RE: Married

RE: Married (Full Version)

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LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Married (11/7/2005 8:13:13 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: tonypad I guess it depends on whether or not you put kids before the marriage or not. In some cases people are willing to leave their vanilla spouse and break up the relationship with their kids. Others are unwilling to leave their kids even at the risk of having a less-than-perfect marriage. Let me also say that on a topic like this we should be listening to the people who have experienced it. Many things are easier said than done. Which is ridiculous because putting the kids before the marriage sometimes means its best to end the marriage. I don't see why ending a marriage breaks up the relationship with their kids- it's how it's handled that matters. Staying together "for the kids" just sends the wrong message to kids about how to make life choices and changes.

Mercnbeth -> RE: Married (11/7/2005 8:28:29 AM)
quote: How many here would scene with a married Dom/ Domme that's spouse does not know about it? Not unless Master demanded it, which this slave believes to be extremely UNLIKELY.

justatoy2 -> RE: Married (11/7/2005 9:21:20 AM)
this idea to preserve a less than perfect marriage for the kids sake kills me. Kids are very perceptive. They can pick up when mom and dad don't get along. It also makes me think is that how you want to be an example for your children? Is that the kind of relationship you want your children to think is ideal? I understand people get married and drift apart. But for a Dom who is supposed to be in control of his own life, how can you possibly be in control when you are too afraid to confront your wife on something this big. Look i've been in that situation. I have been the one who was cheating on my spouse, until i came clean to him. It made my marriage better. He forgave me and we now have a wonderful relationship. It was hard, and i risked alot. Would i now be with someone who was married? I would if his wife knew. Knwoing the damage i caused to my husband, i couldn't be party to that again.

luvdragonx -> RE: Married (11/7/2005 11:59:02 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: tonypad I guess it depends on whether or not you put kids before the marriage or not. In some cases people are willing to leave their vanilla spouse and break up the relationship with their kids. Others are unwilling to leave their kids even at the risk of having a less-than-perfect marriage. Let me also say that on a topic like this we should be listening to the people who have experienced it. Many things are easier said than done. (raises hand) I'm one of those experienced people.

darkinshadows -> RE: Married (11/7/2005 1:04:11 PM)
There is no 'it depends'. A lie is a lie. Trying to excuse a lie for any reason is a lack of responisbility and it shows little respect for oneself of people involved. It you commit any act, then why try to make an excuse? To try and make an excuse for a lie, is a lie to oneself - If I had the oppotunity to play or be with someone who had experienced the above and was honest about it and admited to it being a lie, at least I would know they are self aware rather than lying to themself. Peace and Love

darkinshadows -> RE: Married (11/7/2005 1:07:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: starshineowned Yes sounds about right. Wonder if they have my one way ticket to hell ready yet. starshine Happy slave of Master Delvin LoL... you make it sound as though you think I am judging you!? Thats not my place, and I also have no idea what religion you follow. It could be hell, or you could be returning some animal for all I know. Or indeed, nothing at all. Your religion doesn't feature into whether a lie is told. Like I said, morality is not what its about because each person holds their own morals. Peace and Love

darkinshadows -> RE: Married (11/7/2005 1:08:21 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: tonypad Let me also say that on a topic like this we should be listening to the people who have experienced it. Many things are easier said than done. Why? Because one does not wish to here others opinions if they do not agree? Post in an open forum, expect all manner of responses. You may not like them, but it makes them no less valid.

