RE: Advice/help needed (Full Version)

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RedMagic1 -> RE: Advice/help needed (6/12/2008 12:30:30 PM)

One side note.  Your profile seems set up to attract a female to be a third somehow.  I'd suggest you not go looking for anyone else until you are both much more aware of -- and comfortable about -- each others' needs.  Strengthen the foundation first.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Advice/help needed (6/12/2008 3:00:34 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingdomwanted
Khem.......That respnse did not make much sense.....

Really?  I thought it was spot on.  Heck even a really experienced master, that's the best course 80% of the time.



ProtagonistLily -> RE: Advice/help needed (6/12/2008 5:09:01 PM)

quote:

Being a "good submissive" does not mean you are a mindreader.

Communication between partners is very important and if he does not know that perhaps he should go back to Dom school.


Amen.

PL



MasterFireMaam -> RE: Advice/help needed (6/12/2008 5:13:38 PM)

The same good communication skills you have (or don't have) in your vanilla relationship should (or will) be transfered to your Ds relationship. He is the Dominant. If he is not getting the responses that he wants, he's not leading you effectively, in my opinion.

Master Fire



subjackster -> RE: Advice/help needed (6/13/2008 8:50:18 AM)

I wasn't expecting so many replies, but the advice was very helpful. Communication has been weak since we graduated from college in May and now live 260 miles apart, so right now it's more or a weekend relationship (temporarily of course). I have tried to be open about anything he wants to try, because I've noticed if there is the slightist questions in my tone of voice he shy's away and that's not the way any experience should start. I also agree with whomever said a blowjob would work and those who referenced books, websites and going to munches. I firmly believe (and will end with this) that I need to further my educational mind frame in this area since it is new to me, it is not new to him but he does not want me to shy away from these experiences and put a negative label on things before I even try them, which may be one of the reasons why he said I should know. Again thank you everyone for your advice, I will take what I can and apply it to learning to be a good submissive.



LotusSong -> RE: Advice/help needed (6/13/2008 8:56:20 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: subjackster

Less than a month ago my boyfriend told me that he was into role playing, bondage, the sub/dom scene and I must say I was shocked. I've been very open to everything he's wanted to try and have loved every minute of it. My question is this: What does it take to be a good submissive partner? All I want to do is please him, but if he doesn't tell me what he wants and says I should know, but I don't. Does anyone have any useful advice or help?

I have found this attitude when the dom doesn't know what else to do. He's looking for ideas.  So get your fantasy hat on and surprise him.



Icarys -> RE: Advice/help needed (6/13/2008 10:29:49 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: subjackster

I wasn't expecting so many replies, but the advice was very helpful. Communication has been weak since we graduated from college in May and now live 260 miles apart, so right now it's more or a weekend relationship (temporarily of course). I have tried to be open about anything he wants to try, because I've noticed if there is the slightist questions in my tone of voice he shy's away and that's not the way any experience should start. I also agree with whomever said a blowjob would work and those who referenced books, websites and going to munches. I firmly believe (and will end with this) that I need to further my educational mind frame in this area since it is new to me, it is not new to him but he does not want me to shy away from these experiences and put a negative label on things before I even try them, which may be one of the reasons why he said I should know. Again thank you everyone for your advice, I will take what I can and apply it to learning to be a good submissive.

I think you have come to possibly a new perspective...he may be just trying you to take action and learn yourself..meaning you should be the one to pick up those books(take the initiative)good luck..



cantilena -> RE: Advice/help needed (6/13/2008 11:13:33 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble

quote:

ORIGINAL: subjackster

Less than a month ago my boyfriend told me that he was into role playing, bondage, the sub/dom scene and I must say I was shocked. I've been very open to everything he's wanted to try and have loved every minute of it. My question is this: What does it take to be a good submissive partner? All I want to do is please him, but if he doesn't tell me what he wants and says I should know, but I don't. Does anyone have any useful advice or help?


You're going to get a lot of folks telling you to communicate which is very generic advice and not all that helpful if it's the other guy who won't open up or you don't know how to do communicate.

To get someone to open up requires that you ask the right questions.

"What do you want?"

"You should know."

Well, that's not very productive is it! Before you open your own mouth to ask a question, think about what information you already have (which is probably more than you think it is but also less than you need) and what it is that you really need to know in order to please him.

