full force nesting and things like that, way more than me. At least twice a day he freaks out about something we have to buy, and there is no calming him down. So maybe it is just nerves about impending fatherhood. I was mostly wondering if this was something that other Dom fathers have gone through. I am curious for my own reasons, and I would also like to be able to tell him he isn't a total freak. He is worried about it too. Sounds like he has some social conditioning he didn't think about till now. For the record, going a little nuts like this with impending parenthood is not at all unusual...men, in general, are not prepared for parenthood in the same way/to the same degree as women are. Go to the bookstore/library and look at some of the several books that have come out in the last several years specifically aimed at men; it won't help specifically with the roughness problem (well, maybe a little), but it might help him overall. There are MANY, MANY good husbands and fathers who very definitely do that kind of stuff. Maybe he needs to hear that. Hopefully some of the ones who participate in the forums will add their voices to this thread. I'm a dominant woman, about to give birth to our second child. When I was pregnant with our first, my guy worried about me, too, and I'm not the one being treated "roughly"...so, you know, it's not logical, it's just how they've been raised to be for the most part. Work together to get over it...but don't expect much kink at all for the first few months...that's pretty much a period of all baby, all the time survivalism. It'll pass, and you'll be able to really concentrate on reconnecting in this way.

KatyLied -> RE: Is this normal for Dom fathers to be? (6/7/2008 6:39:19 AM)
This may be a temporary thing you are going through. Sometimes relationships do change drastically after kids come along, and it's not something you can predict. Keep communication open and talk about it you should be able to work things out or at least find a compromise.

daddysliloneds -> RE: Is this normal for Dom fathers to be? (6/7/2008 7:35:50 AM)
funny how a bun in the oven changes peoples lives and perspectives isn't it? sometimes things go back to being the same; most times it doesn't.

Midnght -> RE: Is this normal for Dom fathers to be? (6/7/2008 8:44:08 AM)
You can tell him he's not a freak. Being gentler or even stopping all the rough stuff all together happens near the end you get worried you might hurt the baby or cause premature labor etc etc. I know I was there I felt that way. Got two kids now. Once the babies born and your healed up form the birth things can go back to normal but of course the baby will slow him down from doing things he may want to do at a moments notice. Unfortunately that can happen till the child leaves the house. Especially when the toddler gets old enough to knock on doors and ownders what mom and dad are doing. Just be ready to pause and resume try not let it slow your stride and put a lock on the door. Also to don't be surprised if your rough play ends up being late evening and or early morning sex for a good long while. While the babys young you can get away with a lot. When they get older it's harder and harder to sneak off least till they reach 11 or so. I wish you both luck and congrats.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Is this normal for Dom fathers to be? (6/7/2008 9:45:41 AM)
Have you flat out said that it hurts you that he has changes how hw sees you and treats you just because youa re carrying the child you both had? How it makes you scared that you can't be true to yourself because he can't let go of his silly prejudices and see YOU, the person you've always been? SOmetimes a harsh emotional bonk on the head is really the best option. In this case, if there's really nothing else going on and he popped this up out of nowhere, nipping it hard and fast and shoving it in his lap so he knows he's the one who needs to wake up might really work out best.

beltainefaerie -> RE: Is this normal for Dom fathers to be? (6/7/2008 10:30:17 AM)
Everyone changes in some ways preparing for birth. It is good that you are talking about it. I think it may be way more related to you and the child being literally one at the moment and once the baby is born (and you both recover sufficiently, which may take months) It may be back to more like what you are used to, especially if that involves little things like hair pulling and biting. My husband is never very rough with me, but he has been way more cautious of what I am doing, how much I'm working, etc. I wouldn't say he's been treating me likechine as some people find, but I do think he wants me to take things very easy. Master and I have had increasingly little time together as I got later and later into pregnancy and play has stopped nearly altogether, but we plan to resume after my little boy is born. He and his wife have resumed playing some and their daughter is about 6 months now. (Incidentally, for them it was she who lost interest in playing much as she became a mother, but her desires are resuming now that her daughter is out and about as a separate being) Blessings on your relationship and on an easy birth!

impossiblesub -> RE: Is this normal for Dom fathers to be? (6/7/2008 1:11:43 PM)
Kinda touchy - what I think is happening is that now that you are going to be a mother you are falling into the same category of woman as His mother in His mind. Most guys love their mothers and would not do anything to hurt them and would not do to their own mother what they would do to you. Don't know how to advise you here. Try playing the waiting game.

RealSub58 -> RE: Is this normal for Dom fathers to be? (6/7/2008 2:07:48 PM)
I just wonder if you will ask for anything rougher during those dreadful nights that keep you craving more sleep..or you've been sown from stem to stern and it hurts to even sit...or your gushing milk through 3 pads and your skimpy blouse?

daddysgirl804 -> RE: Is this normal for Dom fathers to be? (6/7/2008 2:29:12 PM)
i feel your pian; Master and i just found out we were expecting and He has been extra gentle with me. It drives me CRAZY, but i guess i can understand. When i asked Him about it, He said it just seemed weird, because i was carrying His child; He didnt want to harm her in any way. Like you i am hoping that things will change, go back to normal... but you are much farther along in this than i am. so good luck, i hope it all works out, and let me know if things go back to normal.

bosch -> RE: Is this normal for Dom fathers to be? (6/8/2008 5:41:28 AM)
I take from your posts that this is your first child, and I would say that he doesn't realize how durable / strong a woman's body is while pregnant; he just thinks that he might hurt your or the baby in some way. I can tell you that unless you do some real research and show him the results, there's just no way a man can understand how strong a woman's body is through pregnancy - we simply have no point of reference, and so it becomes a 'better safe than sorry' way of approaching the situation. You've said that he's got a real nesting instinct, which indicates that he's mentally gearing up for being a father, and fatherhood really does change everything (almost as much as motherhood...), so I would guess that mentally he is trying to get used to the ideas of what being a parent means, and that can be super-difficult for your first baby. He's just not sure how to act because he's not sure how a father should act. That will take care of itself... we all work our way through it, but it does take some time. But I can tell you that ALL of those mental exercises pale in comparison to what comes next; six months into parenthood, and you've had not more than two hours sleep between feedings, absolutely no time to yourselves, and a colicy baby that will not be consoled. That's the part that you and he should be thinking about now, because that can put a real strain on your relationship. If I were you, I'd be thinking about how to planning now for some time to yourselves later - think about who you would like to watch the baby for you for a few hours so the two of you can get away when it's possible (that's right - start thinking about babysitters now). If you're going to breast feed, how will you store milk. Where can you go that's close enough to get back to the baby if you need to, etc. Do these things now, because you most likely won't have time later! You're going to be surprised how much of yourselves will get lost in being new parents.

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