RE: When is buying something Dominant and when is it submissive?

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RE: When is buying something Dominant and when is it su... - 7/4/2008 6:39:01 AM

kiwisub12

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The idea that the man pays, the woman receives relates to power - but not necessarily to power exchange. Unless the woman feels submissive in receiving. I think this is more to do with cultural conditioning than power exchange.

If the idea that money is power is axciom to you, then there will probably be a money issue in your relationship. For me , if i have enough to pay my bills and have a little left over to play with and save, and so does my Sir, then we are cool with it.

I have bought clothes and toys for Sir because i wanted to see him in or using them. He doesn't particularly care about what he wears, so he doesn't mind me dressing him. He has bought clothes and toys for me for the same reason. As long as no-one is keeping a mental list of who spent what , then it works well.

When i moved in with my Sir , i had to explain to him that i wouldn't be able to contribute moneterily in a significant way because of my house and adult childrens situation. He told me then and has repeated it since, that money wasn't going to be an issue in our relationship, that he had seen too many relationships ruined by money fights. And he has remained true to that. On the other hand i am saving for retirement which will benefit both of us. So one pays now, the other pays later.

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RE: When is buying something Dominant and when is it su... - 7/5/2008 10:39:29 AM

Sundowner

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I was brought up to believe it's inconceivable that a girl should pay for anything.

That attitude spins to large degree from the concept that there are two categories - man the provider and helpless little girlies. I've long ago worked out that girls are at very least the equal of, and often far brighter than, men. But the pay for prejudice has remained.

(PS The comments are, for me, relevant within or without a bdsm context. Which made me wonder: "asexual" can happily mean not pertaining to sex. Is there a word meaning "not pertaining to bdsm"? Am I illiterate, or perhaps is the concept simply unimaginable?)

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RE: When is buying something Dominant and when is it su... - 7/5/2008 6:45:14 PM

WhatUrSeeking

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968

Being told to buy a spreader bar is submissive spending. Oh my, yes it is.

Very sexy! I hope you are speaking from experience.

< Message edited by WhatUrSeeking -- 7/5/2008 6:53:05 PM >

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RE: When is buying something Dominant and when is it su... - 7/5/2008 6:52:34 PM

WhatUrSeeking

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Owner4SexSlave

I'll let you know after I get done figuring out if my brand of toothpaste is more D or s type in it's nature...

Is it bubble gum flavored with a Saturday morning cartoon character on the front? If so then I have a good guess.

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RE: When is buying something Dominant and when is it su... - 7/5/2008 6:57:48 PM

tsatske

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quote:

buying blowjobs at a quarter apiece is dominant, at a dollar; submissive.

God, will you people get out of my fantasies!
Srrsly, I have SERIOUS quarter blowjob fantasies. Which Master has occasionally played around with - got a couple of rolls of pennies on my nightstand to prove it. *HAWT*

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RE: When is buying something Dominant and when is it su... - 7/5/2008 7:19:30 PM

WhatUrSeeking

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

I consider dominance and submission as an orientation similar to the way heterosexual is an orientation. I don't attribute orientations to activities.

Cali

I agree that Dominant and submissive sexual orientation does exist. Still I think that some daily activities can be viewed from a D/s perspective, that ones orientation can be nurtured, and that some activities are naturally more Dominant or submissive.

Currently there is a debate in business schools around the world about how leaders develop. Some say real leaders are born with a gene that allows them to rise to become the worlds leaders. Others have argued that it is through repeating and nurturing actions throughout there life, as well as being given roll models that work for their personality. Like most things in life they seem to have concluded that it is a little of both. There is a gene that makes you more likely to be a successful leader, but you will not become a great leader without years of practice, and it helps to have good mentors. Athletes have been shown to have genes that make them better at certain sports, but they will never take home the gold with out conducting certain activities along the way.

There is Dominant and submissive activities in daily life. A secretary that brings her / his boss a cup of coffee every morning is acting in a submissive way. The officer that leads their platoon by inspiring and walking the walk is acting in a dominant way. These are not sexual things, but they exist. The presidential candidate that attacks the opposing party and does not back down is acting in a dominant way. Meanwhile the maid that scrubs the hotel room spotless, and Quietly takes pride in cleaning more rooms than any other maid in the hotel, is acting in a submissive way. The General that takes responsibility for carefully choosing the battle strategy, and gives the orders to the soldiers he has grown to care for and respect is acting in a dominant way. The infantry men that do not question their generals orders that come from their officer, but rather bravely follow the officer into the line of fire are acting in a submissive way.

Of course in this frame work, in order to be successful in life we all must do well at performing some activities that are more Dominant and some that are more submissive. A Dominant may need to perform well for their boss or their customers while a submissive may need to reprimand, train, or lead someone. All this being as it may it still does not change ones sexual orientation.

It is from this framework that I have asked this question.

