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Starting Slow...Why is this a problem? - 11/3/2005 12:37:48 PM

honestboy4U

Posts: 1
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline

I have a question about this whole forum and I'm curious to get a Dominant's view on the matter.

It seems to me that the majority of the Dommes on this site want an instant slave. Just add water and poof! She has a slave at Her feet. It seems like most Domme's have been burned by fakes and players too many times, and wasted too much of their own time in the processs, to want to take the time to get to know someone at this point.

I understand the frustration, I really do, but do any of the submissives on this site really just up and leave their life behind the same day they meet some Mistress online and become Hers? That seems to be the expectation of a lot of the Domme's I've chatted with. Not all, not by any means. I've met some wonderful, thoughtful Dommes willing to give me some of their time and I'm continually grateful for that.

The dilema I face is that I'm not ready to jump in 100%. I'm a novice. I sense a need for this life inside me. I want to embrace it. I actually think that once I start down the right path, it will swallow me up quickly and I will be much happier for it, but the word "novice" is like poison on this site. Many suggest I get some experience with a pro-domme. I'm sorry, but paying someone to "dominate" me is fantasy, fetish, not life. I want the real life part of this world, but I'm having a great deal of trouble finding someone who will be patient with me. I think I'm worth it, I think I'll be as true a slave as is possible. I want to devote my life to a Woman and serve Her every want, need and desire. I'm just not finding many Dommes who are willing to nurture this need.

I'm curious if other subs feel the same way. I'm curious what some of the Dommes think about my problem and what I can do to take my next steps? How do I find a Domme willing to go slowly with me?

Post #: 1

RE: Starting Slow...Why is this a problem? - 11/3/2005 1:21:28 PM

lonewolf05

Posts: 830
Joined: 6/21/2005
Status: offline

but do any of the submissives on this site really just up and leave their life behind the same day they meet some Mistress online and become Hers?
=======

"I" did........but then "I" am THEE exception. "I" have no fears........i know what i can and cannot do in this world.........and i have yet to find 1 female that can "best me".......
i have been from calif to the east coast..........down south and back up north.......

i put in OVER 10,000 miles........looking.

and i am delightfully happy where i am.
----

I'm curious if other subs feel the same way. I'm curious what some of the Dommes think about my problem and what I can do to take my next steps? How do I find a Domme willing to go slowly with me?
====
yes you will find Ladies that will go s l o w for you.

good luck

< Message edited by lonewolf05 -- 11/3/2005 1:23:07 PM >

(in reply to honestboy4U)

Post #: 2

RE: Starting Slow...Why is this a problem? - 11/3/2005 1:28:23 PM

theRose4U

Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline

Well for starters I would not list yourself as a slave right off the bat...this is a position that is earned & assumed that you are collared to someone. That as well as mention of being slave but holding back kind of makes you look desperate for a collar (big turn off). The first part about being real etc also kind of icky.

A Domme wants to hear what you can offer in the form of service and I at least want to know why you are worthy of my time. My boy I am working with now is also a novice and teaching him takes a lot more time than previous subs I've had, one big reason not many do it. A good Domme trains each sub to her desires but having one that understands acceptable behavior, protocol, manners makes that process a lot easier. A novice is a blank slate that needs to be groomed and unfortunatly for you too many horney net guys (HNG's) have a short profile that says novice let me serve you...this is one reason you are getting a cold reception.

You seem to be articulate, use this to your best advantage when presenting yourself to a Domme. Be respectful, check your spelling, and for pete's sake don't cowtoe or grovel. Also just my .02 & no offense to other Ladies...I don't want to hear that ALL women are superior just your mistress deserves that honor. If my boy ever cowtoed to another just because she was female, he would be in HUGE trouble.

Online use manners Sir or Ma'am unless told otherwise & then ALWAYS use that name for them. The biggest is be nice. Don't beg, kiss feet or assume that it's ok to lay at their feet unless told otherwise. Read books, websites, and learn skills that are useful...massage & manicures immediately come to mind. When you feel more confident attend a munch. If you meet a Domme from online use the same common sense you would for any other net meeting...in public with safety calls so someone knows where you are (yes it's ok to just call it a date & not out yourself to friends).

Finding the Domme for you will take time and patience. In the mean time make sure to educate yourself to be pleasing and willing for when she arrives you will know in your soul.

