RE: A Story of the Perils of Dating Doms

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RE: A Story of the Perils of Dating Doms - 6/21/2008 7:41:55 AM

GreedyTop

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brilliantly said, RS :)

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RE: A Story of the Perils of Dating Doms - 6/21/2008 7:42:56 AM

FirmhandKY

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

Dear Pink…
I love your new font and color… it’s very easy on the eyes and I read your post in comfort. In fact, I will respond to it with sincerity and share what I see from my narrow perspective and limited knowledge of the event.

Your story describes a clear chain of key events and is well told. I think you may have overlooked his “Domly” point of view and underestimated his Donly talents at retaining control.

After he invested “daily phone calls and several IMs” he “asked” to meet with you in person. You denied him. He “mentioned meeting [you] often” and you repeatedly denied him. In effect, you ‘took control’ of what it was you guys would exchange and when you would exchange it when you said, “wait a few weeks.”

He's a lawyer and it is his profession to decipher events and the truth from the evidence. After repeatedly trying to get what he wanted from your exchange, he failed because you refused to reciprocate. You obviously weren’t going to fuck him or meet him in person… at least not within ‘his’ desired terms or conditions. But he was obviously attracted to you enough to modify his goals and retake control of the relationship because soon you were only “serving as an audience for Him” without “reciprocity”. He allowed you to serve in the only capacity you were willing to, as a voice.

Then when you told him “on the phone, in IM, and finally by email” that you wanted more and wanted him to serve your needs too, he denied you just as you had denied to give him more of what he had requested.

There isn’t a Domly type guy in here that doesn’t want to be in control… some people might even say we all have ‘control issues’ to some degree. You said, “now i know He's not really a Dom”… to contrary, you show that he remained in control and even allowed you to continue to serve him under his conditions until you demanded he start serving you with reciprocation. Although you were the first to limit the relationship and deny his desires, you did not retain control.

Just saying…

[edit: type-o]

Ohhhh ... excellent! Absolutely excellent analysis!

Firm

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RE: A Story of the Perils of Dating Doms - 6/21/2008 7:54:48 AM

cjan

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Ditto. Well said, RS.

OP, at least he didn't block and hide you, as I have done, having had enough of your whining and yada yada yaka yaka yaka on any "topic" under the sun.Few things are as annoying as a chatterbox that, apparently, has no "off" button. I think he's shown himself to be a very patient man.

< Message edited by cjan -- 6/21/2008 8:01:57 AM >

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RE: A Story of the Perils of Dating Doms - 6/21/2008 7:55:32 AM

Maya2001

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quote:

n a way i'm relieved -- He has shown His 'true colors' and didn't waste any more of my time. Now i know He's not really a Dom -- a Dom does not run and hide when a submissive says 'i have an unmet want/need, Sir'.

maybe he is thinking similiar thoughts...

part of the reason I do not do the kee towing to Doms with slashy speak ..addressing them as Sir and being the humble submissive etc.

Getting to know each other should be done as equals ... when you start off playing as a sub online a dom or master may listen to what you say but has no obligation to fulfill the want or even respond to your request...it is upto him to decide,.....he does not get to know you as an equal instead may have viewed you as a whiny controlling sub because you have not taken the time to get to know him as an equal and negotiate how you plan to submit. ..so if you feel preyed upon it is your own fault for giving him control of the reins without explaining what is needed to be steered happily

< Message edited by Maya2001 -- 6/21/2008 8:29:01 AM >

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RE: A Story of the Perils of Dating Doms - 6/21/2008 8:26:19 AM

GreedyTop

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and another brilliant post!!

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RE: A Story of the Perils of Dating Doms - 6/21/2008 8:44:59 AM

WinsomeDefiance

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quote:

Never make an emotional investment -- no matter how modest -- in a Man you've never met in real life.

I have this tendency to believe it is best to avoid absolutes like never.

Whenever I engage someone on the phone, or in person, there is typically an emotional offering made to varying degrees. I do not consider it an investment, because I have not entered into the conversation requiring a return. I do understand you are in distress, and wish you would have had a better experience, but my empathy falls short because I simply cannot relate to the overall message you are providing.

WD

< Message edited by WinsomeDefiance -- 6/21/2008 8:51:12 AM >

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RE: A Story of the Perils of Dating Doms - 6/21/2008 9:02:59 AM

wandersalone

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quote:

ORIGINAL: pinksugarsub
So, as time goes by, i become frustrated over s'thing He does repeatedly. He never listens to me, ever. All O/our convos are me serving as an audience for Him -- there's no reciprocity.

Maybe part of the difficulty was that a pattern was set up early on about how the conversations would be and he didn't realise that this was not working for you. It may have been a surprise for him to receive an email from you about your concerns when he thought that things were going well.

