When do You let go the past and move on (Full Version)

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Sirrea -> When do You let go the past and move on (7/9/2008 8:49:02 PM)

I have only been a member on CM a short time but yet have met some very understand people on here..My question is this ,after being involded with a Dom for 21 months and a heart retching break up shortly after meeting real time. How do i forget the past and let others close to me again.like I have theses major walls up around me. And so scared to take them down even though I have been speaking to this One Amazing Dom. Keep think is He for real, is it natural theres no red flags coming up. But do I dare let Him in more then I have already what if the past flys up and hits me again. I don't think I can take a other major hit like the one I did, I used to be so sure of myself,nowdays I feel like I'm hiding behind a brick wall looking out at the lifestyle
i love



tinkerbelle3 -> RE: When do You let go the past and move on (7/9/2008 9:05:03 PM)

Yes, it IS difficult to bring your walls down... one person gave me this advice when i was in your shoes. She said, leave the walls up as long as you need to, but keep a crack between the wall and floor for the right person to sneak in. And, in my case, He did!


Good luck to you



NeedingMore220 -> RE: When do You let go the past and move on (7/9/2008 9:11:04 PM)

You can either move forward at a pace that is comfortable for you as you let your guard down again or you can stay stagnant.  You have to figure out which is the one for you.  I wish you well - it's tough to get over being hurt.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: When do You let go the past and move on (7/9/2008 9:11:15 PM)

You don't forget the past, you learn and grow from it.  You recognize that walls are fear reactions and do not serve you.  In reality, walls are screaming signposts that you want someone close and thus are actually very prone to letting someone who knows how to tunnel well and completely blindside you.  Instead of fear reactionary walls, build strong judgements and good insight.



sunshinemiss -> RE: When do You let go the past and move on (7/9/2008 11:48:12 PM)

Hello Sirea,
It's like any relationship... trust yourself.  When you are ready, you will open.  If it's right, he'll still be there. I know it sounds simple, and it is.  It just isn't easy.

peace and passion,
sunshine



julietsierra -> RE: When do You let go the past and move on (7/10/2008 1:32:08 AM)

Well, I always took a more active role in the wall demolition process. My first step once I got sick and tired of being behind walls, was to start to take inventory. I would look at the relationship that ended and see what went wrong. The thing is, I never looked at what the guy did. I already knew that - ad nauseum. What I looked at is what *I* did and what *I* could do differently the next time around. (And I know this is difficult. It's ALWAYS easier blaming the other person. What they have done is ALWAYS so much more clear and evident.)

Anyway, what I discovered is that in my case, the walls were always up to protect me from.... ME. And once I discovered what needed to be fixed in me - how I approached the relationship, how I validated me, whatever - whatever mistakes, faux pas, etc I'd inadvertantly made - and then took steps to make sure I didn't do these things again (sometimes even just being aware of them helped immensely), the walls came tumbling down.

Relationships never fail because of one person. It takes two to make one and it takes two to destroy one. Introspection is always a good thing. Making valuable life changes because of the results of that introspection is wonderful.

And...

Because I'm essentially nosy, the thing that jumped out at me was the fact that you spent nearly two years talking to someone before meeting him. The FIRST change I'd make is to put my heart in a safe place and just meet the next guy - face to face as close to immediately as possible - BEFORE my heart took over. I mean, you meet people every day don't you? And you aren't madly, passionately in lust with any of them, right? So, it wouldn't be a far stretch to just meet the guy out of the gate, get that awkward part over with and THEN decide if you are interested - leaving the mad, passionate, lust-filled feelings to grow from there. Would it?

There are ALWAYS intangibles that you can't discern through talking online. (One guy I met before I'd learned this lesson couldn't/wouldn't close his mouth while chewing. We'd talked online and over the phone and I'd felt very close to this guy. But when I couldn't look at him while we were eating dinner... well.. I was done before we'd even begun. I actually would turn my head so that I couldn't see him and I found that all those feelings of closeness were right there. I learned two lessons from that meeting. 1) I loved the sound of his voice - not him. and 2) He wasn't right for me. I felt badly that we'd spend so much time getting to know each other and that something as small as the food that kept dropping out of his mouth as he talked turned me off so much - but that's the way it was. That's when I learned to meet people as soon as possible.

