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Some advice please. - 11/2/2005 10:15:31 PM

jesi

Posts: 4
Joined: 8/29/2005
Status: offline

Hello all,
I have been lurking for quite some time just reading posts here, but now I have a dilemma that I would appreciate your help with.
I have been communicating with a Dom for about four months now. Last week we did our first scene together and I thought it went very well. We ended up talking for about two hours after the scene. However now he doesn't talk to me. He hasn't responded to my emails, phone calls, or anything else. I'm not sure if he was just fucking around with me or if I did something wrong. It was my first time to do a scene with anyone and now I feel extremely confused. I've considered that he might be having personal issues in his life but without him commmunicating with me I just don't know. Is it normal for someone to withdraw like this after a scene? Am I reading to much into this or is there definitely something wrong here? I realize it may be difficult to make a judgement call on this without knowing either of us, but I would appreciate any advice you could give.
Jesi

Post #: 1

RE: Some advice please. - 11/2/2005 10:36:37 PM

curvyslavegirl

Posts: 134
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

I had something similarly odd happen to me recently.
I spent two days with a Dom that I met through a friend. Everything seemed amazing.
He called the next day "just to hear my voice" then POOF gone.
Its killing me inside because I feel like I handed myself over to him in a very open and loving way and now I'm questioning what his thinking was/is.

I'm sorry to hear that your first experience ended with someone not following up in the way that he should. you deserve better.
It could be anything...he could be busy, he could be nuts, he could be married ...
Sigh!

I hope that you hear from him and get the explanation and support you should be recieving.

(in reply to jesi)

Post #: 2

RE: Some advice please. - 11/3/2005 1:27:30 AM

mossy

Posts: 189
Joined: 2/21/2005
Status: offline

To know all is to understand all. Ladies this saying may or may not help.... In eleven years i lost count sorry to say....of all the many disappearances. Those Dominants i swore were the One. The scenes that lasted for days. Those breathless phone calls for months on end....only to stop. Never to hear from Him again. As if He never existed.

The most important thing i think i can say....is what i used to do to myself over these lost,
people. Blame, guilt, lowered self-esteem, and self-doubt. When someone walks away? In a manner that is thoughtless and rude? Dare i say cowardly? Why in the world should the other person feel bad about themselves? Yet we do. It should seem so clear to us from the way they chose to walk away, slink, run, hide? It would say enough about them, we would not turn the situation around....and against our own selves, to start searching for how bad and wrong we are. Don't get me wrong, to look inside oneself, is something i always want to do. But as you so beautifully put curvyslavegirl~~when opening oneself up in an honest, real, pure way....to be met with the same in respect would be nice. jmo
sidenote: Just to be the devils advocate for a moment...i have also had the experience of someone coming to me later...with news of an accident, or death in the family...so...
To know all is to understand all...but if they aren't speaking? there can't be understanding.

_____________________________

~~inner peace & mental clarity~~

(in reply to curvyslavegirl)

Post #: 3

RE: Some advice please. - 11/3/2005 4:34:48 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

What the others said, he may be married, just wants casual play, is a user. You need to let it go. There are honest ones out there. Good luck.

(in reply to jesi)

Post #: 4

RE: Some advice please. - 11/3/2005 5:52:00 AM

swtnsparkling

Posts: 1738
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

I'm not sure if he was just fucking around with me

IMO sure was

quote:

or if I did something wrong.

No! and stop thinking you did.

