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RE: -=How To Begin a Successful Power Exhcange=- - 6/23/2008 5:08:25 AM   
WolfsbaneX


Posts: 20
Joined: 6/22/2008
From: The Twilight Zone, formerly of The Dark Carnival
Status: offline 		I will say this Resident Sadist and take it for what its worth. Your intentions seem good, and the principles and philosophies of which you speak are good in their basis as well. Perhaps for some such philosophies and principles do not work, or they have found something that works better. If so then so be it. We all should walk our own paths and be true to ourselves. That goes to everyone.

(in reply to ResidentSadist)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: -=How To Begin a Successful Power Exhcange=- - 6/23/2008 5:32:13 AM   
DominantJenny


Posts: 645
Joined: 4/6/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsholly

quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

Openess, as total as possible, is one of my highest goals. A good book to read on the subject is Radical Honesty, by Brad Blanton.


psst...Level...if she ever asks you "Does this make me look fat?" radical honesty will result in serious bodily injury.  Just sayin'



Slight hijack, but I am tired of this joke being taken too seriously. If I ask someone if I look fat...then I want the answer. If I DON'T want the answer, then it's my OWN DAMN FAULT for asking the question. Period.
(No, I don't ask the question, or at least not that way. I have asked my partner if a top that was borderline was actually too tight, and expected and recieved an honest answer. I don't need to ask the question; I KNOW I look fat, because I AM fat.)

Sorry. Pet peeve.

(in reply to sirsholly)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: -=How To Begin a Successful Power Exhcange=- - 6/23/2008 5:39:02 AM   
VioletAshes


Posts: 101
Joined: 1/16/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

-=How To Begin a Successful Power Exhcange=-

You may not have each other's banking information at that point but, nothing is secret when relevant to exposing who you are, what you want, how you feel or what you do. 

To exchange control, you both must expose yourselves in order to learn.

There can be no secrets, especially if it conflicts with paying respect to the bond.



I must wholeheartedly agree. This is how I have begun my current relationship and it has opened such understanding and trust that I wonder in it daily.

_____________________________

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I'm not like other girls that you know
but I believe I'm worth coming home to"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(in reply to ResidentSadist)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: -=How To Begin a Successful Power Exhcange=- - 6/23/2008 5:57:58 AM   
accipitres


Posts: 70
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		TOTAL exposure?

I disagee.  There are lots of things I would just as soon not know:
what you think I look like when I am crying
whay you think about that extra 20 pounds I put on
how the last woman you fucked compared to me
how you think about your ex when I am giving you a blow job.

But then again, I think trust is highly over rated.  It is an illusion that builds complacency, implied a certain level of control over the other's behavior (I trust him not to do _______________), and considerably reduces my fear factor.

And I love the smell and taste of fear.

(in reply to VioletAshes)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: -=How To Begin a Successful Power Exhcange=- - 6/23/2008 6:07:18 AM   
gypsygrl


Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline
quote:

Neither Master nor slave can hold secrets or limit exposure if they are to succeed. There must be complete exposure. Treat the power exchange with respect, remain exposed and steadfast in your roles.


I find this kind of openness productive in any meaningful relationship, be it based on a self-conscious D/s style power exchange (as opposed to the power exchanges that happen all the time, everyday) or an interest in friendship.  Its a necessary ingredient to mutual respect and shared understanding.


_____________________________

“To be happy is to be able to become aware of oneself without fright.” ~Walter Benjamin


(in reply to ResidentSadist)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: -=How To Begin a Successful Power Exhcange=- - 6/23/2008 6:32:53 AM   
lanie38


Posts: 120
Joined: 9/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: accipitres

TOTAL exposure?

I disagee.  There are lots of things I would just as soon not know:
what you think I look like when I am crying
whay you think about that extra 20 pounds I put on
how the last woman you fucked compared to me
how you think about your ex when I am giving you a blow job.

But then again, I think trust is highly over rated.  It is an illusion that builds complacency, implied a certain level of control over the other's behavior (I trust him not to do _______________), and considerably reduces my fear factor.

And I love the smell and taste of fear.



I completely agree...esp about trust being completely overated. I trust myself and only me, I don't put that burden on him. I trust that I make educated choices based on my experiences. But life has no guarantees and he's human. I just chose to take that risk despite that fact.

And ditto again regarding fear...it's what fuels my kink and our bond...