The way I finally came to a resolution regarding this (when fears over doing things this way would rear its head) was to recognize that I could talk to great guys forever online and miss all the fun of knowing them in person and that whether I met someone after 2 weeks or 2 years,  if it wasn't going to work out, then it wasn't going to work out and I'd rather know this after 2 weeks than 2 years.

Just a thought

juliet



lally3 -> RE: When do You let go the past and move on (7/10/2008 3:21:01 AM)

hi

from what i can make out from your post, you spent much of the relationship time on-line, that creates an intensity of emotions, and much of those emotions were fed by fantasy - im NOT minimising what youre feeling ATALL, but the fact is that the internet coupled with subbie needs and subbie feelings of connection and submission can be very powerful.  the trouble with an on-line and telephone based relationship is that there is no way of knowing if the chemistry between you is going to work out.  and apparently, miserably it didnt when you finally met.  this is why a number of people get the first meet-up over quickly, it avoids all of this emptyness, after months of having someone 'there'.

right now youre missing the psychological and emotional tie of submission to someone, but in order for you to move on, you have to put everything into perspective.  youre not switching your emotions and submission from the last to the next - moving on is about learning and leaving it in the past - and you have to because the option is to stay as you are for the rest of your life... and well, youre not gonna do that, now are you?!

- this is a process, allow it, embrace it as natural and necessary and approach the next time with a better idea of how you want to play it.

a very good friend on here gave me some excellent advice, and im going to pass it on to you.  dont make this search the everything in your life.  try to see the 'search' as a process that is fun, dont take it too seriously now, dont set your emotions too strongly with any one particular guy until youve met him.  allow yourself time to just look around, talk to as many different guys as you find attractive and remember - dont take it too seriously until youve met.

i know that you want a relationship, you want to fill the void this last one has left and youre right to be cautious.  dont call it a wall, call it learned cautiousness, itll serve you well in not getting too involved until youve met someone. 

and some more advice.  dont when you meet hand it all on a plate, dont flip into sub mode and go any further than youre comfortable, make them hunt you for a bit, want you alot and make sure that you the woman comes through loud and clear before any submission really kicks in. 

just because you spend time getting to know someone well (or so it feels) via satellite doesnt mean that the preliminaries of the physical side of the relationship should be kicked to the curb - see the internet and phone as the intro, everything after that is when the relationship starts to really count.

it feels bad right now, but see yourself a month or two on, know that youll be stronger and much happier by then and focus on that, not on how bad you feel right now, theres no point.  this isnt forever, its just an unpleasant blip.

good luck.  youll find him eventually, just take your time and see it as a fun process thatll pay off in the end.



RedMagic1 -> RE: When do You let go the past and move on (7/10/2008 6:09:41 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: julietsierra

Anyway, what I discovered is that in my case, the walls were always up to protect me from.... ME.

Julia, you kick ass.



MasterFireMaam -> RE: When do You let go the past and move on (7/10/2008 7:31:32 AM)

How would you do that if it were a vanilla relationship? Just because these relationships have a power dynamic doesn't mean you throw all your skills out the window.

Master Fire



eyesopened -> RE: When do You let go the past and move on (7/10/2008 8:58:45 AM)

Time is an artificial measure and doesn't really exist.  This very moment is all there is.  The past is gone and therefore does not exist now.  The future is not here and therefore does not exist now.  The time to let go of the past, is now. 

