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RE: Sometime It Doesn't Help - 6/21/2008 9:55:11 AM   
MadameMarque


Posts: 1128
Joined: 3/19/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chamberqueen

I agree completely with the original post.  I know when I first joined CM I would often bring my problems here.  Sometimes I would word things poorly and end up getting nitpicked over little points instead of helped with my problems.  I find that I have begun keeping a lot of my problems inside specifically because of this.

I am also an empath, but find that I don't always understand the signals when it pertains to how someone feels about me.  There are times when it is easier to "read" a stranger, even a crying baby, and know exactly what they mean or need, but trying to figure out my own relationship feels impossible. 

I think that the best course of action is to find one or two people that you really trust for some of the most intimate discussions.  I know I had something come up this week that I couldn't keep to myself; it had just blown me away.  Of course, I informed my Master since He needs to know when something is bothering me and why.  I chose to share the facts with only one other person who knew the history of the situation.  This is a tightrope walk for me.  I want to reach out and have someone feel the way that I feel and be able to speak to me with reason, but sometimes a public forum is simply the wrong place for it.  That's definitely one time when it is not always right to share. 

Another case is if you just need to go on a rant and not be ranted back at.  Again, choose someone you can really trust. 



chamberqueen, I really relate to your thoughts, especially this:
 
"I am also an empath, but find that I don't always understand the signals when it pertains to how someone feels about me.  There are times when it is easier to "read" a stranger, even a crying baby, and know exactly what they mean or need, but trying to figure out my own relationship feels impossible."
 
There are two things - one is about being clouded on your own stuff, and how to have clear perceptions about your own stuff; the other is how to maintain personal boundaries, such that other people's stuff doesn't keep bleeding into yours, while at the same time, opening up to others, empathically.
 
Don't you find, too, that sometimes in relationships, you're moving too fast for other people, because - well, whether we're right or wrong about this - you feel you know them more than your time together at that point would supposedly permit? 


(in reply to chamberqueen)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Sometime It Doesn't Help - 6/21/2008 10:11:40 AM   
LadyLynx


Posts: 1098
Joined: 7/24/2007
Status: offline 		I do alittle of both.  I am an empath, and have at times unconsciously spirit healed people. (like with holding them.)  Not to hijack the thread pink,(and sorry but I couldn't read your post because of the slash speak ethier. sometimes I can, but not today. please consider not doing it on the boards?) but as a fellow empath, be aware of psychic vampires.  Now I have a friend who is one, and we get along great, share energy and what not. But I have run into quite a few that are completely amoral, and do not think twice about draining someone. and empaths can be especially susceptable to this.  So use shields, if you don't know how to put one up, you can email me, and I can give you some links.  I don't know what your religious beliefs are, and I hope this won't comprimise your beliefs, but I really think it is important.

_____________________________

Our community maybe openminded as a whole, but it is still made up of individuals who bring in their own opinions,baggage and agendas!

Known as SwitchWitch in my local community,and on IRC Bondage.

I also go by the nic SwitchWitch on MDS.

(in reply to Lumus)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Sometime It Doesn't Help - 6/21/2008 11:15:39 AM   
Viridana


Posts: 754
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: laura2161

quote:

ORIGINAL: MsLadySue

The subject was interesting as far as I read, but the slash speak makes me cross-eyed and I gave up part way through.


Unfortunately I gave up about half way through as well, because of all the Y/y stuff.  My brain stops at each slash and I'm not able to retain what I'm reading. I bet it was a good post though.



Ditto

(in reply to laura2161)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Sometime It Doesn't Help - 6/21/2008 11:49:27 AM   
MasterHermes


Posts: 136
Joined: 5/23/2008
Status: offline


While there is nothing wrong with slash speak and it works fairly well in short paragraphs , it looks like makes life difficult in long articles. Perhaps this can be a good example for people who enjoys this style of writing and they can consider some of the difficulties coming with it before starting to write an article. It is not the upper lower case but the slash creates the problem since we all have an habit to give a short break when we see the slash. It goes against our normal reading pattern. While it is still not very comfortable I can suggest the use of - (dash) instead of slash. Example: Y-you can write it this way and A-all people can read it easier than slashes .

Of course writing in plain English might be better for not distracting people and giving them a chance to focus on the subject

Have a great conversations
Hermes


(in reply to LadyLynx)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Sometime It Doesn't Help - 6/21/2008 5:30:58 PM   
RealSub58


Posts: 1073
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Pink your problem is that you never actually learn anything.  You just keep yourself in your hazy little net world stopped in a brief moment of time and nothing ever moves forward.


