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WhiplashSmile2 -> RE: Advice/help needed (6/12/2008 9:18:16 AM)
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Welcome to the Message boards here. It's perfectly acceptable to post specific questions in the General BDSM discussion forum. This way you are certain to get advice from a wide range of people.
Perhaps the single greatest piece of advice that is given regarding most BDSM issues, is "Communication". Generally speaking the issue that block communication need to be addressed.
Nobody is a mind reader. However, some people are very adapt at reading body language, facial expressions, tone of voice and such. Some of these things work to a limited degree.
One of the beautiful things about a D/s relationship. Is that the Dom partner has the Freedom to express exactly what they want, how they want it and when they want it. Basically, they are the ones in charge of things.
I do not expect for anybody, submissive or otherwise to simply know what is on my mind. From my own experience, I have known people that were able to read me pretty well at times, in terms of my physical reaction to something going on. Where as they would quickly assert themselves with a question or make a comment about my reaction. This in itself is just a general skill that anybody can do. Regardless of orientation (submissive, switch or Dom/me).
Generally by making a comment with regards to an observation, you might be able to use this to get your Dom partner to open up and feel more comfortable in expressing themselves deeper. Two things not to do, that is to make an assumption about what's on their mind. (you might have a good guess, but guesses are not always right), and don't push or expect for them to give you an answer. Basically, it just makes them aware that you are attuned to them.
Now, it's ok to be assertive as a submissive, provided your Dom partner can deal with it. (some can't deal with it very well). With that said, a good Assertive submissive will ask a lot of questions in regards to figuring out the likes and dislikes, wants and needs of their Dom partner. This is just a form of picking the brain. With that said, this gives you an idea of what you should or should not be doing. This should give you an idea as to how to run on what I call "auto pilot" mode.
In short, Micromanagment on the Dom part varies in degree. Something that is unique from relationship and person to person. The less your Dom partner wants to manage you, the more you have to operate on "auto pilot" mode.
The bitch about "auto pilot" mode is that at times, you might find yourself wishing, wanting and desiring for your DOM partner to step in and be a little more assertive in a Domly manner. That you would Love for him to Give you a direct direction, guidence, orders, commands or whatever else.
There is line when a submissive might feel, like they are being given "too much freedom", some submissives desire a large amount of Micromanagement or management, others desire less.
There is a whole balancing act that needs to be done, to sort of establish a control baseline. Some Doms don't want to manage what you are wearing for the day, and if you ask them and press them on it, well they just might come back with an answer such as "you should know". Which is Domly pussy boy talk for saying "I don't give a shit" or in short "I don't want control over that aspect of your life". However, some Doms find it hard to express that they don't want control over something because it conflicts with the notion that they are in control.
It's a little difficult to know exactly the issues in your relationship. Meaning I don't know honestly what your DOM partner means when he says "You should know". Everybody on this message board is even more clueless then you are.
I'm just tossing out some of my thoughts based on personal past experiences, and things I know about.
I know one thing is for certain, that it takes good honest communication for any relationship to work. If anything it's perhaps even more important in a D/s relationship.
In terms of being a "good submissive" that's rather subjective. Because what one person feels or thinks is a good submissive another person might believe that they are not. It's what your DOM thinks.
This is why I find it important to include positive reinforcement. Such as saying "Good girl" and other similar things. I could care less if the rest of the world thought she was crappy submissive. She's know without question she is "Great submissive" in my eyes. That's what counts!
I've tried to toss out a few things for you to think about. One of the downsides that Doms are often have to overcome is that it's OK to tell somebody what to do, how to do it and when to do. That it's OK to boss little girls around and use them to please them. Even more so when the girl wants to do anything and everything in her power to please their Dom. So he may have some issues regarding his own Social Conditioning that he must face.
I wish you the best of luck. Keep an open mind with things people post on the message boards. Some advice is really good, some not so good. People are giving their thoughts and advice based on the limited information you provide. Everybody has had different experiences (good and bad). Read through the posts and take what you find is useful or of value to you.
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