RE: Something I don't understand(well one thing of many lol)

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RE: Something I don't understand(well one thing of many... - 6/27/2008 5:10:23 PM

TallDevoted1

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Unless someone has serious issues, I see that sort of "you are worthless" style humiliation as basically roleplaying.
Like TammyJo said, probably mostly pro-dommes catering to what they think their clients want.

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RE: Something I don't understand(well one thing of many... - 6/27/2008 6:05:16 PM

firefey

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humiliation, and verbal humiliation especially, are a pretty spesiffic kink. one i actually enjoy to a certain degree, although i am more into embarassment and social akwardness than ripping someoen a new ass hole. too much effort involved in the latter, and i'm kinda lazy that way. lol

bob, as for your vanilla cone here on the forums, i has to do with the number of posts you have made. you get different little symbols as it goes up. don't worry about it. as for your real life vanilla self, those women who are going to be interested in you for long term relationships and comitments are going to want to know who you are. do you like opera? can you fix my sink if it's all clogged? do you know who milton is? or swift? are you a left wing politico or a right wing fundamentalist?

a pretty good clue as to what kind of woman is in the profile you're looking at is to look at the first pic. something that looks like it could be part of a taboo shoot or a pron site is most likely someone looking for money for play. and pros are fine for getting your feet wet and learning about what you're into. like madam4a said, read and learn all about the various aspects of this lifestyle and who you are within it. best of luck to you.

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RE: Something I don't understand(well one thing of many... - 6/28/2008 12:37:42 AM

MaamJay

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Hello bob! Welcome to the forums and the pleasures of asking lots of questions!

I agree with most here in that those who refer to subs as "losers etc" are likely to be
* pro Dommes catering for an audience that's easy to get money out of and easy to please (gotta be easier shouting insults for an hour than doing a complex suspension bondage)
* inexperienced Dommes who think that's the stereotype to go for, or who lack the personal power to dominate anyone worthwhile
* Dommes who genuinely have a verbal humiliation fetish and who are seeking subs who have likewise

I never cease to be amazed at how many subs ask for verbal humiliation ... which is a deal-breaker for Me as it's just NOT Me at all. As a teacher I have spent My life encouraging, facilitating learning, building people up ... tearing someone down goes deep against the grain for Me. Also, as others have said, if someone thinks he's unworthy it's likely I will agree with him LOL and so I won't want to dominate him! Why put all that energy and effort in to someone who's not worthwhile? Why would I keep someone in My house who doesn't bring positive energy to My life, who doesn't make My life easier and more fulfilled, someone I don't love and cherish? Simple answer ... I wouldn't!

OK so you now know the story of the vanilla cones ... ask lots more questions for that to go away! And for a newbie to the lifestyle it's probably an apt symbol ... by the time they've posted enough and read enough for that cone to be replaced ... they've probably learned enough not to be vanilla any more

Doesn't fit too well with someone experienced in the lifestyle who happens to find this site though! Also, don't be too concerned about being "vanilla" ... as you say, we all were once, and many a Mistress would be pleased to take on a newbie and train him to Her ways instead of having to retrain someone experienced! Just go in with your eyes open and due regard to your safety!

Good luck with your explorations and discovery!
Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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RE: Something I don't understand(well one thing of many... - 6/28/2008 5:39:18 AM

colouredin

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quote:

ORIGINAL: jeffman1234

You are referencing the Bible where Jesus is addressing Quantum Physics.

If that was to me, no i wasnt.

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RE: Something I don't understand(well one thing of many... - 6/28/2008 6:39:54 AM

MissEnchanted

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quote:

