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new slave needs advice - 7/2/2008 8:09:49 PM

hallieB

Posts: 63
Joined: 5/7/2008
Status: offline

I am new to this so please bear with me. I have only experienced life as a vanilla. Although I have always had a submissive personality I have never experienced some of the expections cast upon me in this lifestyle. Such as asking permission to sit on the furniture, asking permission to wear underwear, asking permission to do anything that I would normally do as routine in the vanilla life. I want to be the best slave I can be for my Master. I know how to communicate with a vanilla man but I need some serious advice on how to communicate with a Master. Even though he has given me instructions on the proper way to behave, I have never seen anything like this first hand. I wish there were other slaves and Master around my everyday life even if it was on sitcom tv shows (please dont laugh) so I could see examples. I only get to see my Master on the weekends and after about the first 24 hours things start to come more natural for me and I am more aware of my actions. When I go home I try to keep focused on his teachings but everyone here is vanilla and its like I do whats natural in this life. Come the weekend its like starting all over again. I am so ready to move forward in this relationship. I dont want to keep taking steps backwards. What can I do? Any advice would be appreciated.

Post #: 1

RE: new slave needs advice - 7/2/2008 8:57:40 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Realize that it's not about the actions- it's about the intent and fulfillment. 90% of Ms relationships LOOK and ACT just like any vanilla relationship 90% of the time. That's life. What's different is their dynamic, how they relate to eachother and how that fulfills who they are.

This doesn't mean it's easy- when someone waltzes into work and gets tons of hugs and parties for an engagement, while you'd possibly get fired for announcing a collaring there's obviously some disconnect there.

If you really know how to communicate with a vanilla man, then you already have everything you need to connect with a master. Your problem will come the more you try to make it different or special- it really isn't.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to hallieB)

Post #: 2

RE: new slave needs advice - 7/2/2008 11:30:30 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

If you are having trouble knowing what to do as far as how to approach your Master for open, honest communication, ask him to state how he would like that done. You have the tools to do this, just not the procedure. If you're not allowed to ask such questions...well...there's a problem there, in my opinion.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to hallieB)

Post #: 3

RE: new slave needs advice - 7/3/2008 12:06:22 AM

Thadius

Posts: 5091
Joined: 10/11/2005
Status: offline

Evening hallie,

I have to agree with the folks that posted prior to me. Try communicating the feelings you just expressed here with your master, if he is made aware of how you are coping during the week, he could possible find ways to keep you focused, or at the very least have an idea of what needs adjusting.

You are going to come to many speedbumps in your journey, and if you are not able to communicate those to the person that you are attempting to give yourself to, those speedbumps will become mountains.

I wish you well,
Thadius

_____________________________

When the character of a man is not clear to you, look at his friends." ~ Japanese Proverb

(in reply to hallieB)

Post #: 4

RE: new slave needs advice - 7/3/2008 12:57:28 AM

BossyShoeBitch

Posts: 3931
Joined: 1/13/2007
From: South Florida
Status: offline

hallie,
Don't be hard on yourself.. You need to take small, incremental steps.. Would you expect anyone to be able to remember an entire series of (dance moves, class schedule, driving directions, exercise class routine) without practice and reinforcement? No, of course not...
Talk to your Master and ask him to give you one rule to follow.. Just one.. Follow this rule religiously for a week or two until it becomes second nature.. Then ask Him for a second rule to add to the first. Practice following both rules for some specified amount of days.. and so on.. and so on... Build on that base.. One rule/protocol/ritual/whatever at a time.. As long as you communicate your desire to be a good slave and ask His help to achieve it, you'll be fine...

_____________________________

A clever man can get out of situations a wise man never gets into...
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

(in reply to Thadius)

Post #: 5

RE: new slave needs advice - 7/3/2008 2:53:53 AM

SydneyDaddy

Posts: 3
Joined: 7/3/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BossyShoeBitch

hallie,
Don't be hard on yourself.. You need to take small, incremental steps.. Would you expect anyone to be able to remember an entire series of (dance moves, class schedule, driving directions, exercise class routine) without practice and reinforcement? No, of course not...
Talk to your Master and ask him to give you one rule to follow.. Just one.. Follow this rule religiously for a week or two until it becomes second nature.. Then ask Him for a second rule to add to the first. Practice following both rules for some specified amount of days.. and so on.. and so on... Build on that base.. One rule/protocol/ritual/whatever at a time.. As long as you communicate your desire to be a good slave and ask His help to achieve it, you'll be fine...

Very good advice. I am sure people forget just how nerve wracking being a new slave can be. A good Master has to empathic to this and very understanding.

Whenever I introduce something new, depending on the complexity, I allow an amnesty period so the slave can practice without pressure. It improves confidence in the slave, and helps promote the emotional tie that should be present. A Master has to be a mentor, teacher as much as they have to be an owner

(in reply to BossyShoeBitch)

Post #: 6

RE: new slave needs advice - 7/3/2008 5:50:35 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

when someone waltzes into work and gets tons of hugs and parties for an engagement, while you'd possibly get fired for announcing a collaring there's obviously some disconnect there.

LA, if you REALLY want acceptance at work for a collaring, try bringing in doughnuts to celebrate.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 7

RE: new slave needs advice - 7/3/2008 7:44:15 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Not all submissives have to go commando. Not all submissives are forbidden furniture. Not all submissives need to ask permission to use the toilet. Etc.

You're looking at the most micromanagement style and assuming that's the only true way. T'aint so.

I'm supposed to sit next to him on the sofa so he can have his arm around me and into my shirt. And also because he just likes cuddling with me. He likes me wearing panties and pretty bras. Like a present being better if it's wrapped and tied with a bow.