(in reply to honestboy4U)

Post #: 3

RE: Starting Slow...Why is this a problem? - 11/3/2005 1:29:09 PM

GoddessDustyGold

Posts: 2822
Joined: 4/11/2004
From: Arizona
Status: offline

I'm not sure who you have been contacting, so I would sugggest you hang around these boards and read. Maybe even participate a bit. I don't know of any Dominas who want a boy to come to them the next day. I am sure there are some, but I don't know them or know of them. And you are making it clear in your profile that you are not quite ready to commit to complete slavery.
Even boys who claim they are, and state they have experience seldom get past My requirements. You are right to take your time, and you should not respond to pressure from any Lady who is willing ot take you into her household in 24 hours.
I might require a personal meeting more quickly than some, but that doesn't mean you are going to move in the next day. And remember that being submissive or slave doesn't mean you get to play all the time. There is a lot of dedication and simple non-sexual service.
Go to some munches or meetings in your area. Don't rely strictly on online to meet someone. It takes a lot of time and a lot of patience. The Ladies who want you instantly are probably not the right match for you.

_____________________________

Dusty
They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety
B Franklin
Don't blame Me ~ I didn't vote for either of them
The Hidden Kingdom

(in reply to honestboy4U)

Post #: 4

RE: Starting Slow...Why is this a problem? - 11/3/2005 2:07:30 PM

lonewolf05

Posts: 830
Joined: 6/21/2005
Status: offline

quote:

The Ladies who want you instantly are probably not the right match for you.

------

i have-to--------------agree. as much as it burns my butt.

wolf

(in reply to GoddessDustyGold)

Post #: 5

RE: Starting Slow...Why is this a problem? - 11/3/2005 2:18:23 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

I am not sure who you've been contacting, either! I have been contacted by many men whose intro line to me is "Are you looking for a live in?" Well NO, I am not, thanks for asking!

I don't see that starting slowly is a problem. I am very clear that I am NOT interested in newbies, because I am not in that zone of patience that you need in order to start someone off right. Be very clear and honest about what you want, what you think you need, and what you are interested in. Semantics are a tricky issue, and "slave" means different things to different people. If you're not into 24/7 service (which does not necessarily mean that you live with the domme) then don't say that you want to be. At this point, how could you be sure, anyway?

Don't let anyone rush you into anything. There are so many possible experiences, feel free to experiment and find out what works for you.

Ms F

(in reply to lonewolf05)

Post #: 6

RE: Starting Slow...Why is this a problem? - 11/3/2005 2:39:18 PM

Sylverdawn

Posts: 1123
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

I have to agree with the general consensus. Most men that have contacted me are like.. ok when do you want me there!!! when do I want you here.."darlin I dont even know your first name!" I have been told that I want to analysis them.. when I wont discuss *training* techniques with them. I checked with other rt male submissives to do the whole translation thing from maneese to English which apparently means he wants jerk off material for later. I took down my profile because honestly I just couldn't be bothered after awhile. I still get the occasional message of enquiry and I always ask why are you posting me only once did it occur as a result of something I had written on the message boards. Mostly its just a mass missive cast out like a fishing net to see what he can troll in.

I personally relish the time of acquantaince: of getting to know someone before the fact that they leave the top of toothpaste, eat way to much garlic with their spagetti and find toliet humor funny makes me wonder if indeed men are human at all or just some weird genetic experiment or joke on us women. Please dont misunderstand me I adore men to a fault but y'all are just plain wired differently than the rest of the world.

The sign of a responsbile partner is the time they are willing to invest in you. Dominants and subs need that time because once that collar is on there isnt a whole lot of room for oophs I didnt it again I played with your heart got lost in the game oooh baby baby.. I call it the spears collar... you know the bubblegum version of bdsm. Collars should be like blue chip stock.. dependenable, stable and slow growing.. Just my humble opinion.

_____________________________

“When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.” Elyane Boosler

Being a women is hard work Maya Angelou

(in reply to honestboy4U)

Post #: 7

RE: Starting Slow...Why is this a problem? - 11/3/2005 3:26:07 PM

anthrosub

Posts: 843
Joined: 6/2/2004
Status: offline

I have to add there are many "Dommes" on this site who, just by picking a clever User ID and posting themselves as Dominant, consider themselves...well...Dommes. Because they went "poof" and made themselves instant Dommes in their own mind, perhaps it's some of these folks you've been in contact with who have the same expectation of a sub/slave. Maybe not but they're clearly out there in large numbers for a variety of reasons (mostly money). In addition, I seriously question any profile where the person is under the age of 25 and considers herself a seasoned veteran. As in any situation there are always exceptions.

