RE: being both wife/girlfriend and submissive..does it change the relationship? (Full Version)

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julietsierra -> RE: being both wife/girlfriend and submissive..does it change the relationship? (7/4/2008 10:43:13 AM)

My Master once told me, "I may love you, but I will NEVER allow that to interfere in how this relationship is structured. I am who I am. If you want something different, you'll have to find it elsewhere - but if you do, I won't be involved."

And that's how we've set things. I love him dearly. He loves me. But he is and always will be my Master - even if others might have other words for our relationship. We work together. We laugh. We love. And He's my Master; I'm his slave.

Pretty simple really.

juliet



NeedDesire -> RE: being both wife/girlfriend and submissive..does it change the relationship? (7/4/2008 1:12:23 PM)

I understand the dilemma. I also understand - as evidenced by the responses here - that there are many different possible scenarios and resolutions based on the people involved and their personal preferences. That being said I also think it is perfectly acceptable and plausible to divide the two roles - within a relationship or in different relationships. Within a relationship you might have agreed upon signals or conditions which permit role shifts so that some of the time you have an egalitarian dynamic and others a D/s. You might also have an egalitarian partnership with one person and a power exchange partnership with a dominant person. The two do not need to be the same person provided you are all comfortable with non-monogamy. Actually I have friends who are life partners but are not sexual and each are monogamous with another. Many arrangements are possible. I think it is important to find out what works best for you and the people in your life and not judge yourself by other people's standards.




Sabella -> RE: being both wife/girlfriend and submissive..does it change the relationship? (7/4/2008 3:03:24 PM)

Does it change the relationship? Not necessarily
Can it? Yes absolutely

It's going to be dependent on the people involved and the degree to which both are willing to keep the dynamic the same. But even with those best of intentions - it's not the first time I've heard of love getting in the way.

In our relationship it is something we've talked about. It's not a problem, but it's a problem [:D] because he loves me. So yes it can subtly change the dynamic from time to time. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but one or both will have to work a little harder to get past it, or be successful in compartmentalizing it.



lronitulstahp -> RE: being both wife/girlfriend and submissive..does it change the relationship? (7/4/2008 3:16:56 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Shawn1066

I am my Owner's slave.  I am also her fiance and I basically fill the role of housewife quite often.  We're deeply in love, and there is a strong, intense, romantic part of our dynamic.  We're equal, our roles are merely different.  We can be equal as human being and have an entirely lop-sided power dynamic.  As I said before, I am her slave...I defer to her leadership and to her decisions.

This is how we excel and this is what it works for us.  It hasn't changed our relationship because we've always had the same dynamic.  I can love my Owner and still be her willing, obedient slave.  Likewise, she can love her property and still make the firm decisions necessry to be the absolute power in the relationship.

DV's Fox
i am sooo looking forward to meeting you, both.  Great post!



SweetiePie26 -> RE: being both wife/girlfriend and submissive..does it change the relationship? (7/4/2008 5:42:04 PM)

~Quick Reply~

I think it depends on the people involved. Some people can't handle being both, some people can. As far as me and Master, I am his slave always, and yes I am considered his girlfriend as well and we are in love and it's beautiful, it makes his Mastery of me no less. He is in charge, for us just because I am considered his girlfriend doesn't mean we are 50/50.. those are just words.. labels.. they do not mean the same thing for everyone. I am his romantic partner, his slave, will be his wife, everything that I am he is ALWAYS the one in charge, and he always will be.



noonnap -> RE: being both wife/girlfriend and submissive..does it change the relationship? (7/6/2008 9:14:36 AM)

before i was a sub i was a wife. i found only a few differences. as a sub my actions are more noticed and i more often recieve praise. besides marriage is the original Ds relationship if you think about it.



CelticPrince -> RE: being both wife/girlfriend and submissive..does it change the relationship? (7/6/2008 4:18:49 PM)

quote:

I perfrom many of the functions as a girlfriend/wife/lover but I am not those things. I will keep His house, and be His date to parties, and keep Him company in the evenings, screw His brains out on the weekend/in the morning/during lunch/after dinner, support Him through bad times, congratulate Him and celebrate with Him in good times

The things that is different is that *all* of that is done on His terms, under His control, and for His pleasure. He has all the control and that is exactly how I want it.

Our relationship is a partnership in that we are both required to work equally hard to make it work .. but it is not an *equal* partnership. there is no external refernce for terms like "fair" or "just" like there is for a wife or lover or girlfriend. There is us keeping our word to each other.


softness,

Well said words that i can agree with.

CP



slaveluci -> RE: being both wife/girlfriend and submissive..does it change the relationship? (7/6/2008 5:15:23 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CelticPrince

quote:

I perfrom many of the functions as a girlfriend/wife/lover but I am not those things. I will keep His house, and be His date to parties, and keep Him company in the evenings, screw His brains out on the weekend/in the morning/during lunch/after dinner, support Him through bad times, congratulate Him and celebrate with Him in good times

The things that is different is that *all* of that is done on His terms, under His control, and for His pleasure. He has all the control and that is exactly how I want it.

