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RE: Conflicting images... - 6/12/2008 7:24:22 PM

petdave

Posts: 2479
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DominantJenny

As someone who is big on being consistently who I am, and even bigger on honesty,

See, there's yer problem!

Most of the time, i'm playing a role*. i know more or less what the world expects me to be and do, so i approximate that to the best of my abilities (as long as it's not TOO big a pain in the ass). i care much less about the dissonance than i do about the time that i get to spend actually being me.

Now, if you're feeling that the two aspects of your nature are both legitimate, and the problem is reconciling that they can both exist in the same person, have you asked yourself why they shouldn't?

*(i figure everyone else is, too, for whatever that's worth)

(in reply to DominantJenny)

Post #: 21

RE: Conflicting images... - 6/12/2008 9:40:01 PM

Wickad

Posts: 428
Joined: 3/12/2005
Status: offline

(fast reply)

Greetings,

All of my friends, and a good portion of my family, know what I'm about. I never feel a need to hide a part of myself from others.

That being said, I also don't flaunt certain things in people's faces. There really is no reason to talk to my parents about the BDSM Conference I just spent the weekend at, and how I had a wonderful time torturing someone for my pleasure. They don't need to know this and, frankly, they don't want to know this. I am not a one dimensional person, so I have lots of things to talk about with the many different types of people in my life.

I don't find using appropriate topics for people dichotomous at all. I am a Dominant Woman. I am also an environmentalist. I am also a Westerner. I also am Canadian. I am a lot of things and I have many things in my life. There is no reason to deny a part of oneself but there is also no reason to try and talk to my Father who works in the Oil and Gas industry about how we're all going to be facing a huge environmental diaster because of the Alberta Tar Sands - lol.

I think it's a matter of perspective.

Wickad

(in reply to petdave)

Post #: 22

RE: Conflicting images... - 6/13/2008 3:12:23 AM

MaamJay

Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline

Oh heck I've got the market on duality covered, being both Domme and sub, nice and nasty, sadistic and masochistic, smart and silly, older (than Master) and younger (when i age play!), human and pet (i make a great puppy!) ... I thrive on duality! Not everyone sees all those aspects of Me and that's fine, there are times when I would like to reveal a bit more to some folk but I hold back unless I have thought "in cold blood" about whether it's appropriate for them to know and how their knowing might impact our relationship. I would really hate to be one-sided but then, those who believe in astrology would say that was never going to happen to a Gemini LOL! And according to the Drs I was meant to have been a twin and the other was resorbed ... so that might explain a lot! Keep a level head (as in keep the 2 sides in a nice state of balance), don't worry too much about labels ... and try not to actually damage anyone physically or mentally, seek to build up and not to destroy. That's My philosophy and that's how I deal with who I am.

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to Wickad)

Post #: 23

RE: Conflicting images... - 6/13/2008 3:58:08 AM

Asherdelampyr

Posts: 9556
Joined: 11/14/2006
From: The Desert
Status: offline

I dont think I have that issue... though maybe taking into account the way I normally dress, and the number of cmails I get telling me that long hair is subly and I must, at heart be a sub/slave because I have it :P

_____________________________

Pirate King,

The nicest man you'll ever bleed for

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Vitam Piratae Eligo

The Rainmaker

(in reply to MaamJay)

Post #: 24

RE: Conflicting images... - 6/13/2008 5:25:49 AM

DominantJenny

Posts: 645
Joined: 4/6/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: petdave

quote:

ORIGINAL: DominantJenny

As someone who is big on being consistently who I am, and even bigger on honesty,

See, there's yer problem!

Most of the time, i'm playing a role*. i know more or less what the world expects me to be and do, so i approximate that to the best of my abilities (as long as it's not TOO big a pain in the ass). i care much less about the dissonance than i do about the time that i get to spend actually being me.

Now, if you're feeling that the two aspects of your nature are both legitimate, and the problem is reconciling that they can both exist in the same person, have you asked yourself why they shouldn't?