IMOBI- or to say in my own best interests ( and thus far worked for me)
sorry no tests drives here.
i wont engage with any kind of scene, before it is official i am his sub.
Reminds me of that old saying, why buy the cow when the milk is free. Why take on the responsibly of caring for a sub when they can get the fun stuff for nothing.
As far has maybe he is having some sort of hardship or crises, OH Please! it takes what? 60 seconds to email/phone/leave a message especially when they have gotten mails or calls of concern and then know someone is in limbo wondering or worrying what is going on.
If he doesn't have the common courtesy to contact you, stop wasting your valuable time on him and move on. You deserve better

all my best to you

< Message edited by swtnsparkling -- 11/3/2005 6:07:06 AM >

_____________________________

Never make anyone a priority who treats you as an option 2003

Walk in Peace

A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better than a "Yes" uttered merely to please

(in reply to jesi)

Post #: 5

RE: Some advice please. - 11/3/2005 6:00:48 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: jesi
I'm not sure if he was just fucking around with me or if I did something wrong.

Unfortunately he was probably just getting his fun.

quote:

Is it normal for someone to withdraw like this after a scene?

Unfortunately it is common, on both sides of the slash.

quote:

Am I reading to much into this or is there definitely something wrong here?

The wrong thing being this guy not being honest with you about his behavior and expectations.

quote:

I realize it may be difficult to make a judgement call on this without knowing either of us, but I would appreciate any advice you could give.
Jesi

Sorry it happened, it's a common thing, and you can and will move on from it.

(in reply to jesi)

Post #: 6

RE: Some advice please. - 11/3/2005 6:57:39 AM

littleone35

Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline

Don't blame youself it is nothing you did. he sounds like a player to me. I know it is hard but you have to move on find a Dom who want you for you.

littleone

(in reply to jesi)

Post #: 7

RE: Some advice please. - 11/3/2005 8:15:20 AM

RainGod

Posts: 230
Joined: 7/11/2005
From: Hendersonville, NC
Status: offline

I honestly doubt you did anything at all. I recently talked to someone who mentioned someone who sounds alot like the guy you speak of. she referred to him as a "catch and release" Dom.... one merely interested in the thrill of the chase and not very interested in the long run.

It is unfortunate some find it so hard to be honest with others when in persuit. Some see fit to tell you anything you want to hear in order to meet their own ends. I am sorry you had to experience this, but never take it to heart so that you look for blame within. The shame is on him. Not you.

_____________________________

Love is a razor & I walk the line on that silver blade... slept in the dust with His daughter her eyes red with the slaughter of innocence... The evil that men do lives on & on.
~ Iron Maiden

(in reply to jesi)

Post #: 8

RE: Some advice please. - 11/3/2005 8:28:47 AM

plantlady64

Posts: 755
Joined: 5/19/2005
Status: offline

Hello jesi,
I'd like to say my opinion is the same as all who've posted. Who knows the huy was probably just a loser. On the bright side it's better you found out in the beginning and not later.
I'd also like to say welcome to the wonderful world of BDSM. In time you'll find a Master that will help you find your path. You were very brave to try a scene for your first time. I advise you to take from your scene the good things and leave the uncertain issues behind you as you move forward into the kinky person you desire to find inside yourself.
Sincerely,
sub suzanne

(in reply to jesi)

Post #: 9

RE: Some advice please. - 11/3/2005 9:04:41 AM

jesi

Posts: 4
Joined: 8/29/2005
Status: offline

Thank you all for your advice. I do appreciate your honesty. I suppose this is simply life and I will have to accept it and move on.

(in reply to plantlady64)

Post #: 10

RE: Some advice please. - 11/3/2005 10:20:59 AM

lonewolf05

Posts: 830
Joined: 6/21/2005
Status: offline

quote:

If it looks like a duck, sounds like a duck, its probably a duck. I doubt it is any thing you did.
I don't understand why people can't be up front about there what they want in a relationship.

