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RE: Advice/help needed - 6/12/2008 12:30:30 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline 		One side note.  Your profile seems set up to attract a female to be a third somehow.  I'd suggest you not go looking for anyone else until you are both much more aware of -- and comfortable about -- each others' needs.  Strengthen the foundation first.

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Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to BitaTruble)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Advice/help needed - 6/12/2008 3:00:34 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingdomwanted
Khem.......That respnse did not make much sense.....

Really?  I thought it was spot on.  Heck even a really experienced master, that's the best course 80% of the time.

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Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to lovingdomwanted)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Advice/help needed - 6/12/2008 5:09:01 PM   
ProtagonistLily


Posts: 1222
Joined: 12/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

Being a "good submissive" does not mean you are a mindreader.

Communication between partners is very important and if he does not know that perhaps he should go back to Dom school.


Amen.

PL


_____________________________

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"
~Dr. Seuss~

(in reply to angelikaJ)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Advice/help needed - 6/12/2008 5:13:38 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		The same good communication skills you have (or don't have) in your vanilla relationship should (or will) be transfered to your Ds relationship. He is the Dominant. If he is not getting the responses that he wants, he's not leading you effectively, in my opinion.

Master Fire


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(in reply to subjackster)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Advice/help needed - 6/13/2008 8:50:18 AM   
subjackster


Posts: 2
Joined: 6/4/2008
Status: offline 		I wasn't expecting so many replies, but the advice was very helpful. Communication has been weak since we graduated from college in May and now live 260 miles apart, so right now it's more or a weekend relationship (temporarily of course). I have tried to be open about anything he wants to try, because I've noticed if there is the slightist questions in my tone of voice he shy's away and that's not the way any experience should start. I also agree with whomever said a blowjob would work and those who referenced books, websites and going to munches. I firmly believe (and will end with this) that I need to further my educational mind frame in this area since it is new to me, it is not new to him but he does not want me to shy away from these experiences and put a negative label on things before I even try them, which may be one of the reasons why he said I should know. Again thank you everyone for your advice, I will take what I can and apply it to learning to be a good submissive.

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Advice/help needed - 6/13/2008 8:56:20 AM   
LotusSong


Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subjackster

Less than a month ago my boyfriend told me that he was into role playing, bondage, the sub/dom scene and I must say I was shocked. I've been very open to everything he's wanted to try and have loved every minute of it. My question is this: What does it take to be a good submissive partner? All I want to do is please him, but if he doesn't tell me what he wants and says I should know, but I don't. Does anyone have any useful advice or help?

I have found this attitude when the dom doesn't know what else to do. He's looking for ideas.  So get your fantasy hat on and surprise him.

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.


(in reply to subjackster)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Advice/help needed - 6/13/2008 10:29:49 AM   
Icarys


Posts: 5757
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subjackster

I wasn't expecting so many replies, but the advice was very helpful. Communication has been weak since we graduated from college in May and now live 260 miles apart, so right now it's more or a weekend relationship (temporarily of course). I have tried to be open about anything he wants to try, because I've noticed if there is the slightist questions in my tone of voice he shy's away and that's not the way any experience should start. I also agree with whomever said a blowjob would work and those who referenced books, websites and going to munches. I firmly believe (and will end with this) that I need to further my educational mind frame in this area since it is new to me, it is not new to him but he does not want me to shy away from these experiences and put a negative label on things before I even try them, which may be one of the reasons why he said I should know. Again thank you everyone for your advice, I will take what I can and apply it to learning to be a good submissive.

I think you have come to possibly a new perspective...he may be just trying you to take action and learn yourself..meaning you should be the one to pick up those books(take the initiative)good luck..


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(in reply to subjackster)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Advice/help needed - 6/13/2008 11:13:33 AM   
cantilena


Posts: 224
Joined: 8/6/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble

quote:

ORIGINAL: subjackster

Less than a month ago my boyfriend told me that he was into role playing, bondage, the sub/dom scene and I must say I was shocked. I've been very open to everything he's wanted to try and have loved every minute of it. My question is this: What does it take to be a good submissive partner? All I want to do is please him, but if he doesn't tell me what he wants and says I should know, but I don't. Does anyone have any useful advice or help?


You're going to get a lot of folks telling you to communicate which is very generic advice and not all that helpful if it's the other guy who won't open up or you don't know how to do communicate.

To get someone to open up requires that you ask the right questions.

"What do you want?"

"You should know."

Well, that's not very productive is it! Before you open your own mouth to ask a question, think about what information you already have (which is probably more than you think it is but also less than you need) and what it is that you really need to know in order to please him.