_____________________________

Don't be so humble...you're not that great. ~ Golda Meir

(in reply to accipitres)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: -=How To Begin a Successful Power Exhcange=- - 6/23/2008 6:46:01 AM   
cjan


Posts: 3513
Joined: 2/21/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lanie38

quote:

ORIGINAL: accipitres

TOTAL exposure?

I disagee.  There are lots of things I would just as soon not know:
what you think I look like when I am crying
whay you think about that extra 20 pounds I put on
how the last woman you fucked compared to me
how you think about your ex when I am giving you a blow job.

But then again, I think trust is highly over rated.  It is an illusion that builds complacency, implied a certain level of control over the other's behavior (I trust him not to do _______________), and considerably reduces my fear factor.

And I love the smell and taste of fear.



I completely agree...esp about trust being completely overated. I trust myself and only me, I don't put that burden on him. I trust that I make educated choices based on my experiences. But life has no guarantees and he's human. I just chose to take that risk despite that fact.

And ditto again regarding fear...it's what fuels my kink and our bond...


I think that these are usefull and healthy points of view regarding trust.I also think it's a difficult concept for many peeps to grasp and also to articulate

Trust, like "love" may mean different things to different people To understand and communicate it in it's different aspects and fullness is a challenge.A challenge made more difficult because it means different things to different people.



< Message edited by cjan -- 6/23/2008 6:53:04 AM >

_____________________________

"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall ,frozen , dead, from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself."- D.H. L

" When you look into the abyss, the abyss also looks in to you"- Frank Nitti



(in reply to lanie38)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: -=How To Begin a Successful Power Exhcange=- - 6/23/2008 6:47:46 AM   
accipitres


Posts: 70
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lanie38

[I completely agree...esp about trust being completely overated. I trust myself and only me, I don't put that burden on him. I trust that I make educated choices based on my experiences. But life has no guarantees and he's human. I just chose to take that risk despite that fact.



Exactly!  "I trust YOU to take care of my well being"  = abdicating responsibility while exerting total control. 

And as far as the "total transparency" goes, how fucking boring could that get?    It implies that the "other's" every thought or feeling is worthy of note.

I am incredibly egotistical, but even I don't think my every mental burp is worth sharing.  Especially during PMS.

< Message edited by accipitres -- 6/23/2008 6:49:13 AM >

(in reply to lanie38)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: -=How To Begin a Successful Power Exhcange=- - 6/23/2008 6:48:11 AM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		I agree with the OP - i went into my relationship with my Sir with the intent to be as honest as i was able about my sexuality, desires and who i am as a  person. As for anything else ( how i look when i cry, what that 20 pounds did to my butt) i felt was irrelevent to our relationship.  Sure, other people impact our relationship, but not at an emotional level. If i have to go see one of my kids, that impacts my Sir and my relationship in the most superficial way - if i tell him that my ex hurt me mentally and i don't "do" humiliation well, that is another whole ball game, in another park , in another country!

My being completely honest with my Sir has resulted in a relationship that i feel couldn't be improved. There were times when i consciously thought about not being honest, but that was fear talking. I was uncomfortable exposing myself that much - but the right choice paid off in time and intimacy. We are "real" with each other.

I'm sure there is an analogy with the Velveteen Rabbit in there somewhere, but i can't grasp it right now - not enough tea in my system yet- lol

(in reply to lanie38)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: -=How To Begin a Successful Power Exhcange=- - 6/23/2008 6:51:02 AM   
accipitres


Posts: 70
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kiwisub12

As for anything else ( how i look when i cry, what that 20 pounds did to my butt) i felt was irrelevent to our relationship. 


the OP said:

nothing is secret when relevant to exposing who you are, what you want, how you feel or what you do. 

(in reply to kiwisub12)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: -=How To Begin a Successful Power Exhcange=- - 6/23/2008 6:55:58 AM   
sirsholly


Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DominantJenny

quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsholly

quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

Openess, as total as possible, is one of my highest goals. A good book to read on the subject is Radical Honesty, by Brad Blanton.


psst...Level...if she ever asks you "Does this make me look fat?" radical honesty will result in serious bodily injury.  Just sayin'



Slight hijack, but I am tired of this joke being taken too seriously. If I ask someone if I look fat...then I want the answer. If I DON'T want the answer, then it's my OWN DAMN FAULT for asking the question. Period.
(No, I don't ask the question, or at least not that way. I have asked my partner if a top that was borderline was actually too tight, and expected and recieved an honest answer. I don't need to ask the question; I KNOW I look fat, because I AM fat.)

