ProtagonistLily
Posts: 1222
Joined: 12/27/2004
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quote:
So far as I can tell, if there is any kind of 'standard' BDSM dynamic, it would be something like this:
The bottom consents, in a general sense, to be in a D/s relationship with his or her top.
Well, yes, but then the Top has to consent to be with the bottom in question as well. If all you are doing is reading profiles, then I suppose your viewpoint could be skewed. It sort of sounds, from your description, that the Tops sort of show up and point to a bottom and she's supposed to go 'um, no way or OK". It's really more like vanilla dating with more fun toys in my experience. But, my point here would be, both people would need to consent to a 'relationship'. Sometimes, people just play with each other and it never evolved to a relationship. That's perfectly acceptable too...
quote:
The terms of that relationship (or the nature of it or however you want to word it) are that the bottom does as the top says, but that there are certain limits, what we call hard limits, that the top is not to cross or the relationship could potentially end.
I would agree with that assessment in the most general of terms. What I'm not getting a sense of, from your description, is that there's actually any mutual interest, respect and/or fondness or love here. What I'm hearing is that "Top says jump, and bottom jumps because that's what he/she's consented to". In my experience, that's a very elementary idea of what a BDSM relationship is all about.
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The bottom, may not actually consent to individual commands or requirements, but does consent to be in the relationship knowing that they can be forced to do things.
I suppose this is the case, but relationships of any manner, are rarely as cut and dry as this - BDSM relationships are many times multi faceted and hard to define in such 'tab A, slot B' terms.
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Again like most things involving people, there are endless permutations and variations but that seems to be the basic, core principle of a BDSM relationship to me, though I'm sure someone will disagree with me.
Not disagree, just happy you see that there may be room to move here rather than adhere to a strict code of conduct.
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In a mature BDSM relationship like that, it seems simple enough. Like any relationship, I am sure it is hard work, but relatively straight forward.
Yeah pretty much. I behave the way he expects and do the things he expects, I get stroked. When I don't, it creates problems. NOTE: This is not to say he's perfect. He's not - and we both know it. He expects me to be honest when he asks my opinions and he's able to self assess and admit when his way isn't working or there is a better way. Our understanding and interpretation of TPE is that there is an active power exchange going on; but I didn't sign up and get stupid. He expects me to use my brain and be an active participant in the relationship.
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What I find more difficult to understand is the time between starting a relationship with someone and reaching this mature stage.
I think it presumes that everyone engaged in a relationship that has some aspect of the BDSM spectrum has what you think they should have and therefore, their timeline would be relevant to you (again, a little tab A, slot B for my experiences). I would caution you on trying to quantify this - relationships are living, breathing things unto themselves and to say "Well, at X amount of time we should be at Y" could be a sort of sabotage.
quote:
Presumably two people do not simply meet and instantly enter into such an 'extreme' dynamic, there must be some kind of transition from zero control when you first meet to the kind of near absolute control you get in a developed relationship. So how does this work? I hope I'm making sense...
Yes, you are making sense.
What I can talk about most clearly is my experience. It's really miraculous that Sir and I even ended up together. I saw his profile here, and he went immediately into my 'reject' pile. In the same breath, I assumed he would not be interested because of his pointed disinterest in submissives of the more 'Rubenesque' body type. C'est la vie, he was a blip on my radar screen. Or so I thought.
We met at a Munch, and after months of running into each other and exchanging emails and what not, we started dating. Yes, I know, dating sounds so...vanilla, but people actually do eat and drink and go to the movies in addition to swinging a whip or saying 'yes please, may I have another..." ~grin~
Six months later, he presented me with a collar and a contract, the terms of which were for 3 years. At the time, I thought that was really fast, the whole collar/contract thing. I take this seriously, and I take collars and contracts seriously and he seemed like a serious guy, but it still seemed sort of 'quick' for me. After I spent about 60 seconds thinking this through, I signed the contract, and he put the collar on me. I wouldn't say this is a 'normal' amount of time. I don't know if it's 'normal' - I know it worked for us and has for 2.5 years.
This contract expires in December. At that time, according to our current contract, we will part amicably or he we will sign an ownership contract that will bind us indefinately. I'm not suggesting that this will work for all couples who are in BDSM relationships, but this has been the path Sir and I have taken and it's been so far, so good.
I hope something I've said has helped.
PL
_____________________________
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"
~Dr. Seuss~
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BDSM, Consent, and The Transition - 
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