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HypnoticDan -> RE: Q : How do you Dominate a steak you're about to grill? (6/18/2008 1:14:57 PM)
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Q:
How do you Dominate a steak you're about to grill?
A:
1) Remove from saran wrap binding (boo hoo, I know)
2) Lovingly tenderize with a hammer.
3) Slowly sharpen the biggest knife you have right next to the meat, then "trim the fat". Caution: Extreme edge play!
4) Cover the wide, flat surface with kosher salt. Let sting for 15 minutes. Flip over and repeat.
5) Water torture: rinse off the salt
6) Order the stake to shut up and hold still. Feel free to give it another tender whack, just to be sure.
7) Get out your sparker and give the meat The Look. Light the barbeque while practicing your best menacing laugh.
8) Make a big show of preheating the grill to ~350 while taunting, debasing, and humiliating the meat. See if you can get it to say the safeword.
9) Find the largest, sharpest motherfucker of a devil pitchfork that you can. Gently pierce the meat, suspend it, and then lower it over the hot coals.
10) luxuriate in the sizzling sound for about 30s, then flip it over and repeat. Both sides should be nicely carmelized.
11) Close the lid for 2 minutes. Have a drink. Tap on the lid and ask if it's dark enough in there. Ask "are you my tasty little treat?"
12) Open the lid. Stab the meat violently. Flip it suddenly. Slam the lid back down for 2 minutes. Taunt the meat about how you are a great big ogre who's going to snap the meat right up and EAT IT. Feel free to belly laugh.
13) Open the lid, stab the meat one more time, and hoist it onto a plate or tray.
14) Look at it's limp form! See how unresponsive it is? Don't you just feel so connected? It's like the meat is off in a better place or something.
15) Garnish, present to family, friends, catholic priest, your spouse, etc.
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