 

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Sometime It Doesn't Help - 6/22/2008 12:30:18 AM   
pinkieplum


Posts: 84
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968

quote:

ORIGINAL: pinksugarsub

quote:

ORIGINAL: hardbodysub

You make some good points, but DEAR GOD, do you realize how tedious it was to read with all the CAPITAL/lowercase BS? To be honest, I skipped over 50% of the OP because it was so annoying.


Ah, an old chestnut, slashy speak.
 
As it happens, i like it...i'm joyful about discovering D/s and that i'm a submissive, and that there are Doms in the world.
 
Slashy speak just makes me happy.
 
Rather than hijack the Op, why don't you 'bump' one of the 1,000s of threads on slashy speak that have already been written?
 
i did a simple search, and found five pages of threads on slashy speak.
 
http://www.collarchat.com/searchpro.asp?phrase=slash&author=&forumid=ALL&topicreply=both&message=body&timeframe=%3E&timefilter=0&language=single&top=300&criteria=AND&minRank=0&sortMethod=r&submitbutton=+OK+
 
Since you thought i 'made some good points' it would have been interesting to get yr take on them, hardbodysub.
 
pinksugarsub


If you're such an empath, why can't you see why everyone is so annoyed by slashy speak?  Don't you want to make us feel better?


That's an interesting question, Aileen.  Thank you.
 
There is a desire on my part to communicate effectively.  IMO, A/anyone with an 8th grade reading comprehension level can manage to parse out what i've written despite 'burden' of slashy speek.
 
i don't feel a strong desire to find a clique of members here W/who will follow me around posting loving comments to me.  i've always preferred to relate one-on-one rather than in a 'group' or 'team' setting.
 
i don't feel any animus towards A/ayone here on the boards, but i feel an attachment to only a few, W/whom i have a relationship with quite apart from the boards.
 
i'm made some concessions to the chronic whining about my the appearance of my posts.  i changed the font size back down to 3, though 4 was easier for me to read and i liked it.  i selected a dark purple color and abandoned the pink one, though i was very fond of it.  Mostly, i was responding to P/pl W/who posted T/they had vision problems, and to my own desire to 'morph' the appearance of my posts.
 
Slashy speech was pretty common here when i first came on the boards; it is less so now.  The boards are ever-changing, as old, respected members depart and new ones find the boards.  Nowadays, i 'know' very few P/pl W/who post here...there was a time when i knew a fair number.
 
Slashy speech makes me happy.  A/anyone who does not wish to read it can easily see it'll be a part of the appearance of my posts, and although i don't 'get' the part where P/pl get T/their panties in a twist over it -- nonetheless, if it has that strong an impact on Y/you -- by all means, use the hide button.
 
i am mystified at why S/some P/pl feel the need to post, over and over and over, on any thread i'm on, about T/their 'hatred' of slashy speech.  What's the point?  How does that advance the convo?  If Y/you don't care for it -- don't read it -- but for the love of Mike, stop the persistant whining.
 
BTW, i cannot, as a rule, 'feel' much as an empath by looking at pixels on my pc screen.  i need to be in S/someone's presence in order to 'get a vibe'.
 
Thank you for the opportunity to have my say Aileen.
 
JMO.
 
pinkieplum    

(in reply to Aileen1968)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Sometime It Doesn't Help - 6/22/2008 12:50:53 AM   
pinkieplum


Posts: 84
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Zechriel

Good morning darling!

I am also an empath, have been my whole life and it just seems to come naturally. It is not something we "work" on nor cannot turn off when that annoying person somes along that tugs on your ear right? But since I started working with magick about 15 years ago there is a very useful tool that I have come to develop and works exceedingly well with our "problem"-silence. You do not have to respond, listening and nodding or standing back and watching the players do their dance can be enough at times. Otherwise you take on the worries of the world and you learn eventually that 1-you cannot fix everything and 2-it WILL bring you down at some point. Depending on if the person is willing to follow your directions for change(and I have found that alot do not when confronted with the truth of their actions/thoughts) you either take it in and handle it or take it in and within a very short time..learn to let it go. But always be there for people when they need to "vent".

I also had a hard time reading and skipped a lot :: rubs eyes::

Love,
Zechriel


That's a good point, Zerchriel.  It may not have been clear from the Op, but there can be hazards to listening as well as to talking.  There are some topics i will not discuss, with A/anyone, anymore. 
 
Abortion is one. As it happens, i believe just as strongly in a woman's right to control her body -- and her reproductive experiences -- as firmly now as i did when i was 16.  M/most P/pl are just as entrenched in whatever T/their POV may be.  However, for some reason, M/many P/pl feel T/they are free to abandon any sort of common courtesy when discusiing this topic. T/they feel free to hurl insults, raise T/their voice and so on.  i just don't engage in convos of that sort.
 
