What Are my Chances?

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

What Are my Chances?

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> What Are my Chances?

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

What Are my Chances? - 6/18/2008 4:44:49 PM

Daddystouch

Posts: 162
Joined: 10/20/2006
From: South East England
Status: offline

So I'm pretty new to the D/s scene. I got into it a bit with my last proper girlfriend but that went sour and I kind of forgot about it, but lately, as I'm sure many of you can identify with, BDSM has been the only thing on my mind. I figure, the chances of the next girl I meet through vanilla channels being into BDSM are relatively slim, the chances of her being into the type of BDSM I am into are even slimmer - and when you consider the relatively slim chances of meeting one and meeting one I like and who likes me anyway... things don't look very promising. It also seems to me that being into BDSM increases the necessary time input to see if a relationship is viable or not: you need to get to know a person well before you can even bring up BDSM in a serious way, and if they're up for trying it (or are even into it already) you've got to start all over again in that context to see if that works. So as I said, vanilla channels aren't looking too great.

With that in mind, I decided to try meeting someone online. I lurk on a couple of BDSM forums and most people seemed to have found their partners that way. Looking around though, I'm not sure how promising this avenue is either. There doesn't seem to be much in my favour:

I'm only 19, yet I identify as a 'daddy dom' - most 'little girls' seem to be looking for older men

I have very little experience - most subs seem to be looking for someone with experience

I'm a male dom - I'd expect there to be far more male subs, but I also expect that female subs (and any other 'types') are far less numerous and thus my chances are dimished by the competition

I'm from the UK, and I don't have a car (it's cheaper to take the train to work, and I won't be able to keep one at university next year anyway) - I suspect it's not too difficult to go and spend a weekend in another states inside the US, but a real life relationship across the Atlantic just isn't going to happen, therefore I am limited to girls in the UK, who don't seem to be too numerous. Not having a car, of course, makes it very expensive to travel long distance within the UK so I'm even more limited.

Despite these obstacles, I assumed that finding a suitable partner would be relatively straightforward and not take all that long. Yet I speak to people who have been looking for years and are yet to find a partner :O I don't fancy that. So... what are my chances?

If anyone has any tips for increasing them, I'm all ears :)

Post #: 1

RE: What Are my Chances? - 6/18/2008 4:48:02 PM

fluffyswitch

Posts: 1108
Joined: 9/29/2007
From: Buffalo
Status: offline

make yourself visable, don't give up, and don't make an ass out of yourself, especially in real life. i was around 19 when i got involved in BDSM and it took almost 4 years to find a sane and steady partner.

_____________________________

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” churchill

the first rule of fluff club is that you don't talk about fluff club!

(in reply to Daddystouch)

Post #: 2

RE: What Are my Chances? - 6/18/2008 4:48:04 PM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Daddystouch
you need to get to know a person well before you can even bring up BDSM in a serious way, and if they're up for trying it (or are even into it already) you've got to start all over again in that context to see if that works.

I'll tackle this part of it. No, I don't do it that way. I bring it up pretty quickly, so I know if there is any chance at all of me being happy. I've spent far too many unhappy years on trying to kink up the vanilla guys; I'd rather know up front if I should cut my losses and move along.

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to Daddystouch)

Post #: 3

RE: What Are my Chances? - 6/18/2008 4:50:48 PM

daddysliloneds

Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline

your chances suck! why? well because you're 19 with little to no experience and are identifying yourself as a dominant, not a top, and, you're looking for an instant relationship...

how about you slow down there dude and look for friends and/or play partners, and work yourself into a relationship instead of working so much on trying to find a relationship.

(in reply to Daddystouch)

Post #: 4

RE: What Are my Chances? - 6/18/2008 4:57:49 PM

unfaithed

Posts: 43
Joined: 5/21/2008
Status: offline

I'm in total agreement with CalifChick: if you really believe it is that important to you, it is something you'll need to introduce ASAP in a relationship. Although I'm only 23, I have found myself in many relationships where everything was perfect - except no BDSM aspect at all. I really need to know there's some Dominant side to my partner, and room for that exploration in the bedroom.

