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punishment "how should I respond?" - 6/24/2008 6:57:21 AM   
hallieB


Posts: 63
Joined: 5/7/2008
Status: offline 		I have been in this lifestyle for a very short time. My Master has been very patient with me. I seem to be struggling on some issues and keep making the same mistakes and I believe discipline is about to come into our relationship. I would like some feed back on how I am expected to handle punishment. How do I keep from pouting or getting angry with him when he disciplines me?
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RE: punishment "how should I respond?" - 6/24/2008 6:58:53 AM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline 		Stop making the same mistakes and then there will be no punishments.

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RE: punishment "how should I respond?" - 6/24/2008 7:10:31 AM   
BRNaughtyAngel


Posts: 1821
Status: offline 		New relationships are generally full of bumps in the road as we learn each other and what's expected of us.

Discipline doesn't just mean punishment, it means training to act in accordance with rules, etc.  That takes time, especially when you are breaking out of old habits and behaviors, and learning new ones that please him.  That falls on both of your shoulders, and communication is vital to success.

I don't know what mistakes you continue to make, but the two of you need to figure out what the problem is and fix it.  Punishment may or may not be appropriate.

Punishments can vary wildly depending on the offense, the individuals and their relationship.  How you handle it is completely up to you, but I would suggest that the two of you need to have a good sit down talk about what's going on and how to correct it. 

(in reply to hallieB)
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RE: punishment "how should I respond?" - 6/24/2008 7:12:04 AM   
ShiftedJewel


Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline 		My advice would be to learn from it. Not as easy as it sounds, I know. The same mistakes you keep making? Maybe you should dig deep and try and figure out why you keep doing that? Maybe write it out, detail the mistakes you keep repeating and maybe a pattern will appear that you can work on.
 
To keep from getting angry or resentful? Chances are that you can't avoid those emotions, but you can decide to deal with them in an adult manor.
 
Jewel

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RE: punishment "how should I respond?" - 6/24/2008 7:16:46 AM   
SweetNika


Posts: 955
Joined: 4/19/2008
From: Forest Hills, Maryland
Status: offline 		Punishment is correcting behavior. It is an imposed penalty for the slave/sub for being found displeasing. Punishment focuses on behavior, intentional or not. For me to serve and to do so fully I must have clear cut expectations and know the consequences of not meeting those expectations.  I also would sit down down with my owner if I saw I was having an issue with one specific rule and discuss it with him and perhaps together we could figure out why I was, only when I understood the reasons behind it would I be able to change the behavior and would punishment actually work.
 
Blessed be,
Nika

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Nika


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RE: punishment "how should I respond?" - 6/24/2008 7:17:36 AM   
laura2161


Posts: 254
Joined: 3/8/2008
From: Duluth, GA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hallieB

I have been in this lifestyle for a very short time. My Master has been very patient with me. I seem to be struggling on some issues and keep making the same mistakes and I believe discipline is about to come into our relationship. I would like some feed back on how I am expected to handle punishment. How do I keep from pouting or getting angry with him when he disciplines me?


Pouting is counter-productive as well as getting angry with him. Look at yourself and try to figure out why it is you keep making the same mistakes, and then make a conscious effort to stop it. He's your Master, Your his submissive but only you can stop your (bad) behavior.

As for how your expected to handle the punishment, Only your Master can answer that. Seriously. Not one person here can tell you what he expects of you. If you're not sure why he is bringing in a punishment dynamic then I would suggest you ask him exacly what he wants to accomplish- Maybe then it will be easier for you to get to the bottom of your 'same mistakes'.

I wish you both well :-)


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RE: punishment "how should I respond?" - 6/24/2008 7:21:22 AM   
MissEnchanted


Posts: 510
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hallieB

I have been in this lifestyle for a very short time. My Master has been very patient with me. I seem to be struggling on some issues and keep making the same mistakes and I believe discipline is about to come into our relationship. I would like some feed back on how I am expected to handle punishment. How do I keep from pouting or getting angry with him when he disciplines me?

Another thing to be aware of here: Some 'mistakes' are inherent in your nature. If you were more specific about exactly what the mistakes are: I could answer more fully.

I have a sub with PTSD. That means he will be forgetful or dither.

We cannot 'cure' that with anything. It just is. We work around those things.

