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RE: Living Alone -- Can Y/you Give It Up? - 6/11/2008 9:56:08 AM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
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When Doug and I met. I had my house which was worth more money..and larger than his. He had his house.
I had responsibilities with my house. He did not move in with me because it was further away from his work.
It would have taken him an extra hour beyond the hour he was already driving in.

In any event, when I was free to marry...or to just be with him. Marriage didn't have to be part of the equation. It was only natural to be living in the same place all of the time. Because we had a bond that we wanted to be together. Compromise came into play.
If you are just seeing someone, you may not wish to compromise with them and make things work. Though if they are the right person, in time you will.
Who says he isn't going to be the one doing the cooking? Just because you are female does not mean you are going to take on every female household chore.
We have two televisions and I always have the choice to get up and walk to the other if I care to. Generally I do not, but it is an option...every aspect of your life is negotiable.
Plus when you meet someone, what makes you think they would not want to move in with you when the time came?
As men call it you'd have the home court advantage then.
He doesn't have to be perfect because you aren't perfect. For the right person he will put up with your flaws just as you will put up with his.
For now, its a non issue you shouldn't even be worrying about it.

(in reply to pinksugarsub)

Post #: 21

RE: Living Alone -- Can Y/you Give It Up? - 6/11/2008 9:58:03 AM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

Lets face it this question applies to everyong who is living single or even the couple who for work or family reasoins may have to choose if they will move. Again it does to a very great degree apply then a um-less couple decude to have a um. They too will need to make lkarge ajustments in their life and living situation.. ideally I would prefer is we were looking at a girl or boy to come and live with us in a 24/7 situalion, that they owned their own place which they could rent out but have it as a fall back if things didn't work out. I know a number of people no in the kink area who when they get together each owns their own house and some even rent these places out and then buy a home together.. All depends on the individual and how they think and what they want or expect. We tend not to use prenups here except for the rich and famous and I ideally like to have a couple of spare rooms so a potential addition to our family comes and spend weekends with us initially.

To the OP, I'm glad you spent the time to get your own set up sweetest Lady, y'know jolly well if you hooked up with some user I'd just have to get my ass over there and play whoopass with him then paddle on your bottom for a while whilst waiting for my plane to arive to get me back to the land of Koalas and Kangaroos..

Iron Bear
Master of Bruin Cottage
(A Victorian Lifestyle poly home)

"I judge a Man by what I see him do and not by what others tell me he does." (Captain Sir Edward Pellew of the HMS Indefatigable to Midshipman Hornblower ~ C.S. Forrester)

< Message edited by IronBear -- 6/11/2008 10:01:48 AM >

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Post #: 22

RE: Living Alone -- Can Y/you Give It Up? - 6/11/2008 10:12:32 AM

pinksugarsub

Posts: 1224
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MrSpectacular

I don't understand the restrictions in any way. If you are more attached to your home than forming a relationship that is fine. What I don't get is how material items - can stand in the way of real human connections. It concerns me that there also is a sense of controlling the situation - that is - anyone you now meet will have to abide by these 'rules' you have placed upon the relationship. To me that in some way is destructive going in.
Just to be clear though I am not advocating giving up your home - just being open to the relationship being more important.

N

No matter how things begin, they may someday end.

The 'material things' at issue are affordable, safe, decent housing and enough money to meet my basic needs. Losing that is not an acceptable risk to me.

To Merc: it isn't feasible to move another P/person into this townhouse. It's too small for me as it is. i know some Doms are willing to move. i've seen Dom profiles with 'willing to relocate' clicked. It just so happens i'm not in a position to take in A/anyone else.

pinksugarsub

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Post #: 23

RE: Living Alone -- Can Y/you Give It Up? - 6/11/2008 10:13:04 AM

RumpusParable

Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline

I'm someone happiest when living alone, no matter how much I may love my partner. My spouse and I live together, but for the first few months of our marriage we didn't (and also for periods of work, deployment, moving issues, etc haven't at times) and we're seriously talking about getting separate apartments in the future, but in the same complex. When we decide to settle down in one place in future decades, we've talked seriously about a duplex with a connecting door or a dome home complex where there are shared domes and at least a private dome for each of us. Maybe two small houses on the same large property... Not sure, but definitely space giving.

