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Safety Concerns... - 7/3/2008 10:06:14 PM

BiCuriousGirl27

Posts: 2
Joined: 7/1/2008
Status: offline

When I'm invited to meet a dom in a motel or her home, how can I help protect myself? I'm concerned that I'll be robbed, raped or abused against my will.

I'm new to all this so my question is: is there an accepted procedure here? What do most people do? Relying on "gut feelings" seems rather unreliable. Would a dom be offended if I asked to see her ID? Meeting anonymously with someone sounds rather dangerous. Any advice would be very much appreciated...

=- Sally

Post #: 1

RE: Safety Concerns... - 7/3/2008 10:13:54 PM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

Easy answer. Dont meet someone at their home. Make plans to meet somewhere public. Keep your own hotel room, so you have where to go whether or not it works out. Have anyone you are meeting meet you over lunch or dinner, or coffee.. anything to get to know them first. Meeting in pivate, no matter where, is always a risk.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to BiCuriousGirl27)

Post #: 2

RE: Safety Concerns... - 7/3/2008 10:14:01 PM

fluffyswitch

Posts: 1108
Joined: 9/29/2007
From: Buffalo
Status: offline

actually...listen to that gut. if it feels too good to be true, it probably is. if it feels unsafe then it probably is. even if you're being paranoid, better safe than sorry.

ask for ID! that's the first thing that He told me to start doing when we got together. i'm supposed to ask for it anytime that i play now.

is there someone that can act as a shadow for you? you know wait somewhere and wait for a phone call? i've done that a couple of times and it worked out well. the other thing i would suggest is don't play on your first meeting. go to a coffee house or something similar and interact in a completely nonsexual manner first. it cuts down on your chance of not clicking and you'll be able to tell if you feel somewhat safe or not with that person.

_____________________________

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” churchill

the first rule of fluff club is that you don't talk about fluff club!

(in reply to BiCuriousGirl27)

Post #: 3

RE: Safety Concerns... - 7/3/2008 10:18:22 PM

hisannabelle

Posts: 1992
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
Status: offline

greetings bicurious,

i try to always meet people for coffee or in a public place until i feel that i know them pretty well. if that's not a possibility, talking over the phone and asking for things that might identify people online (such as work or school site profiles, if they're comfortable giving that information out) can help with feeling that you know the person is "real." most people, if they are traveling and cannot meet except in someone's home or hotel room, organize safe calls with friends - e.g. if i don't call you by 10pm, here is where i am supposed to be, call the local cops.

respectfully,
a'ishah.

_____________________________

a'ishah (the artist formerly known as annabelle)
i have the kind of beauty that moves...

(in reply to BiCuriousGirl27)

Post #: 4

RE: Safety Concerns... - 7/3/2008 10:32:07 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

If you honestly think it's an issue- just don't do it. Why would you take the risk when it's totally unnecessary?

Do people meet from offline in hotel rooms and fuck and play like bunnies and have a fabulous time? Absolutely.

But if you aren't dead sure about your judgement and sincerely believe this is going to end well, then just DO NOT take the risk.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to hisannabelle)

Post #: 5

RE: Safety Concerns... - 7/3/2008 10:34:21 PM

lovingpet

Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline

I agree with the previous posters. Frankly, I would be suspicious of anyone who wants to meet privately for your first meeting. Even when traveling and having to make the most of a trip, the couple can start at a restaurant or other public area to talk and get to know each other in person. If it does not feel right, use that safecall you have set up as a way to ease out of a situation. Uh... my mom is very sick and I have to get back home NOW! or something along those lines. Find another way out if that won't work, but do not go to the next step if you do not feel comfortable.

My interactions so far have been:
1. Lots and lots of messages and online chats
2. Face to face over coffee or a meal and perhaps phone calls inbetween times
3. Sit down with hubby to discuss boundaries
4. Private meeting for play (which has not yet happened for me) with safecalls and other protective measures in place

Best Wishes and Play Safe,
lovingpet

(in reply to hisannabelle)

Post #: 6

RE: Safety Concerns... - 7/3/2008 10:38:03 PM

Owner4SexSlave

Posts: 1311
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline

The only thing I can think of to add to what others have posted is this...
You can take steps to minimize risks. You can always let somebody (best friend, good friend) know where you are going (motel and room number). That you will be checking in with them the next day. If they have not heard from you, to call.

