RE: Helping her deal with the aftermath of a violent rape (Full Version)

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pahunkboy -> RE: Helping her deal with the aftermath of a violent rape (7/14/2008 5:24:50 AM)

this rotten computer crossing out my lines




wandersalone -> RE: Helping her deal with the aftermath of a violent rape (7/14/2008 6:05:12 AM)

sorry off topic for a minute while I have my mini-rant......

As long as people continue to spout naiive and judgemental comments like this below many people who are feeling suicidal are not going to seek help.  We do not know what thoughts are going through the minds of people who are seriously considering suicide however just think how awful they must feel their life is when death seems like one of the only options.  Sure many of us has felt down, a number of us have maybe felt suicidal and fewer of us will have attempted suicide and we still cannot ever know exactly what or how a person was feeling when they made that final decision.  Their families are grieving and to hear someone say that the person they loved was selfish and inconsiderate adds to their pain.

quote:

ORIGINAL: pahunkboy
To those who commit suicide. How selfish!!  It leaves no consideration for those left behind.
I learned this week that a cousin in Delaware committed suicide.  what a shame.  meanhwile there are folks who are dying of disease that would love to live, but wont.   it mocks them.   and leaves loved ones holding the bag.


To the OP, give your friend space and time to heal at her own pace.  Don't try and second guess how she should be feeling or what she should be doing..... she is most likely doing what works for her at the moment. 

You mention that she became angry when your wife suggested that she attend a support group .... people need to feel ready to seek support and will often back away if they feel they are getting pushed by others.  Maybe give her some phone numbers and then leave it, let her know that you care for her and are concerned and don't know what to do.  Ask her how you can help support her.  And please continue to be the caring friends that you have been so far.




mistoferin -> RE: Helping her deal with the aftermath of a violent rape (7/14/2008 9:01:17 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: popeye1250
I'd tell her time to go gun shopping.
Hunt them down and kill them before they do it to someone else.
Use a knife, less forensics and more personal.


As much as I am a gun enthusiast....THAT is NOT the answer.




popeye1250 -> RE: Helping her deal with the aftermath of a violent rape (7/14/2008 9:02:08 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: RuheMaus

quote:

ORIGINAL: Termyn8or

*snip*

People, please don't feed this troll.  Let him live in his own world of hate.  Move along, nothing to see here.



Maus, Termin8tor is not a "troll", he's been in this site for quite some time and has made some very interesting and thoughtfull posts.
I may not agree with him 100% of the time but he comes up with some very good info.




pahunkboy -> RE: Helping her deal with the aftermath of a violent rape (7/14/2008 9:28:22 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: wandersalone

sorry off topic for a minute while I have my mini-rant......

As long as people continue to spout naiive and judgemental comments like this below many people who are feeling suicidal are not going to seek help.  We do not know what thoughts are going through the minds of people who are seriously considering suicide however just think how awful they must feel their life is when death seems like one of the only options.  Sure many of us has felt down, a number of us have maybe felt suicidal and fewer of us will have attempted suicide and we still cannot ever know exactly what or how a person was feeling when they made that final decision.  Their families are grieving and to hear someone say that the person they loved was selfish and inconsiderate adds to their pain.

quote:

ORIGINAL: pahunkboy
To those who commit suicide. How selfish!!  It leaves no consideration for those left behind.
I learned this week that a cousin in Delaware committed suicide.  what a shame.  meanhwile there are folks who are dying of disease that would love to live, but wont.   it mocks them.   and leaves loved ones holding the bag.





That presumes that those who  are left alive carry no depression, no despair, separate and other then the person.

Anyhow- if anyone IS suicidal  call a help line.  There is a 24 hour a day number, in the blue pages.  psychotrophic meds today  are better then those prior generations -- meds can help.

A grieving relative is going to have all the emotions ... with or with out the "selfish...".

Anyhow the girl is a trainwreck and needs more the a message board can offer.