*(i figure everyone else is, too, for whatever that's worth)

Not everyone else is. :) I know people do, but I've just never been good at or comfortable with masks/roles. (Okay, never is a long time. Never in my adulthood, let's clarify.) I don't even role-play well; I'm pretty wysiwyg, assuming you are seeing all of me, that is.
I have no problem with grasping/being comfortable with my own dualities. I just wish everyone ELSE could. :P

(in reply to petdave)

Post #: 25

RE: Conflicting images... - 6/13/2008 5:29:12 AM

DominantJenny

Posts: 645
Joined: 4/6/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wickad

That being said, I also don't flaunt certain things in people's faces. There really is no reason to talk to my parents about the BDSM Conference I just spent the weekend at, and how I had a wonderful time torturing someone for my pleasure. They don't need to know this and, frankly, they don't want to know this. I am not a one dimensional person, so I have lots of things to talk about with the many different types of people in my life.

This is a good example...but what do you do when they ASK what you did that weekend? See, just saying "I went to a conference", with no further detail (with parents or friends or whatever that I'm close to) would be inconsistent with my natural sharing personality; I'm not a private person by nature. That's when it bugs me.

(in reply to Wickad)

Post #: 26

RE: Conflicting images... - 6/13/2008 5:30:01 AM

TNstepsout

Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline

Well I am a very typical Gemini so I'm used to being "dichotomous" and in fact I really enjoy it when expectations collide with reality. I like it even more when I can provide some of that. I don't struggle so much with how others might reconcile the seemingly unrelated facets of my personality. That's something I find a bit amusing. But sometimes I do struggle with my own internal concerns of whether I can be sadistic to someone I respect and care about. With the added difficulty that I cannot be intimate with someone I don't care about.... well it's a bit of a quandry.

My solution? Watch Judge Judy and eat chocolate. That usually gets my mind off anything serious. *g*

(in reply to subtex)

Post #: 27

RE: Conflicting images... - 6/13/2008 5:44:04 AM

selena123

Posts: 62
Joined: 1/26/2008
Status: offline

Well I think most people have different aspects to their personality, and that they do not share them all with the general public. My lifestyle would not be accepted by the people in my workplace, but I make it loud and clear that I support whatever I support , I usually just don't say that I'm part of it. I work in a very liberal profession, that said they are usually only liberal when it comes to our clients and less liberal about ourselves sadly. Good question though.

(in reply to subtex)

Post #: 28

RE: Conflicting images... - 6/13/2008 12:38:06 PM

TNstepsout

Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DominantJenny

This is a good example...but what do you do when they ASK what you did that weekend? See, just saying "I went to a conference", with no further detail (with parents or friends or whatever that I'm close to) would be inconsistent with my natural sharing personality; I'm not a private person by nature. That's when it bugs me.

This is a problem I have in dealing with my kids. My two grown kids live with me and while my son could care less, my daughter and I are very close and if I'm going somewhere she usually wants to go too! I really hate making things up and feeling like I'm lying to and deceiving my own daughter, especially when she only does it because she loves spending time with me. And I know exactly what you mean by your generally sharing nature. When I go someplace fun I blather on and on about it endlessly. I tell stories and talk about what I liked and who I met and generally have a lot to say. If I don't say much well.... I always worry that it makes those close to me suspicious. But maybe I just worry too much. Maybe it's just my own guilty feelings of thinking I'm deceiving people.

(in reply to DominantJenny)

Post #: 29

RE: Conflicting images... - 6/13/2008 1:48:12 PM

pixelslave

Posts: 1444
Joined: 8/19/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DominantJenny

Not everyone else is. :) I know people do, but I've just never been good at or comfortable with masks/roles. (Okay, never is a long time. Never in my adulthood, let's clarify.) I don't even role-play well; I'm pretty wysiwyg, assuming you are seeing all of me, that is.
I have no problem with grasping/being comfortable with my own dualities. I just wish everyone ELSE could. :P

I think we all have many different "roles" we take on in our lives, but they don't have to define us. I'm a father of 2 UM's, so very often I take on the role of being a "father" to them. They also see the side of me that's submissive to a women and to them that's "just dad" and they don't think anything of it. We can have fun painting nails and doing things like that together was well; things which I doubt many fathers do with their female UM's.

I also take on the role of "student" quite often in many ways as I learn different things about life, myself, the people around me, software I'm studying to learn, problems I'm trying to solve, etc. I'm also a "friend" to many, an "owner" to my lost dog that I'm trying to find a way to bring back to us, a "customer" at stores and other places, a "patient" when visiting my doctors, etc. There's also the "submissive", especially when involved with a Dominant and many other roles one takes on with a number of them overlapping at times, including the "spiritual and compassionate" person that is always there within me as well.