(in reply to BiCuriousGirl27)

Post #: 7

RE: Safety Concerns... - 7/4/2008 1:04:35 AM

pompeii

Posts: 934
Joined: 1/4/2007
From: Silicon Valley, San Jose, California
Status: offline

The safety is little different than meeting someone on a first date. Make sure a friend knows where you are, institute a double-call system, meet first in public, always keep your phone handy, etc. Same as in real life.

(in reply to Owner4SexSlave)

Post #: 8

RE: Safety Concerns... - 7/4/2008 1:12:09 AM

candystripper

Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BiCuriousGirl27

When I'm invited to meet a dom in a motel or her home, how can I help protect myself? I'm concerned that I'll be robbed, raped or abused against my will.

I'm new to all this so my question is: is there an accepted procedure here? What do most people do? Relying on "gut feelings" seems rather unreliable. Would a dom be offended if I asked to see her ID? Meeting anonymously with someone sounds rather dangerous. Any advice would be very much appreciated...

=- Sally

There are plenty of threads on the subject in the boards' archives; use the 'search' option at the upper right hand corner to find them.

This is my advice:

* Meet in a public place until you trust your partner. Do not get in her car or give her your home address.

* Have a safety call; someone who will use the non-emergency number for your local police department to report you as 'possibly missing' if you fail to answer or return the call within a reasonable amount of time.

* Forget about 'trusting your gut' with regard to dropping your guard with a complete stranger. That's what all Ted Bundy's victims did.

* If anything feels 'off', leave. Forget the bill; forget good manners. Get away from anyone who makes your hair stand on end.

Best wishes, sally.

candystripper

(in reply to BiCuriousGirl27)

Post #: 9

RE: Safety Concerns... - 7/4/2008 2:13:28 AM

MaamJay

Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline

Just a point here ... as a Dominant I insist on meeting a prospective sub in public first. Even though they may have to travel a long way to meet Me, either I meet them as they drive into town or at the airport, and sit for a chat in public until I am OK enough with them and they with Me to take them to My house. Even then, I offer them to stay the first night at the nearby pub, and will take them there and pick them up the next day if they don't have their own transport. After that, if all are at ease with each other, they may be offered the spare room. I actively encourage them to have safe calls in place and remind them to make those calls on time so their friend isn't worrying about them. To Me this is all part of being a responsible Dominant, both in terms of the safety of the submissive ... but also for My safety! It's not only the sub who is physically at risk!

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to candystripper)

Post #: 10

RE: Safety Concerns... - 7/4/2008 4:26:55 AM

HalloweenWhite

Posts: 1028
Joined: 6/20/2005
Status: offline

Dont meet anyone in their home, it's always best to meet in a public place. If you want to meet somwhere quieter then you need to set up a "slent alarm"-tell some trusted friends where you're going and when you'll be back, have them wait for you close by and if you aren't back by the time you said you would be they should come to where you are or get the police.

But in general, I'd say meet in a public place until you know the person you're playing with well.

(in reply to BiCuriousGirl27)

Post #: 11

RE: Safety Concerns... - 7/4/2008 5:02:44 AM

silkncarol

Posts: 318
Status: offline

Like other posters have said...always go with your gut feeling and use ALL the safety measures you can. You really should KNOW the person you're playing with....especially for private play..otherwise i would suggest playing in a public venue of some type..party, dungeon, event.

Years ago my first Dominant taught me a invaluable lesson on safety.....it was relatively early in our relationship.... I was stripped naked..my wrists cuffed to my ankles..blindfolded....He took a HUGE knife and proceeded to give me a long and detailed lecture on all the ways harm could come to a submissive who puts herself in the wrong place or with the wrong person puncuated with the feel of his knife on my body....painting very vivid descriptions of the body, the morgue, the family identifying the body. I couldn't have screamed if i'd wanted to....i was so scared. Even though it was a great mind fuck...it's a lesson learned i'll never forget.

