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Question regarding strictness and Dominance - 6/25/2008 8:51:44 PM   
punkass86


Posts: 7
Joined: 11/13/2007
Status: offline 		Although I no longer consider myself a new Dom, I still consider myself young in this lifestyle. I am personally a laid back guy outside of the bedroom, and I find that sometimes, I am a little too (to quote my sub) "reasonable." For some reason, I just have a hard time remaining strict on an issue when I've heard a perfectly reasonable explanation to the contrary (if that makes any sense! lol).
Has anyone else been through this? Any ideas on how I can firm up my decisions, even if there's good reason to change my mind?
...or should I change that at all?

Thanks,
-86
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Question regarding strictness and Dominance - 6/25/2008 8:52:57 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Tell her to suck it up and you'll be as reasonable as you fucking well choose to be.  If she doesn't like it, tough shit, go find someone who will dom her like she orders them to.


It's all in the attitude :)

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to punkass86)
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RE: Question regarding strictness and Dominance - 6/25/2008 8:58:06 PM   
MadRabbit


Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline 		Yeah. Exactly what L.A. said.

Submissives like to bring their ideal of what you should be to the relationship.

Fuck that. Don't let them change you. If you hear a good argument and are open-minded enough to consider it and allow it to change your decision for the better, then that's how you handle things. You will be a better Dominant in the long run as opposed to some hard-headed asshole who always has to be right even when he's wrong.

You decide what kind of Dominant you are. There is no right or wrong way and no rule book that says Dominants need to be X amount of strict.

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(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: Question regarding strictness and Dominance - 6/25/2008 9:00:11 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		If she doesnt like the idea that her perfectly reasonable ideas actually cause you to stop and consider things and make an informed decision about your situation, then she either has to go find someone more unreasonable (which Imsure shell hate after a while) or she should just stop offering up explinations and ideas. Next time she starts to expain why something is or isnt right, or should or shouldnt be done... just tell her to shut up until you ask her for an opinion. Tel her you dont want her input... see if she likes  that better.

DV


_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: Question regarding strictness and Dominance - 6/25/2008 9:08:31 PM   
Knightenslaves


Posts: 28
Joined: 1/6/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Tell her to suck it up and you'll be as reasonable as you fucking well choose to be.  If she doesn't like it, tough shit, go find someone who will dom her like she orders them to.


It's all in the attitude :)


Word

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: Question regarding strictness and Dominance - 6/25/2008 9:39:18 PM   
RexLongBeach


Posts: 58
Joined: 10/30/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: punkass86

For some reason, I just have a hard time remaining strict on an issue when I've heard a perfectly reasonable explanation to the contrary (if that makes any sense! lol). Has anyone else been through this? Any ideas on how I can firm up my decisions, even if there's good reason to change my mind? ...or should I change that at all?

The key here, really, is what constitutes "good reason" to change your mind. Obviously, if there's good reason, you'll change it. But, sometimes a submissive can offer a plausible reason for not doing something she was perfectly capable of doing just to see if you really mean what you're saying.

It's not always obvious when it's real and when it's testing, but the more you pay attention to your submissive, the better your chances of making the right call.

Good luck and have fun,
Rex


(in reply to punkass86)
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RE: Question regarding strictness and Dominance - 6/25/2008 9:42:58 PM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		Think of your structures and agreements as a business deal. Insist on being paid as agreed.
 
If the agreements are broken-penalties must be paid as well.

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

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RE: Question regarding strictness and Dominance - 6/25/2008 10:14:03 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		You're the Dom. You make the rules. If the rule is, "I can be swayed to changing my mind upon hearing a sound argument," then that's the rule.

Master Fire


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The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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(in reply to punkass86)
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RE: Question regarding strictness and Dominance - 6/25/2008 10:22:21 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: punkass86

Any ideas on how I can firm up my decisions, even if there's good reason to change my mind?
...or should I change that at all?

Thanks,
-86

 

Personally, I couldn't be owned by someone who didn't take valid reasons into account. If I didn't make it home on time because there was a mac trunk wrecked on the highway, am I supposed to get out and walk? Valyraen usually takes things into account and bases judgements on that because he trusts me to tell him the truth and explain my reasoning. On a less dramatic scale, if the store is out of his favorite kind of cereal, I may get a different brand or another item to tide him over rather than use the gas to go to a market further away.

If she doesn't like it, I agree with the others... tell her to suck it up. I'd be willing to bet she would change her mind once she got in trouble a few times for things she had no control over whatsoever.

Edited cause I reread the OP.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 6/25/2008 10:26:55 PM >

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to punkass86)
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RE: Question regarding strictness and Dominance - 6/25/2008 10:40:18 PM   
punkass86


Posts: 7
Joined: 11/13/2007
Status: offline 		Thanks, guys! That really helped clear things up!

(in reply to AquaticSub)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Question regarding strictness and Dominance - 6/26/2008 5:01:56 AM   
Madame4a


Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline 		For me.. dominance is not necessarily about control or strictness, but about me making the choices.  If I choose to be wishy washy, or have someone else make a decision -- that's my choice, because I'm in charge.