Do you know his favorite flavors? Favorite drinks? What does he like to do to relax? What happens to his forehead when he's concentrating? Does he get little wrinkles in it? Do they furrow down the front or go across in straight lines? When he gets a phone call from a good friend, does he light up and get animated? Do his eyes widen slightly or do they close a bit and crinkle on the sides? Does he chew on the end of pens or pencils? Does he doodle? Like to cook? Sing in the shower?

You probably know a whole lot more about him than you think you do .. and if you can't answer all those questions and a whole lot more then when he says "You should know" he might be dead on accurate.

So, instead of "What do you want" .. how about .. "What do you want for dinner?"

He might say he doesn't care in which case you can turn to knowledge of him and prepare something you know he likes (which should please him!) or he might give you a specific menu in which case you can please him by preparing it. Win-win!

Of course, you can fuck with him by making something he hates as well so as to manipulate a reaction. The submissive you want to be is the submissive you decide to be, so it's up to you.

Learn him first, ask the right questions, be observant and before too long, you will know .. you know, if you wanna.

My advice - do your homework.

Good luck!


There's an awe-inspiring amount of truth in this advice.  Sometimes, it isn't about understanding the radical bits - a lot of the time it's understanding the mundane.  Developing observation and having quiet patience are incredibly simple tasks on the surface, yet are two of the most difficult to practise at times.

Thanks for posting this.



eepsy -> RE: Advice/help needed (6/13/2008 1:08:48 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: subjackster

...All I want to do is please him..



IMHO, you're off to a good start. :) i suppose all of us (subs) strive to be good submissives but there isn't a perfect one out there, the idea is to try your best..

What's good for one Dom may not be good for another and vice versa. It depends largely on your relationship, what he wants/needs and what you want/need. And like the others have said, open and honest communication is the key.



leadership527 -> RE: Advice/help needed (6/13/2008 1:30:30 PM)

As several have said here, part of being a good sub is having a good dom.  It sounds to me like he has a bit of dom learning he needs to do.  That's great though!  You can learn together... always a great thing for a couple to do.  A word of caution though, remember that no matter how much you love and trust this person, an unknowledgeable person is NEVER trustwrothy in the area of their ignorance... it's not a personal slam... I'm not a pilot and nobody in their right mind would trust me to fly a plane.  The same can be said of dominance.  Like all things, it takes time to learn.  Submit slowly, in carefully controlled amounts, allow trust to build one tiny little step at a time.

One other thing... I'm going to encourage you to think about "bottom" and "submissive" as separate concepts.  There's no right or wrong here, and I'm sure lots will disagree.. but in pragmatic terms it probably helps to separate out top/bottom (which I think of as as simply two roles in a sexual scene... no power exchange required to play) from Dom/sub which implies some some form of power exchange.  There are about 6 billion ways to skin this particular cat.. try to understand the spectrum of choices before settling into anything.  Besides, sampling all the flavors can be fun :)

In the end, what makes a good sub is whatever it takes to please his or her partner (and yes, it goes the other way around too... what makes a good Dom for you?)  The question is kind of like asking, "What is the best color?"  The answer depends on who you're asking and, even more, for what purpose.  I'd have a different "best color" for my house than for my car.  If everyone is laughing and smiling and having a great time in the relationship, then I'd have to say that you are very definitely a good sub for him... and what else matters really? 



lateralist1 -> RE: Advice/help needed (6/13/2008 2:05:03 PM)

Are you absolutely sure your not just being used to find him someone else?



sunshinemiss -> RE: Advice/help needed (6/13/2008 2:38:16 PM)

An excellent question lateralist...
it came to my mind too with the

ONE MONTH AGO and then joining 8 days ago and then posting this question so quickly.

I am hoping that the "submissive women" that you are looking for is only for you to talk to, not for HIM to play with.

Remember he is the one with experience, he's the one who told you... he is the Dom... he needs to lead.  Let him lead. 

good luck, and don't throw your common sense out the window.
sunshine



Evility -> RE: Advice/help needed (6/13/2008 3:06:07 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: subjackster
All I want to do is please him, but if he doesn't tell me what he wants and says I should know, but I don't.


I've walked a lot of miles in those shoes and it really sucked.



Prinsexx -> RE: Advice/help needed (6/13/2008 4:44:12 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: subjackster

Less than a month ago my boyfriend told me that he was into role playing, bondage, the sub/dom scene and I must say I was shocked. I've been very open to everything he's wanted to try and have loved every minute of it. My question is this: What does it take to be a good submissive partner? All I want to do is please him, but if he doesn't tell me what he wants and says I should know, but I don't. Does anyone have any useful advice or help?