But I don't have to ask permission for most stuff. He sets up a rule as he sees the necessity for it.

As far as being a suddenly perfectly trained sub, if he wanted that he would have found one. He went looking for a newbie because he enjoys training you. Don't hurry the process and assume he's only interested in the goal. He may well be enjoying the journey.

Ask him.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 8

RE: new slave needs advice - 7/3/2008 11:07:48 AM

proudsub

Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

quote:

I have never experienced some of the expections cast upon me in this lifestyle

Everyone's expectations are different except for a few basics like obeying, communicating and making your dom arware of your limits. You need to know what your dom expects of you not what others do.

Edited to add:

< Message edited by proudsub -- 7/3/2008 11:08:52 AM >

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

(in reply to hallieB)

Post #: 9

RE: new slave needs advice - 7/3/2008 12:05:50 PM

batshalom

Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline

You'll get used to it with practice, so no worries. Make sure, though, that as you learn more and do more, that it's fulfilling you and is in line with what you want out of a M/s dynamic. Since it's weekend play, the micromanagement seems ok ... but maybe you'll find it's a bit much for you. Just keep in mind that you still have a mind, choices, and an opinion. Communicate respectfully as you go along and it'll all be ok. If you find it's not working for you, express yourself. If your expressions fall on deaf ears ... you have a new set of decisions to make.

(in reply to hallieB)

Post #: 10

RE: new slave needs advice - 7/3/2008 2:47:20 PM

hisannabelle

Posts: 1992
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
Status: offline

greetings hallieb,

first of all, understand that as la says, most m/s relationships look vanilla most of the time, and that not every m/s relationship is the same (for example, i don't ask permission to sit on the furniture, although a lot of the time i do sit at His feet). second, to ease the transition in terms of integrating your vanilla week with your m/s weekend - instituting rituals to help you keep your "submissive mindset" throughout the week can be really helpful. that can be anything from keeping a journal to regular emails/calls to things you are required to do when you are alone or without your master that remind you of your relationship to him. third, it can be really hard to function without seeing how others' relationships work, i definitely understand - talk to some of the submissives/slaves here (most of us, including me, would be happy to pm with you!) and read the posts (although take them with a grain of salt) to get an idea of what it's like for the rest of us, if that helps you. there are lots of sites and blogs with great essays and posts about what it's like to be in an m/s relationship as well (although as with the boards take with a grain of salt!) which might help you :)

ultimately, communication, communication, communication, as others have noted. i know it gets old after awhile to hear that - but seriously, whatever way YOU feel comfortable communicating your concerns to your master, and he listens, do that. ask him for help. let him know you need guidance on what you need to do and that you do have a hard time transitioning. best of luck to you :)

respectfully,
a'ishah.
(edited because i can't type OR think straight today for some reason.)

< Message edited by hisannabelle -- 7/3/2008 2:50:06 PM >

_____________________________

a'ishah (the artist formerly known as annabelle)
i have the kind of beauty that moves...

(in reply to hallieB)

Post #: 11

RE: new slave needs advice - 7/6/2008 8:39:43 AM

cillydom

Posts: 332
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline

have you discussed this with him?

(in reply to hallieB)

Post #: 12

RE: new slave needs advice - 7/6/2008 4:59:22 PM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: hallieB

I am new to this so please bear with me. I have only experienced life as a vanilla. Although I have always had a submissive personality I have never experienced some of the expections cast upon me in this lifestyle. Such as asking permission to sit on the furniture, asking permission to wear underwear, asking permission to do anything that I would normally do as routine in the vanilla life. I want to be the best slave I can be for my Master. I know how to communicate with a vanilla man but I need some serious advice on how to communicate with a Master. Even though he has given me instructions on the proper way to behave, I have never seen anything like this first hand. I wish there were other slaves and Master around my everyday life even if it was on sitcom tv shows (please dont laugh) so I could see examples. I only get to see my Master on the weekends and after about the first 24 hours things start to come more natural for me and I am more aware of my actions. When I go home I try to keep focused on his teachings but everyone here is vanilla and its like I do whats natural in this life. Come the weekend its like starting all over again. I am so ready to move forward in this relationship. I dont want to keep taking steps backwards. What can I do? Any advice would be appreciated.

As LA said, it's not the actions so much as the intimate dynamic you share with each other. And you want that to be "mainstream" or "common or garden variety" in your everyday life when mingling with others? The feminists out there will make your life hell...! lol

You really orta be talking about this with your master; esp if it feels like that ole kid's game of "Snakes and Ladders" where you're perpetually sliding back to "square one".

In my previous M/s relationships, we were just another couple to our friends and outside world - only those within the lifestyle new our shared intimate dynamic. And we were often "vanilla" within it, too - it's all a matter of the required headspace for any given need or time.... Too much of anything makes it the "norm" and risks being the mundane.... The M/s kinda makes it feel like an exclusive club that few others can default to - special; no? So perhaps it's nothing more than tapping into the right headspace - that's what communication is for....

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to hallieB)

Post #: 13

RE: new slave needs advice - 7/8/2008 1:33:11 PM

masterforRT

Posts: 176
Joined: 5/16/2008
Status: offline

None of us can prectice BDSM 24/7. One VERY good Domme I know once commented to me: "subs expect Doms to be at the top of their game all the time. Don't they understand that we get headaches too?"

I agree. After all, Doms are people too....

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 14

RE: new slave needs advice - 7/8/2008 9:07:34 PM

RegisC

Posts: 2
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

i need a nw master, how do i go about it???

(in reply to masterforRT)

Post #: 15

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