An accomplished Dominant will almost certainly approach the situation as you're expecting...but they are very rare and by definition, likely will have several subs/slaves already at their fingertips (of course, there are exceptions to this too, but they are even more infrequent). That's just the way it is.

anthrosub

< Message edited by anthrosub -- 11/3/2005 4:45:27 PM >

_____________________________

"It is easier to fool people than it is to convince them they have been fooled." - Mark Twain

"I am not young enough to know everything." - Oscar Wilde

(in reply to Sylverdawn)

Post #: 8

RE: Starting Slow...Why is this a problem? - 11/3/2005 3:46:38 PM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

In my case, most of the Dominants (in this forum) want just the opposite.

Ron

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to honestboy4U)

Post #: 9

RE: Starting Slow...Why is this a problem? - 11/3/2005 4:30:40 PM

Oumae

Posts: 911
Joined: 1/4/2005
Status: offline

I certainly have no wish to move someone in within 24 hours, it would take a long time before getting to that stage and those who mail me wanting to be mine straight off get told no thanks. Besides me wanting to get to know them I think they should want to get to know me, I want submission offered to me not to a "Domme".

I have advised some that maybe what they need is a ProDomme as their approach has been the I want to experience play, you're a Domme, give it to me one and I won't be used that way.

Oumae

_____________________________

Is cuma le fear na mbrog ca leagann se a chos.
( The man with the boots does not mind where he places his foot)

(in reply to honestboy4U)

Post #: 10

RE: Starting Slow...Why is this a problem? - 11/3/2005 4:35:50 PM

LadyAngelika

Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline

Instant slaves creep the hell out of me. I figure if they are willing to hand it all over after seeing a picture of my legs, they really are out of touch with reality. Either that, or they think that is what I want to hear so that they can get it on with me.

I’ve actually turned down most men because they were too submissive too fast.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to honestboy4U)

Post #: 11

RE: Starting Slow...Why is this a problem? - 11/3/2005 5:39:40 PM

MstrssPassion

Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline

I am sure you have gathered by now that there is a very different crowd on the forums side of the site as opposed to the profiles side. Persons that post are often much more in tune with this being much more than kinky playtime. Most have been involved in some manner of power exchange with a real time partner & are not just living a lifestyle via their keyboards.

As to insta-doms & insta-subs... well they burn in a blaze of glory, here today gone tomorrow (or most likely changed their screen name). I do not see how anyone is able to make a decision to partner up with anyone for a live-in situation without proper investigation. Jumping in like this is most likely the major leading reason for divorce in most cases & why so many bitter resentful people in the lifestyle rant about abusive dominants & greedy submissives that top from the bottom.

Follow your instincts. Take time to investigate potential partners. Never feel pressured into make life changing decisions.

I decided I wanted a relationship for a lifetime & I took the steps I felt would assure this & I am in a wonderful relationship currently. We talked as friends for many months & dated for several more. We held off playing for the first time until after we knew we were definitely heading toward 24/7. We have been living together for over a year now & are planning to have a commitment ceremony this coming spring.

Not every potential partner needs to be pursued in this manner. If you just want to have a play partner, obviously this would not be necessary, so keep that in mind... are these people who want this instant submissive someone who is really considering the depth of a long term relationship or are they just wanting to reach out a touch/spank someone??!!

_____________________________

MstrssPassion

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

Post #: 12

RE: Starting Slow...Why is this a problem? - 11/3/2005 6:15:11 PM

subgab

Posts: 6
Joined: 1/21/2005
Status: offline

Well just take it easy and i hope you will find a Domme that will respect your needs. If not the hell with it.

(in reply to honestboy4U)

Post #: 13

RE: Starting Slow...Why is this a problem? - 11/3/2005 7:26:57 PM

Misstoyou

Posts: 1149
Joined: 9/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika

Instant slaves creep the hell out of me.

Agreed.

I personally gravitate much more to men who self-identify as "submissive" and not "slave" for a number of reasons, not the least of which is I am not looking for 24/7. I continually have to tell guys I *don't* encourage them to "just up and leave their life behind," no matter how enthusiastically they offer in their first message. lol

On the other hand, I have no problem with newbie subs so long as they have had *some* physical experience, so that their service and submission isn't all in their heads. I enjoy the look on my submissive's face after taking him places he hasn't been before.