Then there are situations/issues/problems that S/someone may have that i refuse to listen to.  Getting the sh*t beaten out of /you by Y/your P/partner?  Allowing Y/your UMs to be abused?  Dying of some dread disease?  Been arrested for a felony?  i'm unavilable as an 'ear' (unless i truely love Y/you, and i love only a very few P/pl).  
 
It's self-care on my part; i can feel my body begin to tense up; i can feel the pain start to come over me in waves.  i won't listen because it hurts me too much.
 
And lastly, there is petty, malicious gossip about a 3rd P/person i may or may not know.  There's a disctinct difference between 'what do Y/you think i should do in this sit' and 'lemme tell you all the weird, bad, creepy, crap i claim to know about P/person X'.    
 
i'm no shrinking violet. i am quite comfortable sayng 'no' when asked to listen to sh*t i dun wanna hear.  i realise that 'appearing to listen' and just nodding or saying 'um hum' from time to time is less confrontational, but i'd rather teach P/pl where my boundaries lie.
 
pinkieplum

(in reply to Zechriel)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Sometime It Doesn't Help - 6/22/2008 1:11:32 AM   
pinkieplum


Posts: 84
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CelticPrince

quote:

IMO, many W/women 'cope' with troubles by talking things out with a trusted F/friend(s) and 'processing' the matter.....while many M/men prefer to ruminate, and when T/they have hit on a 'solution', take action.


pink,

Ever read men are from Mars", etc?  It is not just your opinion, men are simply wired to not talk but to internalise the problem until a solution is reached.

CP


Hi CelticPrince.
 
No, i've never read 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus'.  i confess i don't care for the self-help book genre; just not my cup of tea.  ( i don't like Westerns, much, either.)  
 
i think there probably are anatomical and pysiological differences between the male and female brain, and that for M/most P/pl, these differences influence the development of T/their personalities.
 
i rarely tell any of my Men friends about a 'problem' i'm 'processing'.  With a few exceptions, They make really awful 'sounding boards'.  They grow impatient as i try and convey all the little nuances and want to 'jump to the end' and 'tell me how to fix it'. 
 
On the other hand, when my car won't start, i hardly ever call one of my girlfriends.  Some of T/them know how to repair a car -- but T/they want to teach me this skill.  May as well try and teach a fish to sing -- all mechanical info just floats uselessly above my head.  My Men Friends, Gawd bless Them, will say 'well, I can't get to it until tomorrow but I'll come look at it then' and -- voila -- problem fixed.
 
No generalisation holds true across the board, but this has been my usual experience.  i adore both my girlfriends and my Men Friends -- and take good care of T/them in my own way --but T/they are different.
 
pinkieplum


< Message edited by pinkieplum -- 6/22/2008 1:22:29 AM >

(in reply to CelticPrince)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Sometime It Doesn't Help - 6/22/2008 2:22:16 AM   
lalbobbilynn


Posts: 483
Joined: 6/11/2006
Status: offline 		Op ....... seems You are getting an ear full as to Your slashes!! LOL, a point easily scanned over after sentence three when i noted was every few words!!

No matter the topic .... when i want a logical response, i will ask a male friend. Only if said listener notes a limit of mine being met in my tone, will an emotional response be offered. Some of my most intense "talks" have been with a man using limited vernacular.
If i wish to express the direction of the breeze while i was incensed, i will usually seek i woman friend's insight.
If i do not value another's opinion i will never ask, and i attempt NOT to assume my conversation is between myself and the listener. If my need is to express to another that the conversation is to be kept private, i will verbalize as much.
As You will note, i have made many a mistakes while conversing with others.
One can only hope to live and learn!!
b.~

(in reply to pinkieplum)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Sometime It Doesn't Help - 6/22/2008 6:11:13 AM   
Maya2001


Posts: 1656
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
Status: offline 		I find many women who wish to talk things out are not looking for advice  or other POVs.but are seeking  validation of their own POV and want  sympathy.. so totally tune out want they do not want to hear or become defensive if the advice in not to their liking even when the delivery is with empathy and the empathy will not be recognized....    and most women tend to give supporting comfort not logical straight forward advice even if they know that the supporting comforting is wrong but they are not willing  to risk possible confrontation by stating what they really think is sound advice. 