Termyn8or -> RE: Helping her deal with the aftermath of a violent rape (7/14/2008 9:34:49 AM)

Ruh, you think what you want. And Calif, I did not intend to belittle the experience in any way.

But what I said is what I would say to my own Mother, sister, daughter, niece whatever given the same circumstance. It may be harsh, maybe even a bit crude, but to call it hateful is totally unjustified. It is the truth.

If you consider the truth to be hateful, it is not I who hides from it. The world is a nasty place. I am sure the OP's friend is aware of that by now. Rape is a terrible crime of violence, it only differs in the form of what was taken.

And it is not peculiar to Women, Men get raped every day in prisons across this country and many others. For them it is not a matter of a hundred bucks an hour, thorazine and SSRIs, it is a matter of "just deal with it". That is their only choice.

Call me rude, crude and crass, I respect that opinion. Perhaps it is true, but I have a different outlook on life because I choose not to blind myself to reality. But to call me hateful is totally unwarranted. Hate is not in my mental vocabulary.

In person I could probably make great progress witrh the OP's friend. After a few tears and beers the mind can rebuild, their confidence, even a bad attitude if they already had one. While I am no expert I can bring these things out in alot of people. But I did what I could in text, as it is all I can do. It is unreasonable to think that this victim would be brought to me.

But the thing is, the one thing that if anyone has a rebuttal they are plain WRONG, she is only a victim as long as she wants to be. The comfort, and the sympathy and empathy of friends is addictive. It lulls people into accepting a life which is less than they should be living. The only solution is from within. When one garners the strength to get over it, they can then, and only then become whole again.

Anyone who will not or cannot accept this is doomed to make somebody's yacht payment. That is a fact.

And let me go a step further. People who rape are animals and should be summarily executed. But I don't hate them, I just believe that they need to excised from our society for the greater good. I don't hate politicians, but they should be gone for similar reasons. We want an orderly society but in most cases because of an idiotic morality imposed on most, they are simply unwilling to do what needs to be done.

I would gladly find the Womans assailants and chain them up, cut their dicks off and watch them bleed to death, and while some may find this hard to believe, I would do this without any hate whatsoever.

But the fact of the matter is even if I did this, right in front of the victim, that is no cure. That does not make her whole again. That comes from inside. Our job, our mission should we decide to accept it (Mr Phelps, this tape will self destruct in ten seconds) is to bring out that inner strength in the victim. We cannot give her the strength. We cannot, even by extreme measures of torture of the assailant, or even killing every Man on the planet, cannot do that. Even a therapist uses words. A good one anyway.

No matter what we do, we cannot restore this victim, only she can do that. And there is only one way. And it does not involve coddling and cuddling, except maybe for a short time in the beginning. She has to find her inner strength, and none of us can help her do that with words of sympathy and empathy.

Those are fine, but there is work to be done. If you can't do it, don't berate me for doing it.

I will admit this much, we are a very strong people in the mind. It is hard to explain, and I think that may have to do with Ruh's response. We may seem cold and callous, but we are not.

Tell you what, when I got beaten to a pulp, robbed and shot in the face, you know what my comforting consisted of ? I didn't get one single hug, no moaning over how horrible it was, nothing of the sort. The olman loaded up some guns and tried to find my assailants, later he called me stupid motherfucker for going around with people I did not know. Later he admonished me that an inch higher and I would've lost an eye, didn't even mention the brain behind there.

But the experience of my friends and family treating this incident matter-of-factly, instead of doting on me and babying me is what got me over it. Now I joke about it "Got shot in the face, wrecked my whole weekend". Well a bit more, I spent five days in the hospital. Back then I was as tough as nails and my recouperative powers were very strong.

Yes I must realize that everone is not this way, but that doesn't change the fact that getting over it comes from within. So what to do ?

Just sit here and say "Oh dear that was so horrible, out prayers are with you" ? Bullshit, you pray you pray to nothing. All of the bullshit is in your own mind. I have been studying for thirty fucking years and I know. The answer is within.