For instance: If the repeated mistakes are related to a serious trigger: fine tune and get very specific about how to handle it. Working together and talking things through as you go is what makes it fly.

What are your 'repeated' mistakes?

If they are just bad habits, good habits can take time to train in.
If they are 'too much information/instructions/orders in too short a time period to absorb and obey: move more slowly and take one thing at a time.

If you have the attitude of serving and are serving someone who is 'right' for you things will smooth out.

If your Dom is really there for you he will talk these things through with you, and help you get them sorted out.

If you feel you are being improperly punished, speak up.

You may pout or feel angry. Sometimes you feel that way. It is what you DO when you feel those things that are important. If you decide to grow and learn, it's all good.

It is early and I am on my first cuppa coffee, so I may have missed something obvious here. <wink>

< Message edited by MissEnchanted -- 6/24/2008 7:23:42 AM >

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RE: punishment "how should I respond?" - 6/24/2008 7:21:52 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

Original:  Hallieb
How do I keep from pouting or getting angry with him when he disciplines me?

OK, this is a really simple answer.  You've, in fact, already said it properly.  Think of it like this... the submission goals that you are currently not succeeding at.  Who's goals are those?  Yours or his?  If they are his goals, then you need to stop and reconsider what you're doing entirely.  One does not submit in order to meet someone else's goals.  If you don't have your own goals around submission, then you need to stop and ask yourself why you're doing all this?  Submission is not, in and of itself, a goal.  If it was, you wouldn't read all the stories about bad doms since, after all, the sub got to submit so it all must've been fine, right?

Once you have taken control of your own submission by owning it as your own choice to reach your own goals, then you need to relook at punishment.  Punishmnet is not some random expression of anger on the part of your dom so he can vent.  It is a training device... one which will help you to reach YOUR OWN goals if used properly.  Seen like this, punishment is a service your dom provides you to help you... not some negative thing he does to you because he's angry.  A very experienced and very stern Dom once snapped it all into focus for me with this simple statement... "9 times out of 10, when I am punishing my slave, she asked for the punishment, not me."

If you haven't reached that level in your own power exchange dynamic, then it would be wise to reconsider whether punishment is appropriate at this stage.  Remember, punishment is only appropriate if it forwards the training goal of the relationship.  And punishment that cannot be interpretred properly by both dom and sub as a loving gesture designed to help the relationship move forward seems to me to be more destructive than constructive.  Don't fall into the trap of thinking that "We must not be real if Master hasn't punished me with some sort of corporal punishment."  There's no eagle scout badge given for getting or giving corporal punishment.

In the end, it ALL comes down to what forwards the goals of the relationship.  If being punished does not do that right now, then it's the wrong move.  Keep your eyes on the ball.

(in reply to Aileen1968)
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RE: punishment "how should I respond?" - 6/24/2008 7:43:13 AM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

quote:

Original:  Hallieb
How do I keep from pouting or getting angry with him when he disciplines me?

OK, this is a really simple answer.  You've, in fact, already said it properly.  Think of it like this... the submission goals that you are currently not succeeding at.  Who's goals are those?  Yours or his?  If they are his goals, then you need to stop and reconsider what you're doing entirely.  One does not submit in order to meet someone else's goals.  If you don't have your own goals around submission, then you need to stop and ask yourself why you're doing all this?  Submission is not, in and of itself, a goal.  If it was, you wouldn't read all the stories about bad doms since, after all, the sub got to submit so it all must've been fine, right?

Once you have taken control of your own submission by owning it as your own choice to reach your own goals, then you need to relook at punishment.  Punishmnet is not some random expression of anger on the part of your dom so he can vent.  It is a training device... one which will help you to reach YOUR OWN goals if used properly.  Seen like this, punishment is a service your dom provides you to help you... not some negative thing he does to you because he's angry.  A very experienced and very stern Dom once snapped it all into focus for me with this simple statement... "9 times out of 10, when I am punishing my slave, she asked for the punishment, not me."

If you haven't reached that level in your own power exchange dynamic, then it would be wise to reconsider whether punishment is appropriate at this stage.  Remember, punishment is only appropriate if it forwards the training goal of the relationship.  And punishment that cannot be interpretred properly by both dom and sub as a loving gesture designed to help the relationship move forward seems to me to be more destructive than constructive.  Don't fall into the trap of thinking that "We must not be real if Master hasn't punished me with some sort of corporal punishment."  There's no eagle scout badge given for getting or giving corporal punishment.