Sorry. Pet peeve.


First ..it was a joke. Asking your partner a question such as that is a waste of time (or it should be). I can tell Sir i am having a bad hair day, was in such a hurry i didn't get a chance to put on make-up, etc. and he will look at me as if i am nuts. He doesn't see what i see...

So...as for total exposure...no thanks. I prefer to keep some things which i am not secure about to myself...


_____________________________

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TECHNO-DOLT
MEMBER OF THE SUBBIE MAFIA
GRACEFULLY CHALLENGED :::::splat:::::
BOOT WHORE
VAA/S FAN

GIVES GOOD HEART (Lushy)

CREATOR OF MAYHEM (practice)


(in reply to DominantJenny)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: -=How To Begin a Successful Power Exhcange=- - 6/23/2008 7:56:29 AM   
Owner4SexSlave


Posts: 1311
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline 		You can start a power exchange relationship or any relationship at any point in the game.  It takes awhile for two people to really get to know one another.

It's what two people feel comfortable about doing.  Some people don't want to know everything there is to know about you.   Then again, there are times when I don't want to know everything there is about another person.

At times, just two people experiencing things naturally is a good flow in itself.  Communication on the fly kind of stuff.

If two people are serious about making a go for something, that's all it takes for the start.  Regardless how much or little they know about one another.






(in reply to ResidentSadist)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: -=How To Begin a Successful Power Exhcange=- - 6/23/2008 8:02:13 AM   
accipitres


Posts: 70
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsholly

So...as for total exposure...no thanks. I prefer to keep some things which i am not secure about to myself...



Revealing insecurities is HOT!  It gives a sadist a handle to toy with. 

Here's an example that I run into a lot of misguided (in my opinion) honesty:

I am monagamous.  I don't expect my partners to be.  But, I don't want to hear about their other sexual escapades.

Invariably, they say "But I want to be honest with you!"

Why? 

For MY benefit?   Nope.  I said I didn't want to know. 

So it is for their benefit?  So they can feel quilt-free?  Shhhesh.  Spare me your honesty, please!

(in reply to sirsholly)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: -=How To Begin a Successful Power Exhcange=- - 6/23/2008 8:15:28 AM   
beargonewild


Posts: 22716
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		I agree that both people should open up and expose parts of themselves (emotional wise) in the process of the exchanging of power between them. Yet it makes better sense to me that this process has to allowed to proceed at it's own pace and not forced. Forced in the sense that both people immediately lay themselves wide open and exposing all their fears, hopes, desires etc in a short time.


_____________________________

Do Not Rile da Chosen Bear

Promiscuous boy you already know
That I’m all yours what you waiting for?

Resident MANWHORE ~1000 Bear pts~

10 NZ points
Whips~n~Cuffs

(in reply to ResidentSadist)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: -=How To Begin a Successful Power Exhcange=- - 6/23/2008 8:22:05 AM   
MadRabbit


Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline 		I've found that most people hide things not out of malice, but because of fear of the repercussions of telling their partner. I don't think striving to be transparent is enough, but striving to take anything your partner tells you in a positive and constructive way without judgment is equally important.

If your girl tells you that she blew the starting line-up of the football team when she was in college and you get angry and call her a "dumb slut", she isn't going to be as quick to be open about blowing the bench warmers and the towel boy, too.

Edited to Add : In my relationships though, I am really quick to make it clear that transparency will be a double standard at times. 95% of the time I will share anything when asked, but there is a small percentage of the time when I decline to share things, because I want to collect more information first.

< Message edited by MadRabbit -- 6/23/2008 8:26:18 AM >

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to ResidentSadist)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: -=How To Begin a Successful Power Exhcange=- - 6/23/2008 8:36:50 AM   
Maya2001