I can't say I really have any tips or tricks for how to find someone easier, but being on here is a step in the right direction, I believe. Even though you may not find someone immediately, I think it helps you to figure out exactly what will and will not work for you in the realm of WIIWD. Being an active participant in the message boards/chatrooms what have you also builds up your confidence a bit, and I think I actually have an easier time speaking with those in the "Vanilla World" about my kink. If it's not what they like, then so be it. No harm done in talking.

(in reply to Daddystouch)

Post #: 5

RE: What Are my Chances? - 6/18/2008 4:58:35 PM

earthycouple

Posts: 4462
Joined: 2/19/2006
Status: offline

You may also want to think about what you CAN accomplish....like finding a casual play partner to explore with you. I'm guessing there are going to be plenty of kinky chicks at university....you need to slow down, relax, and let the chips fall where they may when you meet women. You may find yourself quite suprised at how many girls around you are interested in more than just sex or more than just a "typical" relationship...but unless you take it easy and explore and learn together you are screwed.

_____________________________

D~

Seeking, searching, hoping, living, loving, jumping. So what's new with you?

(in reply to daddysliloneds)

Post #: 6

RE: What Are my Chances? - 6/18/2008 4:59:48 PM

faerytattoodgirl

Posts: 5824
Status: offline

your chances are slim because you are 19...wait a couple of years...get more experience....there are plenty of bdsm clubs in the uk..infact likely alot more there than in the usa. yes thats just a guess...but bdsm is HUGE there.

the freak has spoken! fear me!

_____________________________

I did not reply to your cmail.

I am flawed.

Imperfect.

MUST SPANK!!!

SPAAAAAAAANK!!!

(in reply to daddysliloneds)

Post #: 7

RE: What Are my Chances? - 6/18/2008 5:06:07 PM

agoodgirl4Daddy

Posts: 336
Joined: 10/25/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Daddystouch

So I'm pretty new to the D/s scene. I got into it a bit with my last proper girlfriend but that went sour and I kind of forgot about it, but lately, as I'm sure many of you can identify with, BDSM has been the only thing on my mind. I figure, the chances of the next girl I meet through vanilla channels being into BDSM are relatively slim, the chances of her being into the type of BDSM I am into are even slimmer - and when you consider the relatively slim chances of meeting one and meeting one I like and who likes me anyway... things don't look very promising. It also seems to me that being into BDSM increases the necessary time input to see if a relationship is viable or not: you need to get to know a person well before you can even bring up BDSM in a serious way, and if they're up for trying it (or are even into it already) you've got to start all over again in that context to see if that works. So as I said, vanilla channels aren't looking too great.

These are my opinions, so don't take 'em as gospel: Why not get involved with women you already know are interested in BDSM? I am in the US, and there are tons of BDSM groups in the community (not just online sites, like this one, alt.com, and bondage.com). Have you considered going to real time events, munches, parties, etc. Just get to know people in the BDSM lifestyle, and try not to focus on finding a "girl" for yourself.

With that in mind, I decided to try meeting someone online. I lurk on a couple of BDSM forums and most people seemed to have found their partners that way. Looking around though, I'm not sure how promising this avenue is either. There doesn't seem to be much in my favour:

I'm only 19, yet I identify as a 'daddy dom' - most 'little girls' seem to be looking for older men

You will get older, and not every 'little girl' is older than you and/or looking for someone older.

I have very little experience - most subs seem to be looking for someone with experience

You can get experience by attending real time socials and meeting casual play partners. You can even find a real time mentor to help you gain experience. Some girls would delight in being able to mold you into her perfect Daddy. ;o)

I'm a male dom - I'd expect there to be far more male subs, but I also expect that female subs (and any other 'types') are far less numerous and thus my chances are dimished by the competition

Well, I am a female bottom (Daddy's girl - though not into age play) who finds the pool of eligible Daddy Dominants (male or female) is pretty shallow! I really don't think the number of Daddy Dominants will ever surpass female submissives (that is my perspective from having been part of real time BDSM communities for several years).

I'm from the UK, and I don't have a car (it's cheaper to take the train to work, and I won't be able to keep one at university next year anyway) - I suspect it's not too difficult to go and spend a weekend in another states inside the US, but a real life relationship across the Atlantic just isn't going to happen, therefore I am limited to girls in the UK, who don't seem to be too numerous. Not having a car, of course, makes it very expensive to travel long distance within the UK so I'm even more limited.

