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Raising the Subject - 11/6/2005 7:13:39 AM

DB

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Joined: 11/6/2005
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It's one thing talking to like-minded individuals (e.g. on CollarMe), but how do you raise the subject of a liking for bondage on a "normal" date? If it's something that's important to you, you owe it to yourself and them to raise it early but how do you do this without sending her/him running off screaming "axe murderer, pervert etc., etc"?

Post #: 1

RE: Raising the Subject - 11/6/2005 7:23:01 AM

Delvin

Posts: 151
Joined: 8/23/2005
From: Texas
Status: offline

The Library, local museum, art galleries all have depictions of "bondage" in different forms. Simply walking by and looking and seeing their expression may give you a clue to speak more on the subject. This is a more intimate discussion so unless you are close to that point now, I personally would wait and see how the "dating" goes before saying, "I love when a girl is in the doggie position", or, "hmm that rope would look great against the your skin".

:)

D

(in reply to DB)

Post #: 2

RE: Raising the Subject - 11/6/2005 7:45:32 AM

MasterHyde

Posts: 127
Joined: 4/10/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline

Honestly, I find it best to raise the issue BEFORE we get on our first date. The bondage and SM play are important, but even more so, we need to have compatible personalities. For me, that means finding a submissive woman. I don't require to have experience, but I do need her to at least have some awareness of what this is, and to have identified her own desire to submit. So I tell people early on that I'm dominant, and that some people would consider me a pervert. More often than not, that stirs some curiosity in the girl and leads to an interesting conversation. If she runs away at that point, then she's probably not right for me.

_____________________________

Master Hyde
A self-righteous, poly, dominant, possessive control freak with strong paternal tendencies and a sadistic inner child

(in reply to DB)

Post #: 3

RE: Raising the Subject - 11/6/2005 8:02:47 AM

DB

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Joined: 11/6/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterHyde

Honestly, I find it best to raise the issue BEFORE we get on our first date.

Interesting. What do you say exactly? "I'm a dominant" and then go on to explain it if she doesn't know what it means?

(in reply to MasterHyde)

Post #: 4

RE: Raising the Subject - 11/6/2005 8:06:51 AM

MrDiscipline44

Posts: 1776
Joined: 1/5/2005
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Well DB, one way is to just talk about things you two may or may not have in common and slowly, slowly bring up sex and then your kink. This is usually done around the third or forth date. Maybe the second if there is a strong physical connection or the first if its for nothing but the sex. Bring on too much, too soon will no doubt scare the potential partner. Of course, in todays "all about me" society, people are looking for what will gratify them in the quickest way possible. So they may just want to talk about this on the first date so as not to be freaked out when you pull out the ropes later and say "I want you to tie this to my __________."

Another way to introduce it is to wait until you are truely sexually active to bring it up as something fun to do. This works if your not into extreme types of play. Light bondage, toys and playful spanking, etc. People are much more willing to try something when they're sexually aroused.

In personal opinion, you should talk openly with the person about your kinks as soon as possible so as to properly gauge whether they're open to it or not. This way one does not get too emotionally invested with a person only to be hurt in the end. Taking them here or there to gauge their reaction does not always work because not everyone shows their true feelings about something on the outside.

_____________________________

If you love somebody, you have to be willing to break them.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

Have you slapped your slave today?

(in reply to DB)

Post #: 5

RE: Raising the Subject - 11/6/2005 8:06:53 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

like-minded individuals (e.g. on CollarMe), but how do you raise the subject of a liking for bondage on a "normal" date?

DB,
Always found that an honest representation of who I was worked best. You know, like posting an accurate age or relationship goal as part of a posted profile. That way, people can know you are confident in who you are, what you seek, and why you seek it.

When you meet someone in person the commitment to honesty also works best. Unless you are looking just to get laid. But even then, is the first thing you discuss with a new partner your desire for anal sex? "Hi, nice meeting, you did you bring the KY?"; will generate the same as, "Glad to meet you, now take off your shirt so I can put on these nipple clamps." If that's your goal in either case, you're more likely to find success with a "pro".

Better to have a goal of getting to know the person, and getting them to know you. The anal sex, the BDSM session, and the relationship you seek are much more fulfilling.

(in reply to DB)

Post #: 6

RE: Raising the Subject - 11/6/2005 8:08:45 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

I don't go on dates with vanillas if they don't know who I am in kink. So at that point they would already be a close and open-minded friend of mine.

If you date a nilla and want to come out to them, if you're just starting out, I'd say take the risk and just bring it up directly. First date means low risk and low loss. I'm sure it would be easy to slip it in when you get to the "so what do you like to do for fun?" part of the conversation. "Well, one thing I really like is sensually tying a girl down and letting her relax in bed"

Put a good spin on it so that it sounds like the other partner is the one having the good end of the deal.