_____________________________

~ Miss Marie

a.k.a. "mean Lady"

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

Post #: 14

RE: Starting Slow...Why is this a problem? - 11/3/2005 8:29:17 PM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeelllllllll now
there are things in life that defeat us all.

the new users button at the outset seems like a reasonable idea.

well many times thats an invitation to mess with you all.

And by god that is a surety.

But when you knock around this a little while and the onslought has subsided you can come out to this side and talk to reasonable (even if they vociferously disagree with your balues and opinions and viewpoints)
but in my experience after about a month you can be reasonable on here and waltz the waltz.

Ron

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to Misstoyou)

Post #: 15

RE: Starting Slow...Why is this a problem? - 11/4/2005 8:13:55 AM

Nuke718

Posts: 240
Joined: 8/2/2005
Status: offline

The nature of any online dating sit (which face it the profiles kind of are) is that there is a break between fantasy and reality at some peoples keyboards.

Can two people be completely compatible, and know it withn a day? Sure it is possible, but unlikely. If you think a Domme is out of touch with what you need, feel free to say "No thank you" and move on. This is not limited to her personal time table.

Heck I know experienced players, who even know each other and move in the same circles, that start out slowly when they finally get involved.

So, keep lookin for a good fit for you. And I truely wish you good luck!

N }:-

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 16

RE: Starting Slow...Why is this a problem? - 11/4/2005 8:30:44 AM

MHOO314

Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

I find this quite interesting as I find the very same thing from submissives--after an initial email, then an IM they are ready to be proclaimed--with no appreciation that people--even Dominants have vanilla lives that need to be tended to as well as taking the time to really see if there is even a match of the basics-- and when I personally refuse to take or give a phone call immediately, I am looked upon as a fake---smiles-- so no you are not alone and taking it slow is a perfect way to learn AND be safe--but it is indeed to each preference---

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor

(in reply to lonewolf05)

Post #: 17

RE: Starting Slow...Why is this a problem? - 11/4/2005 9:30:10 AM

addcted2it

Posts: 78
Joined: 10/28/2004
From: Sonoma County, California, USA
Status: offline

Instant slave as opposed to submissive? Well, there are some who would say argue this point. My definition of a slave is one who has no choice. A submissive OTOH, HAS a choice. Assuming that is is true, then one who professses to be a slave, even though he or she has had experience, that experence in your opinion is not relevant? Am I missing something here? Or is this just a backlash from those dom/dommes who have had bad experiences from those who indentify themselves as slaves?

- Phil

_____________________________

Submission is not an excuse to abuse.
Life is short! Live it to the fullest!

(in reply to Misstoyou)

Post #: 18

RE: Starting Slow...Why is this a problem? - 11/4/2005 7:08:38 PM

mymojo

Posts: 1
Joined: 8/18/2005
Status: offline

you read my mind word for word brother, i have been ''domme hunting' on collarme for quite a long time and rarely get much of a response at all. my own answer to this dilema was that all the dommes were satisfied with what they had and why should they take the time and spend the effort to train a novice. even though i think im worth the time doesnt mean they are going to see it in the same light. but i know in my heart how willing and eager i am and until i find someone who will allow me to be in their presence i will be the only one who knows.......

(in reply to honestboy4U)

Post #: 19

RE: Starting Slow...Why is this a problem? - 11/4/2005 8:10:33 PM

Misstoyou

Posts: 1149
Joined: 9/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: addcted2it

Instant slave as opposed to submissive? Well, there are some who would say argue this point. My definition of a slave is one who has no choice. A submissive OTOH, HAS a choice. Assuming that is is true, then one who professses to be a slave, even though he or she has had experience, that experence in your opinion is not relevant? Am I missing something here? Or is this just a backlash from those dom/dommes who have had bad experiences from those who indentify themselves as slaves?

- Phil

Hi Phil,

Nice to see somebody from our half of the state. We seem to be outnumbered here.

Anyway, the OP commented that "the majority of the Dommes on this site want an instant slave." My experience is the opposite, and in my personal experience, men who identify as "slave" are more likely to request instant 24/7, than men who identify as submissive. And since I am *not* looking for 24/7, those men obviously wouldn't be a good match for me.

I value experience as much as the next person, but while the nature and extent of a man's experience in the lifestyle is important, (and I prefer experience) it's not the only criteria for my choice.

It's been a long week, and my mind's still on my grades that are due on Monday. So I won't be insulted if you tell me I'm still unclear. lol

_____________________________

~ Miss Marie

a.k.a. "mean Lady"

(in reply to addcted2it)

Post #: 20

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