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Was I Wrong - 6/20/2008 1:23:28 PM   
subinlife


Posts: 263
Joined: 5/20/2008
Status: offline 		I am very new to this lifestyle. There is a Dom who has agreed to teach me about this lifestyle. I recently got hurt trying to please him. I sent Him a message that I needed time to heal and wanted to take a break. He had told me in the past, that I only answer to myself, as I am not His sub. I told Him in an e-mail that I was stepping back until I healed. He is now upset with me, because I didn't talk to Him about it first. So was I wrong? Any advice will be greatly appreciated.
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RE: Was I Wrong - 6/20/2008 1:28:53 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Well you're wrong in that you think the best thing to do when there's a relationship issue is burrow down and run away.

You're wrong to get into any sort of commitment with a single person so quickly (or if not wrong, taking a very risky chance unnecessarily)

I'd be upset if someone I'd gotten to know got upset about something between us and just said "I've gotta go"  That's not a relationship, that's a "poor me, leave you hanging with the bag until I feel good again" selfish manipulation.

The dom sub thing is pretty irrelevant here.  No, he shouldn't get upset at you for doing something you haven't agreed to his having authority over.  But then, why were you trying to please him when he's just teaching you about the lifestyle, not dominating you?  It sounds like you both have a lot of clarification needed on what's going on.

So stop running and start holding up your end of a friendship- and hold him to the same standard.

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RE: Was I Wrong - 6/20/2008 1:30:52 PM   
fluffyswitch


Posts: 1108
Joined: 9/29/2007
From: Buffalo
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subinlife

He had told me in the past, that I only answer to myself, as I am not His sub. I told Him in an e-mail that I was stepping back until I healed. He is now upset with me, because I didn't talk to Him about it first. So was I wrong? Any advice will be greatly appreciated.


seems to me anyway that he agreed to one thing in theory but wants another thing in reality. he's already said that you're not his sub, but he wants you to act like in protocol? or is this part of your proctocol? for me it would be enough to say that it's not going to work if he told me that he wants to control my health, if i told him i needed some time off for health reasons.


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“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” churchill

the first rule of fluff club is that you don't talk about fluff club!

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RE: Was I Wrong - 6/20/2008 1:31:58 PM   
SltlyBrokenAngel


Posts: 38
Joined: 3/24/2008
Status: offline 		 
In my limited experience I would say that you are not wrong - you don't belong to him and you do answer to yourself first.  If he did something that hurt you then you certainly need to address it and if that means taking time off he should understand that.
That said communication is so very important in this lifestyle.  For my Sir it is imperative that I talk with him if something is bothering me and be open about it.  Since I don't know what happened I can't address whether you should have talked to him or "ran for the hills" but as someone who is new to this as well I know that sometimes I've been hurt by things that were not meant to be hurtful and my not talking with him only exacerbated the situation. 

< Message edited by SltlyBrokenAngel -- 6/20/2008 1:34:45 PM >

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RE: Was I Wrong - 6/20/2008 1:38:08 PM   
Deliena


Posts: 623
Joined: 6/16/2007
From: Darlington, United Kingdom
Status: offline 		I'm a big fan of communication, but I have also been guilty of the 'disappear and heal myself rather than think about your feelings' reaction in the past.

I would suggest a follow-up email where you offer to talk through what caused you to duck and cover to start with and work through that problem before considering play or tutorship continuing.

Hope this helps a bit.

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RE: Was I Wrong - 6/20/2008 1:45:40 PM   
subinlife


Posts: 263
Joined: 5/20/2008
Status: offline 		To clearify some of this. I did what I felt was best as He has family issuses that require His attention. It was something He did. As for talking about it, I tried. Communication is a problem for us, mostly on my part. He says answer only to myselk and then gets mad when I do, I'm so confused. Thank you all for your help.

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RE: Was I Wrong - 6/20/2008 1:55:37 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		Okay, I read this too literally and thought you were *physically* injured, in which case of course you would need to take some time off!