(in reply to DB)

Post #: 7

RE: Raising the Subject - 11/8/2005 12:49:15 AM

DB

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Joined: 11/6/2005
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Thanks for the valuable words of advice folks. As a related question, I've noticed some rough correlations (based on Internet publishing) between people's other interests and a liking for bondage. Some examples; sci-fi, re-enactment (especially medieval), magic, motorcycles. Not very scientific, I grant, but do you think there might be something in it?

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 8

RE: Raising the Subject - 11/8/2005 2:38:57 AM

SadistDave

Posts: 801
Joined: 3/11/2005
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Actually DB, I don't think you have much of a connection there. I think what you're more likely to find is that there is minimal crossover in more of a reverse of your thinking. For instance, a non-BDSM oriented male into having anal strap-on sex might find more luck looking for a Mistress than listing it as an interest on EHarmony.

I think you'll find that more people in BDSM are likely to enjoy motorcycles because of the leather goods than motorcyclists who wear leather to attract BDSM partners. Just because Medieval re-enactors wear corsets, doesn't mean they have a dungeon in their basement. However, many submissive females go to renaissance fairs to find decent corsets.

I think that what you're more likely to find is that people who have immersed themselves in any lifestyle will know people from all walks of life who are also in that lifestyle. Among other things, I know doctors, lawyers, photographers, computer programmers and sales clerks in the lifestyle. That does not mean that every doctor, lawyer, photographer, computer programmer or sales clerk is a kinkster.

-SD-

(in reply to DB)

Post #: 9

RE: Raising the Subject - 11/8/2005 3:41:21 AM

fyreredsub

Posts: 3403
Joined: 10/7/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DB

Thanks for the valuable words of advice folks. As a related question, I've noticed some rough correlations (based on Internet publishing) between people's other interests and a liking for bondage. Some examples; sci-fi, re-enactment (especially medieval), magic, motorcycles. Not very scientific, I grant, but do you think there might be something in it?

thats why the new interests lists here are kewl,lol.........i have a few of those checked but they dont have a check for harleys........i wonder how much one could get in federal grant monies to do a study?

_____________________________

"Accordingly, men must then either fulfill their nature, or deny it, and in denying their nature, deny us ours, for ours is the complement to theirs. " Renegades

(in reply to DB)

Post #: 10

RE: Raising the Subject - 11/8/2005 5:34:05 AM

TsPet

Posts: 7
Joined: 7/2/2004
Status: offline

Interesting question. When my boyfriend and I started talking in depth, I wasnt into BDSM or at least I had no formal knowledge of it but knew I had certain fantasies and that my experiences were better if I was not the boss in the bedroom. After several conversations, I turned the direction toward sex and came right out and asked him if he was the "take charge" type. Knowing what I know now (that he is a dominant) I can imagine his restraint when he simply answered "yes" because he didnt want to scare me away. For him, he knew he wanted to be with me whether I was into BDSM or not but fortunately it has worked out wonderfully for both of us.

DB, this might be a good approach for you to find out if a potential love interest is submissive. Ask her if she likes her mate to be in control. You can judge her reaction and take it from there.

(in reply to fyreredsub)

Post #: 11

RE: Raising the Subject - 11/8/2005 6:12:21 AM

SirSix72

Posts: 347
Joined: 7/14/2005
Status: offline

Greetings,

I am always up fromt with my lifestyle choices with any given person that has presented an interest with me...if they run off screaming then OH WELL there are more fish in the sea

Master Six

_____________________________

I wish you well

(in reply to DB)

Post #: 12

RE: Raising the Subject - 11/8/2005 7:21:40 AM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

Although I'm up front with my lifestyle most of the time, I do have to deal socially with a largish number of people who are on the surface, vanilla. I have found that two subjects will get conversations going in the lifestyle directions though. If your timeing is right and you have established a good rapore with the folks you are with, many will enjoy discussing fantacies and sex games. It is only a small step to introduce the lifestyle into the conversation ion a general way. Supprising how many people show interest in finding out more. It's fun watching how many get hot under the collar and probably wet in the knickers when you casually mention placing a female over your knee to spank her. Even more so if you casually comment about lifting her skirt and even removing her knickers to spank a bare arse..... When I was single, this used to be a valuable pickup conversation. if she was horrified I changed the subject and moved on but if she was interested thet I was in like flint.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to SirSix72)

Post #: 13

RE: Raising the Subject - 11/8/2005 7:34:46 AM

wipmebeetme100

Posts: 198
Joined: 7/31/2005
Status: offline

quote:

but how do you raise the subject of a liking for bondage on a "normal" date?