I got curious and looked into it at one point, turns out a lot of long-term and married couples choose to live separately in a happy and amicable fashion (in other words, not due to a wish to be separated or out of negativity... happy together but liking to live apart).

For now, most of the time living together, we've made options for personal space:

We've a small house with 3 bedrooms (though one's so small we use it as a large closet for camping gear and such). The other two bedrooms aren't shared: he has his, I have mine. The "public" bathroom is his since he just showers, shaves, brushes teeth and goes. Me, I have the main bedroom that has a private bathroom attached, so only I ever use it.

We have 3 computers in the house, one for public/joint use in the livingroom, his in his room, mine in my room, all lan'ed together. Mine doubles as a tv, his can pull up movies from the livingroom media storage, and then the livingroom has a regular tv setup that gets cable and can show movies off the server.

We do not enter each other's rooms without the other's permission, though he's a lot looser on this than I am.

So, though we spend a good 80-90% of our time together and sleep together usually, we each have a space for our private hobbies or work, don't have to share a computer/tv/music or bathroom unless we want to, and have a personal space to close the door to when we want some time alone.

We have had to compromise on the kitchen, which is admittedly rough... he's a foot taller than I so we have had the "which cupboard does it belong it" tug of war repeatedly over the years. But, he's the one who cooks almost every meal so I've largely learned to back off and let him run it. If it comes down to it, I can always climb onto the counter to reach. He, in return, has mostly learned to keep his hands off the lan and let me take care of it.

As others have said in various ways: nothing wrong with wanting to live alone. Lots of folks do it, others live together but with personal-space built in. Endless variety in how humans arrange themselves.

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Post #: 24

RE: Living Alone -- Can Y/you Give It Up? - 6/11/2008 10:18:47 AM

pinksugarsub

Posts: 1224
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear

Lets face it this question applies to everyong who is living single or even the couple who for work or family reasoins may have to choose if they will move. Again it does to a very great degree apply then a um-less couple decude to have a um. They too will need to make lkarge ajustments in their life and living situation.. ideally I would prefer is we were looking at a girl or boy to come and live with us in a 24/7 situalion, that they owned their own place which they could rent out but have it as a fall back if things didn't work out. I know a number of people no in the kink area who when they get together each owns their own house and some even rent these places out and then buy a home together.. All depends on the individual and how they think and what they want or expect. We tend not to use prenups here except for the rich and famous and I ideally like to have a couple of spare rooms so a potential addition to our family comes and spend weekends with us initially.

To the OP, I'm glad you spent the time to get your own set up sweetest Lady, y'know jolly well if you hooked up with some user I'd just have to get my ass over there and play whoopass with him then paddle on your bottom for a while whilst waiting for my plane to arive to get me back to the land of Koalas and Kangaroos..

Iron Bear
Master of Bruin Cottage
(A Victorian Lifestyle poly home)

"I judge a Man by what I see him do and not by what others tell me he does." (Captain Sir Edward Pellew of the HMS Indefatigable to Midshipman Hornblower ~ C.S. Forrester)

LMAO. <Considers misbehaving enough to get IronBear here.>

*hugs and kisses*

pinksugarsub

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Post #: 25

RE: Living Alone -- Can Y/you Give It Up? - 6/11/2008 10:34:48 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

every aspect of your life is negotiable.

This how I see it. If I am embarking on what I hope to be a longterm relationship with someone who can't/won't/refuses to understand my need for future stability/security that speaks to the fact that we aren't compatible to begin with.