Burying your head in the sand is useless.  In a relationship, you share good and bad things~~yes, this person might not be your "official" top, and of course you are your own person, but one or both of you has to speak up.  Mind reading does not come with the program.

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RE: Was I Wrong - 6/20/2008 1:55:45 PM   
SltlyBrokenAngel


Posts: 38
Joined: 3/24/2008
Status: offline 		I'm sure that if you did what you felt was best then it was what was best for you.  Which means its exactly what you should have done.
 
At this point, I'd try to work on communication just be honest with him about whatever concerns you're having and why you are confused.  That's really all you can do - and if he is upset or stays upset then that probably tells you all you need to know.
 
Its difficult on these boards sometimes to offer advice because we're not in your situation and we don't know how if feels to be in your situation.  Sometimes the advice comes across sounding judgemental or presumptuous which I'm hoping this doesn't. 

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RE: Was I Wrong - 6/20/2008 1:59:08 PM   
subinlife


Posts: 263
Joined: 5/20/2008
Status: offline 		LadyH I was physically hurt. BrokenAngel I will take all the advice and help I can get.

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RE: Was I Wrong - 6/20/2008 1:59:40 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Well the most likely thing is that she let her ideals get away with her, plopped down with the first guy who made her feel all squishy, then they hit a few bumps- some from her side, some from his, and now that the true colors are coming out mixed with crappy communication on all sides, it's hit the road time.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: Was I Wrong - 6/20/2008 2:01:55 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		Well that's a trifle cranky, LA, though I have my Cynical Hat sutured on too, so pot/kettle!

OP, you can chalk it up to poor judgement or whatever.....get what good out of the situation you can, and work hard at not making that mistake twice.  This is not a game for suckers, and we all get stomped now and again.

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RE: Was I Wrong - 6/20/2008 2:05:59 PM   
fluffyswitch


Posts: 1108
Joined: 9/29/2007
From: Buffalo
Status: offline 		 
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

Well that's a trifle cranky, LA, though I have my Cynical Hat sutured on too, so pot/kettle!

OP, you can chalk it up to poor judgement or whatever.....get what good out of the situation you can, and work hard at not making that mistake twice.  This is not a game for suckers, and we all get stomped now and again.

well that stinks it ate my smiley and my hands are full of wool but agreed...


< Message edited by fluffyswitch -- 6/20/2008 2:06:47 PM >

_____________________________


“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” churchill

the first rule of fluff club is that you don't talk about fluff club!

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RE: Was I Wrong - 6/20/2008 2:29:19 PM   
came4U


Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline 		Hurt? by him? car accident? what?

not knowing the answer, I am assuming it is something not having to do with him because it doesn't seem by your wording that you even met this guy....

Firstly, if you are not seeking..specify that in profile before this happens again to the next guy who you get into deep conversations with.  If that is clear (assuming people read the profile, if not ignore it or make it clear) then take your time-off to take care of yourself... without discussing things that cause you to perhaps lead him or someone one else into thinking you are even ready for a relationship, online or off.

If I were a man, I'd call you a tease and a complete waste of time.

Secondly,depending how much investment of time, energy and emotional commitment you gave this guy, he also has no right to be upset.  You want to stop, so stop, you have that right.  Yet, as above, it gives you no right to start it up with anyone else until you have your issues sorted.

all of this IMO, of course. Like it or not. 

edited because I am one exhausted shoppaholic.

< Message edited by came4U -- 6/20/2008 2:36:00 PM >

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RE: Was I Wrong - 6/20/2008 2:57:58 PM   
Stusmobile


Posts: 145
Joined: 5/26/2008
From: No fixed abode
Status: offline 		I'm going to play devil's advocate a little ...

When you say he hurt you, did he know that, did you tell him, get him to stop what was causing it ...... or did you not say anything and then from his point of view ... suddenly drop the cold shoulder on his ass for no apparent reason.