If you think I am kidding, get a time machine and go back, get raped for example. Go to a hundred different therapists, and then find one good friend, WITH INNER STRENGTH and see what it is that helps you get over it. The valium and other drugs do not do it, do that you will only find yourself drug dependent.

We must not be shielded from pain, for it is pain from which we gain.

Nuff said. Except for this, call me a troll ? Look in a mirror, what did you add that would be of any help ?

T




Sub4You4UKOnly -> RE: Helping her deal with the aftermath of a violent rape (7/14/2008 9:49:15 AM)

I recently got raped by my ex bf back in march in my own home and people keep wondering if im alright. Try and help your friend as much as possible by doing fun things with her to keep her mind of it, take her somewhere away from where it happened and just let her have fun and keep her occupied. The worst thing anyone has done to me since march is kept asking me if im alright and if i want to talk about it. The police know and that took alot of weight of my shoulders. Like I said help her out by keeping her occupied with fun things but don't do too much as she might feel like she's being overcrowded. As it was gangrape try and keep the number around her minimum but not too small and make sure she doesn't feel threatened in any environment. If she ever says she wants to do something alone then let her but make sure she knows that you are there for her if she ever needs you.

To whoever wants to say to tell her to get over it, just fuck off and go to another thread.

And for those saying that she needs a psychiatrist...yes that might help, but also it might not, I for one would never go and see a psychiatrist, I have a few friends that understand me and can help me through things so I have no need and even if i didn't, i wouldn't.

Be a friend to her, not a pain, let her talk to you when she wants and don't ask too many questions. If she seems down then offer to take her to wherever she wants to go, whether it is a walk or for a meal. The best thing that helped me to, well not get over it, but feel a bit better was when I went to stay with Lee last week, it meant i got away from here, had a good friend by my side and in all had a very fun time.

As I don't know your friend, I can't really give much advice except what I have said already so I wish your friend best of luck with finding the gang and well...I have another piece, if she is imaginative then get her to imagine the gang all being whipped with a bullwhip by something innocent like an animated kitten!




velvetears -> RE: Helping her deal with the aftermath of a violent rape (7/14/2008 9:51:01 AM)

FR

a coworker of mine was attacked, multiple facial injuries as well as some burns and bruises on her body.  The guy tried to poke her eyes out and she was strangled.  i don't want to get too specific but they had a relationship where there should not have been one.  This girl now has short term memory problems, she jumps at unexpected noise, she has a hard time making decisions, she's depressed at times, she has a hard time feeling any kind of emotions over the whole incident (it happened 4 months ago) - she's never cried, hardly has even expressed anger.  She lost her job and because of safety reasons has to live in a shelter, so her life is completely turned upside down.  i don't know if she will ever be the focused, high energy person she was before the incident, i can only hope she works past all this and recovers completely. 

As her friend and someone who cares a great deal about her and her recovery i talk to her everyday - and when she thinks i am sick of her talking about it over and over again i reassure her i am not and i listen and encourage her to talk about it - part of healing is getting it out, talking about it, incessently if necessary.  Part of the reason the viet nam vets suffered from ptsd was their inability to talk about their experiences during the war because they felt tremendous shame.  i don't only focus on the trauma i make her laugh - we have fun.  She knows she can call me anytime - literally, if she needs to. Since the event she gets panic attacks and needs to talk to someone at 2 sometimes 3 am, i am available for her (good thing i am a night owl and work nights) - my advice to you is be there for her - let her know that she has a safe place with you as a friend - listen and try not to interject too much, sometimes the things we say that we think will help make things worse. i made that mistake myself when i asked her why she didn't try to run away in the 8 hours she was captive. 