Always be safe...if a Dominant can't understand that simple request..how will you feel safe putting yourself into his hands?

_____________________________

We attract hearts by the qualities we display. We retain them by the qualities we possess.

Shoes can change your life................. Cinderella

(in reply to HalloweenWhite)

Post #: 12

RE: Safety Concerns... - 7/4/2008 10:06:06 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

I'm a great believer in meeting at a bookstore Starbucks. I'm surrounded by customers and employees. And if I got stood up, I could still get a new book.

Honestly, if someone pushes you to not feel comfortable for a first meet, they've proven that they won't respect your boundaries.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to silkncarol)

Post #: 13

RE: Safety Concerns... - 7/4/2008 10:39:08 AM

fungasm

Posts: 321
Joined: 8/2/2007
Status: offline

I've got to disagree with most of the people who have posted.... Y'all didn't answer the question....

So why wouldn't you want to meet in a public place? Because you don't want to go through the looks you get when someone approaches you and says "hi- are you ....." Because you can't have the conversation you want to have in public. (The room always seems to grow quiet so your question about how hard they can flog just travels.) And then there may be the other point... you may not want to have a long conversation... You may just want to be flogged or used or deliciously abused and not go through an extensive interview to get there....

Steps you can take to protect yourself when meeting in a home or hotel:

- Don't meet a stranger. How do you do this- make sure you know them really well online. Get their real name and google them. If you are meeting for kink play- and this is someone who does this regularly- ask for references. Spend more time talking on line and on the phone. (Once you have their phone number, google the phone number).

- NICE Hotels are safer than homes. CSI not withstanding, hotel rooms are NOT the crime scenes they are made out to be. When someone takes a nice hotel room, they have to provide full id. Most hotels have cameras in the hallways and other security.

- Let someone know where you are going. If you live alone and don't wish to share- leave a note on your refrigerator with the day, time and place of appointment.

- Trust your instincts.

- Build to deeper play. Unless you can verify that this is someone who does this safely and well, don't let yourself be immobilized in the first session. Use bondage you can out of.

- Be ready to defend yourself. It's not something you should have to do, but if you are going to meet someone for such play- be ready to get out. Keep your belongings in a tidy pile next to the door so you can pick them up and run.

Television tells us that we should be afraid to meet strangers because they are ready to kill and dismember us, or do acts we don't want. But my research (which is not definitive or complete) indicates that those people who are going to kill and dismember strangers are NOT part of online communities towards positive sexuality. In other words people who torture kittens do not find use to talk in the kitten owner forums.

----
That said, here are the things you really need to look out for....

- If they can't handle a flogger or whip well, don't let them use it on you. Someone who doesn't know what they are doing with a whip can really hurt you. They won't mean to- but it can happen.

- If they bring sex toys, make certain they are ALL covered. Unless you watch them come out of shrink wrapped packaging, and even then, put a condom on it. You have more to risk from sex toys that have been used on other people than most of the things you fear.

- Use protection. If something sexual happens, you know you are meeting someone for a sexual encounter who meets other strangers for sexual encounters... use condoms, dental dams.

- Most importantly, use some common sense. Look at what is going to be touching you whether it is skin or a flogger or anything. If it doesn't look right, don't let it near you.

Alison

Edit corrected spelling

< Message edited by fungasm -- 7/4/2008 10:40:43 AM >

_____________________________

"Science is a lot like sex. Sometimes something useful comes of it, but that's not the reason we're doing it." (Richard Feynman)

Blog: http://antidomme.sensualwriter.com

(in reply to BiCuriousGirl27)

Post #: 14

RE: Safety Concerns... - 7/4/2008 10:40:12 AM

came4U

Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline

I have only met a person in a motel because I knew (met in person)them already.

