RE: What is cheating?

RE: What is cheating? (Full Version)

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Bethnai -> RE: What is cheating? (6/26/2008 8:40:46 PM)
Could it be just a mind fuck?

Quivver -> RE: What is cheating? (6/26/2008 9:13:29 PM)
to cheat you have to have an agreement in place.

TemptingNviceSub -> RE: What is cheating? (6/26/2008 9:29:53 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mistoferin I'd like to also add that in a situation such as this, it really doesn't matter if it meets the classic definition of "cheating" or not. He could be very upfront and give you full knowledge of every detail...but if you can't handle him being with someone else and in YOUR head it is cheating....it won't matter what you call it...it will still make you feel the same inside regardless of what you, anyone or everyone else calls it. Ditto!! and spot on!!...Tempting

candystripper -> RE: What is cheating? (6/26/2008 11:08:40 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Kalista07 He and i were talking a while back about His promise to me to never cheat on me....And as i was just about asleep He said to me, "of course at some point we are going to have to talk about what exactly cheating means in a 24/7 TPE relationship." Luckily for me, we are not there yet..... But, in all honesty, the more i think about this, the more confused i am... Anyone have any ideas? Thanks, Kali Kali, did you accept a collar without first discussing this? If so, it cannot wait very much longer. The important thing isn't what any member here thinks is cheating, or what your Dom thinks is cheating -- the important thing is, what do you think is cheating? I'll tell you what I think, but only because I might have thougt of something that hasn't occured to you. Never substitute someone else's judgment for your own. * Having sexual intercourse with another person. * Having any other sexual activity with another person, even french kissing. * Having a profile on any dating site which says your are single and looking to 'hook up', etc. * Having a close relationship with a former lover -- I mean an emotional, intimate relationship, not just a 'hey, how're ya doing' once a year. * Playing with another person, whether in public or in private. * Cybering and phone sex. * Porn, particularly if it involves money, time or secrecy. * Flirting with another person, especially someone in a position to flirt back and possibly ignite a relationship. Cheating by necessity means He's done, or is considering doing, something both of you agreed was off-limits. So cheating is almost impossible to do without lying. Whatever boundaries you decide are right for you, don't be too quick to negotiate them away if He feels He wants to continue to behave in some way you are uncomfortable with. I'm not saying be rigid and dictatorial, but be true to yourself. Otherwise, you're really lying to both yourself and Him, and that is a disastorus path to start down. Best wishes, candystripper

RumpusParable -> RE: What is cheating? (6/26/2008 11:09:19 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Kalista07 He and i were talking a while back about His promise to me to never cheat on me....And as i was just about asleep He said to me, "of course at some point we are going to have to talk about what exactly cheating means in a 24/7 TPE relationship." Luckily for me, we are not there yet..... But, in all honesty, the more i think about this, the more confused i am... Anyone have any ideas? Thanks, Kali Cheating: Anything that violates the discussed and agreed upon boundaries of that particular relationship between those particular people.

lovepuppy -> RE: What is cheating? (6/27/2008 12:05:55 AM)
I have noticed whatever sin we are most likely to commit are the ones we guard ourselves against the most strongly...liars assume everyone is lieing, thieves assume they have been stolen from, cheaters assume others will cheat...this is not a slam at the OP, but the relationship was based upon a multi partner idea...so somewhere in your thought process this is not an ohimgod no! idea. and as my great-grandmother used to say, if you have to ask the question it is already too late. You have to make a choice is this man worth it if he cheats (in your opinion nobody else's counts) in the other ways of the relationship...or is he not...meaning run for the hill sister and find a human being who could never possibly cheat...and good luck with the necrophilia. It is a reality. Every single breathing person inside a realtiosnhip from perfect partners to to dogs might one day cheat. There is no fence high enough to prevent it. How active someone is in the pursuit of cheating factors in to this a little, but even accidents do happen..maybe not accidental fuckings perhaps, but accidently becoming overly attached to someone you "shouldn't" does. If you found a decent partner who you like in the rest of the ways of the relationship sometimes you just have to roll the dice and do you perosnal utmost to keep your half of the relationship alive and fun enough so cheating becomes a lower priority should it ever enter his mind on any level. there is no magical happily ever after, every day it is a commitment to what you are doing, and yeah sometimes it hurts when you bet and lose, but guess what? sometimes life hurts, you get over it and either salvage the relationship or trash it with all of the others and find the number of a good mortician because while terrible dancers, the dead don't often cheat on you