You can't rush the healing process and everyone is different and will process things in their own way and in their own time.  i miss my carefree friend but there is nothing i can do to change what has happened to her or make it better overnight.  i suggest alternatives to her and leave it at that, she's followed through on some, not on others.  i don't think anyone who has had significant trauma happen to them is ever completely the same again.  Maybe they shouldn't be either.  Good luck to you and your friend, sounds like she has two people who care a great deal about her and that is worth a lot to her, even if she can't understand it right at the moment, she will. 




puppen -> RE: Helping her deal with the aftermath of a violent rape (7/14/2008 10:08:47 AM)

--Semi fast reply--

I'm a five time rape victim, and I'm going to tell you right now, telling anyone to, "get over it", or "let it go," does nothing but make you look like an asshole and them angry/upset.

Or, in my case, that's what it does.

I also don't suggest playing the "it could have been worse" game. No one wins and everyone involved comes out looking foolish. Feelings get hurt, wounds get re-opened. It's not pretty.

Everyone handles a situation differently. I definitely suggest some therapy, and if she can do it, move.

A new place, a new future. 
One of my "incidents" occurred in the workplace, and I can tell you it is hell coming in every morning and having to check the whole place to be sure I'm alone.
I won't be able to leave fast enough.

So, for some, getting far from the incident is a god send. Therapy, talking about it, that's helpful; however, my own therapy was found through my friends.
Taking time to lick the wounds and reflect on what you want to do now that it is over, and you survived is also highly important.

Sometimes it sucks being the shoulder that is cried upon, but you have no idea how much it helps in the end.




sirsholly -> RE: Helping her deal with the aftermath of a violent rape (7/14/2008 10:15:46 AM)

a strong personality, which it sounds as is she is, can be so much harder on themselves for their inability to recover on their own.

While i applaud the OP and his wife for their desire to help their friend i would suggest that if you have not been able to do so by now it is not going to happen. By all means continue to be there for her but i would STRONGLY suggest professional help.




opposingtwilight -> RE: Helping her deal with the aftermath of a violent rape (7/14/2008 10:18:38 AM)

T

I'm sorry for what happened to you and I give you kudos for how you've dealt with it, however just because you've been through a miserable experience doesn't make it OK to tell someone else who's been through a miserable experience to just get over it. What worked for you won't work for every other person out there in the great wide world.

The trauma that occurs because of rape or other sexual abuse is totally different that the sort of trauma that occurs from what you described. Also, women are hardwired differently than men. Also, she's a totally different human being than you are so that just means she's hardwired that much MORE differently.

I am glad that you are whole, though. You rock. :)

For the OP,

its really wonderful that she has supportive friends in you and your wife but it sounds like she really needs some professional help as well. There's been some great advice on this thread and lots of leads for more information. Use it and encourage your friend to use it as well, even if she reacts negatively at first. Don't give up.




Termyn8or -> RE: Helping her deal with the aftermath of a violent rape (7/14/2008 10:39:12 AM)

People just don't understand. Getting over it is not like flipping a switch. I never said it was. It is not an easy thing, it does not happen overnight, but if the impetus does not exist it will never happen.

I am not a fucking idiot. Let me relate one simple thing, though it may be pertinent. Years ago a buddy and I were having a discussion, and the subject got around to psychology.

I said "Stand up". He did and I started pushing him forward by the shoulders, very lightly at first, and then harder. Then I said "See what you did ?".

The point was, when you push people they push back, it is a natural response. And maybe I should have mentioned that, because someone who wants to remain a victim will fight tooth and nail to stay there. If anyone is to take on counselling someone they MUST recognize this and change their approach accordingly. This is essential.

I am no stranger to this subject, although not a professional I can do alot, but I can't do everything.

Some people never recover, and to keep someone out of the abyss so to speak is a worthwhile endevor. Some cannot be helped, but that does not mean to just not try at all.

Want the baseball bat ? Fine, your loss. Not mine. I did what I thought I should do morally. You take offense, that is not my problem.

Back to my trolling I guess.

