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RE: Submissives who are not submissive - 7/12/2008 8:04:22 PM

Quivver

Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Plezurdom1

Now that I have given the broad details of my situation, I want know from a submissive/slave perspective if I should move on in finding a submissive/slave to share my life with now or continue to wait until all is settled whcih could take over a year?

You've spent the last three years setting a presidence of all is `ok` at least to the nilla world who will judge you should this go to the legal system. To put this bluntly, you've allowed much too much and now your bobbing for air.
Moving on and finding a Submissive might work ... at least for you, but ... I would suspect that Drama will follow.
Ask yourself, do you handle Drama well? My guess is you do not or those 3 years wouldnt have passed.....

She's trying to get workmans comp? like others have said... why??
Is she NOT communicating something to you? Has she tired and you have not heard it in language you can understand? It's possible she has tried to address this, but has become apathetic over time, hence the depression.

Sounds to Me like your basically a nice guy who's allowed some control to be taken from you.

My suggestion is to go back to square one and communicate, communicate, communitcate.....
At least you'll get some clues for your next move............

humbly... (lol) Q ... who does identify as a sub even if many dont think so.

_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to Plezurdom1)

Post #: 41

RE: Submissives who are not submissive - 7/12/2008 8:28:39 PM

crouchingtigress

Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline

i see you have stopped posting, i hope it is not that there was too much finger pointing, because i know that can be annoying, yet there is some very heart felt advice here.

actions speak louder then words and her actions say that she is playing a hand with the confidence of a person with a fist full of aces. And when i get a good hand like that it is easy to get cocky, and powertrippy.

i think you have options, but you need to talk to a lawyer about them as soon as possible.

i am sorry you are a world of poo.

thank you for the cautionary tale though.

re: subs POV....yes go on with your life....that is not to say leave this tangled gnarled mess as is...but do what you can do to fix it, set the legal wheels in motion, and while they spin go to your local club and throw some needles and floggers...i think it will do you a world of good.

_____________________________

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This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."

(in reply to Quivver)

Post #: 42

RE: Submissives who are not submissive - 7/12/2008 8:30:42 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: WinsomeDefiance

However, my one regret in my life (surprisingly) is that I lost my house. It was more than just a house..it was home. It had belonged to my parents and when my father died, I sort of inherited it. More or less. The thing is. Giving it up was like abandoning a part of my history. I can see how hard it would be to just risk it all and walk away (or server the agreement), and respect that it may not be all that easy.

I really do understand this. My ex emptied my house of everything I had ever owned - childhood photos, my Dad's music collection, my grandmother's irises (both Dad and Grandmother had recently died), my book collection, etc. It was a huge price to pay to get my soul back. Huge, but worth it. For that reason, I don't regret not having it anymore. Staying to keep it it would have meant losing myself.

PS: I'm sorry you lost your family's home. I understand the pain of it.

_____________________________

Good is the enemy of great.

(in reply to WinsomeDefiance)

Post #: 43

RE: Submissives who are not submissive - 7/12/2008 8:50:22 PM

crouchingtigress

Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline

((((((((((hugs owned and windsome)))))))))....

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(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 44

RE: Submissives who are not submissive - 7/12/2008 8:57:15 PM

WinsomeDefiance

Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

I really do understand this. My ex emptied my house of everything I had ever owned - childhood photos, my Dad's music collection, my grandmother's irises (both Dad and Grandmother had recently died), my book collection, etc. It was a huge price to pay to get my soul back. Huge, but worth it. For that reason, I don't regret not having it anymore. Staying to keep it it would have meant losing myself.

PS: I'm sorry you lost your family's home. I understand the pain of it.

Strange how my experience is so closely mirrored by yours. My husband attempted to burn the house down (for insurance) after I left and everything I had left behind was sold en masse to the insurance agency. Christmas ornaments, family photos etc. My name was forged and I never saw a dime. Aww well. You are right. It was definitely worth the price paid, to know that I dodged that bullet. And to k now that my children and myself came away whole and healthy. I have no doubt in my mind, that we would not have lived, had we stayed.

I'm sorry for your loss as well. (hugs)

Dear OP, please forgive the unintended hijack of your thread. As you can see, however, there are more important things than possessions - in the minds of many submissive women. As you asked for the thoughts from submissive women, you h ave here two examples of women who feel as if ones safety, peace of mind and well being are more important than possessions.