Another way to look at it:  You drive into a deep pothole jolts the entire car, maybe causing you to bite your tongue or bump your head.   Do you continue to look in the rearview mirror, hoping to avoid that pothole in the future?  Better look forward if that's the direction you wish to travel or you will get into a wreck for sure!  Instead of staring at that pothole you plunged into, remember what a deep pothole looks like, drive forward, looking forward and with confidence that not only are you better equipped to not fall into potholes but that driving into one once in a while is not the end of the world.



sweetnurseBBW -> RE: When do You let go the past and move on (7/10/2008 9:10:02 AM)

Sometimes we get comfortable with the walls up and don't learn from the past and move on.  Learn from what happened so you are not doomed to repeat it again. it is hard to put the walls down and move on. There is a certain time when grieving over the end of relationship is normal and then after a prolonged time it can be hampering. If it is causing you to not enjoy life then maybe you need some outside help to help you deal with the issues.



CalifChick -> RE: When do You let go the past and move on (7/10/2008 9:28:38 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: julietsierra

... you spent nearly two years talking to someone before meeting him. The FIRST change I'd make is to put my heart in a safe place and just meet the next guy - face to face as close to immediately as possible - BEFORE my heart took over.


What she said.

Cali



sweetwenchie -> RE: When do You let go the past and move on (7/10/2008 1:04:29 PM)

Speaking only for myself, i used to say (only half jokingly) that i didn't have walls... i had a nice fortress complete with a moat filled with nasty big toothed beasties protecting me.  Take some time to learn from the past, but try not to let it rule your future.  The only one you will hurt by keeping yourself closed off is you.  Take time to heal, do try not to hide away, make friends, keep yourself out there physically and mentally as much as you are able to.

Never know when someone will find a way around all your protections and barriers, no matter how well built you think the wall is, there are always chinks and gaps.  :)



bashfulhuck -> RE: When do You let go the past and move on (7/11/2008 1:50:14 AM)

Sirrea, my heart truly goes out to you, and I wish you good fortune. I know right where you are at right now, and I want to let you know that realizing the walls are there and wanting to bring them down is a good first step.
I did not break up with my first Owner, she passed away a good number of years ago. I was crushed, broken, alone, scared, grieving, had no safety net within the BDSM community. After she passed, alot of "our" friends disappeared in fairly short order, leaving me with nobody to help me through the times. So I also built some pretty fantastic walls. They began coming down again in the presence of 2 very special new friends of mine, Master Jake and his slave emma. They are now crumbling at a huge rate thanks to my new Owner. She shows me so much love and affection, and she's truly focused on helping me to heal. That healing is coming because I am finding a very deep love and devotion to her,  and I realize that life goes on, and the universe puts things in our path in it's own time. My job is to accept those things, learn from them, and enjoy my life. 
Have an open, honest talk with the new wonderful Dom friend, and tell him just exactly what is going on. Let him know where you are at.  That alone will be a giant first step to bringing down your walls. Just realize, you are a wonderful person, and you deserve to have somebody that will love and care for you as well.




julietsierra -> RE: When do You let go the past and move on (7/11/2008 3:11:35 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: eyesopened

Another way to look at it:  You drive into a deep pothole jolts the entire car, maybe causing you to bite your tongue or bump your head.   Do you continue to look in the rearview mirror, hoping to avoid that pothole in the future?  Better look forward if that's the direction you wish to travel or you will get into a wreck for sure!  Instead of staring at that pothole you plunged into, remember what a deep pothole looks like, drive forward, looking forward and with confidence that not only are you better equipped to not fall into potholes but that driving into one once in a while is not the end of the world.


eyesopened:

I know what you're saying, but see... I come from Michigan (renowned locally for it's mammoth, car-eating potholes)... and well... the analogy doesn't work.  Cause those damn potholes, either in front of you or behind you can really mess you up if you hit them. (They did me.) So, speaking as someone who routinely has to avoid potholes...

If I hit a pothole that jolted the entire car and bounced me around like that, before I lost an entire axle, I'd slow way down, and drive more carefully, always on the lookout for more potholes - right up until road construction season (most commonly known as summer) started and the road was fixed.

But to use your analogy, sometimes, when the potholes get really bad along the road you always take, you just have to look for an alternate route. What's neat about the alternate route is that, quite often, the scenery is much nicer, the drive much more enjoyable, and if you've done your homework and have become a better judge of the road, you'll get to the same destination you were heading to when you fell into that first pothole.

