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RE: What is cheating? - 6/27/2008 5:47:25 PM   
lostgirl83


Posts: 81
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Status: offline 		I think most people in the vanilla world define cheating as being dishonest about an emotional/ physical relationshio with "someone else" In bdsm I think its slightly different. It sounds like otherwise you are very happy with the relationship, I think the two of you should set your own definitions of what is "cheating" (as in what you are and aren't comfortable with although I think its great that he's at least letting you know who he's talking to online.) and as long as everyone sticks to the pre-defined rules, everything will be fine!

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RE: What is cheating? - 6/27/2008 6:03:24 PM   
submittous


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Status: offline 		I think I like lostgirl's comment, in general.

I think cheating in a relationship is when someone does something they said they wouldn't do or even intimated they wouldn't do. Talking about the "rules" and understandings up front makes it pretty easy and when someone doesn't want to talk about them it makes me very  nervous

Bill

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RE: What is cheating? - 6/27/2008 6:04:33 PM   
Prinsexx


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Status: offline 		Cheating is breaking one's agreements with oneself.

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RE: What is cheating? - 6/27/2008 9:28:18 PM   
wwwkevinww


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quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

Cheating is the act of sharing intimacies with another person, without the knowledge of your partner.  Those intimacies may include physical, emotional or mental aspects.  Cheating is also behaving in a manner that is at odds with the agreed upon parameters of your relationship.


I have to agree with this to some extent, but a little more limited.  That is my definition of cheating.  Although it might be a little broad, imho, I don't think guys think cheating encompasses anything except physical.  If I look at a girl, hell, I didn't cheat on anyone because I looked.  Emotionally or Mentally is not the same thing as physically.  IF my girl is emotionally or mentally cheating on me, I can forgive her.  If she cheats on my physically, there is no forgiving.  The boot is what she gets.... 
And if you tell me someone cheated on you, and then explain it as it was emotional or mental cheating, I would tell you that isn't really cheating to a guy, at least in the sense that its as serious as you first let on....

I think your talking to the wrong people about this one. 

We can only guess what he means, he is the one who has to clearify it.  Ask him what the heck he meant....because he said no cheating "BUT" just as you were falling asleep.

Anyone who is giving you advice guessing what he means is just that, guessing, and their time obviously isn't that valuable......

-Kevin

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RE: What is cheating? - 6/27/2008 11:22:20 PM   
lovepuppy


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Status: offline 		I dunno Kevin,  it begs the question from Bull Durham, "would you rather me be kissing you using his name or me be kissing him using your name"....and I agree there is a gender bias inherent to the arguement (just to see how many people I can get screaming there's not) that guys see cheating as something tangible but for the traditional female stereortype it is ALSO something emtional and mental so yeah it always comes down to your personal view..

but every guy I know has that one girl in his past where she was hooked up with some other guy in her head and after the thing ended there was a long night with Johnny Walker wondering if the last time he made love to her was she fucking him...or was she fucking the new guy in her head. 

for myself, I figure everybody is human and sometimes humans make lousey choices...if it becomes chronic then I'd end it, but if she made the same lousey choice chronically about what concerts she wanted us to see I'm not sure there is much of a future either....a person can only see so many "last reunion" tours before seeing the 60 year old panties flying onto the stage just gets a little stale. 

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RE: What is cheating? - 6/27/2008 11:27:39 PM   
stella41b


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Status: offline 		Cheating to me is simple - it's knowing something to be untrue, false or deceitful but maintaining and presenting it to be true, either to yourself, to your partner, or to someone else whilst keeping the truth from them.

It's perfectly acceptable to enter into a relationship under a false premise if it is a genuine mistake and you believed your premise to be true at the time, but what isn't acceptable is not to correct such a premise when you realise it isn't true.

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RE: What is cheating? - 6/28/2008 1:57:43 AM   
bluerush


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Status: offline 		cheating is when the other person does things behind ur back and doesn't tell you about it. Then they pretend they aren't doing anything. lying right to your face then asking if everything is okay. grrrr hate cheaters

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RE: What is cheating? - 6/28/2008 3:22:25 AM   
TMIk


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Status: offline 		CHeating, when the person hides things from you, like he forgot to mention there is someone else he's riding.. 

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RE: What is cheating? - 6/28/2008 3:38:52 AM   
RavenMuse


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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Stus- which doesn't work in a lot of situations.  I can have sex with someone in front of my partner and THEN lie to him about where I'm going and then go have sex with that same person at their apartment.  I'm still cheating, even if I could easily do it right in front of my partner.


I totaly agree with your point here LA but don't see that at odds with stulmobile, as if the partner walked in unexpected and found you in the cheating situation they would still have a right to feel cheated because the context is different.... but you are right in that it isn't simply the act itself.

I could give My girl permission to play with a person on a set occassion and that would be fine, if she snuck off behind My back on a different day to do the same thing then it would be cheating, it breaks the 'rules' by which this relationship works.


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RE: What is cheating? - 6/28/2008 4:24:57 AM   
Sundowner


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

 the more i think about this, the more confused i am...

Anyone have any ideas?
Thanks,
Kali


I think - I hope - it's reasonably simple and it turns on what you have each said, or promised, to each other.

I have many friends. When I talk to Cali for example, it's as a friend. But when I talk to Greedy I'm not cheating on Cali. (Trust me Cali, I'm not!).