Again, as you asked, it is my particular view on the matter that you lost control and continue to allow the situation to go on. As the Dominant, this is something you have to deal with, and looking for a replacement to fill her shoes before resolving the mess, is not very admirable, in my estimation. I don't know if you were the victm of a scam, or your submissive is the victim of neglect - but I do know I wouldn't touch a Dominant in your situation...no matter how beautiful the home, how many acres, nor how promising the future dungeon was. You really need to get your house in order, before you "get back into the lifestyle." It wouldn't be fair to involve anyone else in that mess.

I hope you will forgive the bluntness. I really hate to be unkind.

Best wishes,
Winsome

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 45

RE: Submissives who are not submissive - 7/12/2008 8:58:25 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

Life is good, Amy!

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Good is the enemy of great.

(in reply to crouchingtigress)

Post #: 46

RE: Submissives who are not submissive - 7/12/2008 9:02:12 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: WinsomeDefiance
Dear OP, please forgive the unintended hijack of your thread. As you can see, however, there are more important things than possessions - in the minds of many submissive women. As you asked for the thoughts from submissive women, you h ave here two examples of women who feel as if ones safety, peace of mind and well being are more important than possessions.

I totally echo all of this, but highlighted the part that is so important...we just don't realize it until we live it.

(hugs back!)

_____________________________

Good is the enemy of great.

(in reply to WinsomeDefiance)

Post #: 47

RE: Submissives who are not submissive - 7/12/2008 11:05:17 PM

theq

Posts: 85
Joined: 6/17/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Plezurdom1

Not only did the submissive behavior change. She also went from working as a nurse to pursuing a workmans comp suit and hasn't been employed since. She sleeps till 2PM and spends most days watching reality shows and playing games on the internet.

I'm not a doctor, but the super-late sleeping sounds like it could be a symptom of depression

(in reply to Plezurdom1)

Post #: 48

RE: Submissives who are not submissive - 7/13/2008 1:31:55 AM

stella41b

Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline

Greetings

Minor hijack. Do you write plays? Just asking, as from your photo here you bear more than a passing resemblance to William Shakespeare. I hope you don't mind me mentioning it, but it's the first thought which crossed my mind when i was reading your OP.

Are there submissives who are not submissive? Why yes there are, just as there are dominants who are not dominant, and this is the paradox of BDSM and "the lifestyle", submissives who are actually dominant and dominants who are actually submissive. It's not so much living "the lifestyle" but a mere illusion of the lifestyle, the illusion of risk and danger without any of the risk and danger actually involved.

Not wishing to take sides here, but things in a relationship juist don't happen unless you both let them happen, and from what I can work out from my own experience is that it's better in any sort of a relationship if things happen as a result of communication.

As for your idea of looking for another submissive and for her to find whoever she would need to find - no, it won't work out this way. Trust me. I came in long distance to a 24/7 relationship with who I thought was a Domme, a businesswoman in London, but who had a failed relationship with a Dom as a submissive female - it was like me not passing a road trafiic accident in a car, but driving into it. I didn't know in advance, as I was told 'male partner' had moved out, and the most positive thing you could say about the three months was that it was the best of a bad job, rather than an unmitigated disaster.

Using a relationship to solve your problems in life never works out. I have my own issues, and my attempts at solving these issues through a relationship have all failed, but one, but she's currently too far away, and the bottom line is I need to deal with my issues and continue rebuilding my life before moving onto a relationship. I'd love to be in a relationship, I really would, and I feel I have so much to offer, but now isn't really the right time.

I see only two solutions here, either she moves, or you move. She appears to be in a strong position, but this shouldn't prevent you from cutting the ground from under her feet. Her strong position appears to be based on the fact that she's got you suckered and intent on keeping the house. It may cost you the house, you may need to risk losing it, but if I were you I'd make a play of moving out and letting go, see what happens.

Her strength lies in maintaining the situation, your strength lies in changing it. I wish you luck and hope it works out well, for the both of you.

_____________________________

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(in reply to proudsub)

Post #: 49

RE: Submissives who are not submissive - 7/13/2008 7:47:34 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Hmmmm... the workmen's comp... did she sustain an injury that required new or different meds at that time?

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Post #: 50

RE: Submissives who are not submissive - 7/13/2008 8:13:48 AM

CruelDesires

Posts: 824
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I'll just drop the note that there are many submissives who do not have submissive personalities, and there are many slaves who are not submissive.

