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Sundowner -> RE: What is cheating? (6/28/2008 4:24:57 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Kalista07
the more i think about this, the more confused i am...
Anyone have any ideas?
Thanks,
Kali
I think - I hope - it's reasonably simple and it turns on what you have each said, or promised, to each other.
I have many friends. When I talk to Cali for example, it's as a friend. But when I talk to Greedy I'm not cheating on Cali. (Trust me Cali, I'm not!).
And I have several bdsm relationships too. When I'm in bed with blondestar then much of the time, for both of us, there is no-one else in the world apart from the two of us. Similarly when I play with Slut, the play is intense and our minds are totally focussed on each other. But when I play with Slut I'm not cheating on blondestar. Nor am I cheating on Cali or Greedy.
In these examples each knows about all the others; they each know how important they are to me in different ways. I might be closer to blondestar in some ways, but my other relationships, of whatever sort, don't diminish my relationship with her.
But in these examples I have never said to an individual "I only have you". So my other relationships, whether they know about them or not, are implicitly fine and are not cheating (not in my book nor in theirs).
If I had said to one of them "you are the only person with whom I will have any sort of relationship" then to break that trust would be cheating.
That's the reasonably simple part.
Where it can get difficult - and is for you - is where there is apparent monogamy or an implicit exclusive relationship or where an ill-defined promise has been made.
A partner might wish to be "the only one" or a friend might want to be your "best friend". If the other partner is unaware of that wish and if no "you're the only one" commitment has been made, then other relationships are not strictly cheating. But if the other partner knows there is that wish, and by implication accepts that wish, then I'd suggest that any other relationship is perhaps not strictly "cheating" but is significantly ... ill-mannered? Certainly ill-mannered enough to justify a heated row!
Your own situation has involved a promise never to cheat and you say you're confused, and I guess rightly so. Without knowing the relationship I would suggest you avoid the confusion by being the one to start the conversation and asking, non-threateningly and just out of interest, what he considers to be "cheating" and what he thinks of as acceptably casual and, crucially, what he consider you would feel to be acceptably casual.
Maybe better, discuss not your situation but mine - ask him does he think I'm sensible or wicked, how does he think my various girls feel? That could take the heat or tension out of the conversation?
But however you handle it my own advice would be to open up and resolve it - one shouldn't spend one's life worrying about stuff; and letting a worry fester and grow is rarely good. And from the sound of it he is neither stupid nor unkind, else you wouldn't care for him, so chances of a happy resolution are high. If you're lucky, the clarity will make you more at peace; equally important it will make him happier too. [image]http://www.collarme.com/htmlarea/smileys/0011.gif[/image]
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