Posts: 1656
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
Status: offline 		Well RS  .. I mostly agree based on a personal experience, he wanted a TPE relationship  with me he want me to be very open and honest about everything including how asking how I felt but  I often expressed uneasiness because he would disclose extremely  little about himself , his point of view or how he felt, his relationship pasts, his family life  ... I was told  he would tell when and if he was ready /wanted to ,  ... our discussions started online and a few times by phone due to distasnce and went on for several months  due me having to go thru 2 surgeries  ..we were to meet and then he wanted to ramp up quickly into a TPE relationship  at the core I felt he was a decent man who would not be abusive to me.. but with the length of time online and him refusing to see the person behind the master title and not expressing his own feelings .instead of feeling more comfortable as time went by and we got closer to the meet date I was growing more uneasier  which of course i admitted  and he became frustrated because he felt I was unwilling to trust him  and after my hysterectomy and my hormone levels went all to hell so my moods were all over the place when   he started discussions on how far am I willing to submit and would I be willing to let go of my limits ...very bad timing on his part  and with the prolonged period of not opening up to me and the uneasiness I was feeling of the approaching meet  all the frustration I was feeling came to a head and I blew up on him because after 4 months he was still some online stranger I knew him no better than I did when I first talking to him yet he was demanding I should trust him and be ready let go of all my limits, which of course resulted in me being reprimanded for unacceptable behaviour and disciplined which caused me to fly off the handle again ... which brought everything to a crashing halt.

Had he opened up instead of putting up fortress walls around himself ..he likely would have inspired confidence in me to trust him ..he did finally did let me see a glimpse a month or so afterward thru a brief email exchange but by then damage was already done.

and don't get me wrong  I feel he has the ability to be extremely  gifted in a TPE relationship and could do it great justice just the beginning is rocky and I think he viewed exposing himself as a display of weakness...so was very adamant about not going there

I did not view myself as being well suited to a total power exchange relationship which I had expressed to him right at the beginning... I had spent close to 25 years on my own raising a child, supporting myself being the decision maker so am extremely independent rarely ever turning to others for advice .. nor was I willing to relocate, give up my job and retirement pension and benefits, giving up seeing my child, grandchildren on a regular basis, my home and country   but I guess he had hoped over time he could change my feelings about ...inorder to get me to that point ..it would have taken a helluva immense mental/emotional connection, security  and  trust and patience on his part as I would have to make huge sacrifices that could leave me in an extremely bad situation if the relationship failed , they are not things that can be  demanded it has to be inspired to gain that very deep level to trust and bond for me to know he  would never let me down even if things got a bit bumpy during the process....so he would have to lay himself open  and make himself vunerable inorder to inspire that kind of bond.

In a TPE relationship where I don't have to make close to as many sacrifices  to where if it  ends and would not cause  severe hardship or personal damage, then  I would not need/require the same level of vulnerability on his part ...would it be beneficial to the relationship?  most likely....  but not as necessary inorder to be functional. 


_____________________________

Lead me not into temptation - I can find the way myself

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Profile   Post #: 36
RE: -=How To Begin a Successful Power Exhcange=- - 6/23/2008 6:32:20 PM   
devoutHeretic


Posts: 59
Joined: 3/26/2007
Status: offline 		power exchange is one word
3 little letters


yes

(in reply to ResidentSadist)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: -=How To Begin a Successful Power Exhcange=- - 6/24/2008 2:19:21 AM   
ExSteelAgain


Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline 		Having the luxury of reading the excellent replies already posted, Accipitres appears to have the most realistic handle on the subject. It's impossible to transmit every little thought we have. You get the major points across depending on how well you know the other and what stage you are in the relationship. As you get to know the other more, things start to interest you about each other, plus you realize what is important.

The OP has a noble idea, but it is like a 1940s movie where everything is black and white. Come to find out personal philosophy and people are much more complex and multicolored like a spectrum graph. There are no absolute right and wrongs.

No one really ever divulges everything because you have no idea what is significant to the other. That's like saying you never tell a lie when in fact we all do to some extent. The key is to try to find what is important to the other and talk about it while keeping all the common sense reservations.

A Dom demanding his submissive tell him everything may have ulterior motives and until trust is built, she is not using common sense to let him know some things. Some Doms have been known to tell things about former partners you know.

_____________________________

You can paint a cinder block bright pastel pink, but it's still a cinder block. (By Me.)

(in reply to accipitres)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: -=How To Begin a Successful Power Exhcange=- - 6/24/2008 5:57:23 AM   
celticlord2112


Posts: 5732
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

No. Few sounds are sweeter than a woman's voice..... *usually* So, maybe keep them naked all the time, instead.

That's my policy.  Fewer no-win questions about clothes and much nicer scenery.


_____________________________



(in reply to Level)
Profile   Post #: 39
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