And there are many dominants who are not Dominant.

Edited> Twas a tad bit harsh

CD

< Message edited by CruelDesires -- 7/13/2008 8:15:58 AM >

_____________________________

Reputation is what other people know about you. Honor is what you know about yourself.
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(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 51

RE: Submissives who are not submissive - 7/13/2008 10:35:24 AM

wandersalone

Posts: 4666
Joined: 11/21/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Plezurdom1
Now that I have given the broad details of my situation, I want know from a submissive/slave perspective if I should move on in finding a submissive/slave to share my life with now or continue to wait until all is settled whcih could take over a year?

If I were approached by you and told of your situation I would walk away very quickly. It sounds like you are in a situation that needs to be resolved before you start making it more complicated by adding another submissive.

Do the four adult children pay rent or board?
You have been in this situation for three years, what has prompted you to ask for assistance now?
What will you have learned from this situation that you will take with you into future relationships?

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(in reply to Plezurdom1)

Post #: 52

RE: Submissives who are not submissive - 7/14/2008 9:37:08 AM

Plezurdom1

Posts: 10
Joined: 12/23/2004
Status: offline

There is alot of advice here that has been helpful in that it supports what my thoughts have been. Of course there is more than just what has been written. Let me address some of the questions here. ( I don't know how to make those nice white boxes that contain quotes as I am new to using forums).

Regarding Workman's comp; She tripped at work and stopped her fall by extending her arm which caused a torn roator cuff and after a few months created fiber myalga. I know the shoulder was tender prior to the fall as we always took care not to put weight on it during bondage scenes etc. The fiber myalga arrived after seeing it telvised and reading many books. After all her research she now has all the classic symptoms of fiber myalga. The thought being that the fall triggered this. Her income is 80% of what she used to get paid plus child support for her 18 year old. The older daughter gets disability for bing agorophobic ( Please excuse my spelling ) that income goes to her since the daughter lives with her. She also gets child support for her son who is 21 and lives outside of the home (she is concerned this may stop if her ex realizes it is still coming out of the paycheck.

I have a 21 year old son who lives with us. He works full time and goes to college part time.

I work full time.

As I said in the beginning of this discussion. We bought this house thinking that our combined income would make it possible.

corrupted you said, Do you write plays? Just asking, as from your photo here you bear more than a passing resemblance to William Shakespeare. I hope you don't mind me mentioning it, but it's the first thought which crossed my mind when i was reading your ...

Thank you for the compliment? No I do not write for a living:)

I have been cautious in dealing with this because I see this entire situation as one that she entered into only for the security and hope to retire. She often says she worked 20 years and now deserves to have workman's comp and time for herself. This person I thought I was moving in with to a new house was always submiissive and prided herself on being a masochist. Those who knew us during that time know our play was very extreme and on the edge. For those who might go to another angle. Please understand that she often purchased implements for me to use as gifts such as; cattle prod, single tail and an assortment of floggers. She was not a stranger to subspace and the weekly journeys there.

I tried to make this change clear. That I was surprised that the first nioght in our new home with all other gone for the evening she stopped the scene with her safe word within the first ten minutes and has never played since. When asked why she said she cannot trust me as I am not marrying her.

Regarding the marrying issue. I knew when I met her that she hoped to be married someday. I told her that is was not something I would consider until we knew each other better. As the relationship and her behavior has eroded over the past years so has the possiblity of considering marriage. The scenes stopped a year later she removed her collar for a doctors physical and never put it back on. Telling me it irratated her skin. We bought a new collar and that was soon taken off and disappeared. I do my own cooking and wash my own clothes. The last two meal she made for me left me ( which were two weeks apart) with stomach pains for several days after eating the meals.

I am not new to the life style and found myself in this arrangement because it appeared we had so much in common and it appeared a great D/s relationship.

I have written this because so many of you have given me your time and many have inquired into area of our relationship. I do appreciate all your feed back and advice.

I have seen so much lying and deception I need to be careful so that I am not accused of anything that could affect my son and/or myself, in an attempt to get the property.

When we first bought the home. She was so emphatic in it being understood that in the event of one owners death the other has the right to survivorship.

I see her as being very unstable and dangerous and I need to be careful in how I go about ending this.

I will check back here tomorrrow as I have alot of work to get done today.

Thank you all for your thoughts and consideration.

