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RE: How do you deal with..... - 7/14/2008 6:37:16 AM

mettadas

Posts: 30
Joined: 7/2/2008
From: Ottawa, ON
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: WhisperSupremacy
You're right. I guess I really shouldn't have let it get this bad. It's just been a back and forth kind of thing,....one minute we're on cloud 9, the next minute we're in the 7th layer of hell..... but overall, I just can't take it.

If she is only like this with you, then it is time for some serious talks and you have to prepare to walk away. Over time such a relationship may be very harmful to you.

If she is also this way in other parts of her life, she may need help, and you might encourage her to seek treatment.

_____________________________

If Krishna likes you, he will give you everything;
If he loves you, he'll take everything away.

- Swami Prabhupada

(in reply to WhisperSupremacy)

Post #: 21

RE: How do you deal with..... - 7/14/2008 6:38:23 AM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

Amazing how many of us experience these kinds of relationships, isn't it?

As the rest of us have said, LEAVE. Explain why, talk about it if you think it will matter, but protect yourself. It took me literally years to fully recover from my disaster, just when I thought I was fine, something unexpected would trip my trigger. It's a world of folks, find one that values you.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to ShiftedJewel)

Post #: 22

RE: How do you deal with..... - 7/14/2008 7:08:39 AM

Sabella

Posts: 265
Joined: 7/26/2005
Status: offline

From what you've described that sounds completely demoralizing :( and I would hate it!

A frank discussion is in order, if just to let her know that if this is her method of doming you (being a perpetually unsatisfied bitch) it's not working on your end. For all you know right now it may be an act but I doubt it. I know a few people I keep at arm's length who are of this personality type. They are rarely happy, continually petulant, and one in particular (no longer a friend) only seemed to be REALLY happy when they had others around them miserable because of their behavior.

Good luck.

_____________________________

“The giant Grof was hit in one eye by a stone,
and that eye turned inward so that it looked into his mind and he died of what he saw there.”
From The Forgotten Beasts of Eld, by Patricia A. McKillip

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 23

RE: How do you deal with..... - 7/14/2008 7:20:54 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

I'd walk, and I'd get some therapy to make sure I didn't pick someone else like this again.

If you come from a family of origin without a strong, loving parental type, you will replicate that in future relationships in an attempt to make it come out right, to get a partner who doesn't love you or approve of you to suddenly love you and approve of you. The problem is, it won't happen.

The way to find a person who loves you and approves of you is to find one who is like that in the beginning. In order to be able to be attracted to these kinds of people, you first need to understand and change your imprinted chemistry for the cold and hurtful ones.

Therapy can be one on one, group, or a self help group. I strongly recommend ACOA.

< Message edited by DesFIP -- 7/14/2008 7:29:59 AM >

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Cynical and proud of it!

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Post #: 24

RE: How do you deal with..... - 7/14/2008 7:21:01 AM

OnlyMels

Posts: 115
Joined: 2/27/2008
Status: offline

I put up with a relationship like yours for almost 4 years and life was so much better when I finally left. Vanilla relationship but so abusive that it was like forced slavery. So you may feel that you love her but if its to the point that you can't stand being around this person then its time to go. And you will see how much better you feel after she's gone.

_____________________________

Low riders are for little boys who can't get it up.

Saw it, wanted it, threw a fit, Got It!!

Want to get laid? Crawl up a chicken's ass and wait!

(in reply to ShiftedJewel)

Post #: 25

RE: How do you deal with..... - 7/14/2008 7:44:30 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I'm going to steal this from someone else. I admit that I snipped the original a bit, but I kept the part that I think applies.

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

Abuse isn't healthy

Being a submissive isn't about being pushed down, even if someone is pushing you down, it is about playing with things, unusual things, that at the end of the day make you feel lifted up, fulfilled, and in short fucking happy as all hell.

(The next line is blatently stolen from CreativeDominant)

It shouldn't make you go to bed night after night praying that it will get better tomorrow

Personally, I think you need to do two things.

1. Evaluate your situation when you are not upset.

2. Have a long talk with your Dominant.

While I completely agree with the above quote that I put here, the truth is that some people are abusive, and honestly don't know that they are. It can happen easily because they are the person with the power in the dynamic. Power over another person, like any other type of power, can currupt. If it has gotten to that point, it would be My suggestion that you discuss this, and use the information that you gain from your Dominant and from your own evaluation, to determine what you need to do for you.

I would sincerely like to wish you My best of luck.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to WhisperSupremacy)

Post #: 26

RE: How do you deal with..... - 7/14/2008 7:49:35 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: WhisperSupremacy

quote:

ORIGINAL: SylvereApLeanan

Leave.

No, really. If it becomes obvious that nothing I say or do will ever be enough to suit a partner, then I don't feel the need to stay in an unhealthy relationship. As I said on another thread, if I'm not important to one partner, I can and will find someone who values me more.

My friends have pretty much told me the same thing,.... you're probably right. I'm not fucking happy. I just don't know what to do. I'm going to wait it out a little longer and try to talk with her.