I do agree with others that this thread was maybe misnamed as it doesn't sound like you two were actually dating but rather you were in the getting to know you stages which is quite different to me and also that this experience doesn't mean that he isn't a dom but more that there were some communication issues for the two of you. Maybe take some time to think about your wants and needs including desired communication style with a potential dom so that in the future you may recognise anything that doesn't fit a little earlier.

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RE: A Story of the Perils of Dating Doms - 6/21/2008 9:34:48 AM

pinkieplum

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quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

I don't see it as perils of dating doms for a few reasons. Chatting and im'ing someone is not "dating". Dating is when you meet in real time. The behavior he exhibited is the sort of behavior anyone can exhibit, it's not because he's a dom. As far as getting emotionally invested on-line, I understand it can happen, but how useful is it to become invested in someone whom you may never meet? It's nice to have feelings of attraction and excitement, but remember that it doesn't really mean much until you actually meet in real time and experience it for real. As far as him being a predator? Please, he's not a predator; he's a poor communicator.

i thinkYou nailed it Katy. It can be hard to remember that dating only happens in real life. i've fallen into this once or twice before, and i swore to myself i'd never do it again.

i don't know what exactly happened. There was a strong sense of connection with Him; i felt like He would be Someone Who 'got' me, if you know what i mean. Someone Who was 'on my wavelength'. i think that feeling distracted me too much. Whatever happened, i deviated from my own basic rules and requirements -- again.

i don't see Him as a predator in any way; i have no fear or anxiety about Him causing me any harm..

And i really don't know what happened from His POV. Maybe the email distressed Him -- seems unlikely, but since i never knew Him in real life, i have no idea. Maybe something entirely unrelated happened and He felt He had to marshall His resources -- that He really wasn't in a position to pursue a relationship at this time.

Hell, maybe he got hit by a bus -- though i sure hope not.

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RE: A Story of the Perils of Dating Doms - 6/21/2008 9:41:12 AM

WinsomeDefiance

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Why the switch-up in names, pinksugarysubplum person? The perspective of your post threw me for a second until I realized it was you responding under another pseudonym.

< Message edited by WinsomeDefiance -- 6/21/2008 9:42:29 AM >

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RE: A Story of the Perils of Dating Doms - 6/21/2008 9:50:29 AM

camille65

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Ooookay. pinkieplum is pinksugarplum eh?
Now I understand it all. Thanks for cluing in the clueless ( me me me )

quote:

ORIGINAL: WinsomeDefiance

Why the switch-up in names, pinksugarysubplum person? The perspective of your post threw me for a second until I realized it was you responding under another pseudonym.

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RE: A Story of the Perils of Dating Doms - 6/21/2008 9:51:24 AM

pinkieplum

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quote:

ORIGINAL: everhope

investing emotionally in an online encounter is not wise, but i do it. doing it now. i am pretty confident absolutely no one can bankrupt me emotionally. anyway, it's all in how you pick up the pieces and move on. never thought of this before, but maybe i am an emotional nomad searching for the place to park my emotions. transparent a little at a time yes...but there comes a point when you either decide to give it over or not. intuition ..a strong sense of self ...a knowing i will be ok, no matter what....all helpful.
ramblings of one who wishes to find her bliss and is willing to be emotionally uncomfortable to find it.

everhope, i have terrific intuitive skills. A great bullsh*t meter. A very reliable 'gut check'. Hell, i even have 'the sixth sense'. My problem is none of them is any use online or by phone.

Talking to a Man i've never met and experiencing a sense of connection has proven, for me, to be an illusion. It's as if i'm talking to myself in a mirror. The Men i've 'fallen' for online have all had Their own skills --intution, empathy, memory and active listening.

It's just so easy to say 'o, sure, W/we won't have anal sex if'n yr worried about it' whether the Man could care less about anal or is obsessed with it.

It's so easy to make comments about my family or s'thing -- all that's required is a halfway decent memory of little 'factoids' i've said in prior convos.

i hear these kinds of things and s'times -- occassionally -- i let myself think 'gee, He really cares'. Cares? How could He? He hasn't even had a chance to decide if He's attracted to me -- and vise versa.

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RE: A Story of the Perils of Dating Doms - 6/21/2008 11:15:29 AM

MusicalBoredom

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quote:

ORIGINAL: adrian28

What annoys me most about these threads is that they are neccesary. Too many predators, I guess.

Did I miss the part that made this guy a predator? A relationship that doesn't work out or get going in the first place doesn't make one of the parties a predator or even necessarily wrong of anything. Not all relationships are supposed to last forever or even get off the ground properly else we would have all gotten married in the 7th grade right after the "do you like me check yes or no" note.