Although you are 22 years old according to your profile you are a bisexual female with a master.. I am not expressing a prejudice here but surely you know something? Does a submissive boyfriend so shock you?
There just seems to be too many questions unaswered here to be able to pass on any useful advise. I personally don't know what the term 'good' means here. It is far too vague a question.




MaamJay -> RE: Advice/help needed (6/13/2008 8:18:46 PM)

While I agree with most posters that as the Dom He should be the one leading and guiding and instructing you ... there are any number of good reasons as to why that's not happening at the moment, the distance being just one of them. I think it's sensible and responsible for anyone introduced to this scene to self-educate so they are aware and able to ask the right questions and negotiate appropriately. So I echo the idea of getting some books and reading, there are also some good websites around. The Albany power exchange website (google it, My computer is only coping with 1 window open at a time today [&:]) has heaps of useful info if you don't have ready access to books. However, don't take one person's style and make it your own ... look for a general education and then devise your own specifics as a couple. Depending on His level of experience He may be feeling a bit unsure too ... perhaps He has been blown away by your ready acceptance of this and is a bit hesitant as to how to best proceed. The last thing a lot of new Dominants want to admit to their subs is that they are new ... whereas in fact there is nothing wrong with learning and experimenting together.

I totally agree with the advice to get you 2 sorted out and on a more stable footing before dragging some hapless third into the equation ... there lies disaster!

Good luck and feel free to message Me on the other side if you have more specific questions you hesitate to ask in a general forum. I like teaching!
Maam Jay aka violet[A]



virgini970 -> RE: Advice/help needed (6/14/2008 9:56:10 AM)

only when you know some one will you know what they want but he all so has to tell you what he needs and want from you but he has to know what he wants befor you do



pompeii -> RE: Advice/help needed (6/14/2008 10:22:16 AM)

A good submissive enjoys being a submissive to a good Dom who enjoys topping her.



peacelili -> RE: Advice/help needed (6/14/2008 12:20:24 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: angelikaJ

Being a "good submissive" does not mean you are a mindreader.

Communication between partners is very important and if he does not know that perhaps he should go back to Dom school.

(LMAO.)...i definaltly have to agree here....we are not mindreaders...









AquaticSub -> RE: Advice/help needed (6/14/2008 12:26:04 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: subjackster

Less than a month ago my boyfriend told me that he was into role playing, bondage, the sub/dom scene and I must say I was shocked. I've been very open to everything he's wanted to try and have loved every minute of it. My question is this: What does it take to be a good submissive partner? All I want to do is please him, but if he doesn't tell me what he wants and says I should know, but I don't. Does anyone have any useful advice or help?


Tell him that no submissive is a mind reader and that if he expects something, he has to tell you what he wants. There are so many different ways of doing this that it is impossible for you to find out what he wants from a message board. If he refuses to tell you what he wants, he has a lot of learning to do and you should point him in the direction of these forums and books that can help him learn. Even if he says he is experienced, if he isn't being clear and is just expecting you to magically know things, he has a great deal of learning to do.



pinksugarsub -> RE: Advice/help needed (6/14/2008 12:42:16 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: subjackster

Less than a month ago my boyfriend told me that he was into role playing, bondage, the sub/dom scene and I must say I was shocked. I've been very open to everything he's wanted to try and have loved every minute of it. My question is this: What does it take to be a good submissive partner? All I want to do is please him, but if he doesn't tell me what he wants and says I should know, but I don't. Does anyone have any useful advice or help?


im not sure i understand exactly what the problem is.  Yr boyfriend has been introducing kink into yr sex life, and you've been enjoying it -- i got that.
 
Yet you say he doesn't tell you what he wants and believes you should know.  How did the kink get introduced then?  Wasn't he telling you what he wanted?
 
In any event, N/nobody can read minds.  Not a 'good submissive' or A/anyone else.  The only advice i can give you is to have a talk with him and tell him he's asking you to do the impossible, and that he will have to tell you what he wants.  i hope he accepts this.
 
BTW, there are 'kinky vanilla' couples, 'bottoms' and other kinds of P/pl who have 'non-traditional' sex lives.  i'm curious why you believe you are a submissive. 
 
That's a life-altering choice, subjackster.  Maybe you might want to do some more reading and reflection before you make a final decision. 
 
JMO.
 
Best wishes.
 
pinksugarsub  



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