All I can suggest in this instance is making sure your 'date' knows that you MUST make a safe call to a 'friend' who knows where you are (and minor details of how you met them online etc)...every 2 hours (give or take). If they do not agree to this before meeting...don't go.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 15

RE: Safety Concerns... - 7/4/2008 11:05:36 AM

Usako

Posts: 697
Joined: 7/29/2006
From: NYC
Status: offline

I always meet in public first. This is the year 2008, I'm a woman and I'm in NYC. It's risky enough meeting someone in general (especially off the net) I'm not going to take any more risks by going to their home or a hotel right away.

I always meet people in public, dinner or lunch and a movie? Who knows. This goes for normal first meetings and BDSM first meetings. If you're sitting in a nice, quiet place it's quite easy to have any conversation you want.

Alternatively you could meet them at a BDSM club, still public but obviously more geared toward ending up being spanked or whatever.

But I don't meet people just for sex or just for a BDSM scene so I usually like a date and conversation first. I guess if you're meeting to just get banged, fungasm's post makes sense. Or, meet at a BDSM club first then take it to a hotel.

(in reply to came4U)

Post #: 16

RE: Safety Concerns... - 7/4/2008 11:11:41 AM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

Fungasm, your post was excellent, thank you. I would add, though, I ask the bottom to bring her own toys. Then any bodily fluids she encounters are her own. Plus, it gives her greater control over something that might otherwise be scary.

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Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to fungasm)

Post #: 17

RE: Safety Concerns... - 7/4/2008 11:23:24 AM

vield

Posts: 354
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

I see LOTS of good advice here, and there have been many similar topics in the past,on CM and many other sites.
One true answer is that there are no guarantees. Only you can decide it is safe for you to take each step, and only you can decide that the person or people you are meeting will be safe for you to trust.
ANY time that little voice inside you flashes you a warning... LISTEN! We developed that sense back when there often really was a lion waiting outside our cave, and it may save your life or your emotional health. You may think it rude to say no or to tell someone your period just started when it did not, but if you feel there may be danger, get out!
Ten years from now if you were wrong you and that partner may still be laughing about your fears, but at least you will be here to do so.
I always suggest joining local discussion groups, going to regional scene events where there are event staff watching the play, and talking to the person(s) you may play with long times before being alone with him or her.
LOL if you meet someone that seems nice at an event your BD/SM group is having, at least you can guess a bit closer if the 19 year old Domme girl really is a 70 year old guy or not, unlike in e-mail.
I also suggest that until you feel you have firmly developed mutual trust with someone, you take in whatever they say as data, not as true or as false. Of course this includes anything I tell you!

_____________________________

As always, your mileage may vary!

vield

(in reply to came4U)

Post #: 18

RE: Safety Concerns... - 7/4/2008 12:54:55 PM

cantilena

Posts: 224
Joined: 8/6/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BiCuriousGirl27

When I'm invited to meet a dom in a motel or her home, how can I help protect myself? I'm concerned that I'll be robbed, raped or abused against my will.

I'm new to all this so my question is: is there an accepted procedure here? What do most people do? Relying on "gut feelings" seems rather unreliable. Would a dom be offended if I asked to see her ID? Meeting anonymously with someone sounds rather dangerous. Any advice would be very much appreciated...

=- Sally

A lot of the responses here are excellent, and I don't have a lot to add, except this: Please don't disregard "gut feelings" as unreliable. They are perhaps the best form of protection you have. Listen to them closely... that's my advice.

The tone of your post suggests to me that you already have a voice inside speaking to you, or you perhaps wouldn't have phrased things in terms of "concern"... I can't say that because I don't know you or the situation. Could be (and probably is) harmless.

But DO listen to your gut.

(in reply to BiCuriousGirl27)

Post #: 19

RE: Safety Concerns... - 7/4/2008 12:57:45 PM

MasterHermes

Posts: 136
Joined: 5/23/2008
Status: offline

Although I am not going to say "Dont follow these advices" , letting your friends know where you are going, or asking her to show ID, wont help you much if you put yourself in a dangerous situation. These are the steps for ensuring your assulter can be caught after already harm is done to you. So you need to be sure not putting yourself into danger at the first point . Those advices are also already given to you in this thread so there is no need to repeat them.

Be Safe
Hermes

(in reply to vield)

Post #: 20

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