First dates: Do you enjoy being in control, or being courted? (Full Version)

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AAkasha -> First dates: Do you enjoy being in control, or being courted? (6/20/2008 2:23:08 PM)

Assuming money is not an issue and you could afford anything, do you prefer to be in a position to pick when, where and what, and be in charge of first dates with submissive partners? You tell him where you are going, you pay for it, you make the arrangements, etc.  Or, do you prefer that the submissive do the courting - select the location, call you with the details, and drive the process?

I don't want this to turn into a "who pays" thread because paying is only part of it.  I'm really talking about who is in control of the date.

Addiontal question for male subs:  Given the choice, are you more attracted to the idea of being told what to do on a first date, having it be set up by the femdom and having her call the shots -- or do you enjoy the opportunity to make the choices, to court her?  No "50/50, I like to work as a team" answers; assume you have to either take charge or let her take charge for the sake of this discussion. It's a first date, after all.

Akasha



Usako -> RE: First dates: Do you enjoy being in control, or being courted? (6/20/2008 2:25:20 PM)

A date is a date, to me it has nothing to do with being submissive or dominate. I prefer to be courted.



darchChylde -> RE: First dates: Do you enjoy being in control, or being courted? (6/20/2008 2:50:06 PM)

For my personality, and general timidness around new people and such; i need to have at least part of the date under my control.  Generally, this means that she can pick where we eat, but i'd strongly suggest that afterwards we go to my local bar and have a couple of drinks and do karaoke (i try to get everyone on the mic).  It's one of the few public places that i can relax let my guard down enough for someone that i'm not completely comfortable with as a friend yet to see me as anything other than being on edge.

On the other hand, i've never had a "first date" with a dominant woman, so i can only speak hypothetically.



RumpusParable -> RE: First dates: Do you enjoy being in control, or being courted? (6/20/2008 3:01:59 PM)

I like a bit of each, just as within a developed relationship.  I want them to show initiative, interest, direction, but to have ultimate say if/when there is anything I feel the desire to have just so...

Sometimes what they suggest or wish to arrange is just fine by me and we go that way, other days it's not and I change what I wish to. Sometimes I make all the plans because I've something specific in mind.

No one solid rule, a lot depends on the sub, what they and I have in mind, and my mood.



faerytattoodgirl -> RE: First dates: Do you enjoy being in control, or being courted? (6/20/2008 3:03:43 PM)

i dont know...if i ever date again...i'll tell you after.



DominantJenny -> RE: First dates: Do you enjoy being in control, or being courted? (6/20/2008 3:15:31 PM)

FR

My standard preference for a first date is to meet at a restaurant for coffee/snacks, because I need to meet in a public place and I'm all about talking to each other and interacting directly. If they suggest a place, I'm fine with it. I'll generally have a suggestion ready, though. First dates, as I said, are always for me about seeing each other in person and talking, getting to know each other as much as possible. I generally hope to go dutch, but pick up the check if the other person doesn't offer. (If they do, I offer to split it.)



shivermetimbers -> RE: First dates: Do you enjoy being in control, or being courted? (6/20/2008 3:28:34 PM)

Call me old fashioned, I simply prefer to "take charge" of that first date.  I'll feel more comfortable in familiar surroundings, and can be more of myself, instead of trying to project some polished image I think many people do on a first date.  It's supposed to a be fun, get to know you kind of time.  To me a perfect first date is a steak dinner and a baseball game.  I'll enjoy the dinner even if not the company, and a baseball game, even for those who hate sports, gives you plenty of time sitting next to each other to talk.  The action on the field, the entertainment between innings, also tends to help fill in those awkward silences.  Plenty of people watching, and many little things that spark up topics of conversation.  If anyone has ever been to PNC park in Pittsburgh, just the view of the city and the river from the stands can spark up many a topic, whether it be the architecture, the local politics, comparisons to other places visited.  Heck, it may actually even spark up a conversation about the game itself!  If things go well from there, perhaps a nightcap later on, and a desire to go on a second date.