And the ride will be fun again.

juliet





RealSub58 -> RE: When do You let go the past and move on (7/11/2008 5:37:39 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sirrea

I have only been a member on CM a short time but yet have met some very understand people on here..My question is this ,after being involded with a Dom for 21 months and a heart retching break up shortly after meeting real time.
Several things ~ 21 months is like 2 years.  I will say that if you cannot meet someone real time within the first few months (6-8 weeks) then the time spent emailing or phoning or chatting is wasted cause  people (males and females) seem to fantasize based on false reality who the other person is.   It is only heart wrenching if you have built that other person up into someone they are not. If there is compatability and attraction and commonality in the first few months and real life time together ....then you wont have to waste a year on fantasy.
 
How do i forget the past and let others close to me again.like I have theses major walls up around me.
I have been learning a major lesson ~  NEVER hold the sins of other against someone new. Just because someone else did not meet your expectations in reality, does not mean you make that person the measuring rod of trust in future relationships.
You are ONLY cheating yourself ... leave the rubbish and move on.
 
And so scared to take them down even though I have been speaking to this One Amazing Dom.
He is amazing already and you have not even met him? Your expectations might cloud the reality of this One Amazing Dom.  He is a man for goodness sake.
 
 
Keep think is He for real, is it natural theres no red flags coming up.
Are you looking for red flags?  You already have the man on a pedestal, so no there are no precautionary symptoms.  Met the man and stop fantasizing about how awesome he is, cause he just may not be a prince but a frog and then you will have your heart wrenched again, of course, once again blaming it on the other.
 
But do I dare let Him in more then I have already what if the past flys up and hits me again.
It is your past not his..and you are holding him accountable to your past?   You let him in more ONLY after you met him and see what reality truly is.  Then you proceed.
 
I don't think I can take a other major hit like the one I did,
I used to be so sure of myself,nowdays I feel like I'm hiding behind a brick wall looking out at the lifestyle i love
You were sure of yourself before....  you changed and grew and learned....now take that knowledge and be sure of your self again.
If you stay in the stagnant pool of water, the misquitos will eat you up.
 





eyesopened -> RE: When do You let go the past and move on (7/11/2008 7:50:56 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: julietsierra

But to use your analogy, sometimes, when the potholes get really bad along the road you always take, you just have to look for an alternate route. What's neat about the alternate route is that, quite often, the scenery is much nicer, the drive much more enjoyable, and if you've done your homework and have become a better judge of the road, you'll get to the same destination you were heading to when you fell into that first pothole.

And the ride will be fun again.

juliet


See?  The analogy does work and what a beautiful and well-stated comment!  Yes, sometimes it's just better to take the alternative route, even if you think it will take longer!  i've found some of the best times of my life by taking a different route, both figuratively and literally.  ~smiles~



stella41b -> RE: When do You let go the past and move on (7/11/2008 11:41:17 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Sirrea

I have only been a member on CM a short time but yet have met some very understand people on here.



Why thank you. Welcome to the boards.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sirrea

My question is this ,after being involded with a Dom for 21 months and a heart retching break up shortly after meeting real time.



21 months online? Okay. First point, not all relationships work out, not even after months and months of preparation. In fact most relationships don't work out. This is a fact of life. The fact that a relationship between you and another person failed doesn't make you a failure nor the other person. It just means that whatever was needed for the success of the relationship failed to happen. How and why lies between you and the other person.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sirrea

How do i forget the past and let others close to me again.



You don't forget your past. Your past becomes part of you. It's your experience, your memories, it becomes part of you. You don't need to forget the past, you just need to stop living in your past and come into the present day. Look at it this way, you've loved and lost, but you're alive, you're breathing, you haven't lost any body parts, been struck down by any illnesses, disabilities, and look at what was successful, you and the other person tried for 21 months. Surely not all of those 21 months were horrible, or were they? Surely there were happy times? Memories? Good feelings? Isn't it good to be alive and hear the birds singing? See the sun shining? Isn't it good to be young, to have so much ahead of you? To be free to trust, free to share, free to love?