(in reply to wandersalone)

Post #: 53

RE: Submissives who are not submissive - 7/14/2008 10:17:50 AM

mzbehavin

Posts: 253
Joined: 1/15/2008
Status: offline

I have to jump in mid thread here.
Seriously, you have been unhappy and unfulfilled for 3 years now? Bite the bullet, shes lost respect for you, she's running the house, making the rules and has not contributed on any significant level. (Does she cook, clean, help with bills, manage the house at all?)
Write up a legal IOU. Base it on the current value of the home. If she didnt pay half all this time i'd not honor the verbal agreement, but if she did, then cash her out. Get a loan, sell something. She needs money to move out.
This is stupid, you arent happy. DO SOMETHING YOU ARE THE DOMINANT.
O and good luck.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Plezurdom1

proudsub

She has taken antidepressants ever since we have known each other.

We pruchased this property based on there being two working adults income. The property is a renovated precivil war home with 10 acres. Great place for lifestyle and the plan originally was to convert the 3 car garage to a dungeon. I could manage to make the payments on my own but it would be extremely difficult.

The toy bag has been closed for three years and is covered with dust. Emotionally we both know its over and just don't see a way out.

At this point I am trying to find my way back to the lifestyle as this is where I should be.

_____________________________

There's never really a good time for the whole Man to Beast thing...Just kind of~Whaum! and hope for the best...
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(in reply to Plezurdom1)

Post #: 54

RE: Submissives who are not submissive - 7/14/2008 10:27:52 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

~ Fast Reply ~

Leave it, all of it, her, the house and anything you don't need and can't carry by yourself.

When you put more value on yourself and your happiness then you do on material possessions and 'who owns what'; you'll find contentment and perhaps everything else you seek.

(in reply to mzbehavin)

Post #: 55

RE: Submissives who are not submissive - 7/14/2008 10:41:01 AM

sirsholly

Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline

for heavens sake...what the hell are you sticking around for?

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Post #: 56

RE: Submissives who are not submissive - 7/14/2008 12:38:18 PM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

This is soooooo not a BDSM issue.

(1) See a counselor.
(2) See a lawyer.
(3) DO SOMETHING based on the professional advice you receive.

For me, it would be worth lost equity to get out of a loveless three-year prison sentence. Sounds like a cheap escape. But then, I don't do the stagnation thing.

This reflects what has been going through my head. And, from the tone of the posts Plezur, I don't think the nonsubmissive submissive is the only one suffering some depression and other issues.

In my opinion, you are in no condition to look for a replacement submissive at all. Perhaps light play at a club as Amy said, but definately not an actual relationship. Too much unresolved baggage for that.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 57

RE: Submissives who are not submissive - 7/14/2008 2:05:04 PM

eyesopened

Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

~ Fast Reply ~

Leave it, all of it, her, the house and anything you don't need and can't carry by yourself.

When you put more value on yourself and your happiness then you do on material possessions and 'who owns what'; you'll find contentment and perhaps everything else you seek.

All gods bless you for this post!

Sign a quit-claim deed to her and let her have the damn house and then you get yourself something of much greater value... your self-esteem. Go! Leave! Run away! You owe her absolutely nothing. Just GO.

_____________________________

Proudly owned by InkedMaster. He is the one i obey, serve, honor and love.

No one is honored for what they've received. Honor is the reward for what has been given.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 58

RE: Submissives who are not submissive - 7/14/2008 3:30:20 PM

ShiftedJewel

Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline

I completely agree eyesopened. Game over, she wins the house and home ownership for her and all of her kids. Make sure you put everything in her name... if at all possible. If it isn't... make sure that her name isn't on anything and change the locks as soon as you get the chance, pack her shit and leave it on the lawn. The next time she cooks something for you, save it, take it in and have it analyzed. Nurses know a lot of tricks. And if none of that works... sell it, take a loss, finish paying off the loan to save your credit and move on. It's all material stuff, nothing worth your life, the life of your son or your sanity.

Jewel

_____________________________

Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

(in reply to eyesopened)

Post #: 59

RE: Submissives who are not submissive - 7/14/2008 4:23:04 PM

CrazyC

Posts: 949
Joined: 9/28/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Plezurdom1

When we first bought the home. She was so emphatic in it being understood that in the event of one owners death the other has the right to survivorship.

That statement alone is scary to me. Plz be safe.

_____________________________

"You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back." Barbara De Angelis

(in reply to Plezurdom1)

Post #: 60

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