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ORIGINAL: slvemike4u

Yesterday it being Fathers Day i apologised for allowing my toxicity to leak all over this thread...the thread still seems to be going and I am not so worried about leaking..there have been a lot of noble and well meaning post's here extolling the healing power of forgiveness...in most cases I would agree,but it has been my sad experience that there are betrayals that not only don't deserve nor is it healthy to forgive.This is of course my opinion and is not meant to say anyone else's belief system is wrong.it has been said forgiveness and forgetting are two different things....well if You forgive but don't forget where is this grand healing payoff in that...remembering and holding on to is not allways a choice sometimes it is the only option left open to a victim and his best path to healing ,by the simple act of being better than his abuser and breaking the cycle of abuse...which in the long run was all I cared about not forgiving the betrayer...just living up to my responsibility to my own...which I have done and my son will never have to weigh the relative merits of betrayal suffered at the hands of his father....that is all that matters ,my past is buried and not an issue and his future is clear and not clouded by my past

quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

It's definitely going to be a journey, Gwyn; but, I bet you'll be someplace wonderful (physically and emotionally) once all is said and done.

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ORIGINAL: Gwynvyd

quote:

ORIGINAL: slvemike4u

Yesterday it being Fathers Day i apologised for allowing my toxicity to leak all over this thread...the thread still seems to be going and I am not so worried about leaking..there have been a lot of noble and well meaning post's here extolling the healing power of forgiveness...in most cases I would agree,but it has been my sad experience that there are betrayals that not only don't deserve nor is it healthy to forgive.This is of course my opinion and is not meant to say anyone else's belief system is wrong.it has been said forgiveness and forgetting are two different things....well if You forgive but don't forget where is this grand healing payoff in that...remembering and holding on to is not allways a choice sometimes it is the only option left open to a victim and his best path to healing ,by the simple act of being better than his abuser and breaking the cycle of abuse...which in the long run was all I cared about not forgiving the betrayer...just living up to my responsibility to my own...which I have done and my son will never have to weigh the relative merits of betrayal suffered at the hands of his father....that is all that matters ,my past is buried and not an issue and his future is clear and not clouded by my past

I think that it is healing to forgive... the toxic feelings and hurt that is carried around, and the continual feelings of being the victim, or having been a victim remain ( in my opinion ) when I had not forgiven. Mind you I will never forget what has happened. If I were to do that.. just as they say, one who does not learn from history is doomed to repeat it. I would never want those things to happen to anyone.. little alone *again* mind you I am an adult now.. and able to fend for myself.. and fend off most people who would wish to do me harm. It is why when I figure out that I have a negitive influance in my life, I rid myself of that person. I simply do not need that.

Now not forgetting does not mean dwelling apon, or drugeing up every oppertunity either. My ex had that issue. She had "moved on" ~ which included holding hostage anyone who would stand still long enough to hear the horrors of her childhood, her family and intimate details of shit no body ever would want to know about.

At some point no matter how horrific.. you have to let it go, and move on. I think forgiving is one of the first if not The first step in that process of stopping the "being the victim" cycle.

Did I wish my brother and sister ill for what they did to me? You betchya.. for years I did. Hell I willed it. I got my wish... and my life suffered as well. When I chose to let it go, my life improved... and I could see out of the deep hole I was in to help others.


Yes there are monsters... I lived with 2 of them. I was raped on a nightly basis by one, had most of my bones broken, and was continualy posioned and told awful things... toss in my alchie father in there that left us somewheres... but that is at the bottom of the pile. Yes monsters most certainly exist. However healing, grace, fogiveness, and taking back your own life for yourself is always within your grasp.


I hope you find peace with your past, and forgiveness when it is time for it.

Gwyn

quote:

ORIGINAL: cjan

To me, it depends on the degree and seriousness of the betrayal and/or damage done. Imo and experience, some things are unforgivable. That is not to say that nursing resentments is in any way healthy. It's not and is self-destructive.

Sometimes, I've found, that revenge is appropriate and I agree with the Klingons that revenge is a dish best served cold.