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Post #: 26

RE: Living Alone -- Can Y/you Give It Up? - 6/11/2008 10:40:12 AM

LadyPhoenixRisen

Posts: 33
Joined: 5/28/2008
Status: offline

I have had the issue where sub/slaves wanted to or expected to move into my home if I owned them. The fact is I can't have them here and I am not sure I would even if I could. I am married and I enjoy sharing my home with my husband. I think having someone else around would be too much for us. I have also had to have my mother move in with an illness, so getting out of my home is something I have to do in order to relieve a bit of stress now and then.

Pup will have his own apt or home in the area close by. My time with him will be seperate, though ever much as valuable as my home life.

There is not a steadfast rule that says you have to live with your dom for a 24/7 TPE to exist. It's more the relationship and the dynamic that exists that turns it into that anyway, not the time you spend together.

If doubt exists, I always find it better to listen to it. Maybe there is something as too cautious, but I haven't seen it.

Phoenix

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Post #: 27

RE: Living Alone -- Can Y/you Give It Up? - 6/11/2008 10:43:27 AM

wanderingstray

Posts: 26
Joined: 6/11/2008
Status: offline

Can I give up living alone in a hotel? Yes, I suppose I could. But I would need to see the cable TV channels available. I would probably also want to play "the desk clerk and the frisky traveler" at times.

(in reply to LadyPhoenixRisen)

Post #: 28

RE: Living Alone -- Can Y/you Give It Up? - 6/11/2008 11:38:05 AM

spinninsweetness

Posts: 477
Joined: 3/6/2008
From: London
Status: offline

I'm in a position where I could not move in with or have someone move in with me. My home isnt my own, as a live-in nanny it is provided by my employers and although I have my freedom in this particular job- it comes with its own flat- it is still not my own.

And to be honest, I just couldnt live with someone. As someone who has never had a serious relationship, or even a non-serious one, I cant get my head around the idea of sharing my space like that. I know it seems silly but I really have no idea if I could co-habit.

And my next job could well be similar to my previous ones, a room in someone elses house, which would put a crimp on the living together thing!

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Post #: 29

RE: Living Alone -- Can Y/you Give It Up? - 6/11/2008 12:02:40 PM

akisha

Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline

When I was looking, the first thing I told men i talked to was that I was not willing to relocate at the begining of the relationship. We could do long distance for a while, they could move here, whatever but not to expect me to give up everything it took me 3 years to re-establish after moving home with nothing but a baby. I did state that after a time if things were working out I would consider moving, and if they moved here first, and we collectively agreed that a move elsewhere togther would be beneficial to us then yes I would move with them.

I really didn't have much trouble finding 2 wonderful men willing to move for me. It's totally possible.

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Post #: 30

RE: Living Alone -- Can Y/you Give It Up? - 6/11/2008 12:09:25 PM

orfunboi

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Joined: 10/22/2005
Status: offline

You say your not looking for anyone so why worry about it? Enjoy what you have now.

(in reply to pinksugarsub)

Post #: 31

RE: Living Alone -- Can Y/you Give It Up? - 6/11/2008 12:32:25 PM

Icarys

Posts: 5757
Status: offline

Has anyone here posting tried(once they figured out what they wanted)asking why is it that i want it.Two things play often i think in many decisions..fear and desire..desire pushes us to seek out things we want and fear pushes away from those..make sure it's an actual desire to have these things and your just not scared out of your mind to give up what you see as freedom..i've often thought of staying single but i know why..I know it's not for me it would be fear of a few things that would keep me from doing it.only one way to face fear...ya just gotta dive right in.the rewards for being in a good relationship way out any heartaches i might get along the way..and for sure is better to me than being alone.

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Post #: 32

RE: Living Alone -- Can Y/you Give It Up? - 6/11/2008 12:57:07 PM

christine1

Posts: 6155
Joined: 12/15/2007
From: i'm headed to HIM...
Status: offline

i've lived alone for 8 years now...yes i could "give it up", and i'm going to in a few months. i don't see it as giving anything up though, i see it as moving on to something i've been wanting for a long time now.

i've done the watch my own tv and sleep how i want and eat what i want when i want thing for a long time now....i'm ready to share those things with another and it makes me deleriously happy that i'm going to be able to very soon....