ORIGINAL: GentlemanBobIII

Ok. before you blast me remember I'm a green bdsm virgin newbie....
I have been perusing the personals on CM and I notice a lot of statements that start out Losers.. as a means of greeting, or " You are nothing.." "You are worthless..." and other similairly dememeaning and derogatory comments. Everyone has value of some type. And if, in fact the person IS worthless why would a Dom or anyone, for that matter, want them or be interested in them? It's like a person bragging about how he owns 2000 acres of ground..... if those acres are comprised of a festering worthless swamp good only for breeding gators and mosquitos what kind of pride in ownership can there be in it? Would it not be more valuable for a domme to have a sub who believes he has value, and yet places the dommes value on top of his own? A person can submit himself completely to a domm and still realize he has inherent value, and yet yield that value completely to the domme . I may not be understanding this, if all you own is manure what purpose does it serve except to fertilize the crops? When the Marines tear a man down in BASIC its with the goal of building him up again into something better. This demeaning seems to tear a man down w/ the purpose of keeping him there. I guess maybe I'm missing something here. Could someone please explain this concept? -Bob

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RE: Something I don't understand(well one thing of many... - 6/28/2008 8:21:09 AM

Steponme73

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Bob...I am new to the site also, but have some insight into what you are talking about. I personally find it a "turn off" if some woman starts out her profile in that manner. A little verbal humilation along the way, if it is done right, can be fun. I can't really speak for the women here, but for me it can be stimulating. I don't think I could take it 24/7, as that is not my makeup. I feel I have worth, alot of worth, and I am comfortable in who I am. At first when I started looking here, I was really kind of disappointed in the profiles as nothing they seemed to lbe ooking for was what I was looking for. But the more I looked the more attracted to the site I became.

I realized that there were a lot of very intellligent women, with a lot of common sense posting here. The Ask a Mistress section has taught me more about BDSM, myself and dominant women than anywhere else. I read every post on every topic, even if I am not really interested in that particular topic, because I might just learn something new.

Keep looking, have fun, don't take things to seriously and enjoy. There are a lot of smart people here, I think smarter than the average Vanilla type person out there running around. I have been really impressed. Good luck

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RE: Something I don't understand(well one thing of many... - 6/28/2008 8:22:41 AM

SunNMoon

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I’m going to start off by saying that this is one of my personal kinks. I’m an emotional masochist and sadist. I date emotional masochists. What I’ve found is that you’d be surprised that most of the guys that I talk to that are emotional masochist consider it separate from the rest of their life a needed part but not everything. These guys are smart, funny and are much more out going then I am (I’m shy and fake being out going hehe).

My point being is that in all reality I don’t see him as worthless, I see him for the whole person that he is. I try to only date people that make me want to be a better person, they have a quality that inspires me. So when we’re alone and I’m calling him names, telling him he is of no value, it’s just the same as if I spank him. It fills a need that we both have.

Now for the profiles you’re talking about, well I don’t read a lot of domme profiles, but I do read the submissive ones and mostly I avoid them do to my thinking it might be an HNG if they’re first line is “I’m worthless.”

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RE: Something I don't understand(well one thing of many... - 6/28/2008 4:49:20 PM

hardbodysub

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I think it's mostly bogus scam artists and not-so-smart newbies that use this tactic, although there may be a few real and experienced dommes. There is a segment of the sub population that responds well to verbal denigration, but probably not as many as the dommes who use it in their profiles or first messages think. The only reason a serious domme would use this up front is if she only wants subs who like it.

Personally, I don't mind it when a domme does this. It makes it easy for me to block or ignore her without a second thought.

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RE: Something I don't understand(well one thing of many... - 6/28/2008 5:12:14 PM

MySweetSubmssive

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SunNMoon
I’m an emotional masochist and sadist. I date emotional masochists.

Thank you for posting this. It puts a word on something that I myself do, and that I've admitted only rather recently. It freaks me out and it's hot, too. I love this, and it was so great recently to find someone who embraced this part of me.

My point being is that in all reality I don’t see him as worthless, I see him for the whole person that he is. I try to only date people that make me want to be a better person, they have a quality that inspires me.

So sweet. I resonate! (smiling)[/quote]

Mss

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RE: Something I don't understand(well one thing of many... - 6/28/2008 6:14:07 PM

DelilahDeb

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OP,

1. Vanilla is an adjective used to describe ANYTHING not scene/kink/BDSM. Vanilla relationships, vanilla sex, vanilla lovers, vanilla family. The "vanilla" and ice cream cone icon next to your name in CollarChat (indicating a new participant) will change as you post more. It's defined in the forums interface and not within individual control.