======
because--------most of the time THEY don't really know!

the human is the most bizarre critter ever created.
eats when not hungry
drinks when not thirsty
trys to pro create when the species is not in danger
kills for sport vs hunger
destroys his environment at will for fun

and then ask why something isn't running smooth?

people are people are people.

best idea? chalk it up and move on. if they had-a-clue they woulda spoke to ya.

take care
best wishes
wolf

(in reply to slave4mzpatti)

Post #: 11

RE: Some advice please. - 11/3/2005 12:36:32 PM

anopheles

Posts: 241
Joined: 6/23/2005
Status: offline

Sounds like you ran into a game player. Many interpret Domination into getting what you want, and ignore the flip side of giving the submissive/bottom/slave what they need. Submissives have needs, and they vary. Obviously, this "Dom", (and I use the term loosel), didn't know that you weren't just looking for a couple of days of play, you were looking for more. In the pre-play interview, for lack of a better word, that requirement wasn't expressed. I personally think that it is the Dominant's responsibility to make sure that the expectations are known to both parties. If he/she had done so, then you would have had no reason to start this post, because you would have known that you shouldn't have expected something more, when clearly, there wasn't more than a play session offered to you.

--Anopheles

_____________________________

You've got me so high, my shoes are scraping the sky -- for my Luvdragon

(in reply to lonewolf05)

Post #: 12

RE: Some advice please. - 11/3/2005 12:57:25 PM

BlueAngelSub

Posts: 49
Joined: 8/8/2005
Status: offline

It's called Wham, Bam thank you Ma'am. The player hasn't changed just the game.

(in reply to jesi)

Post #: 13

RE: Some advice please. - 11/3/2005 1:13:36 PM

Tapestry

Posts: 226
Joined: 10/29/2005
Status: offline

Reading this thread has brought all my deepest fears and insecurities in to sharp relief. I shared my first scene with a married man, not realizing what it would do to me, simply thinking this was a new experience I could learn about and enjoy.
Apparently, some people, (i'm sure it isn't just Dominants, but others as well) can do this casually.
Unfortunately for me, (and many others here it seems) we cannot casually give away our very essesnce, our life, our love, our souls and bodies, and then just casually walk away.
I surely do not know what the answer is.
I have been very carefully considering who I speak to or correspond with, in an effort to protect myself. And yet, what scares me about your original post jesi, is that you talked and wrote to this man for 4 months, and still this happened to you.
Why is it that all Dominants cannot understand the vulnerability and need that submissives have? And maybe I shouldn't speak in generalizations like that, but I know I have an endless need for the love, approval, attention, acceptance, touch, security, and protection of my master. The need can be deep enough to be a craving which must be satisfied or I suffer an attack of panic and anxiety which is physically painful.
There's no going back for me, so I will continue in this path, hoping and praying that I choose wisely, and find the one for me, who is as devoted to me as i am to him.
I have no answers for you jesi, just heartfelt comfort, care, understanding, and a warm hug to show you're not alone.

What doesn't kill you WILL make you stronger, I promise.

tapestry

< Message edited by Tapestry -- 11/3/2005 1:18:55 PM >

(in reply to anopheles)

Post #: 14

RE: Some advice please. - 11/3/2005 1:19:04 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Tapestry
Unfortunately for me, (and many others here it seems) we cannot casually give away our very essesnce, our life, our love, our souls and bodies, and then just casually walk away.
I surely do not know what the answer is.

OK well "a first scene" is hardly the same things as "give away your very essence."

It's still not cool to be dumped, or ignored after a special experience together. But doing a scene IS something a lot of us can do casually.

You should slow down and get some perspective.

quote:

Why is it that all Dominants cannot understand the vulnerability and need that submissives have?

Because all dominants are ALL PEOPLE, and just like ordinary vanilla people.

And trust me, subs pull their disappearing acts after first dates too.

quote:

And maybe I shouldn't speak in generalizations like that, but I know I have an endless need for the love, approval, attention, acceptance, touch, security, and protection of my master.

Yeah that's actually not good. Most secure people don't want that sort of needy person, they want a strong self-secure person. Now, a dom can help with you to teach yourself how to be self-secure, but getting into a relationship so you can feed off of them is never positive in the long term.