Do you know his favorite flavors? Favorite drinks? What does he like to do to relax? What happens to his forehead when he's concentrating? Does he get little wrinkles in it? Do they furrow down the front or go across in straight lines? When he gets a phone call from a good friend, does he light up and get animated? Do his eyes widen slightly or do they close a bit and crinkle on the sides? Does he chew on the end of pens or pencils? Does he doodle? Like to cook? Sing in the shower?

You probably know a whole lot more about him than you think you do .. and if you can't answer all those questions and a whole lot more then when he says "You should know" he might be dead on accurate.

So, instead of "What do you want" .. how about .. "What do you want for dinner?"

He might say he doesn't care in which case you can turn to knowledge of him and prepare something you know he likes (which should please him!) or he might give you a specific menu in which case you can please him by preparing it. Win-win!

Of course, you can fuck with him by making something he hates as well so as to manipulate a reaction. The submissive you want to be is the submissive you decide to be, so it's up to you.

Learn him first, ask the right questions, be observant and before too long, you will know .. you know, if you wanna.

My advice - do your homework.

Good luck!


There's an awe-inspiring amount of truth in this advice.  Sometimes, it isn't about understanding the radical bits - a lot of the time it's understanding the mundane.  Developing observation and having quiet patience are incredibly simple tasks on the surface, yet are two of the most difficult to practise at times.

Thanks for posting this.

(in reply to BitaTruble)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Advice/help needed - 6/13/2008 1:08:48 PM   
eepsy


Posts: 38
Joined: 5/18/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subjackster

...All I want to do is please him..



IMHO, you're off to a good start. :) i suppose all of us (subs) strive to be good submissives but there isn't a perfect one out there, the idea is to try your best..

What's good for one Dom may not be good for another and vice versa. It depends largely on your relationship, what he wants/needs and what you want/need. And like the others have said, open and honest communication is the key.

(in reply to subjackster)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Advice/help needed - 6/13/2008 1:30:30 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		As several have said here, part of being a good sub is having a good dom.  It sounds to me like he has a bit of dom learning he needs to do.  That's great though!  You can learn together... always a great thing for a couple to do.  A word of caution though, remember that no matter how much you love and trust this person, an unknowledgeable person is NEVER trustwrothy in the area of their ignorance... it's not a personal slam... I'm not a pilot and nobody in their right mind would trust me to fly a plane.  The same can be said of dominance.  Like all things, it takes time to learn.  Submit slowly, in carefully controlled amounts, allow trust to build one tiny little step at a time.

One other thing... I'm going to encourage you to think about "bottom" and "submissive" as separate concepts.  There's no right or wrong here, and I'm sure lots will disagree.. but in pragmatic terms it probably helps to separate out top/bottom (which I think of as as simply two roles in a sexual scene... no power exchange required to play) from Dom/sub which implies some some form of power exchange.  There are about 6 billion ways to skin this particular cat.. try to understand the spectrum of choices before settling into anything.  Besides, sampling all the flavors can be fun :)

In the end, what makes a good sub is whatever it takes to please his or her partner (and yes, it goes the other way around too... what makes a good Dom for you?)  The question is kind of like asking, "What is the best color?"  The answer depends on who you're asking and, even more, for what purpose.  I'd have a different "best color" for my house than for my car.  If everyone is laughing and smiling and having a great time in the relationship, then I'd have to say that you are very definitely a good sub for him... and what else matters really? 

(in reply to BitaTruble)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Advice/help needed - 6/13/2008 2:05:03 PM   
lateralist1


Posts: 886
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		Are you absolutely sure your not just being used to find him someone else?

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Advice/help needed - 6/13/2008 2:38:16 PM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		An excellent question lateralist...
it came to my mind too with the

ONE MONTH AGO and then joining 8 days ago and then posting this question so quickly.

I am hoping that the "submissive women" that you are looking for is only for you to talk to, not for HIM to play with.

Remember he is the one with experience, he's the one who told you... he is the Dom... he needs to lead.  Let him lead. 

good luck, and don't throw your common sense out the window.
sunshine

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to lateralist1)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Advice/help needed - 6/13/2008 3:06:07 PM   
Evility


Posts: 915
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subjackster
All I want to do is please him, but if he doesn't tell me what he wants and says I should know, but I don't.


I've walked a lot of miles in those shoes and it really sucked.

(in reply to subjackster)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Advice/help needed - 6/13/2008 4:44:12 PM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subjackster

Less than a month ago my boyfriend told me that he was into role playing, bondage, the sub/dom scene and I must say I was shocked. I've been very open to everything he's wanted to try and have loved every minute of it. My question is this: What does it take to be a good submissive partner? All I want to do is please him, but if he doesn't tell me what he wants and says I should know, but I don't. Does anyone have any useful advice or help?

