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SylvereApLeanan -> RE: It's Eating Away At Me (6/16/2008 6:33:00 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: pinksugarsub
quote:
A/anyone who discovers evidence of the type described in the Op and fails to take any self-protective measures is IMO a naieve fool.
i couldn't disagree more with Y/yr opinions, Lily and SylvereApLeanan.
pinksugarsub
Why? Because I pointed out there's a problem with her relationship that is MUCH bigger than is reasonable to bring to the Collarchat forums and expect help? Did you actually read what I said, or are you incapable of putting two and two together?
<Ignores insult.> P/pl ask for advice on the boards all the time. i assume T/they may or may not find any response helpful, and act accordingly, using T/their own judgment.
Let me break it down for you:
1. She is snooping in his email.
2. She found something that implies he is cheating.
3. She confronted him in a hysterical fit and threatened to end the marriage.
4. When confronted, he first played dumb and then gave her a lame cock and bull story about a friend playing a practical joke.
I don't think checking his mail was a regular assignment from her Daddy....
What difference does it make whether her Master instructed her to do this or not?
Being a submissive or slave does not equal being an idijit. If i were collared, i'd insist on complete 'transparency' from my Dom; access to all His email, cell phone, and pc info, etc.
i would check it periodically. This is nothing more than sensible, self-protective behavior IMO. (Of course i'd provide Him with 'transparency' on my stuff too...fair is fair.)
IMO, she didn't need 'an assingment from her Daddy' to check His email. It was her right to do so.
Yr opinion may be different. Exchanging POV's is the purpose of the boards.
otherwise he wouldn't have used that email address to set up a profile on a site designed to help people cheat. He would have created another email account someplace like Yahoo or Hotmail.
As other P/pl have pointed out, He may just not be very adroit at sneaking around on the 'net. i am baffled as to why You insist that this factoid from the Op 'proves' anything about matters the Op did not disclose to U/us.
You seem to jump to conclusions and get personally offended when not A/all of U/us join You. This is not a desirable means of communication, IMO.
At what point do you not see there are underlying problems in the relationship that caused her to feel like she needed to snoop in his mail?
At the point when i finished reaing the Op without finding any disclosure about 'underlying problems in the relationship.
i never said anything about what motivated her to 'snoop' as You put it. Don't know, don't care. See my response above re: transparency.
Now that her suspicions have, more than likely, been confirmed, how in the name of all that's holy do you not get that they need professional help -- not a message board -- if they are going to save their marriage?
When did it become the mission of the boards to 'save' A/anyone in real life? All W/we can do is take what's posted at face value and reply with opinions, reasoning and the occassional factoid.
BTW, what is Yr investment in marriage counseling? Why do You feel that couples cannot solve problems on T/their own...or with a clergyman..or in some other manner?
Seems to me Yr guilty of the very 'sin' You accuse me of: insisting You 'know what's best for her' -- in fact insisting You know 'the only viable option' open to her.
How can You 'know' anything about the Op's real life situation, apart from just taking what she's written at face value?
IMO, Ops such as the one on this thread as best responded to with general advice, based on O/one's own experience, that may be of value to the Op or to A/any O/other member.
pinksugarsub
You've completely missed the point. Again.
Most people have an expectation of privacy for their cell phones and personal email accounts, even with spouses and significant others. If you can find a dominant to give you access to all of his communication devices, more power to you. I certainly wouldn't do it and it's damn sure no one's "right" to check my email but me. My fiancè doesn't check my mail and I don't check his. We trust each other. I don't expect my girl to give me her passwords and she doesn't ask for mine. We trust each other. Anyone who demands a partner to give up all of his/her passwords and expects him/her to do it is either crazy or just plain stupid, IMO. YMMV.
If the man in question didn't have an expectation of privacy for his email because he'd given her the assignment of checking his messages, then it hardly seems logical that he would use that same email address to sign up for a cheating personals site. It is far more logical to believe he would have created another address that she didn't know about in order to carry on an affair. If the man is computer literate enough to sign up for a cheaters' dating site, he surely has sufficient wit to figure out how to sign up for Yahoo mail. Therefore, it stands to reason that he did expect privacy.
On the other hand, she was checking his email. Since she didn't state her actions were performed under his direction, this logically suggests that she was checking it behind his back because had reason not to trust him. As it turns out, her reasons are probably valid. At no point did I ever say she was stupid or that she didn't have a good reason to suspect him. However, the fact that she suspected him at all suggests that there are other problems in the relationship that have not been addressed.
If she was suspicious enough that she felt the need to check up on him, and he was dissatisfied to the point he felt the desire to cheat on her, then it is reasonable to believe that the couple is not doing an adequate job of managing their relationship by themselves. Therefore, it is not reasonable to assume they can fix the problems without assistance. She needs help from a professional -- whether that professional is a licensed therapist, clergyman, or divorce attorney isn't relevant. However, my personal bias is to attempt to save the marriage rather than walk out immediately. I don't believe in throwing away a relationship until the couple has exhausted all possible avenues of repair. Hence my statement that she needs a marriage counselor.
FTR, a clergyman is a type of professional marriage counselor. I didn't specify psychologist or licensed clinical social worker. If she and her Daddy choose to see a clergyman or woman, that is certainly a viable option. The point is that she needs more help than Collarchat users can provide. As you pointed out, it is not the mission of the boards to save her marriage, assuming she wants to save it, and bringing her problem here isn't going to solve her problem, regardless. The best we can do is, as you put it, "respond with general advice." She needs a level of help that we can't provide and it would be arrogant of us to believe otherwise. I gave her the best advice I have, and that is to seek help from a professional not a message board.
However, you seem to believe that my advice isn't sound and you disagree with my views. That's fine, however, in your initial post, you failed to state why you don't agree. You still have failed to present adequate evidence to support your views, instead resorting to argumentum ad hominem and, once again, either not reading what I wrote with appropriate care or failing to comprehend what you read. If the issue is lack of comprehension, whether you are incapable of understanding or willfully ignoring it is neither here nor there. In either case, your disagreement, IMO, was and still is based on pink sugar fluff rather than substance.
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