Your original post gives scant info and so leaves it wide open to interpretation ...... and so far everyone is seeing the word "hurt" and validating your choices. If I was the guy and after what on the surface was a fun encounter suddenly got told "you hurt me" after the fact, yes I'd be pissed, upset, even angry. The choice is yours, but if you can't let someone know when things are good or bad .... you're going to constantly be running scared of any sort of commitment.


_____________________________

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RE: Was I Wrong - 6/20/2008 3:22:17 PM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline 		Are we talking broken arm or hangnail?

Cali


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RE: Was I Wrong - 6/20/2008 3:25:21 PM   
SltlyBrokenAngel


Posts: 38
Joined: 3/24/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Well the most likely thing is that she let her ideals get away with her, plopped down with the first guy who made her feel all squishy, then they hit a few bumps- some from her side, some from his, and now that the true colors are coming out mixed with crappy communication on all sides, it's hit the road time.


LA, don't you think that may be a little harsh?  We don't really know what happened because she hasn't given us that information.  That's why its hard to offer advice.  I know that I've experienced emotional pain with Sir that could have been avoided if I had talked with him - and what this man she's dealing with said about wishing she had talked to him first is exactly what Sir would have said to me if I had done something like that (I wouldn't be able to do that though - I need to work through things with someone rather than alone - to each their own though). 
 
So, from one perspective, maybe she really does just need to talk with him.
On the other hand - if he did something really bad maybe she needs to run.
She also may be very upset right now and need to vent - but that may not mean that its time to hit the road.  We can't know that.
 
We don't really know enough about the situation - but you are certainly correct that there appears to be communication issues on both sides. 

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RE: Was I Wrong - 6/20/2008 3:34:02 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subinlife

I am very new to this lifestyle. There is a Dom who has agreed to teach me about this lifestyle. I recently got hurt trying to please him. I sent Him a message that I needed time to heal and wanted to take a break. He had told me in the past, that I only answer to myself, as I am not His sub. I told Him in an e-mail that I was stepping back until I healed. He is now upset with me, because I didn't talk to Him about it first. So was I wrong? Any advice will be greatly appreciated.


Is he upset because of this  (backing away w/o discussion) or because you did not talk to him re: being injured?

I think sometimes too, people can forget that someone can be upset when the outcome of a situation is different than they might like, but that does not mean they think you are wrong in your actions.

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RE: Was I Wrong - 6/20/2008 4:27:24 PM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline 		I see a communication issue somewhere. We all make mistakes in relationships, especially early on. That's why friendship makes a good basis for any relationship. Sometimes it's best to retreat into the safety of friendship by saying 'Right now I really need a friend' and still leave the lines of communication open, rather than running away from the whole relationship.

I've made this mistake too. I learned the above from my own experience/stupidity.

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RE: Was I Wrong - 6/20/2008 4:57:02 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		I'm not sure how you got to where you're at.

It sounds like something happened to physically hurt you.  This could be bruises for an overenthusiastic spanking, or it could mean something mroe serious - I don;t know.

But it sounds to me like you're feeling hurt from that, and he has not acknowledged or apologized for it.  Your response is to retreat from him.

Is he aware that you're hurt?  If not, it's your responsibility to share that with him.  If any major issues arise, communicate 'em.


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: Was I Wrong - 6/20/2008 4:57:16 PM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Why do you think he is a dom?  Because he told you he was?  Does he exhibit dom-like tendancies?  For instance does he put your welfare first?  Among many other things.

The way I view your comments is, you have a man who agree'd to mentor you about the lifestyle.  Mentors don't play with their mentoree's at least not decent ones.

Since clearly he is over stepping even those boundries...I think you were right to ask him.  When he told you that you didn't need to ask.  You were right to look out for your own general welfare since clearly he is incapable of doing so.

Personally I'd keep looking and say goodbye to him.



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