2. Verbal (and other) humiliation is a fetish, one rather common among self-identified submissives and an arousing one to fulfill for some dominanets. It is not a fetish of mine, and one that can be frustrating to deal with in a sub, for me.

Suggestion...search for sites like "The Kinky Dictionary" to learn the jargon (specialized slang) of the scene. Postings will make more sense if you have the vocabulary.

Lady Delilah Deb

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RE: Something I don't understand(well one thing of many... - 6/28/2008 6:35:22 PM

pagankinktress

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I've known a few male submissives who really did seem to desire the verbal humiliation fetish. And quite honestly, although it is not in my nature to be bitch-nasty or excessively potty-mouthed, there can be some mutual enjoyment in a verbal humiliation/emotionally sadistic themed exchange. But for me, it was a purely contextual, scene related thing. It's more of a theatrical thing, in a way. Even when I knew that calling my sub certain names turned him on, I wouldn't go off on a litany of verbally abusive words and phrases. In fact, I found it to deliever a more powerful impact when those words were peppered lightly throughout our exchange. Especially since everyone always thinks I'm such a nice girl

so it's quite a shock when I suddenly whisper such a naughty, vulgar, dirty phrase!

But like others have said, I think the reason some of the domme ads on here are presented like that have more to do with a moderately inexperienced domme looking to get attention, AND are catering to some misconstrued notion of what it means to be a female dominant.

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RE: Something I don't understand(well one thing of many... - 6/29/2008 5:44:28 AM

TNstepsout

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I think you have good instincts Bob, you will be fine. Just stick to what you know seems right, and you will be able to sort the wheat from the chafe. There are a LOT of game players using the website for financial gain or personal wank fodder, or newbies who are acting out the fantasy of what they think a Dom/me should be. It sounds like you are encountering some of those, and as you correctly surmised, that is NOT what submission is all about.

Humiliation is not something (IMO) that should be undertaken without proper time and communication to build trust and rapport. It can be very emotionally powerful and there has to be a strong base of nuturing and trust, otherwise it can be harmful. Also, the Dom/me really needs to know the sub well enough to know which hot buttons would cross the line from fun to devastating.

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RE: Something I don't understand(well one thing of many... - 6/29/2008 8:02:15 AM

SunNMoon

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MySweetSubmssive

quote:

ORIGINAL: SunNMoon
I’m an emotional masochist and sadist. I date emotional masochists.

Thank you for posting this. It puts a word on something that I myself do, and that I've admitted only rather recently. It freaks me out and it's hot, too. I love this, and it was so great recently to find someone who embraced this part of me.

It freaks me out too, I always need aftercare for it. Just to know that we're both ok and no damage was actually done. There just is something that I love about it and the humor which people have to have for it to work.

My point being is that in all reality I don’t see him as worthless, I see him for the whole person that he is. I try to only date people that make me want to be a better person, they have a quality that inspires me.

So sweet. I resonate! (smiling)[/quote]

Mss

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RE: Something I don't understand(well one thing of many... - 7/3/2008 7:20:51 PM

GentlemanBobIII

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You folks are really nice. Wow. Such an outpouring of response and compassion and understanding. Quite different from my preconcieved ideas of what Dommes were like (bitchy mean, cold, cruel, caring nothing for thier subs, hate men etc), I have found, quite to the contrary you seem like normal decent even sweet human beings, no disrespect intended, who just happen to enjoy having a man who enjoys giving them control. I think this is the key, GIVING control. In a sense the sub has a real power of a sort for they CHOOSE to do this for thier partners pleasure and thier own. If people who are out there critisizing this lifestyle and those in it, could spend just a few days in these rooms thier atitudes might change. It still may not be for them, but they will at least have a real picture of BDSM lifestyle participants. So thank you. To DelilahDeb, I have a question is tickling, by your definition, vanilla or NON vanilla? Wow. You guys/gals are great. I could almost imagine some of you being great friends in the real world, folks I would enjoy knowing and spending time with. I hope thats not an insult. Well, again, thank you, all of you, for your replies. -Bob

< Message edited by GentlemanBobIII -- 7/3/2008 7:26:00 PM >

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RE: Something I don't understand(well one thing of many... - 7/3/2008 7:31:28 PM

RedMagic1

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quote:

ORIGINAL: GentlemanBobIII
I could almost imagine some of you being great friends in the real world, folks I would enjoy knowing and spending time with.