Again, you're rushing. There may be a real time community very close to the University.

Despite these obstacles, I assumed that finding a suitable partner would be relatively straightforward and not take all that long. Yet I speak to people who have been looking for years and are yet to find a partner :O I don't fancy that. So... what are my chances?

I doubt anyone can give you the actual statistics! Staying positive, and stopping the intensive search may help. My friends keep telling me to stop looking so hard..and my Daddy will find me.

If anyone has any tips for increasing them, I'm all ears :)

Relaxxx....focus on gaining the skills you need to be the best Daddy Dominant you can be....find community.....and study at the University, because soon you will be a professional male and what could possibly attract certain girls more than an intelligent, competent, and successful Daddy.

_____________________________

~We do not see things as they are - we see them as we are.~ Anais Nin

(in reply to Daddystouch)

Post #: 8

RE: What Are my Chances? - 6/18/2008 5:09:49 PM

SirDragon1961

Posts: 31
Joined: 2/14/2008
Status: offline

He dips His lid:

Find a local group, go there, introduce yourself and acknowledge your experience to the organiser and make friends! The most important thing in Lifestyle are friends- without them you have no support- emotionally or intellectually. Learn from your new-found friends and learn from here- both are equally important (in my opinion).

Cyber advice is just that- advice that is flying in from the cosmos- from well directed to aimless- an inexperienced navigator (as yourself) has no skill to determine this.

Relationships happen in real-time, everything else is just toooo twwwrrruuuu to be true. Meet other Doms and observe their play.

Warm wishes. SirDragon

(in reply to daddysliloneds)

Post #: 9

RE: What Are my Chances? - 6/18/2008 5:12:24 PM

ToOwnATrueSlave

Posts: 262
Joined: 5/16/2008
Status: offline

My advice is to take a step back and just enjoy learning as much as you can about this exciting lifestyle we all want so badly. I have been interested in and learning about this life sence I was about 13 and have taken many brakes sence I was 18 because I expected to find my "perfict slave" right away... Im now 25 and just found here and eagerly await her arival in the next 2 weeks to start our lives. My point is that if you try to move to fast you will get burned out and give up on what you really want.

(in reply to faerytattoodgirl)

Post #: 10

RE: What Are my Chances? - 6/18/2008 5:35:52 PM

Daddystouch

Posts: 162
Joined: 10/20/2006
From: South East England
Status: offline

Thanks for the advice all. Thinking about it I do agree that it might be a good idea to bring BDSM up early in vanilla relationships. I'm sure most girls wouldn't mind a bit of scening, it's more the "I'd like you to call me Daddy and be submissive to me pretty much 24/7" that I think won't go down too well

But I see that it's better to filter out the ones who aren't in to it and move on, so cross that off the list :)

quote:

ORIGINAL: daddysliloneds

your chances suck! why? well because you're 19 with little to no experience and are identifying yourself as a dominant, not a top, and, you're looking for an instant relationship...

how about you slow down there dude and look for friends and/or play partners, and work yourself into a relationship instead of working so much on trying to find a relationship.

*shrugs* I don't like the word. I say so in my profile. Top? Dom? ...whatever, if I could I wouldn't call myself anything, but I've got to use a word sometimes. I just use the most common one I come across. I don't like the word dom because it sounds to me like dom as in domineering. But neither do I like the word top as it implies superiority. I don't consider myself better than or above any sub, just different.

I'm certainly looking for friends also, but I haven't had any problem making (digital) friends, so I didn't feel the need to mention it. Having said that, none of them are in the UK, let alone real life so I suppose I am having trouble with that also! If all my kinked friends are two thousand miles away, there's not much chance of one of those friendships developing into a relationship. Friendship is great, don't get me wrong, but I also want a relationship.

As for random play, it doesn't interest me to be honest. I'm surprised that this seems to be considered a bad thing, I would have thought that fact that it is the connection and relationship I desire, as opposed to the physical actions, would be seen as positive... I know a lot of people enjoy playing like that and I don't think there's anything wrong with that at all, but for me I just wouldn't get a kick out of playing with someone with whom I don't have a very special connection i.e. am romantically invovled with, as opposed to a stranger or acquantance. Of course, never having been to such a thing I may well not understand them but I'm fairly sure I wouldn't enjoy it...