And I have several bdsm relationships too. When I'm in bed with blondestar then much of the time, for both of us, there is no-one else in the world apart from the two of us. Similarly when I play with Slut, the play is intense and our minds are totally focussed on each other. But when I play with Slut I'm not cheating on blondestar. Nor am I cheating on Cali or Greedy.

In these examples each knows about all the others; they each know how important they are to me in different ways. I might be closer to blondestar in some ways, but my other relationships, of whatever sort, don't diminish my relationship with her.

But in these examples I have never said to an individual "I only have you". So my other relationships, whether they know about them or not, are implicitly fine and are not cheating (not in my book nor in theirs).

If I had said to one of them "you are the only person with whom I will have any sort of relationship" then to break that trust would be cheating.

That's the reasonably simple part.

Where it can get difficult - and is for you - is where there is apparent monogamy or an implicit exclusive relationship or where an ill-defined promise has been made.

A partner might wish to be "the only one" or a friend might want to be your "best friend". If the other partner is unaware of that wish and if no "you're the only one" commitment has been made, then other relationships are not strictly cheating. But if the other partner knows there is that wish, and by implication accepts that wish, then I'd suggest that any other relationship is perhaps not strictly "cheating" but is significantly ... ill-mannered? Certainly ill-mannered enough to justify a heated row!

Your own situation has involved a promise never to cheat and you say you're confused, and I guess rightly so. Without knowing the relationship I would suggest you avoid the confusion by being the one to start the conversation and asking, non-threateningly and just out of interest, what he considers to be "cheating" and what he thinks of as acceptably casual and, crucially, what he consider you would feel to be acceptably casual. 

Maybe better, discuss not your situation but mine - ask him does he think I'm sensible or wicked, how does he think my various girls feel? That could take the heat or tension out of the conversation?

But however you handle it my own advice would be to open up and resolve it - one shouldn't spend one's life worrying about stuff; and letting a worry fester and grow is rarely good. And from the sound of it he is neither stupid nor unkind, else you wouldn't care for him, so chances of a happy resolution are high. If you're lucky, the clarity will make you more at peace; equally important it will make him happier too. 

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RE: What is cheating? - 6/28/2008 4:32:38 AM   
sirsholly


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Sundowner


I think - I hope - it's reasonably simple and it turns on what you have each said, or promised, toeach other.



this says it all, imho. Cheating is not written in black and white. The definition is as individual as each relationship.


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RE: What is cheating? - 6/28/2008 4:45:17 AM   
colouredin


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Status: offline 		Reading SD's post got me thinking sometimes what we WANT from the relationship can actually start to feel like what the relationship actually is, without it being specifically said, you could be seeing someone for years but never really have the relationship conversation and one person may see themselves as being in a relationship and another not, so if one went and started seeing someone else one may think its fine the other may consider it cheating. Occasionally we make assumption about what the other thinks or wants and that can cause bitterness. S why communication is so important.

I do agree with what most have said that it depends on the relationship and the context of the relationship and the promises but not all promises are verbalised and people can still get hurt, thats where it gets tricky whos responsibility is that? Sure the person who feels cheated should maybe have asked what the relationship was but at the same time the other person should have the presence of responsibility and desire to not hurt people so that they are careful of feelings. Often we seem to say 'well thats your fault because you didnt make it clear or you got it confused' yeah probably but that doesnt stop the other person being a self serving cunt now does it? I do think that at times we defend the worst possible behaviour.

rant over

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RE: What is cheating? - 6/28/2008 5:36:31 AM   
Sundowner


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quote:

ORIGINAL: colouredin
...rant over


Not a rant - very sensible stuff. 

And it's why I try hard to make sure the people I care for know that I care for, and play with, others too.

That risk of "one person may see themselves as being in a relationship and another not" is a tricky one.

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RE: What is cheating? - 6/28/2008 5:44:23 AM   
colouredin


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Status: offline 		Unfortunatly not all do, but then unfortunatly not all people are nice

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RE: What is cheating? - 6/28/2008 6:56:12 AM   
slayergirl6985


Posts: 9
Joined: 6/8/2008
Status: offline 		For every person the definition of cheating is different because it depends on what your into. I personally believe in monogamy. While I have nothing against a 3-way in itself, it just not something for me, because I don't like the idea for sharing the person I'm with. I get jealous because when I'm with someone I want to be the only one that pleases him. Its important to me that when he wants pleasure and happiness he seeks it from me. Otherwise I feel like I'm not doing my job correctly. Now when I was talking with a Dom that I was interested in being with he had mentioned that having a pet is something that he desired and as long as there was nothing sexual going on I had no problem with that. Now in this situation that means there is nothing going on between the two, no touching and no watching either unless it is something we agree on at a later time. So like I said you have to figure out what cheating means to you. Hopefully all this helps.

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RE: What is cheating? - 6/30/2008 7:04:41 PM   
Phin


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

He and i were talking a while back about His promise to me to never cheat on me....And as i was just about asleep He said to me, "of course at some point we are going to have to talk about what exactly cheating  means in a 24/7 TPE relationship." 
Luckily for me, we are not there yet.....  But, in all honesty, the more i think about this, the more confused i am...

Anyone have any ideas?
Thanks,
Kali

the agreement that I have with my wife is that as long as I am open and honest and she knows where I am, what I am doing, and who I am doing it with, and she has not asked me not to do it, I am not cheating. the same rules go for her

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