In the end, it ALL comes down to what forwards the goals of the relationship.  If being punished does not do that right now, then it's the wrong move.  Keep your eyes on the ball.


I think there is an element of choice in how one interprets punishment...
acceptance vs anger for example.

(in reply to leadership527)
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RE: punishment "how should I respond?" - 6/24/2008 7:50:42 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

How do I keep from pouting or getting angry with him when he disciplines me?


appreciate it.
 
Master comes from the perspective that if it gets to the point where punishment is necessary, we have BOTH failed.  We discuss it, punishment is administered, this slave thanks Him for it, and it is over.  we both move on---it is NOT a hot, enjoyable scene.
 
this slave is grateful for correction and takes it in the spirit for which it is intended, to correct unwanted behavior(s), which therefore makes her a better slave for Master and a better partner in our relationship.
 
for this slave, getting angry or pouting about it would be counter-productive, and not what she signed up for.

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RE: punishment "how should I respond?" - 6/24/2008 8:15:32 AM   
softness


Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

quote:

How do I keep from pouting or getting angry with him when he disciplines me?


appreciate it.
 
Master comes from the perspective that if it gets to the point where punishment is necessary, we have BOTH failed.  We discuss it, punishment is administered, this slave thanks Him for it, and it is over.  we both move on---it is NOT a hot, enjoyable scene.
 
this slave is grateful for correction and takes it in the spirit for which it is intended, to correct unwanted behavior(s), which therefore makes her a better slave for Master and a better partner in our relationship.
 
for this slave, getting angry or pouting about it would be counter-productive, and not what she signed up for.


absolutely agree ... 100%

I would also add, the bit underlined is crucial. If you have been actually given every opportunity to succeed, if your Dom has sat down with you and explained what he wants and how you are to do it, and you have not listened, or not been attentive or not paid attention - then that is one thing. If his expectations have not been make crystal clear to you, and he has not given you the equipment to succeed, then no amount of punishment is going to "cure" the behaviour.

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RE: punishment "how should I respond?" - 6/24/2008 8:22:58 AM   
littleone35


Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline 		The way i see punishment is for a serious infraction.  Displine is to correct  smething that does not please him.  I have only been punished once (that was more then enough) I have been displined a few times. 

The reason i don't pout or get angry is that i know he will not displne me if i did not need it.  He will not do it just for kicks.  I "earned' all my displines.  The thing i always remember is that he did not love me he would not bother to displine me.  He does love me therfore he displine me so i can be a better sub for it.  Then it is over i learn from it and we move past it.

So if you are displined learn from it and move forward once its over its over.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
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RE: punishment "how should I respond?" - 6/24/2008 8:47:11 AM   
beargonewild


Posts: 22716
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hallieB

I have been in this lifestyle for a very short time. My Master has been very patient with me. I seem to be struggling on some issues and keep making the same mistakes and I believe discipline is about to come into our relationship. I would like some feed back on how I am expected to handle punishment. How do I keep from pouting or getting angry with him when he disciplines me?


First thing is learn from the reasoning behind why you are being punished and learn from the actual punishment. I don't know if you'll be forewarned on the type of punishment you may receive though chances are you may experience a wide range of emotions from anger, shame, rage, regret etc. Having these feelings is okay yet acting on pure emotions isn't and defeat the purpose in the end. Often we tend to repeat the same mistakes over and over, it is okay to ask for help to learn not to repeat but to learn and grow as a person, as part of a relationship and as a submissive in our d/s dynamic.


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RE: punishment "how should I respond?" - 6/24/2008 8:54:57 AM   
MissSCD


Posts: 1185
Joined: 3/10/2007
Status: offline 		Just grin and bear it. 
 
Regards, MissSCD

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RE: punishment "how should I respond?" - 6/24/2008 9:17:28 AM   
lally3


Posts: 595
Joined: 3/4/2008
Status: offline 		try looking at it another way... 

lets just suppose you tell your Dom that from here on there is no discipline and no punishment... how would that affect your relationship do you think, eventually, not today, but in a months time, after youve repeatedly made the same mistakes and got Him really pissed off but unable to sanction you in any way atall.........  ?

if you look at discipline and punishment as that ultimate and awful place you really dont want to visit but is the thing that stops the power struggles and keeps those ultimate boundaries in place, then discipline/punishment just becomes part of the control you gave your Dominant and that he assumes he can fall back on, if all else fails.

in a way, in a peverse way, and lets face it, we are all fairly peverse - discipline and punishment could be seen as the D/s relationships friend.  it cuts through the crap and stops it from hitting the fan - so, to stop you pouting and being cross - just remember how it would end up being without it - really.

to be honest, if i didnt have those boundaries out there, that nebulous threat - id push and push and push until he put those boundaries back.  i need them and i need them to be reinforced or they might just as well not be there.