Why prolong the agony?

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to WhisperSupremacy)

Post #: 27

RE: How do you deal with..... - 7/14/2008 8:13:18 AM

afterforever

Posts: 315
Joined: 6/12/2008
From: Belfast, NI
Status: offline

I definitely couldn't live like that. Depending on how much you value the relationship, I would either talk to her and tell her how you feel, or just give up on it now and probably save yourself any more hurt.

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 28

RE: How do you deal with..... - 7/14/2008 8:37:33 AM

stella41b

Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline

I'd put it all in the past tense, as in 'finished', 'gone', 'left'.

If talking was the solution one of you would have done it by now. Right now I feel you both need some distance, silence and space between you.

Then maybe in the cold light of day with a bit of introspection you can both decide where it goes from there.

This isn't the road for halfway houses. It's really all or nothing, and communication on both sides.

The best time to appreciate someone is when they're not there and you can't reach them.

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(in reply to afterforever)

Post #: 29

RE: How do you deal with..... - 7/14/2008 9:53:29 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: stella41b
The best time to appreciate someone is when they're not there and you can't reach them.

I'm going to disagree with this method, precisely on the contention that, if it works, that means it also works in the reverse. In other words, the OP might be willing to find certain things more acceptable during the time period that he's not exposed to them. I'm not especially sure that's the healthiest way to go about things.

I'm also saying this keeping in mind that to some, not serving their Dominant is a greater force of punishment to the sub, rather than enlightening the Dominant to, what might be, a mistake on their part.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to stella41b)

Post #: 30

RE: How do you deal with..... - 7/14/2008 10:20:49 AM

StormsSlave

Posts: 629
Joined: 2/6/2008
Status: offline

2 questions. Why keep trying if the result is always the same? Why is he still with you if the only good part of the relationship is the sex?

I wouldn't presume to tell anyone else how to run their relationship, but I'll tell you what I tell my UM's: you're talking to the wrong people. We're not part of your relationship; he is.

_____________________________

Congratulate me...I'm a missus!!

--nobody's resident anything.

(in reply to ShiftedJewel)

Post #: 31

RE: How do you deal with..... - 7/14/2008 10:48:55 AM

velvetears

Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline

FR

It's not going to get batter unless you make a change. Personally i would not bank on her changing and i would leave. i was in your shoes and i wore them too long, they crippled my feet. Relationships will have their ups and downs but when they consistently undermine your self esteem and make you feel crappy all the time, it's time to move on.

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

(in reply to StormsSlave)

Post #: 32

RE: How do you deal with..... - 7/14/2008 2:09:00 PM

Constrictor1

Posts: 143
Joined: 6/29/2006
From: Constrictor1
Status: offline

Whisper,
I only read the first page of postings and would reccomend the book SM 101. There is a good section in there regarding the differences between an abusive (emotional, physical, spiritual, etc....) versus a controlling relationship. Then determine which one you are in and act in your self-interest and preservation.
Another litmus test for your question might to look at it from the perspective of what advice would you give me if I just asked the same questions.

Good luck
Constrictor1

(in reply to WhisperSupremacy)

Post #: 33

RE: How do you deal with..... - 7/14/2008 4:51:13 PM

silkncarol

Posts: 318
Status: offline

Some people you just can't make happy.... maybe she's one of them.....if that's the case then it's her personality problem....not yours. Maybe she's a drama queen? If you've talked to hear about it ...why keep beating yourself up over it? You're clearly unhappy in the relationship....what's that old say...doing the same thing, expecting different results is insanity. I wouldn't stay in a relationship where i wasn't valued......did that in my 26 year marriage....life is too short!

_____________________________

We attract hearts by the qualities we display. We retain them by the qualities we possess.

Shoes can change your life................. Cinderella

(in reply to Constrictor1)

Post #: 34

RE: How do you deal with..... - 7/14/2008 5:06:36 PM

stella41b

Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

quote:

ORIGINAL: stella41b
The best time to appreciate someone is when they're not there and you can't reach them.

I'm going to disagree with this method, precisely on the contention that, if it works, that means it also works in the reverse. In other words, the OP might be willing to find certain things more acceptable during the time period that he's not exposed to them. I'm not especially sure that's the healthiest way to go about things.

I'm also saying this keeping in mind that to some, not serving their Dominant is a greater force of punishment to the sub, rather than enlightening the Dominant to, what might be, a mistake on their part.

Okay, so how about evaluate a relationship then? Something to do with distance and perspective? I also still feel that communication or lack of it is a problem, and I for one feel that if the communication isn't right then at least until such an issue is resolved the D/s element should also be put to one side.

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also Facebook
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(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 35

RE: How do you deal with..... - 7/14/2008 5:18:35 PM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

If therapy is a viable option for you - run , don't walk to a therapist.

Therapy can clear things up for you , then , if wanted, she/he can come with you.

I spent 13 years married to a man who acted as if he was a paying boarder with sex priviliges. Its no way to live!