T




OTKkindaGirl -> RE: Helping her deal with the aftermath of a violent rape (7/14/2008 10:51:36 AM)

speaking as a survivor and from my own experience, i wish i'd had friends like you and your wife when i went through mine.  no details just the facts.  the violent occurrence against me was also by a stranger.  i was kidnapped from campus and taken far away and raped.  unlike the two times prior (in my childhood and early teens), it was very violent and i honestly believe because of my childhood incident i was able to keep from being killed.  i remember trying to justify what was happening to me and when i finally quit fighting back, i went deep into my mind and talked myself through the experience repeating over and over to myself that he only had my body, not my mind.  i kept telling myself he couldn't touch my mind and i disassociated from the situation and went back to the past and became that passive little six year old again. 

the aftermath, i told my roommates and got no support and only disbelief (he was a childhood friend to one of my roommates).  it was devestating.  i never went to authorities, as this happened when reporting date rate was just coming into courts and in most of the cases, the young men were being found innocent and the girls reputation always questioned and ruined.  hell if my own friends didn't believe me, how in the hell could anybody else?  i thought that would be even more traumatic.

i completely withdrew.  i was in college.  i had many friends but the few that knew me pretty well noticed something was really wrong.  whereas before i was free with my hugs and pats on the backs and an overall "touchy feely" in a respectful way person.  now nobody could get within arms length of me.  i'll never forget the one young man that reached out to help me.  i told him what happened and i cried as i did and he reached out to hold me and i turned on him and got very angry at him.  he told me that i needed help and i asked him how, how does somebody get help for something like this.  he did some fast talking and i listened as he volunteered to be my victim so that i could retaliate against him.  i told him that he is completely innocent and i was in no way going to hurt him in the way that i wanted to hurt my attacker.  he told me then, that there were ways to get out my anger and my pain without hurting him that all i needed to do was think about it.  as i thought about it, i asked him if i could do anything that i wanted and he said that i could as long as i didn't make him bleed or break a bone.  i wont go into detail about this part either but trust me, the young man was left feeling very used and i lectured him the whole time about what it's like to be a victim and it being different than being a volunteer victim. but i went perhaps one step too far and left him in such a place to be extremely humiliated as well.  i was vanilla and had no idea that i was doing would be considered "dominating" him.  Afterwards, we remained friends but there was a strain there.  we never talked about the incident after and we remained cordial to one another but a closeness that was once there then felt corrupt.   over the next few years i would feel guilty for doing what i had done to him and occassionally i still do.  i think back to him now and wonder how he is doing, whether or not what i did to him was detrimental to him and any of his future relationships.  once i discovered that there was a bdsm lifestyle and what it is all about, i wonder even more so about him and pray that he is doing well and that i haven't ruined a very good man.

i tell you all this because i wasn't even in the lifestyle or even knew such a lifestyle existed.  i cannot even imagine what it must be like for your friend.  i am sure that she wants justice!  i am sure that she wants to hurt somebody as badly as she was hurt.  perhaps that is why she is stepping way back from the lifestyle now.  Domination is not meant to be used as retaliation and she knows how detrimental it will be to take her anger out on somebody she is going to view as "innocent".  She knows that those submitting to her are trying to please her so why in the fuck would she even want to inflict anything on somebody that doesn't deserve it... because she knows that she certainly didn't deserve it... and perhaps she is afraid that she might.  There are sure to be so many thoughts running through her head in this regard and until she is ready to actually conquer her own mind it is best that she remains distant from her former role. 

a few years later i was subjegated to a support group because i was having extreme problems with people controlling me and being afraid to stand up for myself.  i did ok in individual counselling (though i didn't want it or believe in it) when i was put into this group it was a bunch of messed up women that had been sexually abused or raped as children... they all knew their assailants and so i felt like i didn't relate to the group.  i felt that my issues weren't about what happened to me as a child and it appalled them all to hear me say that i was greatful for it because it helped me survive a violent rape from a stranger.  nobody could understand that.  i felt singled out even more in that group than i had after the incident first happened.  needless to say, i didn't stay in that group for very long.  and i only went a few more times to counselling. i read a few good self help books and though i am no therapist, i have adjusted quite well to life again.  i would say it took me about five or six years to get past dealing with "strangers" and not being afraid to be myself again.  funny, that is also about how long it took me to get over an abusive marriage too, where i felt safe enough to start dating again. 

