RE: Helping her deal with the aftermath of a violent rape (Full Version)

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CraZYWiLLiE -> RE: Helping her deal with the aftermath of a violent rape (7/14/2008 5:06:55 PM)

The big thing is if THEY did it once, they can do it again.
If they did it to you they can do it to someone else.





Nikolette -> RE: Helping her deal with the aftermath of a violent rape (7/14/2008 5:18:06 PM)

quote:

would be such a victim


Possibly avoiding this mentality would help a lot.

You may get a lot of insightful posts here, but I'll be frank. This isn't the right place to ask for advice on this matter- or at least its not the right place to exclusively seek advice.

I'd go here:
http://www.pandys.org/

I'd also recommend to your friend to go there. And to seek out counseling in person at an advocacy center. I would offer to escort her to these appointments so she feels like she isn't alone and is safe.

No one asks for this to happen to them. No one is powerful enough or strong enough to not be affected by this. Some people's lives are completely distroyed. But... its not hopeless if one can find something bright to cling to and press forward. Empower her, don't expect her to heal on a schedule that is convenient to your ideas of what's "expected".




popeye1250 -> RE: Helping her deal with the aftermath of a violent rape (7/14/2008 7:01:31 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CraZYWiLLiE

The big thing is if THEY did it once, they can do it again.
If they did it to you they can do it to someone else.




Or, to "you" again!
Enough with the psycho babble!
Women need to buy guns, learn how to use them and carry them , and not in their purses either!! On their hips under a shirt or sweater.
I want to read in the Newspapers; "Suspected Rapist Shot Dead by Potential Victim!"
And I want to read it everyday!




MissSCD -> RE: Helping her deal with the aftermath of a violent rape (7/14/2008 8:23:15 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: hersaloneforever

Just before the summer began a year ago, a good friend of ours who is also a dominant was the victim of a brutal, violent gang rape.  Even though it's been over a year now, the authorities still have no leads.  We could be wrong and this horrible incident could have been a completely random act of violence, but we have suspected all along that she was targeted as a domme, as she is fairly open about her kink.  Although she never really flaunted it in public, she was not shy about speaking about it openly and it would have been clear to anyone that she was sexual dominant from her conduct and speech at times.  We love her as a friend and even after a year still trying to help her, but feel so confused as to what to do for her.  She has spoken intimately with my wife, who was very close to her before this incident.  Now the friendship is strained, as wife's friend is a very changed woman.  It is sad to see the once energetic, outgoing, fearless woman, now sullen, withdrawn, and at times clearly visibly in fear, especially in public settings.  She has lost two jobs in the past years, has been hospitalized after a severe episode of depression, and my wife recently told me that she fears that she might be suicidal.  What is more, is that whereas she was very active in the lifestyle and lived for dating and clubbing, she has seemingly completely given up her kink, has not dated since, nor is active socially any more.  My wife feels that we as a couple need to be more pro-active with her and thinks that I as a male would be more helpful in showing her such care and reaching out to her.  I have of course but have felt that in the past she was too ashamed and pulled away from me because of my gender.  I disagree with my wife that at this point a male should really come on too strongly with his "help" given what happened to her and that at this stage it is best dealt with by other women and any man be invited to help in that ciricle of trust when she feels such a need is need.  Hence, the disagreement between by wife and I, who although I love and respect dearly, I feel strongly in this instance is not the best approach.  I am therefore reaching out to the community in hopes that someone who has any experience with such a horrible thing could extend their wisdom as to what worked--and equally imporant what didn't.  She has always been a good friend and is the person that first introduced my wife and I together.  And while I certaintly cannot fathom the agony she has gone through and is still suffering emotionally and psychologically, my wife and I have been depressed over this ourselves in our feeling of powerlessness to help her effectively.  Unfortunately there is little resources for those of the lifestyle who have been the victims of sexual abuse.  Even the special victims unit that was assigned to our friend's case apparently was less than empathetic and ended up causing, and I can personally attest to one investigator's overt hostile, even disgusted attitude at what were clearly her preconceived notions.  Even for the limited recourses and support groups that are out there for those in the lifestyle, she is not pursuing them and gets angry when my wife has raised the issue.  It has left us all feeling both sad and angry and at times has even caused our own marriage some tension.  Indeed, no one is invulnberable to the cruelties of this world, and I would have never thought that such a strong, independent woman like this would be such a victim and be in this state.  The last thing I want to do therefore is cause her further pain than she has gone through, especially after the ordeal she suffered, which only in its most general discussions with my wife was quite a horrible, life-altering event.  I only hope that with time, love, and kindness, the former vibrant, energetic woman that we all knew and still very much love and care for will return to us--better not because of this but in spite of it.  Any resources or help would be so greatly appreciated.