eyesopened -> RE: What is cheating? (6/27/2008 2:05:17 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Kalista07 Lastly, when i initially entered into this relationship i agreed that it would be poly...i'll admit to being a stupid fool, who really believed that i could change Him.... Where we are at currently, however, we both know that we are no where near being ready for poly... Kali Define poly? It may be that where you are now the relationship is nowhere near being ready for an additional 24/7 partner but is that the definition of poly that HE has? Sounds to me that he has promised to never do anything behind your back, will always be honest and upfront about his actions and his intentions. That's a good thing. Agreeing to a situation based on your assumption that it will never happen, is not a good thing. The lies we tell ourselves are most often more destructive than the lies we are told by others. He gave you full disclosure about wanting a poly (however he defines it) relationship. Did YOU give him full disclosure regarding your intention to change him? Who lied to whom? Harsh, i know, but now is the point where you must talk to him about what cheating means in your 24/7 TPE relationship and now is the point where you must disclose that you had intended to change him.

RavenMuse -> RE: What is cheating? (6/27/2008 3:24:58 AM)
I run a TPE Dynamic. I Own My girl... however I wouldn't 'cheat' on her... not because I owe her anything but because I am an honest person who simply doesn't cheat. When I choose to play with others, she is kept informed.... again not because it is owed, but because it gives her the stability of knowing rather than wondering and guessing. her feelings are discussed, I work to ensure she remains secure in her place, no 'replacement' fears that would spark insecurity and jealousy. It is TPE, I will do as I DECIDE to do.... however I have the RESPONSIBILITY that goes along with that to maintain a positive and stable relationship. I have a RESPONSIBILITY... a DUTY of care for the wellbeing of My girl. What would be cheating in this situation? If I cut her out of the loop, hid My actions from her, lied and broke the trust that I have taken effort to build. I am Poly, she entered into Ownership knowing there will be others... but also believing when I said there would be nothing hidden, no lies.... she gets what I told her at the start she would get.... I keep to My word! If I didn't, THAT would be cheating.

RavenMuse -> RE: What is cheating? (6/27/2008 3:32:22 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Kalista07 Lastly, when i initially entered into this relationship i agreed that it would be poly...i'll admit to being a stupid fool, who really believed that i could change Him.... Where we are at currently, however, we both know that we are no where near being ready for poly... I disagree with mist over this..... If He is doing exactly what He said He would do... regardless of wether 'in your head it would be cheating'.. like hell it is... the LIE isn't on HIS side, it was on YOURS. You entered into the relationship on a false premise... believing you could change Him. If He can't help you over the problem, the FAULT is YOURS. He is just honestly being who He presented Himself as.... don't blame HIM for your dishonesty!

pinkwind -> RE: What is cheating? (6/27/2008 3:41:17 AM)
Cheating, for me personally, would be any meaningful interaction with another person without sticking to the negotiated format for disclosure that we put in place at the outset of our relationship, and anything that fell outside of our framework that he knew would hurt me in either it's execution or it's secrecy.

candystripper -> RE: What is cheating? (6/27/2008 3:57:53 AM)
*quote:* Lastly, when i initially entered into this relationship i agreed that it would be poly...i'll admit to being a stupid fool, who really believed that i could change Him.... Where we are at currently, however, we both know that we are no where near being ready for poly... Kali O Kali; you accepted His collar under false pretenses. IMO, you must take a Dom at his word. If he says he's poly, he's poly...and when he finds a beta (whom I imagine he's looking for now, as he IM's with a new submissive or slave) then you'll have two bad choices: lie to yourself, and try and 'become' poly, or lie to Him and say 'o, sure', when in fact you despise the idea. There's no way 'round this; you must be honest with him. It doesn't matter how much you're attracted to him or how attached to him you've grown -- you must tell him you're monogamous and I do mean today. But hey, that's JMO. IMO, there's little chance of this working out. In the end you'll have no choice but to return your collar, possibly at his request. It's no more 'true to his nature' to be monogamous than it would be for you to be poly.....right now you may think you're dodging the bullet, but in fact you're leading him on by lying and wasting his valuable time. I began the paraghraph above with 'IMO', and I mean that. Never sunstitute someone else's judgment for your own -- especially not someone who is nothing but pixels on your pc to you. Nonetheless I urge you to think hard about what I've said. Best wishes, candystripper