Call me new fashioned, but the second date is on her for where we go and what we do.  I want to get to see her in her element.  Even better if.....it's a steak dinner and a baseball game!!! 



Steponme73 -> RE: First dates: Do you enjoy being in control, or being courted? (6/20/2008 3:37:18 PM)

I kind of like the woman to take charge.  She can pick the place, the activities, the action or whatever, she just needs to tell me what to wear, when to pick her up & what time she wants me there.  It is kind of exciting to go into the unknown...with someone you don't know.  I may opt out however if she wants to take me to a dungeon or some place else on the first date.  But if it is at a vanilla type environment, I am fine with whatever she chooses.



Lockit -> RE: First dates: Do you enjoy being in control, or being courted? (6/20/2008 3:54:42 PM)

While there are a lot of variables, I tend to discuss everything and try to find something we both are comfortable with.  But... I have final say.  I do not like having someone tell me what we are going to do and when and the chances of that happening are about zero.    I tend to like to go to places I am known or comfortable at because I am the smaller person and I just think it is safer, but I will do all I can to make my 'date' feel safe and comfortable too.  I like to keep things simple and low cost.  I don't want either party going to any great lengths just to find out, there is nothing there in a physical sense.




ElanSubdued -> RE: First dates: Do you enjoy being in control, or being courted? (6/20/2008 4:54:27 PM)

Akasha,

I realize you said "question for male subs:  given the choice...", but I find this question extremely variable.  It all depends on the dynamics I have with a specific Domina.  If she wants to lead the date, I'm happy to follow.  However, if she wishes me to pick the place and to organize, I'm just as happy to do this too.  I usually find that on a first date there is a bit of both going on.  It doesn't seem that realistic to explore a great deal of BDSM and power exchange on a first date.  Rather, I prefer to get to know the person in vanilla ways.  As it feels comfortable, I'll engage in more acts that a Domina knows are submissive in nature.  Of course, plain courtesy never goes out of style so I open doors, hold chairs, take coats, and try to anticipate my partner's needs and comfort regardless of whether we're on a first date or not.  I always find that listening helps a great deal so as much as I enjoy initiating conversation, I try to listen and follow a whole lot too.

Elan.



thetammyjo -> RE: First dates: Do you enjoy being in control, or being courted? (6/20/2008 5:02:01 PM)

I'm not sure I understand how I'm not in control if I'm being courted?



Reigna -> RE: First dates: Do you enjoy being in control, or being courted? (6/20/2008 5:04:05 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
Assuming money is not an issue and you could afford anything, do you prefer to be in a position to pick when, where and what, and be in charge of first dates with submissive partners? You tell him where you are going, you pay for it, you make the arrangements, etc.  Or, do you prefer that the submissive do the courting - select the location, call you with the details, and drive the process?


If I'm being courted, I'm in control of the process. Details about who pays, who selects the location, etc., are just that--details--and they don't affect the overall dynamic. Which boils down to this: If I'm not pleased, nothing's going to happen.

In part, this is a quibble about terminology. But even if we agree on terminology, I'd argue as above. A sub can delight me with suggestions about where, when, and how to meet; if I like his ideas, I'll find his initiative charming, and likely will go along. But nothing happens without my approval. So I'm in charge, regardless.

Am I misunderstanding your question?



darchChylde -> RE: First dates: Do you enjoy being in control, or being courted? (6/20/2008 5:29:35 PM)

Once again, this is all talking hypothetically.  But, in my first date with a dominant woman would be with a woman who happens to be dominant; but not my dominant.  As such, we shall making arrangements together.  There will be no "he can make suggestions, but i get the final say".  That is utter ridiculous bullshit.  Anyone going into a first date or first meet with that kind of attitude will only have the decision that "that submissive is not for me and i will not go on this date" to worry about.