< Message edited by lally3 -- 6/24/2008 9:18:43 AM >

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RE: punishment "how should I respond?" - 6/24/2008 9:33:12 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

quote:

How do I keep from pouting or getting angry with him when he disciplines me?


appreciate it.
 
Master comes from the perspective that if it gets to the point where punishment is necessary, we have BOTH failed.  We discuss it, punishment is administered, this slave thanks Him for it, and it is over.  we both move on---it is NOT a hot, enjoyable scene.
 
this slave is grateful for correction and takes it in the spirit for which it is intended, to correct unwanted behavior(s), which therefore makes her a better slave for Master and a better partner in our relationship.
 
for this slave, getting angry or pouting about it would be counter-productive, and not what she signed up for.


Ditto, Ditto, Ditto!

If my Master chooses to take the time to discipline me, it is to teach me and help me get it right.  He does not enjoy punishing me - it is a practice that brings enjoyment and pleasure to neither of us.

To the OP, Are you on the same team or opposing teams?  Do you trust his will and the choices he makes for you, or are you going to oppose him by being angry, resentful and pouty?

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Good is the enemy of great.

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RE: punishment "how should I respond?" - 6/24/2008 9:37:26 AM   
celticlord2112


Posts: 5732
Status: offline
quote:

How do I keep from pouting or getting angry with him when he disciplines me?

If you acknowledge the mistake, then why be angry about the correction?

If you acknowledge his authority, then why be angry about him correcting?

He is master, you are slave.   If you acknowledge this, where is there anger for being punished?


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RE: punishment "how should I respond?" - 6/24/2008 2:16:15 PM   
SweetNika


Posts: 955
Joined: 4/19/2008
From: Forest Hills, Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

quote:

How do I keep from pouting or getting angry with him when he disciplines me?


appreciate it.
 
Master comes from the perspective that if it gets to the point where punishment is necessary, we have BOTH failed.  We discuss it, punishment is administered, this slave thanks Him for it, and it is over.  we both move on---it is NOT a hot, enjoyable scene.
 
this slave is grateful for correction and takes it in the spirit for which it is intended, to correct unwanted behavior(s), which therefore makes her a better slave for Master and a better partner in our relationship.
 
for this slave, getting angry or pouting about it would be counter-productive, and not what she signed up for.


beth I LOVE how you said this!

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Blessed be,
Nika


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RE: punishment "how should I respond?" - 6/24/2008 4:42:35 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

appreciate it.
 
Master comes from the perspective that if it gets to the point where punishment is necessary, we have BOTH failed.  We discuss it, punishment is administered, this slave thanks Him for it, and it is over.  we both move on---it is NOT a hot, enjoyable scene.
 
this slave is grateful for correction and takes it in the spirit for which it is intended, to correct unwanted behavior(s), which therefore makes her a better slave for Master and a better partner in our relationship.
 
for this slave, getting angry or pouting about it would be counter-productive, and not what she signed up for.


Beautifully put

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: punishment "how should I respond?" - 6/24/2008 7:40:28 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Ask him if he wants you to pretend not to be angry if you feel punished unfairly.

We don't have a punishment dynamic. It makes me put up a wall emotionally. It also doesn't help me magically learn a skill. If you've spent 30 years doing something in the exact same way, it takes a lot more than him telling you a couple of times to do it differently before the new way becomes habit.

How much has he researched about how people learn? Has he observed in detail you making the mistake? Is there no way for him to interrupt the process and help you start over doing it the new way.

For example, someone who doesn't wear a seat belt in the car. She could be beaten two hours after she gets home which doesn't connect the beating to the action, or she could be given a cardboard sign saying buckle to lean against the steering wheel every time she leaves the car. Guess which works best on changing habits?

Hitting somebody is easy, teaching is a lot harder.

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Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to leadership527)
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