candystripper -> RE: What is cheating? (6/27/2008 4:09:18 AM)
lovepuppy, not everyone cheats. I never have. Some of my friends never have. Not on a spouse, nor a 'so', nor even on someone I was dating casually but exclusively. I can't wrap my mind around cheating. Unhappy at home? Feeling unfulfilled by a relationship? Interested in someone new? For Gawd's sake just 'man up' and tell your partner -- and either work it out and remain faithful, or break up. How the f**k hard is this, given of course that you're not a lying, selfish, deluded sob? candystripper

candystripper -> RE: What is cheating? (6/27/2008 4:19:05 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RavenMuse I run a TPE Dynamic. I Own My girl... however I wouldn't 'cheat' on her... not because I owe her anything but because I am an honest person who simply doesn't cheat. When I choose to play with others, she is kept informed.... again not because it is owed, but because it gives her the stability of knowing rather than wondering and guessing. her feelings are discussed, I work to ensure she remains secure in her place, no 'replacement' fears that would spark insecurity and jealousy. It is TPE, I will do as I DECIDE to do.... however I have the RESPONSIBILITY that goes along with that to maintain a positive and stable relationship. I have a RESPONSIBILITY... a DUTY of care for the wellbeing of My girl. What would be cheating in this situation? If I cut her out of the loop, hid My actions from her, lied and broke the trust that I have taken effort to build. I am Poly, she entered into Ownership knowing there will be others... but also believing when I said there would be nothing hidden, no lies.... she gets what I told her at the start she would get.... I keep to My word! If I didn't, THAT would be cheating. Waves across the pond at Raven Hiya Sir..hope You & Yours are well and happy. May I ask something personal Sir? Could You 'give up' being poly and live as a monogamous Dom for the love of a submissive who wasn't poly? (Leave aside for the moment the questionable conduct Kali has descrbed, and assume that the submissive has been completely honest with You from Day One.) I've always asumed the answer to this question was 'no', for D-types and s-types. That being poly is at the very core of who you are and how you pursue fulfillment, just as being monogamous is for others. But I'd like Your opinion, if I may? Good day Sir, candystrpper

mistoferin -> RE: What is cheating? (6/27/2008 4:29:10 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RavenMuse quote: ORIGINAL: Kalista07 Lastly, when i initially entered into this relationship i agreed that it would be poly...i'll admit to being a stupid fool, who really believed that i could change Him.... Where we are at currently, however, we both know that we are no where near being ready for poly... I disagree with mist over this..... If He is doing exactly what He said He would do... regardless of wether 'in your head it would be cheating'.. like hell it is... the LIE isn't on HIS side, it was on YOURS. You entered into the relationship on a false premise... believing you could change Him. If He can't help you over the problem, the FAULT is YOURS. He is just honestly being who He presented Himself as.... don't blame HIM for your dishonesty! No Raven, you and I don't really disagree. The lie is hers and not his. My point was that the end result will likely be the same...if she has issues with trust and jealousy that will make her feel like she is being cheated on no matter how honest he is....no matter what they call it....the end result will be the same as if he really were cheating...at least inside her head. Now that's not rational or fair...but jealousy rarely is.