A "normal' date is with someone who is into WIITWD. I do not, will not date someone unless they to, do WIITWD.

cathy

_____________________________

Happiness is like peeing your pants: Everyone can see it, but only you can feel its warmth
~Unknown

(in reply to DB)

Post #: 14

RE: Raising the Subject - 11/8/2005 9:26:30 AM

lonewolf05

Posts: 830
Joined: 6/21/2005
Status: offline

wellll doggies........

in MY eyes....i assume everyone "I" am around are matured adults,.......and if i am thinking there is going to be some hanky panky.......i just ask the lil lassie,...whispering in her ear...

"is there anything kinky you like?" and or..."how do ya feel about some kinky things in life?"

but hell.......i always was a straight forward up front kinda guy.......never was the shy type....

wolf

_____________________________

"there is no gravity, life sucks!"

(in reply to DB)

Post #: 15

RE: Raising the Subject - 11/8/2005 12:54:07 PM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

It's one thing talking to like-minded individuals (e.g. on CollarMe), but how do you raise the subject of a liking for bondage on a "normal" date? If it's something that's important to you, you owe it to yourself and them to raise it early but how do you do this without sending her/him running off screaming "axe murderer, pervert etc., etc"?

The way I used to do it was when someone asked me on a date, I'd say something along the lines of well I should have been born a century ago. Do you agree with my beliefs? Of course they would then ask for clarification. I'd tell them how the man was the man. The woman had her duties to the man...etc. Typical 1800's relationship.
Which I would get a definitive answer yes or no. If it was yes. Then I would take the turn into a sexual atmopshere. How about bondage? Do you like that? Most people have tried it in the past. It isn't exactly a taboo subject anymore.
How would you like to be able to command a blow job anytime you wanted it within reason?
I never met a man who said he would not try the lifestyle to date me.
Of course, very few made it through my radar. So, I don't have a good success rate to tell you about. If I had went out with more, if I had more of an attraction to any of these people I'd have more to tell.
Since I didn't and I didn't want to lower my limits...I don't.

(in reply to DB)

Post #: 16

RE: Raising the Subject - 11/8/2005 3:32:31 PM

candystripper

Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline

quote:

When I was single, this used to be a valuable pickup conversation. if she was horrified I changed the subject and moved on but if she was interested thet I was in like flint.

IronBear

ROFL; it's that Aussie accent, Sir.

candystripper

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 17

RE: Raising the Subject - 11/8/2005 4:47:49 PM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: candystripper

quote:

When I was single, this used to be a valuable pickup conversation. if she was horrified I changed the subject and moved on but if she was interested thet I was in like flint.

IronBear

ROFL; it's that Aussie accent, Sir.

candystripper

Probably yet i find accents ammusing. If I've had one or three sherbets, I'm told that mu accent changes to one typical of a Sloan Ranger (terribly Brit upper class), yet when I spend time with any of my mates from the US and especially the Rebs (Most of whome still have the Stars and Bars tattoed on their souls), I find the deep Southern Drawl creaping into my speach. When I'm with some eastern European friends I can hear the more gutteral edge creaping into my voice and the "V" and "W" transposing certainly I've never had the Paul Hogan Aussie "Strine" accent but mine tends to make folks believe I wasn't born in Australia.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to candystripper)

Post #: 18

RE: Raising the Subject - 11/8/2005 5:13:23 PM

BoundAndBehaved

Posts: 4
Joined: 11/7/2005
Status: offline

I treat bdsm like being in AA, which I am. I am an addict and an alcoholic. I feel like this is something major about my life. It is who I am. I think the most important information. If are going to like me, then you are going to like everything about me. You dont have to agree with it, but accept it. If someone asks me what I am into and I say..well sometimes I like to sit around the house with my breasts wrapped up in rope with clothes pins attached to my skin. If they look at me like I have lobsters crawling out of my nose, then I know it wont work out. If you want to be with me, you have to be with ALL of me.

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 19

RE: Raising the Subject - 11/9/2005 12:17:03 AM

MadameDahlia

Posts: 2021
Joined: 8/11/2004
From: SoCal aka Hell
Status: offline

I find it highly important to be compatible with someone in all important matters (religion, politics, etc.) The Lifestyle, WIIWD or whatever you wish to call it is definitely not an exception to this rule. I lay my cards out on the table the moment someone makes their interest known. Nine times out of ten the people I speak to/with already know who and what I am so it isn't an issue.

_____________________________

Insanity -- a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world.
--R. D. Laing

"Oh, but if I went 'round sayin' I was Emperor, just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away."

(in reply to BoundAndBehaved)

Post #: 20

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