I don't see any of these as masks, but there are also things such as invisible walls that I may put up in unfamiliar situations to establish boundaries which others may have to get past and get beyond them to meet the person that exists within me on a real time basis.

- pixel

_____________________________

Chivalry isn't dead! It's for those who have it in their hearts & are willing to be taught. It's a way of life, a code of honor; this one's armor still needs some polishing!

(in reply to DominantJenny)

Post #: 30

RE: Conflicting images... - 6/13/2008 1:58:48 PM

pixelslave

Posts: 1444
Joined: 8/19/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TNstepsout

Well I am a very typical Gemini so I'm used to being "dichotomous" and in fact I really enjoy it when expectations collide with reality. I like it even more when I can provide some of that. I don't struggle so much with how others might reconcile the seemingly unrelated facets of my personality. That's something I find a bit amusing. But sometimes I do struggle with my own internal concerns of whether I can be sadistic to someone I respect and care about. With the added difficulty that I cannot be intimate with someone I don't care about.... well it's a bit of a quandry.

If you can be sadistic to someone you care about and they still care about you afterwards, then I wouldn't be concerned; especially if you have the desire to provide aftercare and you feel closer to them because of having shared the experience together.

To me, not being intimate with someone you don't care about is a personal choice and a sign of maturity. In my experience, when I've played casually or been intimate with people I barely knew, it created a false sense of intimacy to fill a need for a connection with others that only seemed to leave me with a stronger need for a connection; not at all as though my need for a connection has been satiated in any manner.

- pixel

< Message edited by pixelslave -- 6/13/2008 1:59:44 PM >

_____________________________

Chivalry isn't dead! It's for those who have it in their hearts & are willing to be taught. It's a way of life, a code of honor; this one's armor still needs some polishing!

(in reply to TNstepsout)

Post #: 31

RE: Conflicting images... - 6/13/2008 2:03:15 PM

Wickad

Posts: 428
Joined: 3/12/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DominantJenny

This is a good example...but what do you do when they ASK what you did that weekend? See, just saying "I went to a conference", with no further detail (with parents or friends or whatever that I'm close to) would be inconsistent with my natural sharing personality; I'm not a private person by nature. That's when it bugs me.

Actually, this is exactly what I said. My brother kept pushing the issue to I expanded it to be,

"We were at a conference in Edmonton. You know. Had a great time. Saw some old friends from Calgary. You know what I mean. So, ... has there been this much snow here all winter? Wow, we only got half this much in Saskatoon."

Pretty soon he caught on and moved along with things. I think he has a pretty good idea of what I'm about and was just trying to cause problems - lol. Ahhh, siblings.

I'm a very open person when it comes to my life and I've had to try really hard to not tell everybody everything - lol As to the topic of BDSM, if asked I'm usually really vague about what I've been doing with my vanilla family and friends. They really don't want to know after all. Though I mention people that I saw that they may know and such - lol. "... and Sara was there. (vague look) You remember her. She was with me when I went camping last year. We stopped in and used your shower before we went back to Calgary. Bigger girl, black hair ... You remember??" LOL - and this usually leads into topics about camping plans for this year and was I bringing anyone else they knew.

It's just life - lol.

Wickad

(in reply to DominantJenny)

Post #: 32

RE: Conflicting images... - 6/13/2008 7:30:04 PM

petdave

Posts: 2479
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DominantJenny
I have no problem with grasping/being comfortable with my own dualities. I just wish everyone ELSE could. :P

Hm, i didn't really get that from your initial post, but ok. i just wish i could walk away from the act. And i wish i could fly. That would be cool too.

(in reply to DominantJenny)

Post #: 33

RE: Conflicting images... - 6/13/2008 8:41:22 PM

torsionman

Posts: 74
Joined: 7/28/2004
Status: offline

The one conflicting image we all see is the image in the mirror. If there is something written on your shirt, it's backwards in the mirror...a conflicting image even though you KNOW it's you. Some things about ourselves are hard to figure, like reading backwards. The question left is, can any of us concentrate on that backwards image and control it and use it to our advantage? Is having two legs or arms or hands a dichotomy...how about two eyes and ears? How about a left and a right brain motivation? Most of us have learned to use both sides in harmony. Can a personal dichotomy be far behind?