Our relationship is a partnership in that we are both required to work equally hard to make it work .. but it is not an *equal* partnership. there is no external refernce for terms like "fair" or "just" like there is for a wife or lover or girlfriend. There is us keeping our word to each other.


softness,

Well said words that i can agree with.

CP

Well said but I can't necessarily agree with the highlighted phrases.  As I pointed out in another thread the other day, not all wives, lovers and girlfriends can be neatly lumped into one group of people who "expect" this or that or act a certain way.  "Fair" or "just" aren't necessarily terms bandied about by ALL wives, lovers and girlfriends.  "Keeping our word" to each other is as tantamount in our M/s and Husband/wife relationship as in yours or anyone elses without always focusing on what's "fair" or "just."  You aren't a wife, lover or girlfriend and that's great for you, I suppose.  Again, those of us who are more than one of those things simultaneously aren't necessarily on some different level than you.  Some of us want to and can successfully fill more than one role at a time.  If you don't believe that of me, just look at beth[;)]..............luci



ownedgirlie -> RE: being both wife/girlfriend and submissive..does it change the relationship? (7/6/2008 7:03:41 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetiePie26

~Quick Reply~

I think it depends on the people involved. Some people can't handle being both, some people can. As far as me and Master, I am his slave always, and yes I am considered his girlfriend as well and we are in love and it's beautiful, it makes his Mastery of me no less. He is in charge, for us just because I am considered his girlfriend doesn't mean we are 50/50.. those are just words.. labels.. they do not mean the same thing for everyone. I am his romantic partner, his slave, will be his wife, everything that I am he is ALWAYS the one in charge, and he always will be.



Sometimes (and I would be willing to bet more often than not) it's not at all about what someone can or can't handle, but it's about what they want for themselves.  Nor does it mean, as luci suggested, that they think they are on a different level than anyone else.  It is simply that in the umbrella of "roles" (for lack of a better word) that fall under our slavery, wife/girlfriend is not one of them.  I am no more my Master's girlfriend than I am his mechanic.  It's not something I aspire to nor will ever be.  Why?  Because that is just not how our dynamic works.  He doesn't want that of me, and I don't want to be that.



Daddysredhead -> RE: being both wife/girlfriend and submissive..does it change the relationship? (7/6/2008 7:46:07 PM)

Daddy and I started off as friends, then bf/gf, then D/s.  We have been all over the place, but He has always pretty much held the top doggie spot.  There are times when I talk to Him and say, "As your friend, I need to be really straight with you."  I am not disrespectful nor am I catty, I just want Him to know that I am trying to be very direct, with love and caring and a certain level of "equality" (for lack of a better word) to it.  He understands that and has never gotten irritated with me for clarifying how I am addressing a particular situation.  I am always His slave and girlfriend, but I was His best friend first, and that is the foundation for everything else we have built upon.  It's worked for us for 5 years, and I wish you the same kind of happiness.



LadyRainfire -> RE: being both wife/girlfriend and submissive..does it change the relationship? (7/6/2008 8:16:15 PM)

Like Red, we started as friends (here on CM) then moved on from there. I moved up here to be with Daddy at the end of May, knowing that we are 24/7 partners, D/s, friends, lovers, and engaged to be married. I earned my collar on Friday, the 4th, the same day he also got me my engagement ring. Does this affect our relationship? No, it was what we discussed and agreed on before even getting serious. I serve him in any way he wants me to, even around others, even if they don't know the D/s aspect of our lives. They just see us as devoted and in love, with me doing what I can for him.

I don't believe that "aspiring" and "merely" are good words to describe the various aspects of relationships, whether vanilla or D/s. As has been expressed, some are very happy serving as a submissive or slave and don't need or want that additional role of gf/bf/wife/husband, whatever. Every person needs to work out what they want and go for that, defining their own self, label themselves, if you will, rather than trying to fit into someone else's pigeonhole.

As for partnerships being 50/50, before my first marriage, my boss at work gave some advice that I've never forgotten. Partnerships are not 50/50. Some days you may give 75 and your partner 25, some days it may be 90/10, some days 15/85, maybe more, maybe less. There will be days when you give everything and receive nothing and vice versa, where you give nothing or little and your partner gives everything. And there will be those days when you give 125% and your partner 125% and it still may not be enough. Partnerships are living things, that change and go with the flow of life. The key is to work together, talk, share and love life together.



VioletAshes -> RE: being both wife/girlfriend and submissive..does it change the relationship? (7/7/2008 2:52:42 AM)

Wife and submissive.
 
It does change our relationship in that we are 90% of the time a 'vanilla' couple - however, this changes significantly when we are in the bedroom or on our own in our home. I do feel our love allows us to connect through our D/s connection in a different and varied way that others may not experience.
 