I see what many of you have said about going to real life events to gain experience. Before I go on, I'd ask another question though: when you say 'experience', what kind of experience do you mean? When I say I don't have much experience, I mean that the 24/7 part of my last (and only) BDSM relationship was short, and thus I have little expereince of it. Perhaps I'm wrong, but I'd have thought people would be much less interested in how well I can swing a flogger or how many knots I can tie, and a lot more interested in my more general experience of D/s? And I'd assume that it is the former that I would learn at play parties, and it's certainly the aspect of BDSM that I find less important. So... would random play really give me the kind of experience I need?

Moving on though, I have to admit that I'd not be comfortable going to a real life BDSM event. I can't stand vanilla nightclubs as it is! And, whilst I'd say I do fair enough on dates and the like, large groups of new people (like a munch) and me do not mix, I fear. "Cry me a river" etc... I suppose I could suck it up and give it a go, I just wouldn't be optimistic about the impression I would give or the benefits I would reap when I'm deeply uncomfortable there.

I am on another BDSM personals site, and there's a few more I'll be signing up to. I hang out in the Daddy/little girl chatroom here whenever I can so I am doing something... I'll try and be active on these forums as well, if I can find anything to say. Obviously, with little experience I may well end up talking out of my arse ;)

A lot of people are saying slow down and I get that, but I'm sure you can understand that, well, when you want something really bad you want to go get it... I can't imagine having a long-term vanilla relationship, and I don't relish being single for years to come...

< Message edited by Daddystouch -- 6/18/2008 5:39:15 PM >

(in reply to daddysliloneds)

Post #: 11

RE: What Are my Chances? - 6/18/2008 5:36:21 PM

Usako

Posts: 697
Joined: 7/29/2006
From: NYC
Status: offline

Your chances are what you make of them, simple as that. What you do, who you talk to and what roads you take. There is no right or wrong way thankfully. Trial and error and all that jazz.

I, personally, don't see your age as a problem. It's all in your mentality. I know for myself, I have no problem with calling a guy near my age Daddy and I'm sure there are others that feel the same, just like there are others who don't.

There is no answer! It's your life, do what you want and learn the way you want. Etc, etc, etc.

(in reply to ToOwnATrueSlave)

Post #: 12

RE: What Are my Chances? - 6/18/2008 5:38:25 PM

MrSpectacular

Posts: 1153
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

Sounds like you have everything going for you! It all up to you.

N

_____________________________

Yes I am Spectacular and they are real!

(in reply to Usako)

Post #: 13

RE: What Are my Chances? - 6/18/2008 5:38:30 PM

fluffyswitch

Posts: 1108
Joined: 9/29/2007
From: Buffalo
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Daddystouch

Moving on though, I have to admit that I'd not be comfortable going to a real life BDSM event. I can't stand vanilla nightclubs as it is! And, whilst I'd say I do fair enough on dates and the like, large groups of new people (like a munch) and me do not mix, I fear. "Cry me a river" etc... I suppose I could suck it up and give it a go, I just wouldn't be optimistic about the impression I would give or the benefits I would reap when I'm deeply uncomfortable there.

i'm much the same way and benefited most (and still do) from being able to find smaller groups of people who are willing to talk to me or just let me hang out with them (i learn a lot just by watching people interact with each other). is there any one that you think would slowly start introducing you to people?

_____________________________

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” churchill

the first rule of fluff club is that you don't talk about fluff club!

(in reply to Daddystouch)

Post #: 14

RE: What Are my Chances? - 6/18/2008 5:44:51 PM

Stusmobile

Posts: 145
Joined: 5/26/2008
From: No fixed abode
Status: offline

Stop putting so much pressure on yourself ....

The chances of you finding the one, the two or the ten you think you want are almost non existent right now. Thats not because they aren't out there, they are, but you need to know you way better and be comfortable with who you are. Enjoy yourself, whether that be munches, cyber, vanilla or whatever .... do the things that you enjoy and are interested in.

At some point someone, somewhere will click with you and it'll probably be the person you least expect it from ..... until it happens explore, learn, smile, laugh and cry ... it's called life, live it.