darkinshadows -> RE: Married (11/7/2005 1:13:25 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: luvdragonx (raises hand) I'm one of those experienced people. raises her hand also Peace and Love

windchymes -> RE: Married (11/7/2005 1:51:53 PM)
Speaking from experience.... Staying in a bad marriage "because of the kids".....because of what about the kids??? My kids were 7 & 5 when I got divorced, and I didn't remarry for 7 years. Their dad and I remained friendly and civil (not to say we didn't have our bickering at times, that's normal. ) There was no set visitation...."Can we go to Dad's?" "I don't care, call him and ask." We didn't fight over child support. Today, one is in his last year of college on an academic scholarship. The other is an automotive tech, is about to enter a management training program, and is engaged to be married to a great girl. They're both good, clean, respectful kids. Well, men. My point here is that, if you handle it right, you don't have to find yourself the parents of the proverbial "products of divorce". My other point is just mine.....I refuse to "play" with a married man. Why? Why should I? Why should the cold, frigid, misunderstanding, high-maintenance, stay-at-home, QVC queen (almost always how they're described by the seeking married dom) get the five-bedroom Colonial with inground pool, the jewelry, the credit cards, the maid service, and the Honda Odyssey, while I go back to my modest home, my full-time and part-time jobs, my used car and my lonely bed? I just don't feel it's my responsibility to make HIS life so complete. My philosophy is to either have the cake or eat it. Why should he get both? I'm sure some will come up with reasons. Let's just say I'M not going to frost the cake for him. I do want to go on record as saying I don't think "Vanilla Spouse" should be grounds for divorce. I would hope the marriage would be lacking in other ways before breaking it up is even an option to be considered. chymes

swtnsparkling -> RE: Married (11/7/2005 3:16:08 PM)
quote: If BDSM is truly a necessary facet of your life, then choosing to be honest about it - although difficult - should be worth it IMO. Agree, and for myself it was worth it. So i took that chance and i was lucky.

starshineowned -> RE: Married (11/7/2005 4:57:21 PM)
Not at all, which is why I said yep, sounds about right, which was a understanding that I know what it is. The latter of it was humor meaning that I'm able to joke with myself and move on in life. :) starshine Happy slave of Master Delvin

OsideGirl -> RE: Married (11/7/2005 9:41:03 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross Staying together "for the kids" just sends the wrong message to kids about how to make life choices and changes. As a child of parents that stayed together far too long "for my sake", trust me, it just makes your kids miserable to be living in a miserable, tense and unhappy household. If you think your kids don't notice, you're kidding yourself.

MasterRobert1 -> RE: Married (11/11/2005 3:56:15 AM)
I avoid people who have a mate and are basically cheating on that mate. If they aren't treating their lifemate properly, what chance do I stand?

plantlady64 -> RE: Married (11/11/2005 8:39:26 AM)
Hello There, For me this is definately one of my hard limits. I feel trust is vital for me to play with someone. If his own wife can't trust him to be honest how can I? I also think if he's too much of a coward to tell her what he needs and how he feels or leave he's not confident in his own self enough to scene with me to begin with. Sincerely, sub suzanne

PriapicBratt -> RE: Married (11/13/2005 10:43:38 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: tonypad I guess it depends on whether or not you put kids before the marriage or not. In some cases people are willing to leave their vanilla spouse and break up the relationship with their kids. Others are unwilling to leave their kids even at the risk of having a less-than-perfect marriage. Let me also say that on a topic like this we should be listening to the people who have experienced it. Many things are easier said than done. Yes.. many things are easier said than done. And every situation is different. I have been in a vanilla now sexless marriage for 22 years. There are a varied number of reasons I can not leave at this point but I will say my home and my family are much happier when I am involved with someone, as I am happier. Is what I am doing right? No, not to most people, but those who know me, understand why, and make no judgements.

obis -> RE: Married (11/14/2005 12:08:18 AM)
I'll throw this in for the sake of the conversation -- I happen to agree with Dan Savage in his Savage love column on this issue. While most cheaters are just assholes, unable to commit, or merely displaying symptoms of a fundamentally damaged relationship, sometimes there is just a completely legitimate reason why one person's needs cannot be met in an otherwise healthy relationship. I've even told women that I've been in long-term relationships with, that if they cheat on me, don't ever tell me because I don't want to know. As far as I'm concerned, if she's cheating, then I'm not providing something she needs.

