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visit gone bad? - 6/27/2008 8:48:36 AM

RealSub58

Posts: 1073
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The submissive and the dom werent sure if they were even interested in each other anymore.

To test the waters of attration and compatability, the submissive went to visit the dom, this time at his home. The submissive was told that his place was a mess, that he hadnt done much to it since Jan when he had heart surgery. Not a problem she said.

When she arrived, to put it mildly, she had never seen anything like it. She herself was not an immaculate or even great housekeeper espeically living by herself...but this was awfull. She couldnt even begin to describe it. Ok, so she thought she could handle it. This was Monday afternoon.

Wednesday afternoon he went to the store and while he was gone she packed her bag and left. It suddenly had all closed in on her, making her physically sick.

During her brief visit, he spent most of his time on ebay buying more stuff than he had room for. He did try to be a good host.

1. Would you have done this, left without him knowing, or told him straight to his face you were leaving?
2. Was this woman selfish?
3. The dominant told the submissive she was not submissive because she was selfish.

This is a true story and I'd like to get your input before I tell you what my input was.

Post #: 1

RE: visit gone bad? - 6/27/2008 8:50:19 AM

fluffyswitch

Posts: 1108
Joined: 9/29/2007
From: Buffalo
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i would have left but i would have said something first. i don't think i would have just up and left.

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Post #: 2

RE: visit gone bad? - 6/27/2008 8:53:55 AM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
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Left without a word? Actually I think that's pretty immature.

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"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to RealSub58)

Post #: 3

RE: visit gone bad? - 6/27/2008 9:02:28 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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Well it's good that she saw right up front, but she should have said after a few minutes that it just wasn't going to work and said goodbue.

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Post #: 4

RE: visit gone bad? - 6/27/2008 9:04:38 AM

sirsholly

Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
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leaving without saying anything speaks of a total lack of character...

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Post #: 5

RE: visit gone bad? - 6/27/2008 9:06:50 AM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
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From: Nashville, TN
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I would have left a note, but leaving while he was away was a good way to avoid a conflict. She was not selfish in leaving, in my opinion. She even gave it a chance, waiting until wednesday. He couldnt be bothered stopping his time on ebay until his guest had left, that makes it quite obvious where his priorities were and they werent with her.
Bad pairing, they happen, and I can fully understand her way of doing it, though a note would have been caled for. She is no less submissive for acting that way, nor is she selfish. I cant even understand where he gets selfish from, honestly, when he was obviously living horribly and not doing anything to even try and fix it.

DV

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(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 6

RE: visit gone bad? - 6/27/2008 9:07:00 AM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
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She should have told him she was leaving. Now me, since I hate to hurt people, would have made up an excuse. Many others will say that is not fair to him, and she should tell him exactly why. While I can see the reasoning behind this, I just can't bring myself to do that.

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Post #: 7

RE: visit gone bad? - 6/27/2008 9:07:05 AM

OmegaG

Posts: 1474
Joined: 10/23/2007
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I had a friend once who lost control of her house. I found out because she'd asked me to babysit one day when she was in a bind. Yes, her house was worse then I could imagine, every dish was out on flat spaces and dirty, there were piles of trash here and there throughout her apartment and there was no sign of organization.

It made me feel closed in and clausterphobic and yes, I felt physically ill. I chose to act rather then sit and dwell so I went into the kitchen and started doing dishes. By the time she came home, I'd done about half. You can't imagine how grateful she was, she had gotten just so overwhelmed that she could not see anyway to get control, she could find a starting point and anytime she tried to take action she'd get pulled in so many directions that she'd get nothing accomplished.

Buying is another sign of feeling overwhelmed.

I guess that I'd take a stab at helping him and seeing if he'd respond well to that and if once managable if he'd slob it up again or maintain the clean before I *poofed*.

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Post #: 8

RE: visit gone bad? - 6/27/2008 9:18:03 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
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quote:

ORIGINAL: RealSub58
1. Would you have done this, left without him knowing, or told him straight to his face you were leaving?

Never. I find it completely immature to leave in silence. I would have been direct.

quote:

2. Was this woman selfish?

Absolutely.

quote:

3. The dominant told the submissive she was not submissive because she was selfish.

I don't agree. But I do find her rude and immature.

quote:

This is a true story and I'd like to get your input before I tell you what my input was.

However, it's not the whole story. The dominant warned of the mess and has reasons behind it. If it was that shocking, she should have not gone in, or at least tried to find out the exact reasons why. Personally, regardless of submission, If this man had been kind and was a friend with health issues, I would have offered to assist him.

the.dark.

