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RE: I am not ok. - 7/16/2008 7:10:48 PM   
NeedingMore220


Posts: 615
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: opposingtwilight
WinsomeDefiance, thank you for reminding me that its ok to be not ok. I'm usually bright and cheerful and I feel like some of my friends must be getting so sick of hearing me sniffle.



It would be weird, to me, if you *were* okay.  It's only been five days ... you've just started the grieving process.  I'd be willing to bet that your friends don't expect you to be anywhere near okay and that they will be there to listen or for whatever you need. 

Here's some info on possible steps within the grieving process.  While I don't buy into it as a 'bible' per se of how to grieve, I have found it helpful in the past identifying some of the stuff I was feeling. http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20061026081459AAPTmP5

Also, someone mentioned writing a eulogy.  I had a loss recently and knew it was coming for a few days.  I went over in my head what I would say at his eulogy ... how people viewed him and the affect he had on people's lives, even without knowing it.  It helped me look at the positives of his life rather than dwell on his death. 




(in reply to opposingtwilight)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: I am not ok. - 7/16/2008 7:16:00 PM   
lighthearted


Posts: 1165
Joined: 11/26/2006
Status: offline 		hello opposing...

here's the deal.  you can't rush the feeling of being ok, no matter how much you may want to.  in the end, what happens is you push down what you need to feel and it will prolong your recovery.  I know this is probably not what you want to hear but I felt I should say it anyway.

unfortunately, what you need is time.  there is no substitute.  the first year is the worst.  cry when you feel like it, be angry when you feel like.  you have a legitimate excuse - you lost someone you love, someone that was very important to you.  it's not like you missed out on a sale at Penney's or something like that.

so in the meantime, on your road to recovery, here's my new favorite joke.  I got it from the Gorean board not too long ago.



A Blonde walks into a bar with her boyfriend. She asks the
bartender for some Bailey's Irish Creme and a shot of lime
juice. She tells her boyfriend, swish the Bailey's around in
your mouth, but don't swallow it.
The guy does as she says and is pretty happy.
Then the blonde gives him the lime juice and says pour it
in, swish it around, let it sit for a minute and then
swallow.
As soon as the lime juice hits the Bailey's, the cream
curdles and becomes a very disgusting mess.
After he finally swallows, he turns to the blonde and asks,
"What was that?"
The blonde replies with a sly smile, "Blow Job Revenge".


_____________________________

"Thou art to me a delicious torment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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Profile   Post #: 22
RE: I am not ok. - 7/16/2008 7:24:54 PM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline 		I used to turn the music up loud while driving and just scream at the top of my lungs until I ended up crying.  I always felt much more able to face things after a good cry.
I also went to the beach at least once a week.  Brought a book, and a walkman (before ipods) and sat for the day and didn't talk to a soul.  I read, I thought about things and I slept.  That was my therapy to get through my mom's death. 
I'm sorry you're dealing with this.  It really sucks.  I truly hope you find a way to find peace.

_____________________________



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Profile   Post #: 23
RE: I am not ok. - 7/16/2008 7:26:12 PM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline 		And I really suck at jokes so I'll spare you of that agony.

_____________________________



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Profile   Post #: 24
RE: I am not ok. - 7/16/2008 7:32:39 PM   
Nikolette


Posts: 488
Joined: 10/2/2004
Status: offline 		link 2 laughs:
hahaha


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"You must be the change you wish to see in the world." ---Mahatma Gandhi

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Profile   Post #: 25
RE: I am not ok. - 7/16/2008 8:18:37 PM   
Kalista07


Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline 		i wish i had some kind of magical words to say to You to take away the pain...But, sadly i do not.  i will tell You however, that i've experienced a great deal of grief, and as such one of the biggest things that annoys the hell out of me is when people throw trite ass cliches at me as though they are true or helpful.  In trying to find a way to deal with some of the grief i was experiencing, i became a certified grief recovery therapist.  The site that i always suggest people go to is www.grief.net.  The most helpful things are on the right hand side where it lists articles.  They myths of grief are one of my favorites.
Please know You can cmail me anytime.
Kali


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“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”
~~Sweedish Proverb


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Profile   Post #: 26
RE: I am not ok. - 7/16/2008 8:29:39 PM   
slaveboyforyou


Posts: 3607
Joined: 1/6/2005
From: Arkansas, U.S.A.
Status: offline 		I wish I could give you "good" advice, but I can't.  I don't do well with grief.  I either go out and get completely snockered, or I stay at home alone and get snockered.  I don't recommend either.  All I can tell you is that the pain will lessen with time. 

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Profile   Post #: 27
RE: I am not ok. - 7/16/2008 8:33:34 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		You're not okay and you aren't supposed to be okay. You are supposed to be right where you are, in terrible pain and grief.

Suicide runs in my family, genetic mood disorder. What I can tell you is that studies of suicides' brains  reveal major differences from normal brains. She didn't do this to hurt people or make them wish they had treated her better. She didn't do this because she was a coward. She died this way because she had a disease, the same as if she had brain cancer.