I have been through a lot of tough times and heartaches myself   so can be empathic with another plights  but I am not going to give  advice/comfort that will keep someone  feeling like a victim and maintaining self pity but will offer advice to help themselves   out of their problems and that is what I seek from others even if it hurts a bit hearing the words or opening my eyes to my own blame in the situation ...because cutting the BS  means I can deal with the situation sooner instead of wallowing in it and having it eat away at me.... I am not perfect sometimes I can be stubborn and not take the advice right away and allow myself to wallow around a bit ..so it is nice to have a friend that will not give up and will give me the continued kick in the ass if needed

   

_____________________________

Lead me not into temptation - I can find the way myself

(in reply to Lumus)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Sometime It Doesn't Help - 6/22/2008 1:14:16 PM   
TysGalilah


Posts: 589
Joined: 11/21/2007
Status: offline 		 You changed screen names in the middle of your own thread...how strange...  anyway>>>>>>>>>>
 
{ rarely tell any of my Men friends about a 'problem' i'm 'processing'.  With a few exceptions, They make really awful 'sounding boards'.  They grow impatient as i try and convey all the little nuances and want to 'jump to the end' and 'tell me how to fix it'.  }
 
This has not been my experience.  I have known a number of men who have been and ARE excellent sounding boards and listeners.  My best friend and most trusted confidant is a man.
 
And I have known more than a handful of women who couldn't care less about anyone elses problems but their own and tune anyone and everything else out, satisfyed to exist in their own little world of denial and withdrawl ...  steryotypes suck, for the most part.
 
To respond to your original comment and post :
 
  {* Talking can be bad if, by telling S/someone the 'factoids', Y/you find Y/yrself feeling emotional
 
There's nothing wrong with feeling or getting emotional.
  And the person who has gained my trust, that I feel comfortable confiding that kind of information or sharing with, wouldn't mind and would actually encourage it in me. 
 
Even tho' most who know me would say I am a talker, and yes I love to visit, share thoughts, chat/talk, friendly banter etc,  I would actually call myself more of a listener. 
I am comfortable doing both.  I do agree, that the intimate and more personal stuff I do reserve for most trusted ( fewer) friends. 
 
{Talking can be bad if S/someone wants Y/you to listen to something Y/you are uncomfortable hearing. 
 
This could be a confidence from S/someone Y/you don't feel Y/you know well yet; or gossip about A/another P/person Y/you like; or worst of all IMO, 'gossip' about }
 
I was trying to imagine me not wanting to listen to someone who had something difficult to share, and it had me feeling uncomfortable.  I would put aside my own feelings and I would listen to what was important to them to share with me.
   When you mentioned gossip....well
I don't find gossip-mongers in my circle of  intimate and closest friends. 
 And if you are talking about an acquaintance who decides they want to gossip, yes I would just tell them I didn't want to hear about that.  It wouldn't cause me to stop talking to them completely or listening to them talk about somehting else..
 
In general I think talking and sharing thoughts and feelings is a good thing.  Knowing "your forum"  IS important though.
 
 
 

 


_____________________________

galilah

.."There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. " Edith Wharton

(in reply to pinkieplum)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Sometime It Doesn't Help - 6/22/2008 4:25:36 PM   
hardbodysub


Posts: 1654
Joined: 8/7/2005
Status: offline 		Sure, pinkieplum, anyone CAN decipher the slashyspeak if they want to. The issue isn't whether one is able to do it or not, it's a simple matter of whether you want to communicate effectively. Punctuation and grammar are supposed to make the written word easier to read so that you can communicate your ideas more effectively to more people. Anything that detracts from that by making the process tedious or annoying undermines the assumed purpose of writing. Sorry if this appeared to be hijacking, I really thought the OP made some good points, but the writing style did not do justice to the message.

So, getting back to the OP's message:
The stereotype is that women "talk out" their problems more than men, and I think there's some truth in that, particularly when it comes to intimate issues. The other relevant gender stereotype is that men tend to focus on problem solving, women on process. Men often offer solutions when someone simply wants to vent or "think out loud" a little bit. I believe there's some truth to the second stereotype as well, although I find it common among both genders. Put the two together (less airing of issues, and result orientation vs. process orientation), and you have pretty much the situation the OP described.