Kalista07 -> RE: What is cheating? (6/27/2008 4:47:35 AM)
Wow....Some of You are certainly making some mistaken assumptions.... Apparently i need to clarify some things: A. i am not collared or owned yet by Him. B. i have owned up to my irrational and faulty thinking in this situation to Him. C. When we began this relationship it actually was 'poly' on some level....By that i mean he had a LDR with another slave which was online only. i made the decision at that point that i could handle that, and actually did. D. The fact that He has already begun chatting with some slaves does not in fact mean He's already cheated. Here's the reality of this situation.....i understand fully and completly why and how what i did was wrong. What i don't understand is why that means i should be cruicified. i mean seriously, You will not convince me that i am the only woman on these boards who has ever done something like this. shrugs Erin, Your last post was spot on...... Thanks for being so truthful and no holds barred, that's what i love about You. Kali

RavenMuse -> RE: What is cheating? (6/27/2008 5:04:40 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: candystripper Could You 'give up' being poly and live as a monogamous Dom for the love of a submissive who wasn't poly? (Leave aside for the moment the questionable conduct Kali has descrbed, and assume that the submissive has been completely honest with You from Day One.) The answer is no. I am who and what I am. I can and have in the past given a girl a short time to get used to it, to settle and become secure before acting to introduce others... but 'stop being poly'? Stop being Me? No If a girl needs mono that much, then she and I are simply not compatable no matter what the other chemistry may be. I have had girls who wanted to try to cope because of that chemistry... that I learned from experience doesn't work either... I will not take someone as Mine these days unless I am convinced they ARE wired for poly... Mono's need NOT apply! quote: ORIGINAL: Kalista07 What i don't understand is why that means i should be cruicified. i mean seriously, You will not convince me that i am the only woman on these boards who has ever done something like this. shrugs Dishonesty is dishonesty! you entered the RELATIONSHIP under false colours, under a LIE... believing you could 'change Him' (And how would you have 'respected' His Dominance if you could so easily change something as fundamental as His base nature on the sly, with your deception?) If He now knows and still is prepaired to give you a chance... be VERY thankful... personaly someone playing that deceptive crap on Me would be out the door half a second after Me spotting it! What you did isn't 'cheating' but it was JUST as dishonest!

RCdc -> RE: What is cheating? (6/27/2008 5:37:12 AM)
Cheating is doing something behind anothers back or making a promise or commitment under false pretenses. I can also understand you asked a simple question and not really asking for relationship advice, but by posting what you did, you have opened yourself up to people commenting and as such, I really feel that your relationship started under 'cheating' and you are incredibly fortunate that he has allowed you a second chance(although I am sure you already realise that). Is it able to progress with honesty? Only if you both communicate honestly with yourself(selves) first. Unless you are honest with yourself and stop cheating yourself - you won't be able to cease cheating each other. the.dark.

Kalista07 -> RE: What is cheating? (6/27/2008 5:51:21 AM)
the.dark, i understand Your point of view, mostly..... i guess i'm a little confused as to why You would think i entered the relationship under false pretenses? He was already in another M/s relationship when i entered into the picture. And granted my views of poly at that time were so misconstrued that i truly believed if i could just be 'enough' for Him, we would not need to maintain poly if the relationship He already was in did not work out. Since then, however i have been educated much more clearly about the needs of poly and the issues surrounding it. Is it for me? i honestly don't know, but like i've told Him i'm willing to do my best and try to the best of my ability. In reality, the amount of time that i 'lied' was actually less than a month, and frankly i had been honest with Him about this before we ever met in person. You are right, in that i did not start this thread to have my relationship disected. i did however, think this might be an interesting topic for debate. Truth is though? i can turn off the computer and walk away at any point.......Most of these people will never truly know me, so why should i let it get to me? Besides, i know those people who typically post things such as "RUN!!! End the relationship now!!' Needed an opportunity to tear apart a slave... It's not fair to only attack Dom's ya know? insert one of those yellow smiley faces that i cant get to work Kali

persephonee -> RE: What is cheating? (6/27/2008 5:57:46 AM)
Kali Have you tried to reframe your thinking? His being poly minded has no reflection on you or whether youre "enough" for him. Polyamory is not in existence because of a failure on anyone's part.

Kalista07 -> RE: What is cheating? (6/27/2008 6:08:37 AM)
Persephone, Thank You....Yes, actually i have..And i've actually found that i now find the issue very interesting and intriguing. i can give no certainties about what will happen in the future, but the reality of that is all we have is today anyway. Kali

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