Love and peace always.


First of all, I am very sadden for your Domme friend.  I know that your friend will get better in time.  She may have to give up the lifestyle and move forward.  That is a strong possiblity.
Second of all, I strongly recommend that she work with Rape Crisis because they are specialized to work with this issue.  Thirdly I urge her to seek help with counseling and a pschye to get medication to help her with depression. 
The thing I recommend for you and your wife is not to carry this burden.  It is causing you to become depressed.  She will find her way out of this.
I also recommnd her to attend church at some point.  Shock on that, but I feel spiritual healing will be in order.
I hope they catch the jerks that did this.  
Thank you and God Bless.

Regards, MissSCD




Nikolette -> RE: Helping her deal with the aftermath of a violent rape (7/14/2008 8:50:28 PM)

quote:


Women need to buy guns, learn how to use them and carry them , and not in their purses either!! On their hips under a shirt or sweater.
I want to read in the Newspapers; "Suspected Rapist Shot Dead by Potential Victim!"
And I want to read it everyday!


Ehhh.... I hate to think I'm so close to agreeing with you.

I'd like them to be pro-active in their self protection too.

I liked those pussy teeth or whatever they were that some Aussie invented, I think. If someone got their penis in her it did something harmful to the penis. She wanted all women to wear them (about tampon sized) so that rapist would stop and think: Hey, is this gonna fuck my dick up???? And then choose NOT to rape. I wonder though if it would raise the anal rape incidences?

But that was a huge digression....  Either way I'd like there to be daily headlines about women stopping their attackers, though I don't believe people do things that make them "deserve" to die. (Though I should add that I find exceptions to almost any belief)

Edit:
this is a link to a similar product, though not the same one I was referring to:
http://www.xoul2xoul.com/vagobloc/product.html




Quivver -> RE: Helping her deal with the aftermath of a violent rape (7/14/2008 9:19:24 PM)

quick reply ... 

We all handle things differently so one's approach will not always suit the next. 
I've experianced rape first hand too.  Drugged and gang raped, happy 18th birthday....  [:'(]
Shocked for a few weeks, then I got PISSED OFF.  That did it, I was ME again. 
What I realized was they only invaded my shell, they never touched ME, cause that part can never be taken. 

I wish your friend some healthy anger.............




popeye1250 -> RE: Helping her deal with the aftermath of a violent rape (7/14/2008 10:35:14 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Nikolette

quote:


Women need to buy guns, learn how to use them and carry them , and not in their purses either!! On their hips under a shirt or sweater.
I want to read in the Newspapers; "Suspected Rapist Shot Dead by Potential Victim!"
And I want to read it everyday!


Ehhh.... I hate to think I'm so close to agreeing with you.

I'd like them to be pro-active in their self protection too.

I liked those pussy teeth or whatever they were that some Aussie invented, I think. If someone got their penis in her it did something harmful to the penis. She wanted all women to wear them (about tampon sized) so that rapist would stop and think: Hey, is this gonna fuck my dick up???? And then choose NOT to rape. I wonder though if it would raise the anal rape incidences?

But that was a huge digression....  Either way I'd like there to be daily headlines about women stopping their attackers, though I don't believe people do things that make them "deserve" to die. (Though I should add that I find exceptions to almost any belief)

Edit:
this is a link to a similar product, though not the same one I was referring to:
http://www.xoul2xoul.com/vagobloc/product.html



Hell, if I was a chick I'd go hunting for rapists.