_____________________________

You're crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

(in reply to punkass86)
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RE: Question regarding strictness and Dominance - 6/26/2008 8:08:43 AM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		There are times when subs purposely push boundaries to see what they'll get away with - not unlike a child with their parents.  Some may come up with excellent reasons for why they did or did not do what you just told them to, but are secretly hoping that you will still show some reaction to it.  It takes a balance.  It's one thing if you give a task and the sub can't complete it because they fell and sprained their ankle; another if they can't complete it because they decided they had too many pressing vanilla tasks to take care of.  Then you need to look at whether it is an isolated incident, how much they seemed to care about the task you gave them, etc.  Maybe even just saying something like, "I understand your reasons but I am still disappointed" can give the reassurance that you really care about whether they completed the task or not.  I know that hearing that someone is disappointed in me is a much more harsh blow than I could ever get from a crop.

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RE: Question regarding strictness and Dominance - 6/26/2008 8:49:01 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		You know, real life does have a habit of getting in the way of the fun and games. However if she's feeling as though she can talk you around even when she could have easily enough accomplished the set task, then she will lose respect for you as a dominant.

Maybe you need to just be a little skeptic about her excuses. Ask her how she could have accomplished the task as well as everything else if she had planned it better. This will show her that there are ways she could be a better organizer. Alternately, look at her schedule ahead of hand and reorganize it for her, to allow her time to do everything.

And of course, even if she had a reasonable excuse, that's no reason not to give a maintenance spanking. One that says she still needs to accomplish the task but you aren't angry.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to chamberqueen)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Question regarding strictness and Dominance - 6/26/2008 9:03:55 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Tell her to suck it up and you'll be as reasonable as you fucking well choose to be.  If she doesn't like it, tough shit, go find someone who will dom her like she orders them to.


It's all in the attitude :)


Damn.  That's hot. 

_____________________________

Good is the enemy of great.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Question regarding strictness and Dominance - 6/26/2008 9:04:21 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: punkass86
For some reason, I just have a hard time remaining strict on an issue when I've heard a perfectly reasonable explanation to the contrary (if that makes any sense! lol).


There are a few other labels that would spring to my mind in reference to people who WOULDN'T take perfectly reasonable explanations into account and make their decisions on how to proceed from there....but I don't think I really have to say them out loud.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to punkass86)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Question regarding strictness and Dominance - 6/26/2008 10:51:01 AM   
akisha


Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline 		At times Sir is not as strict or as "domineering" as I would like him to be, but I'm not incharge. I can bring up to him my feelings or I can ask for more guidance etc. But really whether or not it happens or not is not up to me but up to him.

There are times he realizes that I'm feeling useless or like my service is unwanted and gives me the direction or the chores i need, so that i'm happy too.

Not long ago I asked if i could get him something to drink or a snack and he stated he could get it himself and i guess i looked crushed cause he changed his mind and told me to run and get him some stuff. *S*
As a sub, feeling useless or unneeded at times can be stressful and depressing.

_____________________________

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It's not a blonde moment! It's momentary peroxide posioning. ;)

Your pain makes me smile ~ Happy Bunny

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Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Question regarding strictness and Dominance - 6/26/2008 11:57:15 AM   
came4U


Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline
quote:

I am a little too (to quote my sub) "reasonable." For some reason, I just have a hard time remaining strict on an issue when I've heard a perfectly reasonable explanation to the contrary


If you find her reasoning valid and sane, then so be it.  If you want to enjoy the play or a game of needing to find 'nitpicking reasons' that may or may not lead to discipline then do that too.

Either way does not make you more or less of dominant quality (unless she thinks so). If it is a big issue and you risk losing her because of it, then it is up to you to decide if you want to compromise your personality in order to 'appear' more dominant.


(in reply to akisha)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Question regarding strictness and Dominance - 6/26/2008 4:08:41 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		Gosh, I don't know.  Maybe I'm missing somethng.  But as I understand it, the scenario is like this...

Dom has opinion A
Dom gets presented with "perfectly reasonable" reasons why opinion A isn't the right opinion anymore
Dom changes opinion to opinion B

Given that the assessment of "perfectly reasonable" was done by the Dom, then I would call this "smart", not "wishy washy".  Only a fool doesn't get off the tracks when a train is coming soley because his original plan was to stand on the tracks.  Seems like repeating to yourself, "I am strong and confident" is going to wear thin when the train hits you.

< Message edited by leadership527 -- 6/26/2008 4:10:44 PM >

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RE: Question regarding strictness and Dominance - 6/26/2008 6:32:21 PM   
MistressSybella


Posts: 163
Joined: 9/14/2004
Status: offline 		I just have to throw another idea out. Perhaps she is questioning this because she has a need for more structure, more rules, more control. I am very much a dominant but tend to be pretty easy going about most things. I had a live-in female and in one of our talks, she brought this to the table. In me being passive, for lack of better way to put it, a need of hers wasn't being fulfilled. So, I made adjustments. Instead of expecting the dishes to be done by bed, I gave her a time, and so on. It really didn't take much active effort from me but it made a huge difference in her feeling owned.

Miss 'Bella

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Question regarding strictness and Dominance - 6/26/2008 7:56:25 PM   
MagiksSlave


Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline 		((raises her hand )) oh oh oh I have a question I have a question!!

How can one be *too* Reasonable??



MS

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.


-Rodney Atkins-



(in reply to MistressSybella)
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