your friend is strong and i know it is difficult to see her at her most vulnerable, but good healing takes time.  emotional scars take longer to heal than physical ones unfortunately but good support and a lack of pressure is probably best from those around her.  don't rush her towards the lifestyle, she will come back around to it when she is ready and in her own time.  finding a support group that suits her needs and issues is better than just any kind of support group dealing with a general group.  a one on one  with somebody that has an understanding of the lifestyle without negative views would probably be best for her at this point in time.  the bdsm isn't the issue.... it's what happened to her that is... but it's the lifestyle mindset that might be messing with how she is dealing with it.







Termyn8or -> RE: Helping her deal with the aftermath of a violent rape (7/14/2008 12:55:27 PM)

OTK that is about the best I've seen so far. You are a strong writer and have a way of expressing things, other than that I would suggest you capitalize your sentences.

You are right, this does not happen overnight. What I said about pushing is right. Getting ready to get past it is the whole battle. It is then when you can see the future.

Once you see the future and want the future, you got it licked. Or you can be stuck in the past.

And about Women being wired differently, I could write a treatise on that spanning hundreds of pages. But we all do have certain things in common.

Future/past, the two are seperated by the present.

It could be worse ? I think we have now seen that "tried to poke my eyes out". How about some hypothetical situations ? Cut off arms and legs, beheaded, sodomized with a pipe wrench, the wrong way so that it kills you. I don't care how bad it was, there is still perspective. Your own buddy in the government let a girl drown to death a long time ago. Try that. (Kennedy/Chapaquidick). And some dumb motherfuckers still elected him ! Whaddya think of that ?

Fucking people are animals, and alot of them need to be put down. It is not a matter of hate, consider it like a cancer operation, removing a tumor.

You see FIRST hand what these animals do to people. I say get over it, and I know it is not easy. If you had been raised like I was you would not find it as difficult, but the thing is you are not required to have that kind of attitude to live in our society. You are not required to be strong and close to immortal, nor emotionally strong. All you have to do is make your own way in life and do not hurt others.

Rape is almost always premeditiated, and happens because of two things, the animal cannot get sex, and has no constraints on his actions from any type of morality. By definition THAT IS AN ANIMAL.

Human life is precious, but life in general is not. All we have to do is realize what the definition of human is. The OP's friend, I would hold her hand, and hold her, let her feel strength, and I don't mean physical strength. How I would handle it would depend on her actions and words. I know I could help at least a little. The time would come for her to put it in perspective of course. Then the hate for her assailants must be extinguished, that is essential.

If I got my hands on her assailants though it would go different for them. They come in, but they don't come out. We have enough assholes on this planet. Fukum.

I wrote a book and in it I outlined a punishment for rapists that would happen if death was not warranted, although I am having trouble seeing when that is exactly.

OP, show her this whole thread. Even the dissenting opinions. Let her make her own decision as to how to handle this. And you must somehow get this done without pushing her. But at this stage of the game I can do nothing more, because opinions are abound. In private maybe, but not out here. There needs to be a central core, a discussion on one topic and one topic only. If you want to play therapist, a one track mind can come in handy.

Yes I am a sociopath, and a few other things, but I know what I am doing.

And puppen, if you were my sister you would either have a gun and know how to use it, or be protected.

And that is something to consider, some people just need to be protected. The house is locked, never go anywhere without your Man. That is what would happen if not after the first time, most fucking certainly after the second time. And if it was the same animal, there would be no possibility for a third time.