< Message edited by Darcyandthedark -- 6/27/2008 9:20:34 AM >

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Post #: 9

RE: visit gone bad? - 6/27/2008 9:30:50 AM

everhope

Posts: 2179
Joined: 8/19/2007
Status: offline

this could have been my first Dom's home. he warned me and i politely asked for two things, clean sheets and a clean toilet. he most kindly provided them. i stayed for 3 days the first time, most of the time blindfolded, so i was not all that affected by his chaotic living style. on the day that i was leaving to go back home, i offered to clean his home for him the next time i came to visit...he flat out refused my offer and in fact, made it a rule that i would never be allowed to clean his home. we had a lot of good connections, so i choose to over look it and we spent most of our visits at my place. the day i discovered this man printed every IM he had ever had online was the day i started thinking of a way to tell him "this is not working for me".
must be hell to live with that severe of a case of OCD.

leaving without a word and especially after staying for 48 hours is a definte lack of character.

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The goal is to create something that will.

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Post #: 10

RE: visit gone bad? - 6/27/2008 9:32:42 AM

RealSub58

Posts: 1073
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There is more to this story. He had been verbally abusive to her, she broke off the relationship. After an attempt at meeting another Dom, which fizzled out, this other Dom suddenly appeared with an email. It was unsolicited by the submissive.
He had effectively told her that he had seen the errors of his ways, domineering and bossy was not dominant, and would she forgive him and give him a second chance.

The original post was the second chance.

My response was like unto yours DV.

I had great empathy for this submissive.
I had been in sort of the same situation about 5 years ago. I drove 6 hours to be with this Dom for 3 days. He was a great host, a good Dom and we had semi good compatibility but he lied to me. He didn't smoke cigs, it was weed. Another thing really made me ill, the smell of his sheets/linen/bedding.
The last night I was there, he got out of bed at about 2am saying he needed to go to the store and buy something for heartburn. After he left, I went to the bathroom cupboard. TUMS and MYLANTA.
I lay there, in this gross smelly bed, trembling, crying and thought do I leave now or do I leave in the morning as discussed and planned. I cried myself to sleep but woke as he came back in about 530am.

As I have thought on this over the years and evaluated myself, and then heard about this visit from a friend..... I told her if I had known she was going, I would have tried to talk her out of it, thus she never told me.

As for lack of character or integrity and immaturity.... that is why I did not leave in the middle of the night years ago. Maybe she should have left a note. They were in contact the same day after she left. That is when he told her she was selfish.

No matter how old we are, every situation and circumstance is different and we must evaluate how we will respond. Life's lessons are sometimes confusing things.

Edited to add...
My friend did request to do some cleaning, he refused.
I requested politely, that it would be a good idea to change the bed linen years ago and even take them to the laundromat, he refused.

< Message edited by RealSub58 -- 6/27/2008 9:39:26 AM >

(in reply to OmegaG)

Post #: 11

RE: visit gone bad? - 6/27/2008 9:37:47 AM

MontrealPhoenix

Posts: 1526
Joined: 2/27/2008
Status: offline

Never mind, i was wrong, some of the facts were missing. Go on now nothing to see here....

< Message edited by MontrealPhoenix -- 6/27/2008 9:49:21 AM >

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Post #: 12

RE: visit gone bad? - 6/27/2008 9:39:15 AM

mistoferin

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Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

What exactly was the point of leaving out the "rest of the story"? How can you expect pertinent responses from half the facts?

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to RealSub58)

Post #: 13

RE: visit gone bad? - 6/27/2008 9:44:46 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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I actually don't think the other part of the story is relevant. They both decided they wanted to try again. They both agreed the past wasn't really an issue and that meeting at his place was reasonable. She didn't like how it was, in fact couldn't stand it.

At that point, you say "this isn't going to work" and leave.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 14

RE: visit gone bad? - 6/27/2008 9:45:29 AM

YourhandMyAss

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

My bf's brother had the only tv in the house, and to watch tv you had to be in his room and his bedding and pillows stunk so bad I washed them myself before being on his bed again. I didn't care if he thought it was rude or not lol.

now a dom wh*o refused to wash his sheets and bedding an crap for a guest coming who he knew would be in his bed wouldn't be a dom I stuck around for. I would leave and I would tell him I was leaving.

quote:

ORIGINAL: RealSub58

Another thing really made me ill, the smell of his sheets/linen/bedding.
I lay there, in this gross smelly bed,

N

Edited to add...
My friend did request to do some cleaning, he refused.
I requested politely, that it would be a good idea to change the bed linen years ago and even take them to the laundromat, he refused.