< Message edited by christine1 -- 6/11/2008 1:27:35 PM >

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Post #: 33

RE: Living Alone -- Can Y/you Give It Up? - 6/11/2008 1:06:57 PM

MzMia

Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
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pinksugarsubby girl, I like your moxy and your style.

You have hit the nail on the head for me on this thread!
I certainly COULD give it up, but it would have to be for a very serious relationship.
I love my life, and where I live!
I will also need to have known the person well, and have spent a lot of time together
prior to meeting.
We will also cover all our bases prior to moving {costs, who is paying for what, furniture,
jobs, and what is the contingent plan in case things don't work out}.
Call me a realist, but that's how I roll.
Too old and wise, to jump into anything so serious and life changing.
To me living together, is a partnership of sorts and I must know and trust my partner WELL,
before there will be anything remotely involving moving.

< Message edited by MzMia -- 6/11/2008 1:26:43 PM >

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Post #: 34

RE: Living Alone -- Can Y/you Give It Up? - 6/11/2008 1:23:50 PM

charlie63

Posts: 36
Joined: 3/29/2008
Status: offline

Throughout my vanilla marriage there were many times I longed for my own space. Since my divorce I LOVE having my own place. My daughter is with me for now, but, being a teenager, is not home often. I have no desire to share my place with anyone else or to share someone else's place with them (although, it WAS nice to come home the other night and have Sir waiting for me). But, I agree with OmegaG - the only constant in life is change, so I won't close myself off to possibilities.

(in reply to christine1)

Post #: 35

RE: Living Alone -- Can Y/you Give It Up? - 6/11/2008 4:04:36 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

He moved up to live with me. I refused to uproot my ums, they've had enough stress in their life as is. His oldest was in college when he moved up, his middle graduates high school in two weeks, and his youngest is moving up to be with us to finish high school. Had he been unable to move, we would have remained ldr until the ums were grown. They come first for both of us.

Beyond that, I could easily rent my house out if need be, allowing me to move back.

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RE: Living Alone -- Can Y/you Give It Up? - 6/11/2008 4:14:05 PM

Real_Trouble

Posts: 471
Joined: 2/25/2008
Status: offline

I would also say I sense some unspoken (or perhaps spoken elsewhere) conflict for the OP; the bottom line, however, is that what you want and what you need (from a basic living standard) perspective are not always in accord.

For my part, I've come to insist that I live alone, and I don't really like the company of other humans for extend periods of time. Maybe this is because I probably spend ~20 - 30 hours a week reading and it's annoying to be interrupted by people when I'm trying to focus on learning new things, or maybe it's just that I'm an antisocial misanthropic bastard (to quote an ex).

Either way, there's nothing wrong with living alone. The only problem would be if you in particular are unhappy with it; worry less about the views of others.

So, in short, the best advice I can give you is not to listen to me too much (or anyone else in this thread). You have to figure out the trade-offs for yourself. Likewise, it's hard to know what to advise without seeing the other options available to you - nearly everything can be changed for the right alternative.

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Post #: 37

RE: Living Alone -- Can Y/you Give It Up? - 6/11/2008 4:46:12 PM

tinkerbelle3

Posts: 55
Joined: 1/25/2008
Status: offline

In all of my years the one thing I've learned more then once is "never say never"

I once was exactly where you are. I was divorced for 8 years and lived alone all of that time. I bought a nice 3 bedroom house with a big yard because I love to garden. I had wonderful friends and a nice career. Mine is one of those stories that starts out with, "we were just friends" < smile> I never in a million years thought that I would leave my life and move 3005 miles away. (we've been living together for a year now and it's glorious)

I remember being like you, this is my stuff and I don't want to share it! For me anyway, that changed once I fell deeply in love with him. My priorities have changed and I'd gladly give up stuff for what I share with this man. However, you may never change the way you feel and you could look for something different ~ I know people who have a wonderful caring relationship but do not live together for whatever reason.