As far as people offering to do stuff, let them. Do you have stuff that needs to be picked up at the dry cleaner? Ask them to do it. Have a small grocery list but no energy? Ask them to pick you up some bread and milk and toilet paper. They want to help and don't know how. If they were more knowledgable they would say that they were going to the grocery store and why don't you give them your list, but since they don't know enough to offer to do specific things, then you ask them. Let them water your plants, take the garbage out to the can, etc.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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Profile   Post #: 28
RE: I am not ok. - 7/16/2008 8:55:52 PM   
Real_Trouble


Posts: 471
Joined: 2/25/2008
Status: offline 		Two things:

1 - Adversity, ultimately, is what often defines people.  Either it breaks them, or they grow stronger for surviving it.  Any situation like this is terrible, and I would not wish it upon anyone... but likewise, it is an opportunity as well; what happened was terrible, but what you ultimately take from it need not be.

I would also say it's probably a good sign you voluntarily posted about it here.

2 - One of the craziest things I have ever seen is the Bulwer-Lytton contest, which is basically a mad haven of terrible puns and wildly bogus humor.

http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/2007.htm

Enjoy.

_____________________________

Send lawyers, guns, and money.

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Profile   Post #: 29
RE: I am not ok. - 7/16/2008 11:28:10 PM   
TieNTeas


Posts: 101
Joined: 11/15/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WinsomeDefiance
No, you are not ok...and you know what?  It is ok, to NOT be ok. 
<snip>

I totally agree.  Hang out with your friends, or, even better mutual friends of your friend.  Try not to spend too much time alone right now.  If you feel hurt, angry, sad, etc. just allow yourself to feel that way and not fight it just to be 'ok'.


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Profile   Post #: 30
RE: I am not ok. - 7/17/2008 12:07:42 AM   
heartcream


Posts: 3044
Joined: 5/9/2007
From: Psychoalphadiscobetabioaquadoloop
Status: offline 		Getting as much sleep as you can will help you along healing this within you. Sleep is one of the best cures for stress, it is proven medically that when your sleep stress is lowered, your body can heal. (I also recently heard that sleeping uses more calories than watching TV.)

I am also a huge fan of the Epsom salt bath. Light a candle put in some nice essential oils and dump like three cups of Epsom salt in the water it will help release the trauma from your body, it is an inexpensive miracle.

Getting yourself some homeopathic 'Rescue Remedy' is a brilliant idea too, it will help slow down the rate of trauma and relax you, balance the extreme pain out.

I agree with Aileen1960 and others who cheer you on to express what you are feeling out loud. Sound is energy and one of the quickest ways to process the trauma. Get a towel and bunch it up, yell your ever-loving heart out. Crying until you fall asleep is very painful to endure but a restorative measure to be sure.

Going through this is excruciating. You have a good head on your shoulders and that is already helping you out.

Since you asked here is a joke I wrote when I was in grade four:

Q: What goes baaark, baaaark?

A: A sheepdog.




_____________________________

"Exaggerate the essential, leave the obvious vague." Vincent Van Gogh

I'd Rather Be With You

Every single line means something.
Jean-Michel Basquiat



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Profile   Post #: 31
RE: I am not ok. - 7/17/2008 6:05:17 AM   
opposingtwilight


Posts: 684
Joined: 6/13/2008
Status: offline 		Hardcoreslave, wow ... Thank you for sharing your story and your advice. I appreciate it and will try to follow it, if I can.

ominousdominus, I laughed so hard I snorted and the dog had to come check on me. Thank you!

Thank you, stevi.

Red, you're nuts.

PS - Your second post made me cry but in a good way this time. (I'm also blushing.) Thank you. :)

Nikolette, your new pic is beautiful. I love it. And also, swimming is great yes. I hadn't really though about using water for therapy before but it is a good idea. I may try it this morning after my interview.

-hugs GT back- Thank you.

I'm mad at her too, pahunkboy. But I'm not quite ready to deal with being mad at her yet. If that makes any sense. I moved here to be near her because I knew things were bad and I go back and forth between mad and mad at myself for not getting here sooner.

Term, I'm not sure I'm ready to talk about her in detail yet but that might be an idea I'll have to explore when I'm a little more stable. You're right, I won't ever forget her.

slvemike, no worries about being blunt. I can be blunt too sometimes. You show understanding and I appreciate that. Thank you.

afterforever, screaming underwater ... I might try that. (Of course I'll probably scare the dickens out of my apartment manager because she has the pool covered with security cameras.) I love your pic by the way. You have beautiful skin.

NeedingMore, I hadn't thought of it that way. I guess I shouldn't be OK yet and its a good thing that I'm not OK. I would be weird if I were ... Thank you for the link.

lighthearted, you're right. It took me a couple years to be ok after my father passed on. I loved the joke, by the way. I'm going to have to try that sometime if some guy bugs me.

The beach is a wonderful place, Aileen. It was her favorite place to go. Especially at night. She loved the stars. Thank you for reminding me of that.