< Message edited by WhatUrSeeking -- 7/5/2008 7:42:24 PM >

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RE: When is buying something Dominant and when is it su... - 7/5/2008 7:39:28 PM

CalifChick

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quote:

ORIGINAL: WhatUrSeeking

There is Dominant and submissive activities in daily life. A secretary that brings her / his boss a cup of coffee every morning is acting in a submissive way.

Ahhh, then we disagree on the terms. To me, that is subordinate or subservient, not submissive. YMMV and almost certainly does.

quote:

Meanwhile the maid that scrubs the hotel room spotless, and Quietly takes pride in cleaning more rooms than any other maid in the hotel, is acting in a submissive way.

And to me, the maid is merely doing a good job, actually, probably a damn fine job. Yet she is not yielding to authority, she is not giving power over her life (even her work life) to someone else. She is doing her job.

Cali

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RE: When is buying something Dominant and when is it su... - 7/5/2008 7:57:17 PM

sirsholly

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RE: When is buying something Dominant and when is it su... - 7/5/2008 8:34:34 PM

RedMagic1

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I agree too. This sounds like MBA mumbo-jumbo.

Do you know any hotel maids personally? As in, have you ever been to their apartment as a guest? I have. Some have very dominant personalities, whether they are vanilla sexually or not.

I've played with a female sub who owns her own business, one who has an MBA, and one who has a black belt. All three are take-no-shit in public. It made their trust in me that much more special.

Not all gay men wear frilly underwear and flip their wrists, either.

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RE: When is buying something Dominant and when is it su... - 7/6/2008 10:05:33 AM

Gwynvyd

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I have to fully disagree here.

I am friends with and have lived with one of the "First Families" every single last one of them born and bred to be dominant.. and to be assholes at thier core ( regardless of what they say ) They were taught from birth not to do certain things... or to act certain ways because it was too submisive.. and basicaly beneath thier station. They believed the exact same way as you do. People are born to it.. and you can train it into people.

Terribly eliteist if you ask me. One problem. Regardless of how much you shove it down someones throat.. or keep them from cleaning, or doing anything the mundane people do... some will turn out to be submisive at thier core. ( even though due to family ties they have to fake it hard ) I can also tell you it will scare the shit out of them.

I think just like sexual oreintation you either are, or are not... you can embrace it.. or deny it.. but at your core it is your nature. Some find out "who" they are early.. some come into it late..

I belong to toast masters... The people who join it are Type A personalities.. Public speakers, Business Women and Men. You are not going to change a wall flower into a Dominant social butterfly if she never scrubs her own toliet and no matter how many courses she takes.. It is ones nature.

Gwyn

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RE: When is buying something Dominant and when is it su... - 7/6/2008 1:58:33 PM

MercTech

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Buying... I buy something for a submissive because I decide to or I think she needs it.

Now, let's revisit the cocktail cuties originally mentioned. There are so many deadbeat barflies that cadge drinks off men it has become almost a closet industry. When you buy a girlie a drink and don't even get five minutes conversation you are encouraging the "I'm cute so the world owes me a living" attitude that destroys so man.

Give "tough love" and don't buy em a drink unless you actually know them and are being sociable.

Tongue firmly in cheek,
Stefan

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RE: When is buying something Dominant and when is it su... - 7/6/2008 4:00:05 PM

Dari

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I always attribute the action to the mindset behind it. If I cook dinner, it falls under the dual categories of "Things I Like to Do," and "Care of the Submissive 101." The first is neither Dominant nor submissive, the second is something a Dominant does. If he cooks dinner, it falls under the dual categories of "Things He Likes to Do," and "Care of the Domme 101." Again, the first is neither Dominant nor submissive, and the second is something a submissive does.

Dominance and submission always seem to me in the same category as beauty - completely in the eye of the beholder.

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RE: When is buying something Dominant and when is it su... - 7/8/2008 4:26:01 PM

WhatUrSeeking

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quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

I agree too. This sounds like MBA mumbo-jumbo.

Do you know any hotel maids personally? As in, have you ever been to their apartment as a guest? I have. Some have very dominant personalities, whether they are vanilla sexually or not.

I agree with you. You seem to think I was trying to say that people that do submissive actions are submissive. I was not. I was saying that actions in daily life can be subservient or Dominant, and that these actions are not always in correlation to our sexual orientation. I have worked as a room service attendant and as a waiter. These jobs require being servicing the guest and being subservient to a boss. I did quite well at the jobs but my sexual orientation is Dominant. It was more an observation of power dynamics in regular life viewed through a D/s lens.

I think that Dominant or submissive personality types are actually a third factor and not always the same as ones sexual orientation. I will save that one for another post when I have time to properly participate in the discussion that will come from it.

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RE: When is buying something Dominant and when is it su... - 7/10/2008 5:17:57 AM

Anoush

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quote:

ORIGINAL: WhatUrSeeking
It seems money can be used in both a Dominant and submissive way. Any thoughts.

Yes, it can. What sort of thoughts are you looking for, and why? It's a straightforward concept, and you've illustrated that you understand it -- I don't get what you're after here.

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