Thank you for sharing your story.... it's helped me realize the changes that I've gone through. Good luck to you. -tinkerbelle

(in reply to OmegaG)

Post #: 38

RE: Living Alone -- Can Y/you Give It Up? - 6/11/2008 4:48:55 PM

Maya2001

Posts: 1656
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: orfunboi

You say your not looking for anyone so why worry about it? Enjoy what you have now.

I agree why worry about......when it comes time to search re-evaluate...do you have a job that is transferable.,if so ..would the dom be agreeable to you paying part of the expenses and banking the remainder ...so if the relationship ended you would have a nest egg of your own.

For myself I have a job that is not transferable..the bonus is if I finish my 30 years service I will retire with a full pension and benefits...it is not something I am willing to give up to me that pension equals financial security in my old age... it has been a sticking point with some doms ..one went as far as suggest he move here from California for a while inoorder to see if we were compatible first and then wanted me to give up my job to move to him, he did not want me working outside the home..... but as I asked him...what happens if 5 years later things break down....I forfeit my pension if I quit earlier and the govermnet pension does not start till I am 65 and that is not enough even to rent a decent apt and at my age I won't get another decent paying job or my current job back...he had agreed he would help my out if the relationship ended ..financially he could very much afford ... but I don't want a monetary leash because as long as he is paying I would be living under his terms....and if he chooses to release me would be paid but I was unhappy and I was the one wanting to end ..could result in nothing ....I was in one relationship already where I walked with nothing other than a handful of clothes and our child and I had to build my own life with no help from him ..and am getting too old to do that now and risk my financial future ...so I told him no... the risks are too large for me... so if I do meet a Dom that is interested in us being together ... it would boil down to either him living close enough for me to commute to work in all types of weather until I retire ... with me moving into his house selling or renting mine out....or him moving into mine ...or selling and buying a home together with agreements in place in the event the relationship ends.... but it is not something I would rush into
.

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Post #: 39

RE: Living Alone -- Can Y/you Give It Up? - 6/11/2008 4:52:52 PM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pinksugarsub

quote:

ORIGINAL: MrSpectacular

I don't understand the restrictions in any way. If you are more attached to your home than forming a relationship that is fine. What I don't get is how material items - can stand in the way of real human connections. It concerns me that there also is a sense of controlling the situation - that is - anyone you now meet will have to abide by these 'rules' you have placed upon the relationship. To me that in some way is destructive going in.
Just to be clear though I am not advocating giving up your home - just being open to the relationship being more important.

N

No matter how things begin, they may someday end.

The 'material things' at issue are affordable, safe, decent housing and enough money to meet my basic needs. Losing that is not an acceptable risk to me.

pinksugarsub

I understand where you are coming from. I was married for 13 years, divorced for 12, and found myself with a Sir that i adore. It was very easy for me to move in with him because my adult um's stayed in my house and cared for our pets. I pay the mortgage and utilities because they both make about $7 an hour - and i don't want them living under a bridge. lol.

i would be very leary about leaving a comfortable rent controlled town house for a relationship of uncertain time span.

my Sir has told me that he has no objection with my house arrangements - his house is, by divorce decree, is to go to his ex , so when he dies, i shall return to my house. Hopefully by then , the kids will have moved out.(oh please goddess!!!!!)

No matter what happens to our relationship i have an out. There is somewhere for me to go, and a house for me too live in. There is no uncertainty - if our relationship should go boots up, i move out, no harm, no foul. I haven't lost anything material.
As a 50 year old woman, i find myself wanting security. And there is nothing wrong with thinking of these issues. Infact, you would be foolish not to.

He is also very easy to live with - i love to read and persue hobbies, he loves to be on the puter. We spend a lot of time together, but not in each others pockets. He works evenings three days a week, so i have alone time. I can't think of a better way for me to live and love someone. i am very lucky.

(in reply to pinksugarsub)

Post #: 40

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