And if you were family they would die after the first time, which brings up another point. Are the families in this country so disrupted that nobody has a brother, male cousin, a Father or an Uncle who has any fucking balls ? If my sister got raped I'd bet my seventy year old Uncle would come up from FL with guns. Where is the family ?

That is something I do not understand, but then I have to realize that we are different. We NEVER call the police. We take care of our own problems. Of course a car wreck or things like that, there is a police report. But when it comes to an assault, we don't need a phone at all. I must remember that other people are not like this. Some people have nobody to turn to. Some people were in such a bad situation at home they had to leave way before they were ready, some people were abused or neglected. They were half destroyed when they hit the streets, and their Parents should be killed for that. Yes I said it.

So where does it end ? Kill the rapists, kill the dregs who spawned children and abused or neglected them ? I say yes. Get this country back down to eighty million so we have some fucking leibensvroom.

That is how Hitler got into power and folks, and the same damn thing is happening here. Watch and see.

Notice one thing about the Nazis though. Of all the atrocities they committed, not once did you ever hear of any captive being raped, not fucking once. Bolshevics did it, allies did it, but not them, why ?

It is because they were Men, not animals.

And you know what, all you people who can't handle the fact that Nazis did not rape, and want to call me a Nazi or antiSemitic, go fuck yourself. They did not do it.

And what kind of people in our society do it ? Fucking give me a break. If the facts hurt, hit the back button on your browser and read something else. They were not perfect, but we are worse. Before they legalized torture maybe we were, but not anymore, so I simply do not want to hear it. You have no standing.

In relations with a Woman, I have said and always meant that it was not good enough to be allowed, that if I was not wanted, forget it. Now compare this to a person, wait an animal, that just needs a piece of ass. I do not want these people on my planet. Our planet.

Reality is upon us folks, time to wake up. Discard all your notions about love thy neighbor and shit, get real. I like people, animals I can do without. I don't even have a cat. No interest in it. Get rid of all the bullshit morality shoved down your thoats since you were little and get down to what works. What works in a society is that everybody contributed in some way, not necessarily money. And when people go rogue and steal and cheat kill them. No feelings, no remorse. And the rapists, kill them.

I am tired of my tax money supporting these animals. There is a steep hill at the end of my street, bring the bodies. Fuck them, they are worthless garbage.

OP, tell your friend that as well. Show them the whole thread in fact. Alot of good opinions got expressed, I just tried to take it to a new level.

As a Domme, her attitude should be that her assailants were not good enough to get her attention. Get the attitude back.

T




cjan -> RE: Helping her deal with the aftermath of a violent rape (7/14/2008 2:10:34 PM)

Term, I don't know how to say what I really want to say to you without getting moderated. So, I'll just say this. Having read many of your posts, you have contradicted yourself a number of times as to your life experience. On the one hand, you speak of your training and education and your earning power doing seemingly legitimate work, on the other, you speak of having cops in your pocket and having a license to do as you please and a "get out of jail card". You've also boasted of how above the law and powerful you think you are in the city where you live.

You seem to have a need to impress people with how tough your life has been, as in getting shot in the face, etc., and how tough you are . The bottom line is that I doubt your veracity and more.

But the main thing  to me as concerns this thread is that your ranting has in no way helped the OP to deal with the situation that he/she finds themselves in, i.e., trying to help a friend who is suffering due to the trauma that she has suffered and continues to suffer. I agree with what NorthernGent said earlier in this thread. You don't seem to be a happy camper, not happy at all. I've always been wary of advice for living given by clearly, habitually unhappy people. I reckon that if they are so miserable themselves, what is their advice worth ?

I choose  to not be aggravated by reading your rants any longer so I now choose to hide and block you. Sayonara.




Termyn8or -> RE: Helping her deal with the aftermath of a violent rape (7/14/2008 3:19:48 PM)

What cj said is valid. My background is hard to believe even for me. And it is true that I am not happy, but I am not unhappy.