(in reply to DominantJenny)

Post #: 34

RE: Conflicting images... - 6/13/2008 10:24:17 PM

MsBlackheart

Posts: 54
Joined: 7/27/2005
From: Memphis TN
Status: offline

I know women, both dominant and vanilla, who command attention, are very take-charge and assertive, never reveal a weakness, and fit the stereotype of a domme neatly.

Then there's me. I am a total goobery history/Jane Austen/Harry Potter geek, silly, irreverent, act like a teenager much of the time, and at the same time am shy and reserved around people I don't know well. I believe I'm also nurturing, generous, polite, loyal, imaginative, adventurous and thoughtful. I don't know how all of that manages to combine with being self-centered and demanding, but somehow it does. I don't want to be the center of attention in a room full of people. I hate confrontation (smart people find ways to avoid it neatly). I don't act like I know it all (because I don't and never will). I've agonized over something I said or did a million times. And yeah, I've seen two people exchange glances over something I said, knowing it was "undommely" of me to express an emotion that implied I was anything less than the epitome of imperious. My reaction was a silent "oh please". It does bother me, but I'm not going to put up a facade, that would violate my own code of ethics. I'm suspicious of people who do that and avoid them.

While it's nice to imagine being so completely together and flawless that I fit the ideal of the perfect dominant, it's probably not going to happen in this lifetime. I really like me, even with all the inconsistencies. The very few people who've been the focus of my attention know that when I mean business, it's going to be intense, that I can be sadistic and unflinching or motherly and loving or playful and evil, and maybe all six in one day if you're lucky, and I'll tell you from the start that I'm not perfect. But I'm honest. And FUN.

_____________________________

"Reality kicks Fantasy's ass every time" -Me

(in reply to DominantJenny)

Post #: 35

RE: Conflicting images... - 6/14/2008 5:17:12 AM

DominantJenny

Posts: 645
Joined: 4/6/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: petdave

quote:

ORIGINAL: DominantJenny
I have no problem with grasping/being comfortable with my own dualities. I just wish everyone ELSE could. :P

Hm, i didn't really get that from your initial post, but ok. i just wish i could walk away from the act. And i wish i could fly. That would be cool too.

I must not have phrased it very well. Oh, well. Yeah, if wishes were horses...

(in reply to petdave)

Post #: 36

RE: Conflicting images... - 6/14/2008 5:18:14 AM

DominantJenny

Posts: 645
Joined: 4/6/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TNstepsout

quote:

ORIGINAL: DominantJenny

This is a good example...but what do you do when they ASK what you did that weekend? See, just saying "I went to a conference", with no further detail (with parents or friends or whatever that I'm close to) would be inconsistent with my natural sharing personality; I'm not a private person by nature. That's when it bugs me.

This is a problem I have in dealing with my kids. My two grown kids live with me and while my son could care less, my daughter and I are very close and if I'm going somewhere she usually wants to go too! I really hate making things up and feeling like I'm lying to and deceiving my own daughter, especially when she only does it because she loves spending time with me. And I know exactly what you mean by your generally sharing nature. When I go someplace fun I blather on and on about it endlessly. I tell stories and talk about what I liked and who I met and generally have a lot to say. If I don't say much well.... I always worry that it makes those close to me suspicious. But maybe I just worry too much. Maybe it's just my own guilty feelings of thinking I'm deceiving people.

This is exactly the sort of thing I was talking about; thanks. I wish I had the answers!

(in reply to TNstepsout)

Post #: 37

RE: Conflicting images... - 6/14/2008 7:54:15 PM

Reigna

Posts: 334
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DominantJenny
... what do you do when they ASK what you did that weekend? See, just saying "I went to a conference", with no further detail (with parents or friends or whatever that I'm close to) would be inconsistent with my natural sharing personality; I'm not a private person by nature. That's when it bugs me.

Jenny, I hope you won't take this amiss. But from the sound of your posts, you and your sub are fairly isolated where you live. Some of the angst I sense behind your post could possibly be relieved if you had real, live contacts with other people in the scene. Isolation can make you feel alone and crazy, and I hope I'm misreading you when I hear this behind your post.