A first date is not about D/s, it's about getting to know one another and seeing if there is possible compatibility.  Anyone who immediately decides to take control of me when they have not earned it is going to get nothing more from me than detailed instructions on how to remove their heads from their ass as i pay my check and walk out; or at least make my way to the bar.

Yes, she's dominant so i will expect assertiveness; but she'd better not make any demands of me.



LaMistressa -> RE: First dates: Do you enjoy being in control, or being courted? (6/20/2008 6:02:26 PM)

Honestly, for a first date I will take as much control as I need to, but mostly I want to observe and take in my date. See how they are, how they behave - are they nervous? Polite? How do they treat the wait staff? How do they behave when in public?

I'm not a total stiff or cipher, but I'm not Ms. Domly Domme in charge when I'm watching someone.



MistressSybella -> RE: First dates: Do you enjoy being in control, or being courted? (6/20/2008 6:52:16 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

I'm not sure I understand how I'm not in control if I'm being courted?


Good answer! LOL!  My answer is, "it depends." But yours works so much better. :)

But seriously, it depends on who I am with and what their role is.


Miss 'Bella
ServeMeWell





ricar00 -> RE: First dates: Do you enjoy being in control, or being courted? (6/20/2008 7:10:30 PM)

In my experience, the first date with a potential domme has been both give and take.  Put honestly, i love the idea of the domme being in charge the first time we meet. Even if we mutually discuss all those things you talk about on the first date.  I am about power exchange and i like that established from the beginning.
ricar00



MsStarlett -> RE: First dates: Do you enjoy being in control, or being courted? (6/20/2008 7:26:03 PM)

Depends on the situation.  Is it "my turf" or his?  Did we set it up to be a 'scene' or a 'date'.  I enjoy being 'courted' if we're going to a nice restraunt or the symphony.  If I'm showing my boy around or showing him off.... then it's all about me being in charge.  



LadyHibiscus -> RE: First dates: Do you enjoy being in control, or being courted? (6/20/2008 7:29:11 PM)

If I am on a date, I am being courted.  But, I have to disabuse more than a few men that we have NO D/s relationship at that point.  We're just two people, getting to know each other.

If this "date" is really just the prelude to a scene, then all bets are off and I can play at whatever we are doing that night.  Those situations are just games, though.  I wouldn't dream of pulling rank on someone I just met, even if I felt that he wanted it.



MySweetSubmssive -> RE: First dates: Do you enjoy being in control, or being courted? (6/20/2008 7:48:04 PM)

I'm all over the map. 

I've had first meetings where I chose the place, the time, what he's wearing, what he's eating and who he's talking to in the restaurant.  I've had other first meetings where the other person made suggestions or arrangements, presented me with tulips (my fave!) when we got to our destination and wanted to pick up the check.    I've met people in the park and just hung out and laughed.  It depends on our dynamic, my mood.

That said, I am IN_NO_WAY interested in letting go of romance of the kind where a man desires to take me to dinner, bring me flowers, instinctively opens doors for me and WANTS to buy dinner.  Because I'm a findomme in disguise?  Hell no.  Because I want to be courted.   Because I like feeling like a woman to his man.  I want to feel this kind of manliness in someone (and then perhaps beat him silly later).  I've met some submissive men who wouldn't think to do this kind of courtship because they want or need to be told what to do, because they see this as being at odds with being submissive.  Zzzzzzzzzzzz.  A drag, that, I say.  (channelling Yoda, I guess)

Mss



TermsConditions -> RE: First dates: Do you enjoy being in control, or being courted? (6/20/2008 8:21:38 PM)

I learned to not initiate things. I've only dated girls and then women that asked me out and married a woman that pursued me.

In my expeience some enjoyed the novelty of being in charge but soon tired of taking the lead and wanted to be courted and pursued themselves. Taking that initiative is counter to my nature I was unable to put 100% into the effort. I always held back feeling as though I was overstepping by doing so. 

A couple enjoyed being in charge. They might hold back and allow me to make plans so they could change them or prompt me to make decisions that they could override them. Ugh. I thrill at that.



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