I think this is the key to successful "kinky" dating. Make friends. Be someone about whom people say, "Wow, I'd like to hang out with him."

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RE: Something I don't understand(well one thing of many... - 7/6/2008 12:03:16 AM

dannyteasetoy

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quote:

ORIGINAL: pagankinktress
But for me, it was a purely contextual, scene related thing. It's more of a theatrical thing,

Right on the money, at least in my book. So much of BDSM consists of good theater.

Verbal humiliation works when it is coming from someone that I respect and like and is, to some extent, a friend.

"Come here tiny dick!" is an beautiful piece of erotica when coming from an intelligent Mistress who can read me like a book. Coming as a nearly random insult from a stranger, eh, not so much so.

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RE: Something I don't understand(well one thing of many... - 7/6/2008 12:07:31 AM

Lynnxz

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quote:

* pro Dommes catering for an audience that's easy to get money out of and easy to please (gotta be easier shouting insults for an hour than doing a complex suspension bondage)

Amg... lies.... I run out of things to say in 15 minutes. I'm horrible at it.

OP, if you don't want the insults- just tell her before you meet. If it's importaint to her, then there won't be a meeting, and no one's time will have been wasted.

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RE: Something I don't understand(well one thing of many... - 7/6/2008 12:33:51 AM

BelleMorte1969

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It's kind of a toss up, there are those that really feel that way, and those that are 'playing' to a specific type of sub.

Of course everyone has value (except my exhusband, but that's a whole other thread!!). Why would you want a useless slave? Well, you wouldn't. But if being called that is what gets said slave into his 'special' place, then by all means, the Owner should indulge.

The rules and protocols have a way of changing from Dominant to Dominant and Submissive to Submissive.

Just like anything else in life, there will be great people and not so great. That's part of the adventure of finding the person you are looking for.

I do wish you the very best of luck on your journey.

Women get sex whenever they want it. What do men get in return? We let you.

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RE: Something I don't understand(well one thing of many... - 7/6/2008 1:56:10 AM

HarryVanWinkle

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quote:

ORIGINAL: GentlemanBobIII
Ok. before you blast me remember I'm a green bdsm virgin newbie.... I have been perusing the personals on CM and I notice a lot of statements that start out Losers.. as a means of greeting, or " You are nothing.." "You are worthless..." and other similairly dememeaning and derogatory comments.

I would bet that at least 99% of the Domina profiles that begin that way are looking for men who DO have worth. Net worth.

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RE: Something I don't understand(well one thing of many... - 7/6/2008 6:56:28 AM

LadyPact

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quote:

ORIGINAL: TNstepsout

Humiliation is not something (IMO) that should be undertaken without proper time and communication to build trust and rapport. It can be very emotionally powerful and there has to be a strong base of nuturing and trust, otherwise it can be harmful. Also, the Dom/me really needs to know the sub well enough to know which hot buttons would cross the line from fun to devastating.

This was the best piece on the entire thread.

It's really easy to go through My toy bag with a bottom, so they can see the different implements that I have to cause physical pain. Get an idea of what kinds of toys they might enjoy. Which onces cause sting or thud. Which ones might not be such a good idea or are too much for them to handle with where they think their pain tolerance might be. When the scene is over, I can gauge their physical marks and see how long they take to heal. See what they really could have taken more of, and by reading their body reactions, which ones they really enjoyed, or didn't, as the case may be.

With the emotional, it's not something that's as easy as going through a bag. Unless you know someone, you have no idea what kind of emotional marks you are going to put on a person, or how long they will take to heal. Something that might seem like a thing that should be easily brushed off, might cause a great wound. It's possible to cause damage that you can't know how long it will take to heal, or something that never will. You don't start into this kind of play with someone you don't know from jump street.

I'll get off the box now.

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