luvdragonx -> RE: Married (11/14/2005 1:55:02 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: obis I'll throw this in for the sake of the conversation -- I happen to agree with Dan Savage in his Savage love column on this issue. While most cheaters are just assholes, unable to commit, or merely displaying symptoms of a fundamentally damaged relationship, sometimes there is just a completely legitimate reason why one person's needs cannot be met in an otherwise healthy relationship. I've even told women that I've been in long-term relationships with, that if they cheat on me, don't ever tell me because I don't want to know. As far as I'm concerned, if she's cheating, then I'm not providing something she needs. Ok, for the sake of conversation, I'll bite: Why? Wouldn't that send the message that you don't expect her to be faithful or honest? And is that really what you want - to be in a relationship with someone whose needs you (supposedly) can't meet? It doesn't seem fair to either one of you.

Nightguy -> RE: Married (11/14/2005 1:56:22 AM)
Being married myself, I feel the need to add yet another point of view on the subject. When we were younger, my wife and I played a lot in the lifestyle, and being a natural submissive she and I worked together in learning how to train her. But of course, with marriage comes kids and other responcibilities...and while the fantasy of having a naked slave girl about the house for the rest of our lives is a fun one you usually only find in stories, the reality of life decended upon us and now, many years later we are a lot more like a normal married couple than the D/s couple we tried to be when we were young. It's not to say that it is all gone, you could consider us a "private" nudist household, and generally my wife defers to me on the usualy family decisions...but it isn't what it used to me. I tell you all this, because despite this, the fire has not gone out of our marriage, the love is still there and I will NOT have anyone thinking of those things as excuses for the arrangement we now have. But my wife is okay with my dealing with other submissives as long as I keep it online. Maybe this doesn't quite fit this theme if a face to face meeting is the only definition of a "scene" that you are considering. But cam to cam with someone can be pretty intimate too. My point being, that it doesn't take a broken marriage for married people to get involved with others...sometimes it just means an agreement of the rules.

luvdragonx -> RE: Married (11/14/2005 2:04:17 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Nightguy Being married myself, I feel the need to add yet another point of view on the subject. When we were younger, my wife and I played a lot in the lifestyle, and being a natural submissive she and I worked together in learning how to train her. But of course, with marriage comes kids and other responcibilities...and while the fantasy of having a naked slave girl about the house for the rest of our lives is a fun one you usually only find in stories, the reality of life decended upon us and now, many years later we are a lot more like a normal married couple than the D/s couple we tried to be when we were young. It's not to say that it is all gone, you could consider us a "private" nudist household, and generally my wife defers to me on the usualy family decisions...but it isn't what it used to me. I tell you all this, because despite this, the fire has not gone out of our marriage, the love is still there and I will NOT have anyone thinking of those things as excuses for the arrangement we now have. But my wife is okay with my dealing with other submissives as long as I keep it online. Maybe this doesn't quite fit this theme if a face to face meeting is the only definition of a "scene" that you are considering. But cam to cam with someone can be pretty intimate too. My point being, that it doesn't take a broken marriage for married people to get involved with others...sometimes it just means an agreement of the rules. IMO, as long as everything is above board, it's not cheating. If there are established boundaries and everyone adheres to them, that just sounds like you are doing what works for you. To me, it's commendable that you would involve your wife in the decisions that affect her relationship with you. Some people don't give their spouses that option. An arrangement is just that - you shouldn't have to defend your choices when you know you're being honest. Kudos.

NakedOnMyChain -> RE: Married (11/14/2005 2:18:45 AM)
quote: How many here would scene with a married Dom/ Domme that's spouse does not know about it? I wouldn't. I suppose you could say it's one of my "hard limits". I've been on both ends of the cheating spectrum, and didn't enjoy either of them. I know how badly it hurts to have your significant other be unfaithful, and I wouldn't want to cause that kind of pain for anyone. Sure, many people will argue 'but they're going to do it anyway'. Well, alright, let them. I, personally, wouldn't want to contribute to someone else's heartache. Stuff like that hardly ever turns out well.

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