Although you are 22 years old according to your profile you are a bisexual female with a master.. I am not expressing a prejudice here but surely you know something? Does a submissive boyfriend so shock you?
There just seems to be too many questions unaswered here to be able to pass on any useful advise. I personally don't know what the term 'good' means here. It is far too vague a question.



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(in reply to subjackster)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Advice/help needed - 6/13/2008 8:18:46 PM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		While I agree with most posters that as the Dom He should be the one leading and guiding and instructing you ... there are any number of good reasons as to why that's not happening at the moment, the distance being just one of them. I think it's sensible and responsible for anyone introduced to this scene to self-educate so they are aware and able to ask the right questions and negotiate appropriately. So I echo the idea of getting some books and reading, there are also some good websites around. The Albany power exchange website (google it, My computer is only coping with 1 window open at a time today ) has heaps of useful info if you don't have ready access to books. However, don't take one person's style and make it your own ... look for a general education and then devise your own specifics as a couple. Depending on His level of experience He may be feeling a bit unsure too ... perhaps He has been blown away by your ready acceptance of this and is a bit hesitant as to how to best proceed. The last thing a lot of new Dominants want to admit to their subs is that they are new ... whereas in fact there is nothing wrong with learning and experimenting together.

I totally agree with the advice to get you 2 sorted out and on a more stable footing before dragging some hapless third into the equation ... there lies disaster!

Good luck and feel free to message Me on the other side if you have more specific questions you hesitate to ask in a general forum. I like teaching!
Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to Prinsexx)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Advice/help needed - 6/14/2008 9:56:10 AM   
virgini970


Posts: 142
Joined: 5/28/2008
Status: offline 		only when you know some one will you know what they want but he all so has to tell you what he needs and want from you but he has to know what he wants befor you do

(in reply to BitaTruble)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Advice/help needed - 6/14/2008 10:22:16 AM   
pompeii


Posts: 934
Joined: 1/4/2007
From: Silicon Valley, San Jose, California
Status: offline 		A good submissive enjoys being a submissive to a good Dom who enjoys topping her.

(in reply to BitaTruble)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Advice/help needed - 6/14/2008 12:20:24 PM   
peacelili


Posts: 29
Joined: 2/15/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: angelikaJ

Being a "good submissive" does not mean you are a mindreader.

Communication between partners is very important and if he does not know that perhaps he should go back to Dom school.

(LMAO.)...i definaltly have to agree here....we are not mindreaders...







(in reply to angelikaJ)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Advice/help needed - 6/14/2008 12:26:04 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subjackster

Less than a month ago my boyfriend told me that he was into role playing, bondage, the sub/dom scene and I must say I was shocked. I've been very open to everything he's wanted to try and have loved every minute of it. My question is this: What does it take to be a good submissive partner? All I want to do is please him, but if he doesn't tell me what he wants and says I should know, but I don't. Does anyone have any useful advice or help?


Tell him that no submissive is a mind reader and that if he expects something, he has to tell you what he wants. There are so many different ways of doing this that it is impossible for you to find out what he wants from a message board. If he refuses to tell you what he wants, he has a lot of learning to do and you should point him in the direction of these forums and books that can help him learn. Even if he says he is experienced, if he isn't being clear and is just expecting you to magically know things, he has a great deal of learning to do.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to subjackster)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Advice/help needed - 6/14/2008 12:42:16 PM   
pinksugarsub


Posts: 1224
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subjackster

Less than a month ago my boyfriend told me that he was into role playing, bondage, the sub/dom scene and I must say I was shocked. I've been very open to everything he's wanted to try and have loved every minute of it. My question is this: What does it take to be a good submissive partner? All I want to do is please him, but if he doesn't tell me what he wants and says I should know, but I don't. Does anyone have any useful advice or help?


im not sure i understand exactly what the problem is.  Yr boyfriend has been introducing kink into yr sex life, and you've been enjoying it -- i got that.
 
Yet you say he doesn't tell you what he wants and believes you should know.  How did the kink get introduced then?  Wasn't he telling you what he wanted?
 
In any event, N/nobody can read minds.  Not a 'good submissive' or A/anyone else.  The only advice i can give you is to have a talk with him and tell him he's asking you to do the impossible, and that he will have to tell you what he wants.  i hope he accepts this.
 
BTW, there are 'kinky vanilla' couples, 'bottoms' and other kinds of P/pl who have 'non-traditional' sex lives.  i'm curious why you believe you are a submissive. 
 
That's a life-altering choice, subjackster.  Maybe you might want to do some more reading and reflection before you make a final decision. 
 
JMO.
 
Best wishes.
 
pinksugarsub  

< Message edited by pinksugarsub -- 6/14/2008 12:43:55 PM >

_____________________________





(in reply to subjackster)
Profile   Post #: 40
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