(in reply to pinkieplum)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Sometime It Doesn't Help - 6/23/2008 2:25:15 AM   
pinkieplum


Posts: 84
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyLynx

I do alittle of both.  I am an empath, and have at times unconsciously spirit healed people. (like with holding them.)  Not to hijack the thread pink,(and sorry but I couldn't read your post because of the slash speak ethier. sometimes I can, but not today. please consider not doing it on the boards?) but as a fellow empath, be aware of psychic vampires.  Now I have a friend who is one, and we get along great, share energy and what not. But I have run into quite a few that are completely amoral, and do not think twice about draining someone. and empaths can be especially susceptable to this.  So use shields, if you don't know how to put one up, you can email me, and I can give you some links.  I don't know what your religious beliefs are, and I hope this won't comprimise your beliefs, but I really think it is important.


i don't claim to have 'healing powers', LadyLynx.  i don't see that as a characteristic of an empath -- rather i think it is a matter of whether You've chosen to explore metaphysics or another spiritual path and found that, for You, it holds some validity.
 
i suppose S/some P/pl who've encountered me have experienced a sense of 'healing' from the strong feelings 'being heard' or 'being seen' can arouse.  However i have never cured a cold or anything.
 
i first heard the term 'emotional vampire' while watching a show on the History Channel (which rarely has shows on history, but that's just a little irritation i feel).  The woman being interviewed wasn't using the term metaphorically; she meant to say that while some vampires (talk about suspending judgment!) may 'take blood' from their victims, others take the 'life energy' of T/their victims by a form of osmosis.
 
It was interesting but not especially mind-blowing. i haven't taken up a 'kink' for vampirism, he he.
 
All my life i've been 'open' to the people around me.  Some have strong personalities -- or signals -- that i can 'detect' from a bit of distance.  Others do not -- or may have only when they're in pain or some other strong emotional state -- and i can 'detect' a sense of them only if i'm close to them, i really concentrate, and my motives are pure.
 
Apparently, at the same time, i'm 'broadcasting' something about myself.  There's no other explanation for the number and kind of intimate convos i've had with P/pl i did not initiate...and often with P/pl i barely knew...or even perfect strangers.
 
There has been a 'downside' to this for me -- i experience the P/person quite vividly.  If T/they are evil, i get a face-to-face with evil. Same with pain, physical or emotional.
 
Regardless of whether A/anyone accepts the premise that empaths exist, there is no denying S/some P/pl ask for -- or demand -- much more than i'm prepared to give.  i think E/evryone has -- or needs to have -- boundaries in this regard.  Are these P/pl 'emotional vampires'?  Some seem to be 'professional victims', so possibly the answer is 'yes'.
 
pinkieplum

P.S.  BTW, IMO being an empath doesn't automatically come with any sense of morality.  i've known empaths who used their abilities to suss out 'info' they then used to manipulate a person.  i think it's likely some serial killers, especially Ted Bundy and Jeffrey Dalmer, were empaths.

< Message edited by pinkieplum -- 6/23/2008 2:34:07 AM >

(in reply to LadyLynx)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Sometime It Doesn't Help - 6/23/2008 3:47:04 AM   
Usako


Posts: 697
Joined: 7/29/2006
From: NYC
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pinkieplum
There is a desire on my part to communicate effectively.


There must not be if you can't understand why so many people dislike the slash speak. I hate it 100% but as someone mentioned, some can tolerate it a little but in HUGE posts it's just an eyesore.

quote:

ORIGINAL: pinkieplum
i don't feel a strong desire to find a clique of members here W/who will follow me around posting loving comments to me.  i've always preferred to relate one-on-one rather than in a 'group' or 'team' setting.


Then why do you make so many new threads? I too prefer one-on-one; hence why I don't start threads here and only respond to very few. I think you make a new thread everyday, all with slash speak and all impossible to read.

quote:

ORIGINAL: pinkieplum
BTW, i cannot, as a rule, 'feel' much as an empath by looking at pixels on my pc screen.  i need to be in S/someone's presence in order to 'get a vibe'. 


http://www.collarchat.com/m_1952424/tm.htm

As for the original topic, god I don't even know what it is. I refused to read your post with all the slash speak because it's a hassel. Grammar and such are to make reading easier but slash speak and "i" just kill it. I just read the part you quoted since it was the only readable part of the post.

I don't believe in "empaths." I believe understanding other's emotions is just a human function, some people just do it better than others. I think talking things out is important because keeping everything bottled up usually ends up messy. Problem is, not everyone is good at talking things out or won't listen.

(in reply to pinkieplum)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Sometime It Doesn't Help - 6/23/2008 6:02:33 AM   
OmegaG


Posts: 1474
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline 		I could tolerate the slash speak if you only slashed pronouns (S/some P/people is a bit reduntant) but then I also have an averson to text speak, so "Pink____" hits me with a double whammy.

Though I do notice that I can usually figure out what she's saying by the responses, and for that I am grateful.

I am a bit of a mutant, I do internally process my problems but I also like feedback.  However, I hate the empathetic just listening crap that females tend to gravitate towards.  I want someone to tell me if my solution is good or wacked and if they have another solution I love to hear it.  Therefore, all my sounding boards have always been men.

_____________________________


Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

(in reply to Usako)
Profile   Post #: 35
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