As for me, BDSM is, for me and my sub, all about sex; and since neither of us wishes to flaunt our sex lives to those who aren't interested or for whom the information would be inappropriate, there's really no problem with dualities and whatnot. I'm just not inclined to share this kind of stuff. They don't want to know, and I don't want to tell them. Nor do I feel inconsistent. My dominant persona simply is an extension and an exaggeration of my natural persona. The very few people who know about my sexuality are completely unsurprised when they learn what role I take sexually. They nod, mutter something like, "That figures," and then move on, I assume because my entire mien discourages discussion of things I obviously wish to keep private.

That said, sometimes you really can't avoid answering questions in some fashion. Recently my sub and I went out of town for a weekend, and one of our activities was attending a play party. [Side note: A few of the older, white-haired male doms there were wearing t-shirts printed with the saying, "I'm the nice one." So true!]

We have adolescent children, who on our return politely asked what we'd done over the weekend.

"Oh, we went boating, did some sightseeing, hit the clubs."

"You 'hit the clubs?' "

"Yeah. We were up until 3 in the morning. Had a great time."

The children responded with much eye-rolling and snickering. " 'Hit the clubs.' Right."

We just sat there smiling indulgently at them. If only they knew.

(in reply to DominantJenny)

Post #: 38

RE: Conflicting images... - 6/15/2008 6:24:52 AM

DominantJenny

Posts: 645
Joined: 4/6/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Reigna

Jenny, I hope you won't take this amiss. But from the sound of your posts, you and your sub are fairly isolated where you live. Some of the angst I sense behind your post could possibly be relieved if you had real, live contacts with other people in the scene. Isolation can make you feel alone and crazy, and I hope I'm misreading you when I hear this behind your post.

*snip with nod*
That said, sometimes you really can't avoid answering questions in some fashion. Recently my sub and I went out of town for a weekend, and one of our activities was attending a play party. [Side note: A few of the older, white-haired male doms there were wearing t-shirts printed with the saying, "I'm the nice one." So true!]

We have adolescent children, who on our return politely asked what we'd done over the weekend.

"Oh, we went boating, did some sightseeing, hit the clubs."

"You 'hit the clubs?' "

"Yeah. We were up until 3 in the morning. Had a great time."

The children responded with much eye-rolling and snickering. " 'Hit the clubs.' Right."

We just sat there smiling indulgently at them. If only they knew.

*ponders* Really, I'm pretty content. We explored getting more heavily into the scene, but we didn't have much luck making a lot of contacts that we were interested in pursuing, and I found that centering my life around the kinky community (as I initially and for MANY years did online) just...got tiring after a while. It's hard to explain, but having my sexuality be such a huge part of the connection I made with people just...didn't work for me. I do have several close friends who are either kinky themselves or highly kink friendly. Since finding this place, I again have an outlet for when I DO want to "talk kink", and I'm pretty comfortable with that.
The main problem that I was addressing in this post (as much because I know I'm not the only one to have it) is the issue of feeling deceitful because one is holding back details for various reasons usually involving "they might react badly if they knew" from people one cares about.
See, in your example, I'm already (my UMs are currently about-to-turn-3 and a-month-from-being-born) anticipating how I'm going to handle low-key mentioning of the lifestyle by the time they are in their teens, lest they spend years being afraid they are monsters like I did. I plan ahead like that and I do have plans...don't need advice on that just now...but anyway. I don't like keeping secrets from important people in my life. It's against my nature to hide things. Now, I'm not saying I feel a need to share every minute detail with every important person in my life, but when things DO come up, having to be evasive bothers me.

(in reply to Reigna)

Post #: 39

RE: Conflicting images... - 6/15/2008 7:32:23 AM

Reigna

Posts: 334
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DominantJenny
It's hard to explain, but having my sexuality be such a huge part of the connection I made with people just...didn't work for me. I do have several close friends who are either kinky themselves or highly kink friendly. Since finding this place, I again have an outlet for when I DO want to "talk kink", and I'm pretty comfortable with that.

I completely get that. I used to be fairly active in our local scene, but withdrew after several years left me burned out on it. Nowadays I dip a toe in only VERY occasionally, partly because I don't find this forum to be quite enough. That may be less to do with the forum than with the nature of my relationship; my sub is a crossdresser, firmly in the closet, which in and of itself can cause people to feel very isolated. It certainly did me. In any case, I find that it takes a combination of this forum and a select few savvy, in-person contacts to keep me feeling sane.

< Message edited by Reigna -- 6/15/2008 7:33:41 AM >

(in reply to DominantJenny)

Post #: 40

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