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sirrea

like I have theses major walls up around me. And so scared to take them down even though I have been speaking to this One Amazing Dom.



Oh dear. This worries me. Two reasons. Firstly you're building walls. Now building walls and even having your own fortress is fine, it's great for emotional healing. However what's the point of having a fortress if you're going to keep the portcullis raised and the drawbridge down? Now we have this One Amazing Dom. So okay, what's the fairy tale? Who are you in this fairy tale? Cinderella? Sleeping Beauty? Snow White? I mean, you've already found Prince Charming, no? However this isn't a fairy tale, but real life, and those who appear to be Princes can often turn out to be frogs or (gasp!) wolves. Then what? I would certainly hope that another 20 months down the line you're not going to be saying 'Master, what big eyes you've got..', or realising that Bashful or Sneezy, who you rejected along with the other six dwarves, were actually right.

This Dom is just a guy, just a Dom, nothing more. I'd wait until a few years have passed before you start thinking that he's amazing. You see, if you get to be with him for say five years, and you tell everyone that he's this One Amazing Dom I bet everyone will believe you. Far more than if say you've exchanged two or three messages here and a couple of IM conversations. But you know your world fell apart the last time, but please don't fool yourself. Your self-esteem and self-confidence should be coming from you, not him. You're the one who's going to be hurt if this new relationship goes pear-shaped.

But I go back to the beginning when we're talking about building walls. Nothing will protect you in a relationship, relationships are risky, in fact they're mostly crap shoots, and if you cannot handle the risks involved then don't have relationships. If you feel you can handle the risks and the consequences, then go ahead, and I wish you well. All the same keep your girlfriends, white shoes, and learn to dance round each others' handbags in nightclubs just in case.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sirrea

Keep think is He for real, is it natural theres no red flags coming up.



He could well be real. As for the red flags, you've already decided to give him the role of Prince Charming, and who's to say there's not some wicked witch out there somewhere with a black cat, cauldron, and a magic spell which makes you blind to red flags? Your fairy godmother might be busy with her own family, or out looking for her own subs. Looks like you'll have to be your own fairy godmother.

How about a simpler script - boy meets girl? Act I, Scene I?

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sirrea

But do I dare let Him in more then I have already what if the past flys up and hits me again. I don't think I can take a other major hit like the one I did, I used to be so sure of myself,nowdays I feel like I'm hiding behind a brick wall looking out at the lifestyle i love



This is down to you and whether he's worth the risk or the chance. Just because the other relationship didn't work out doesn't mean to say that this one won't either. It might, it might not. Depends. If you feel you 'don't think you can take another hit' then to me this suggests you're not ready to take the risks of a new relationship. But then again, you've become just like the rest of us, as that you've been through a relationship which didn't work out. We're all here to tell the tale, and so are you.

Relationships are a bit like the 'Mind your head' sign above a low doorway. You miss it, and SMACK!! You've banged your head. Then what do you get? People turn to you and say 'Mind your head'. Your head hurts, but you still walk through that doorway, right? Just like learning to ride a bicycle. You fall off your bike, each time there's less and less skin on your knees, but you eventually learn to ride a bike. This is how it is with relationshps.

Be well.



DesFIP -> RE: When do You let go the past and move on (7/11/2008 4:46:21 PM)

If you're not ready then you're not ready.

Beyond that, you explain to the new guy what happened and that you're gunshy and see what his response is. If he's ever had a heartbreak of his own, and has any empathy then his response should be that he won't pressure you, but he would like to see you and let things grow at their own pace. If he demands you totally commit to him immediately, then he isn't the right guy.
The right one will go slow enough that you will find yourself trusting again as you see his words and actions agree.



youngsubgeoff -> RE: When do You let go the past and move on (7/13/2008 11:47:41 AM)

Slowly but surely let your walls down with this dom. I know Ive scared off a few good dommes with the walls I put up. Do not make your walls so high that you cant see properly. 

*hugs*

geoff 



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