Nikolette -> RE: Helping her deal with the aftermath of a violent rape (7/14/2008 10:54:32 PM)

quote:

Hell, if I was a chick I'd go hunting for rapists.


Good news for the people who want rapists to die, then:


Men get raped too.

Start the hunt!!!




MissSCD -> RE: Helping her deal with the aftermath of a violent rape (7/15/2008 5:18:38 AM)

Ever been on a rifle range with 120 women learning to shoot M16s?  It is a scary thing.
Not only that, they will steal the purse and use the gun on you.
 
Regards, MissSCD
quote:

ORIGINAL: Nikolette

quote:


Women need to buy guns, learn how to use them and carry them , and not in their purses either!! On their hips under a shirt or sweater.
I want to read in the Newspapers; "Suspected Rapist Shot Dead by Potential Victim!"
And I want to read it everyday!


Ehhh.... I hate to think I'm so close to agreeing with you.

I'd like them to be pro-active in their self protection too.

I liked those pussy teeth or whatever they were that some Aussie invented, I think. If someone got their penis in her it did something harmful to the penis. She wanted all women to wear them (about tampon sized) so that rapist would stop and think: Hey, is this gonna fuck my dick up???? And then choose NOT to rape. I wonder though if it would raise the anal rape incidences?

But that was a huge digression....  Either way I'd like there to be daily headlines about women stopping their attackers, though I don't believe people do things that make them "deserve" to die. (Though I should add that I find exceptions to almost any belief)

Edit:
this is a link to a similar product, though not the same one I was referring to:
http://www.xoul2xoul.com/vagobloc/product.html





CalifChick -> RE: Helping her deal with the aftermath of a violent rape (7/15/2008 10:25:22 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Nikolette
I liked those pussy teeth or whatever they were that some Aussie invented, I think. If someone got their penis in her it did something harmful to the penis.


Yeah, lots of little poky owie thingies.  Too bad it wouldn't have helped those of us who were not raped vaginally.

Cali




Kalista07 -> RE: Helping her deal with the aftermath of a violent rape (7/15/2008 11:06:37 AM)

Damn....... i don't even know where to begin.  i'm not only shocked but saddened by some people's responses on this thread....People who previously i had respected.
OP, i can understand where Your friend is coming from in a way.  Although, my situation was different.  13 months ago i was brutally raped, beaten, and a few other things.  In hindsight, the police 'raped' me mentally and were much more coercive and abusive.  Their degradation, mocking, or belittling did nothing but add to the confusion, doubt, and self hate i was already experiencing. 
i am not only saddened but deeply troubled by the whole 'pull yourselves up by the bootstrap' mentality. i'm sure i'm not entirely unique, but i think that if anyone outside of my own head had been telling me that can of crap, it would have been too much.  Because i have this evil nasty person in my head who tells me things like, "For fucks sake, it was only one day!!! Get over it already!!!"   i was my own worst critic with this as well.
i think some of the additional shame and crap that came with this rape was that i had met him through this site and put myself in that situation. 
i resent being characterized as a victim, because as a society we've made such a negative thing out of that word.  In retropspect I do think it's important for someone to go through the feelings and stages of being a victim so they can transition into being a survivor and eventually become a thriver.   This is all a process....It takes a lot of time..It takes a lot of work....It takes a lot of courage!!!
The other reality is for people who want to say dumb ass things like, "i'd get a gun and shot em".... i don't know if You can appreciate this or not...But that is one of the second least helpful responses possible.   It belittles us and minimizes our experience. Hell. Do You think i would not have paid my freaking left arm for someone to go assault and murder the JAMF who did this shit to me???
OP, one of the best things that i have learned during all of this is that NOT ALL MEN are stupid, evil, ignorant, arrogant, bastards!! i wish  i could tell You i learned this in therapy, but i did not. i met Him. He has been such an awesome guy.  Times when things were supposed to be complete D/s with us and i was not okay....He just held me and let me cry...He never tried to fix it, He only would tell me it's not my fault. He would also tell me to not minimize my experience by saying that i should just 'get over it' already.
i do hope i've been of some help. If not please feel free to contact me on the other side.
Kali





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