However, what I say is true. Alot of things happened to me, and mine. It changed us, some of it almost killed us.

Bye cj. Sorry, really. I do push the envelope, but I know in my soul that the words I typed in the original response were meant to be helpful, and I really hope they were.

T




sirsholly -> RE: Helping her deal with the aftermath of a violent rape (7/14/2008 3:57:45 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Termyn8or

Rape is almost always premeditiated, and happens because of two things, the animal cannot get sex, and has no constraints on his actions from any type of morality.




rape is not an act of sex.




Briena -> RE: Helping her deal with the aftermath of a violent rape (7/14/2008 4:53:53 PM)

I have been both raped and helped rape victems.  Let me just say, you dont just "Get over it".  It was a horrible violent crime to which she feels she cannot close because the men who did it to her have yet to be caught and may never be caught.  There is a great fear in knowing that you could be in danger every second of every day.  Its like feeling like a hunted animal.  You know youre the prey and your hunter is hiding somewhere in the distance with his sights set and you not knowing when he is going to pull the trigger.  Rape is worse then murder in my opinion.  After rape you wish you were dead, you wish they would have finished you off so you wouldnt have to look at yourself in the mirror everyday to be reminded of your vulnerability and your failure to protect yourself.  Wondering all the 'what ifs' and thinking it was somehow your fault.  If you want to help her then be there for her.  There isnt anything you can do other then make suggestions to her with contacting a professional.  Rape councelors often are free and you can find them in the phone book for your area.  Listening is the best gift that you can give her.  You as a man can be there in more protective ways without even allowing her to know that you are doing it.  Such as walking her home, or offering to go grocery shopping with her to "help carry the bags in".  She will start to feel more safe while on outtings.  You dont have to blatently tell her that you are going with her out of protection, go with her as a friend first and protector second.  She isnt going to jump right back into the scene, dating or BDSM wise until she is ready.  She doesnt trust people, society failed her, not once but twice.  The first was when she got raped, and the second was when they failed to catch those responsible for the crime.  Until she is ready, she will not seek out outside help.  Thats part of her trust issue.  Thats why she gets angry about it, she isnt ready yet.  She needs a home support group before she will feel comfortable with a stranger support group.  As for things not to do... NEVER EVER tell her that you UNDERSTAND WHAT SHE IS GOING THROUGH!  It doesnt matter if you are a rape victem yourself, everyone is different and you will never ever understand what it was like for her.  Second NEVER tell her to "JUST GET OVER IT".  I dont think you would do that anyways because you dont seem like that type of person.  Third, EMPATHIZE with her, dont SYMPATHIZE with her.  Try to feel what she feels, dont feel sorry for her.  She doesnt need your pitty she needs your understanding.  That is one of the biggest mistakes that people make when trying to help, they feel pitty, which is not supportive.  The only way to start to understand her feelings is to try to feel them yourself.  Like I said, you will never fully understand, but you will get farther trying to understand them compared to feeling sorry for her.  I wish your friend all the blessings in the world, and you and your wife being so supportive makes you an awesome friend.




Briena -> RE: Helping her deal with the aftermath of a violent rape (7/14/2008 5:03:10 PM)

No you are correct, rape is not an act of sex, it has nothing to do with sex.  It has to do with control, and power.  Rapists often feel belittled by their victems, or by people around them that remind them of their victems.  They feel that by raping they are now in control of that situation.  Being a strong woman as she was described, she probably put these men off in a sense of their inability to accept a woman in power.  They felt little compared to her so they raped her to prove that they are "MEN".  Rapists should be put to death.




cjan -> RE: Helping her deal with the aftermath of a violent rape (7/14/2008 5:05:27 PM)

Damn, Term, just when I wanna cut your head off, you go and say something insightful, humble and rational. DA and popeye do that too, once in awhile. You guys are making it hard to totally hate y'all!  Shit...[image]http://www.collarchat.com/upfiles/smiley/gaah.gif[/image]




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