Continual complaining sounds like massive dissatisfaction to me, and probably not about what she is complaining. If she won't talk about what is bothering her, I kind of think at this point you need to address her as a child - give her consequences and a time limit, and if she doesn't improve, then enact the consequences.

(in reply to stella41b)

Post #: 36

RE: How do you deal with..... - 7/14/2008 5:19:00 PM

Briena

Posts: 196
Joined: 1/20/2007
Status: offline

Just because you are a submissive doesnt mean that you deserve to be mistreated on a constant basis. Everyone argues, everyone has their issues, but thats not an excuse to shit on anyone. Whenever someone comes to me about their relationship I always tell them the same thing... You love them for everything that they are and everything that they arent, and you deserve the same from them. That means that you love them for their issues good and bad no matter what. If you cant handle the issues that your partner has, and they arent going to change, then they arent right for you. If someone has an issue that you cannot deal with then leave. Find that person who loves you for everything, good and bad no matter what. If she cannot be satisfied by you, then find a woman with whom you can satisfy. Dont degrade her, dont say mean things about her, just realize that you cannot love her for everything she is and everything she isnt. If you cant fix it buy a new one. Be a better person and leave in a respectful manner and find yourself a new one :D Good luck.

(in reply to ShiftedJewel)

Post #: 37

RE: How do you deal with..... - 7/14/2008 6:44:41 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: stella41b

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

quote:

ORIGINAL: stella41b
The best time to appreciate someone is when they're not there and you can't reach them.

I'm going to disagree with this method, precisely on the contention that, if it works, that means it also works in the reverse. In other words, the OP might be willing to find certain things more acceptable during the time period that he's not exposed to them. I'm not especially sure that's the healthiest way to go about things.

I'm also saying this keeping in mind that to some, not serving their Dominant is a greater force of punishment to the sub, rather than enlightening the Dominant to, what might be, a mistake on their part.

Okay, so how about evaluate a relationship then? Something to do with distance and perspective? I also still feel that communication or lack of it is a problem, and I for one feel that if the communication isn't right then at least until such an issue is resolved the D/s element should also be put to one side.

I think you will find that this was part of My original answer.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
Personally, I think you need to do two things.

1. Evaluate your situation when you are not upset.

2. Have a long talk with your Dominant.

While I completely agree with the above quote that I put here, the truth is that some people are abusive, and honestly don't know that they are. It can happen easily because they are the person with the power in the dynamic. Power over another person, like any other type of power, can currupt. If it has gotten to that point, it would be My suggestion that you discuss this, and use the information that you gain from your Dominant and from your own evaluation, to determine what you need to do for you.

I would sincerely like to wish you My best of luck.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to stella41b)

Post #: 38

RE: How do you deal with..... - 7/14/2008 7:13:30 PM

MaamJay

Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline

Whisper, I'm not sure how you got into this in the first place. It could be that this is your first Dominant, it started off with them picking at things and you thought, fair enough, this is training, i need to know what is expected. Over time, it would generally be expected that you get the hang of things as a sub, and would need correcting less and less. That is assuming of course, that you ARE putting your best foot forward, learning as you go and putting that learning into practice, and from what you have said (given we are hearing only your side) that would seem to be a safe assumption. But instead of the corrections getting less and the praise getting more, it seems like the corrections have deteriorated into bitching and escalated BADLY. If this scenario is correct, firstly I want to assure you that this is NOT healthy Dominance. This isn't what you should expect as a sub. Even those Dominants who are very demanding know that they have to offer positive reinforcement, as softness said of her Master.

Secondly, I agree with the poster who said that even if you leave this situation, you may need some therapy to examine yourself and see what has led you into this type of relationship and to learn to recognise the warning signs. The last thing you want to do is end up in another one the same!

Third, by all means try for one last talk with your Dominant, but it would have to lead to a plan which has checks and balances. In other words, there would have to be an agreement for accountability on BOTH sides. I have My doubts as to whether the Dominant as described is going to be willing to do that, but if they won't ... then you have your answer. As others have said, don't stay there flogging a dead horse, it is a sacrifice you shouldn't make. Don't wait the number of years some posters here did ... and, to a point, that I did (though it was a different problem, that of selfishness rather than complaints) ... it doesn't get any better without active and willing intervention on BOTH sides.

Take care of yourself!
Maam Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 39

RE: How do you deal with..... - 7/14/2008 7:45:19 PM

WhisperSupremacy

Posts: 74
Joined: 4/7/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Okay, I know nothing about you except fro this thread, and have never heard her side of the stoty. With that in mind...

1. You say that she "complains". It could be that she's telling you how she wants you to change your actions, and you're resenting that. Or it could be longwinded pointless whining. Big difference.

3. How long has this relationship been going on? If just a few weeks, I would expect her to point out issues. If more than six months or so, I'd say that she's just whining.

It sounds like the relationship may be dying. Perhaps you could change it to a bedroom only situation?

Long winded pointless whining..... and, close to a year and a half.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 40

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