(in reply to Tapestry)

Post #: 15

RE: Some advice please. - 11/3/2005 1:26:24 PM

anopheles

Posts: 241
Joined: 6/23/2005
Status: offline

Hey Lucky:

Do you think there are folks that REALLY believe that they have this need, or does it just feel like they do. I've seen a lot of profiles and posts that profess to this endless, undying need to just serve, serve, serve and nothing else.

I've never talked to one (never wanted one), have you? And how do they generally interact with other members of the power exchange community? Reason I ask you in particular because you usually have a nifty opinion on such things.

--Anopheles

_____________________________

You've got me so high, my shoes are scraping the sky -- for my Luvdragon

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 16

RE: Some advice please. - 11/3/2005 1:28:37 PM

submissivesilk

Posts: 154
Joined: 1/30/2005
Status: offline

my first scene was not a good experience. He told me after i got back home (about 150 miles away) that i was not the one for him and that he had realized it before the scening ever took place. i was very angry that my first time was wasted on him, but at least he was honest and didn't do the disappearing act. i've had that happen too, and to me it is the worst thing a person can do in any situation.

i don't know why he did that to you, only he knows. All i can do is tell you that it does get better and that there are many good Men out there. Don't let it scare you off. Don't blame yourself, just learn from it and try move on.

Good luck to you and all

silk

(in reply to Tapestry)

Post #: 17

RE: Some advice please. - 11/3/2005 1:32:26 PM

anopheles

Posts: 241
Joined: 6/23/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: submissivesilk

my first scene was not a good experience. He told me after i got back home (about 150 miles away) that i was not the one for him and that he had realized it before the scening ever took place. i was very angry that my first time was wasted on him, but at least he was honest and didn't do the disappearing act. i've had that happen too, and to me it is the worst thing a person can do in any situation.

i don't know why he did that to you, only he knows. All i can do is tell you that it does get better and that there are many good Men out there. Don't let it scare you off. Don't blame yourself, just learn from it and try move on.

Good luck to you and all

silk

I think he did you a disservice. If you weren't the one for him, and he "knew" that beforehand, then he shouldn't have scened with you in the first place. Also sounds like his aftercare was very much lacking, to just blanketly tell you "You weren't the one" and leave it at that, certainly doesn't leave you wanting to be as open minded as us Dominants want subs to be, does it?

--Anopheles

_____________________________

You've got me so high, my shoes are scraping the sky -- for my Luvdragon

(in reply to submissivesilk)

Post #: 18

RE: Some advice please. - 11/3/2005 1:33:10 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: anopheles
I've never talked to one (never wanted one), have you? And how do they generally interact with other members of the power exchange community? Reason I ask you in particular because you usually have a nifty opinion on such things.

--Anopheles

Being "needy" is generally not good. I, unfortunately, have been trained too far on that edge and so I tend to be a little TOO cautious and hard to accept help and ask for it when I need it, for fear of being perceived as "needy."

This is bad because having NEEDS is good, it's normal, it's healthy, it's human.

I am service and control oriented. I am fulfilled by being used and being of use. I have had many discussions with my friends in the past weeks about how there is an emptiness from the lack of focus in serving without being owned. It's been tough for me to stay strong and be ok without that outlet of service for me.

This is where that poly thing helps a lot- other relationships means other outlets...even if it's not quite the right fit, it's helpful.

So yes I do think there are people who truly are oriented to serve and find a great fulfillment in their lives in service.

But being NEEDY about it, or anything, is very negative and draining and not a good basis for a relationship.

(in reply to anopheles)

Post #: 19

RE: Some advice please. - 11/3/2005 1:37:52 PM

submissivesilk

Posts: 154
Joined: 1/30/2005
Status: offline

i don't know how to cut that little block out and post it on my reply, but to anopheles. While i was there, he was very attentive, cooked for me, brought me juice in bed (yes i did spend the night). That is why it was so shocking. Luckily i have met some wonderful Doms since then that have helped me learn and trust again.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 20

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