_____________________________

Goethe: "Whatever you do, or dream you can do, begin it - boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now."

EmlyKate is mine and I wouldn't wish for anything else.

(in reply to Daddystouch)

Post #: 15

RE: What Are my Chances? - 6/18/2008 5:45:30 PM

ProtagonistLily

Posts: 1222
Joined: 12/27/2004
Status: offline

I'm not sure if there are any 'age' restrictions in the UK, but if you can attend a local group or munch, I'd highly recommend it. This is where you will gain access to education, opinion, mentorship and experience. I'd suggest you meet people, and find another dominant you can be friends with and relate to, who you can use as a mentor.

Be open to being open and let yourself learn all you can.

PL

_____________________________

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"
~Dr. Seuss~

(in reply to Daddystouch)

Post #: 16

RE: What Are my Chances? - 6/18/2008 6:00:35 PM

charlotteS

Posts: 203
Joined: 3/9/2008
Status: offline

I think you sound like an honest, articulate and interesting guy. It's true that your age will play against you with some but those are people you probably wouldn't want to hang around anyway.

I don't want to come across as though I'm saying to slow down because you're young or inexperienced. Seriously I never understand the advice to "wait until you're older, you can't know what you want at the age of 19." How do people ever figure out what they except by trying things? So I won't say slow down I'll just suggest being open. You obviously have an attraction to the Daddy/daughter thing and a 24/7 dynamic. Great! You're already self-aware enough to recognize what gets you going. Just try to approach everything with curiosity and an open mind. I remember when I first discovered BDSM I immediately said......"No I'm not submissive, just interested in spanking, kidnap and rape play." Then later I started to say "I'm submissive but slave?!? Muah!? NEVER!!" Hehe...now I am a 24/7 slave living with a man who gives me very little leeway.

The advice to bring up the D/s stuff early in a relationship is good but I would suggest keeping in mind that D/s is only fun with someone you like and what I said earlier about interests and likes changing over time. Telling someone I want to you always call me Daddy and do what I say 24/7 might scare a lovely girl off while starting out by explaining that you'd like to spend a night with a role-play and see what you both think could lead to a learning experience for both of you. Maybe you'll find YOU don't like it as much as you fantasized you will or maybe she'll find that by not being forced into it she actually kind of likes the idea more than she thought she would.

I am rambling. I'm trying to just say to get out there and explore. Don't focus on finding something that is set in stone right away. Have fun, take informed risks, try new things that you think you might not like and stay positive. My belief is that the more you focus on exploring things for yourself and finding things that you find enjoyable the more likely you'll come across someone who shares your desires.

Best of luck,

charlotte

_____________________________

"When you are your freest self, who are you?" Jack Rinella

(in reply to ProtagonistLily)

Post #: 17

RE: What Are my Chances? - 6/18/2008 6:12:35 PM

aftrshock

Posts: 17
Joined: 12/2/2007
Status: offline

I see the poster above was a fan of The Prophet. interesting read.

Like so many people here are saying, your age will play against you. Including the fact that you have no experience, you're already limiting yourself.

My advice to you is this; you will make mistakes in all relationships. Fuck it! Learn, have fun. find someone you have some chemistry with who's up for abuse. I myself have had several occasions of having a female swoon over me. is she exactly what I want? Not yet. Is she the hottest girl alive? Nope. Is she an amazing slave? not even close.

Life comes from living, otherwise you're just wasting time.

We all make mistakes; the most painful will serve as life minders. Get busy!

(in reply to charlotteS)

Post #: 18

RE: What Are my Chances? - 6/18/2008 6:21:42 PM

Huntertn

Posts: 715
Joined: 10/7/2006
Status: offline

take a long look in your area...use the internet and you can find people you age..and I'll make a bet you can find them..I did..and did it without the net in the late 70's.hell Man trust me its out there and so are the people..just remember they will want to know about you first before they extend their hand..so get out there and look..and it takes some time..lol..what the fuck times on your side at your age

(in reply to aftrshock)

Post #: 19

RE: What Are my Chances? - 6/18/2008 7:47:34 PM

crouchingtigress

Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline

sage advice....

_____________________________

Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."

(in reply to SirDragon1961)

Post #: 20

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> What Are my Chances?

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.172