Edited to add sorry I didn't read all the posts before I made this one.

< Message edited by MusicalBoredom -- 6/21/2008 11:22:02 AM >

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RE: A Story of the Perils of Dating Doms - 6/21/2008 12:27:19 PM

popeye1250

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It's all about *communication.*
If I had a slave who was totally devoted to me I'd still want to keep all lines of communication and feedback open.
I don't think any of these types of relationships can last if they're "one-sided."
The Master gives of himself just as much as the slave when you think about it.

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RE: A Story of the Perils of Dating Doms - 6/21/2008 12:33:34 PM

GreedyTop

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MB.. and I thank god every day that that is NOT the case..LMAO!!

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RE: A Story of the Perils of Dating Doms - 6/21/2008 1:00:10 PM

KatyLied

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In my area there are many more men than there are women, at this on-line site. I feel and wrote in my journal, my opinion regarding this (not the op, but the numbers thing). It's a woman's market, there are plenty of men to choose from. It's not my job to be endearing and sweet and extremely submissive. It's the dominant's job to sell himself to me. I'm sure that domly types do not get this, and I don't sound sweetly submissive. My days of trying to snag a dominant are long over. If an awesome ones comes along and can sell himself.......................

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RE: A Story of the Perils of Dating Doms - 6/21/2008 2:01:16 PM

hizgeorgiapeach

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DomAviator

Holy crap! Imagine that a guy who doesnt call! Thats unheard of....NOT! Just FYI, there are three things that come out of a mans mouth that should be considered a lie unless proven otherwise...

1) Ill call you.
2) I wont cum in your mouth.
3) Im not interested in any other women!

It has nothing to do with whether hes a dom or not or whether hes online or not. I dispute the validity of you assertion "Now i know He's not really a Dom -- a Dom does not run and hide when a submissive says 'i have an unmet want/need, Sir'." He may very well be a dom, and hes neither running nor hiding he is just "blowing you off" as men will do when you have either pissed them off or they have lost interest or decided that "colatteral drama" exceeds the value of the pussy offered.

Sorry but as Im sure any guy with the balls to admit it will tell you, thats the way it is. We have been doing it from middle school onwards... Men unexplicably blowing women off is what keeps Haagen Daz in business... LOL

Ya know DA - the longer I know you, the more I think you Must somehow be related to my exhusfreak!

(While I don't know about whether it keeps Haagen Daz is business, it certainly helps maintain Godiva in business... )

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RE: A Story of the Perils of Dating Doms - 6/21/2008 2:05:03 PM

popeye1250

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quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

In my area there are many more men than there are women, at this on-line site. I feel and wrote in my journal, my opinion regarding this (not the op, but the numbers thing). It's a woman's market, there are plenty of men to choose from. It's not my job to be endearing and sweet and extremely submissive. It's the dominant's job to sell himself to me. I'm sure that domly types do not get this, and I don't sound sweetly submissive. My days of trying to snag a dominant are long over. If an awesome ones comes along and can sell himself.......................

Katy, agreed.
That's why it says in my profile; "for the sub/slave who "chooses" me..."
A lot of men still think the "caveman routine" applies these days when first meeting a woman.
It applies *after* and only sometimes.

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RE: A Story of the Perils of Dating Doms - 6/21/2008 2:07:43 PM

came4U

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quote:

Why the switch-up in names, pinksugarysubplum person? The perspective of your post threw me for a second until I realized it was you responding under another pseudonym.

I realized this a while ago but figured oh well, another nutbar.

Beyond that, ..one that responds in another nik to her own threads.

Sweeeeeeeeeeet, I have seen it all for sure now.

Every thread it/she begins is a trainwreck of events that cannot be happening to one single person in a single week.

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RE: A Story of the Perils of Dating Doms - 6/21/2008 2:09:36 PM

KatyLied

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quote:

A lot of men still think the "caveman routine" applies these days when first meeting a woman. It applies *after* and only sometimes.

The caveman does have his place. It seems that some men have forgotten that there is an art to courtship. And while not all women expect or desire a period of courtship, there is something to be said for that early time in a relationship when both partners are nurturing something that they hope will become special.

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RE: A Story of the Perils of Dating Doms - 6/21/2008 2:10:18 PM

hizgeorgiapeach

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quote:

ORIGINAL: popeye1250
A lot of men still think the "caveman routine" applies these days when first meeting a woman.
It applies *after* and only sometimes.

To bad the rest don't take the hint - but I've gotten to the point over the years of doubting they have the cranial capacity to ever truely comprehend. Human society - whether east or west - is to bound up in nonsensical patriarchal thinking.

Frankly, we women screwed up a few thousand years ago when we allowed males to find out they had ANYTHING to do with conception and childbirth.

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