(in reply to RealSub58)

Post #: 15

RE: visit gone bad? - 6/27/2008 9:46:10 AM

RealSub58

Posts: 1073
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

What exactly was the point of leaving out the "rest of the story"? How can you expect pertinent responses from half the facts?

Because Mist, my friend was judging her whole character and integrity based on one, this one incident.
It was I who had to remind her of what he had done before.

Petinent answers were of the second chance only because so many of us, men and women, forget about the before's and are so damned hard on ourselves for the most recent mishap in our lives. We begin to criticize ourselves and believe the lies of the most recent, forgetting we are worthy wonderful awesome beings.

edited to add..
I didnt want to hear judgemnts that she shouldn't have given him a second chance. See paragraph above.

BTW ~~ Your answers are very constructive...thank you.

< Message edited by RealSub58 -- 6/27/2008 9:49:00 AM >

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 16

RE: visit gone bad? - 6/27/2008 10:07:45 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

I agree with LA - the extra info holds no relevance.
The only extra the added info brings is that the OP is biased because she has been in the same situation - or rather - knows this person and it happened to her too.

She still should have voiced her reason for not wanting to be there immediately - her reaction in the later stages was immature and rude. What he has done before is not relevant to her rudeness and own integrity.

Yes, I know I am pretty confident. Yes I am straightforward. I just don't 'get' anyone looking for and getting into any relationship when they cannot speak up for themselves. Any relationship is doomed from that point and it is dangerous from their own personal perspective.

the.dark.

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love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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Post #: 17

RE: visit gone bad? - 6/27/2008 10:39:52 AM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: RealSub58

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

What exactly was the point of leaving out the "rest of the story"? How can you expect pertinent responses from half the facts?

Because Mist, my friend was judging her whole character and integrity based on one, this one incident.
It was I who had to remind her of what he had done before.

Petinent answers were of the second chance only because so many of us, men and women, forget about the before's and are so damned hard on ourselves for the most recent mishap in our lives. We begin to criticize ourselves and believe the lies of the most recent, forgetting we are worthy wonderful awesome beings.

edited to add..
I didnt want to hear judgemnts that she shouldn't have given him a second chance. See paragraph above.

BTW ~~ Your answers are very constructive...thank you.

Well I do think that the added info paints a more detailed picture. I think your friend would do best to look at the whole also, rather than dissect the pieces. You may not want to hear judgments about the fact that she gave him a second chance....or that she then went on to give him a third chance (as you said that she was in contact with him the very next day), but I do think that those things are relevant. The man was verbally abusive as you say....that does not warrant chance two. Then the man seemingly didn't care that she had come to visit and was a poor host....that certainly doesn't warrant chance three.

I said that I thought leaving without a word was immature. Giving so many chances to someone who clearly doesn't deserve them only confirms that lack of maturity. You can like that or not....but you did ask for opinions. That's mine.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to RealSub58)

Post #: 18

RE: visit gone bad? - 6/27/2008 11:10:07 AM

ThundersCry

Posts: 892
Status: offline

Its easy to judge someones behavior ...however...if you have never been in that kind of situation, you have no idea what kind of feelings, etc...someone goes thru when they are...duped..

That was a big reason I quit meeting people from *online* and moved to where groups were...

However...while I was meeting people back then I was duped..each time...

Did I walk away without saying goodbye...good luck, etc...Yep.

What was the purpose...in doing that.

I think the girl did the right thing....

It is what it....is.

< Message edited by ThundersCry -- 6/27/2008 11:11:38 AM >

(in reply to RealSub58)

Post #: 19

RE: visit gone bad? - 6/27/2008 11:39:02 AM

Madame4a

Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline

Sometimes you just have to do things your way -- selfish? Maybe.. I'm not sure selfish is such a bad word; we need to be selfish to protect ourselves sometimes. It doesn't sound like there was a really long and lasting connection or relationship there, so I'm not sure she owed him a lot.

Personally, I think what she needs to do is to take a lesson from it. My take on that would be she needs to take some time and make her choices more carefully. Surely there were some signs? People tend to minimize things -- everyone does -- if someone says its a bit messy (since Jan?!?) that would indicate a lot to me. Six months of no cleaning at my house would be a disaster -- I'm not so good at it (see minimizing -- I SUCK at house cleaning!), so I have to work at it.

< Message edited by Madame4a -- 6/27/2008 11:41:16 AM >

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Post #: 20

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