I do sometime's become frustrated when he is easy on me or his dominance wanes because life gets in the way. I need a strictness that I think can be hard for him to maintain at all times. However, we are yet to discuss this.
 
I have had D/s relationships with men who were not my partner or whom I was not in love with and the connection (for me) was no where near as fulfilling.



littleone35 -> RE: being both wife/girlfriend and submissive..does it change the relationship? (7/7/2008 12:07:10 PM)

Girlfriend and submissive 
It does not hurt the Ds part of our relationship it only makes it better.  We know that he is in charge of our relationship and me. We both work at it though.  Just because we are very much it love does not me that we are less Ds then others it just means that everybody is diferent.

Matt's littleone



TwoNYCDommes -> RE: being both wife/girlfriend and submissive..does it change the relationship? (7/7/2008 12:26:53 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: captiveprincess
Dominants please feel free to comment from Your side of the question.  Would You want Your submissive to also be Your romantic partner?


While I am open to various types of relationships, I am far more interested in submissives than in romantic partners.



roland23 -> RE: being both wife/girlfriend and submissive..does it change the relationship? (7/7/2008 12:30:37 PM)

Unfortunately, I have had numerous breakups with girlfriends over BDSM. Most of these however were in the 1970s and 1980s, people seem to be more enlightened these days.  



briarrosethorne -> RE: being both wife/girlfriend and submissive..does it change the relationship? (7/7/2008 2:41:25 PM)

In my opinion, i am both His submissive and His woman. i care for Him and He cares for me in
turn, we support each other and we make decissions together. but i am His sub i do my best to
aticipate His needs and make sure He is taken care of, that His home is taken care of. We have
talked about getting married and having a family and working our D/s relationship around it and
what not. It will be diffucult for both of us but any relationship is work lol. We're happy.



suessub -> RE: being both wife/girlfriend and submissive..does it change the relationship? (7/7/2008 10:38:23 PM)

what LadyRainfire said. The idea that the ideal relationship should strive to be a 50/50 split doesn't work in reality. If you think that is how things should be, then you are approaching it from a quid pro quo point of view. And that is a defensive way into a relationship. "I am only going to give as much as I think I will get."

No, give all you have to give and hope what you get back is what you need. If it is not, then that is not the relationship to be in. And the worst case, you'll get your heart broken and feel like crap. But that too shall pass. Best case, it will work and you'll find all you need. Or die trying. Besides, what else have you got to do with your life?

With that in mind, there is no conflict to having a D/s relationship with the one you are romantically involved. For myself, I have my submission I want to give. My wife have her desire to dominate. I offer her my body to beat and she relishes the chance to apply her canes and whip on my ass. She wants to take control and command me to bath and pamper her and I get to spend an evening worshiping a beautiful woman. We are each giving what we have to give and in turn getting what we need. We are never thinking in terms of 50/50. We each focus on what we are good at and know in doing so together we get to go where neither can go alone.

Of course, the flip side of this is we both waited a long time until we did meet and had to take great measures to come together. But that was 16 years ago.



newwacoguy -> RE: being both wife/girlfriend and submissive..does it change the relationship? (7/8/2008 6:25:26 AM)

I read the original blog an a few of the comments. My sub and I are happily married and have our son. On the outside we look like the average couple with a 50/50 exchange but at home and in private it goes more of the 90/10 way. That dosen't mean that our lifestlye is all control and punishment we live more like in the 30's and 40's lifestyle. I am the head of the house but she is the neck and helps in pointing out what needs to be noticed first and foremost. It is my resonsabiltiy to lead the home and she will make suggestions for change but I have the final say. We are both contnt with this. I believe that the dom should make it known for there sub  what there intnetions likes and dislikes are and as a dom they should know what there sub wants and craves. so that everything balances back out in the end



TwoNYCDommes -> RE: being both wife/girlfriend and submissive..does it change the relationship? (7/8/2008 7:10:10 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark
I also take issue with this staement also.
quote:

ORIGINAL: captiveprincess
Some people aspire to have that girlfriend/wife status and others are content merely serving as the submissive/slave.  

Aspire to be girlfriend/wife?  Merely a submissive or slave?  You obviously place these on a lower level and that is where your problem lies.   

 
I second Darcyandthedark's objection.  I have had submissives/slaves who were far more important to me than most boyfriends/girlfriends have been.



Chrisdeb7478 -> RE: being both wife/girlfriend and submissive..does it change the relationship? (7/8/2008 7:41:27 AM)

personally i have been with Daddy 11 years and think its a fuller relationship as we are wed. Marriage depending on how it is ran can be a very fullfilling relationship mine is more old fashioned. i take care of our children, the cooking and mst of the cleaning. yes also bicker with him onn some points but the submission in still there in  my heart if not always coming frfom my heart



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