Kali, when my father passed I heard so many cliches that I started just ignoring people. I'm handling it better now that I'm an adult but yeah. Thank you for the link.

slaveboyforyou - no more snockering. For either of us. -hugs-

Celeste, those are great ideas. And I didn't know that about her brain. It kind of puts things into perspective. Thank you.

RealTrouble, I wasn't going to post about it at all but I figured, I can't really talk to people face to face about it without falling apart and I know they can't really talk to me but maybe this way it'll be easier. And it was. And I've gotten so much great advice. I never expected so many people to take time out like this.

TieNTeas, thank you. That was kind.

heartcream, that joke was adorable. I've been trying not to sleep too much but Sir ordered me into bed by midnight last night and I feel so much better this morning so yeah ... Sleep is not the enemy.

---

I have a job interview to run to and I don't wanna be late! Thank you to everyone ... You are all so wonderful.



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Profile   Post #: 32
RE: I am not ok. - 7/17/2008 6:16:36 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Heck, I'll even perform the jokes!

http://stevencolorado.googlepages.com/clips




_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to opposingtwilight)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: I am not ok. - 7/17/2008 6:56:30 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		It is okay to not be okay. Consider that most of us, most of the time, are not okay. We just pretend really well.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to opposingtwilight)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: I am not ok. - 7/17/2008 7:23:16 AM   
wandersalone


Posts: 4666
Joined: 11/21/2005
Status: offline 		Just a few more things that may help you Dawn.....

make sure you get enough sleep
remind yourself to eat ( when experiencing grief it is easy to forget to eat) - if friends offer to bring you a meal say yes thankyou!
give yourself permission to feel what you are feeling.... someone you loved dearly has died. 
You may feel sadness, anger, disbelief and a million other emotions.... all of them are a normal part of the grief process. 
You may find that you cycle through these emotions.. eg. anger, sadness, back to anger, disbelief, despair, anger etc.  This is ok.
Alcohol and other drugs may temporarily numb the pain and give you some respite from the strength of your emotions however your feelins will still be there when you wake up the next day.... use these minimally if you can.
grief is not a linear process... what this means is that you do not necessarily feel a little better every day. Instead you may find that you are feeling a little better for a few days and then get overwhelmed by sadness again.  Once again, this is perfectly normal.
Try not to isolate yourself too much. 

I have a lot of clients who find it difficult to let others know when they are struggling.  Common reasons they give include that they don't want to be a burden, their friends have enough problems, they don't want to be pitied, they can get through this on their own just like they have every toher time etc etc.  Interestingly when I ask them what they would say if their best friend was feeling sad/depressed/alone and wasn't coming to them for help they say they would feel hurt or mad that their friend didn't ask for help from them.  So think about the kind of friend you are to others.... and give some of your friends the opportunity now to be a friend to you.

Your friend was deeply loved by you .....I bet she treasured your friendship and your grief is an indicator of how much you loved her.

Like many others I have had someone I love suicide and I also work with people who have experienced loss so I will add my name to the list of people offering support to you in any way I can.



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Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. Martin Luther King
Godmother of the subbie mafia
My all time favourite threads
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Profile   Post #: 35
RE: I am not ok. - 7/17/2008 7:36:14 AM   
MistressKali1


Posts: 8
Joined: 9/21/2007
Status: offline 		I am very sorry to hear about your loss.  I also lost a good friend to an eating disorder, she was only 47lbs when she died after 10 years of illness. It is a horrible and painful thing to watch someone you love go through.
A suggestion that has worked for me in the past.  Try stream of conciousness writing.  Just write down whatever comes in your head even if its the same thing over and over.  Eventually you will get things out on paper that are actually productive to helping you feel better, just keep going with it until you have nothing left to say.  I'm not sure if it works for everyone, but it has gotten me through some very hard times and helped me so I hope it can do the same for you.

Best Wishes M Kali

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If the road to hell is paved with good intentions, looks like I'll make it to heaven after all.

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Profile   Post #: 36
RE: I am not ok. - 7/17/2008 7:58:23 AM   
pahunkboy


Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		Are you ok?    NO.  Next topic.

Are you ok?   I am taking a break from it all.

Are you ok?  How about those Cubs!  [a good line for anything]

Are you ok?  What would YOU do, if the situation was in reverse?

Are you ok?  Isnt todays weather hot?


Are you ok?  I belive I will go for coffee.

Are you ok?   Hell no.

Are you ok?   I am going to spend some quiet time alone.

Are you ok?   How about those Cubs?

Are you ok?   rats, gas is too high.

Are you ok?  what is on TV?

Are you ok?  lets go shoe shopping.


Are you ok?  As you can imagine I do not want to talk about it.

Are you ok?  yes and no.

Are you ok?  How about them Cubs?

Are you ok?    lets go to the ice cream parlor, you can treat.


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Profile   Post #: 37
RE: I am not ok. - 7/17/2008 9:04:21 AM   
kdsub


Posts: 12180
Joined: 8/16/2007
Status: offline 		People asking YOU if you are alright are worried about you. You know yourself...if you are having feelings of suicide then get help...Otherwise there is no help for an injured heart except time. Soon you will be thinking more of the good times with your friend and less of her death.

A death is only tragic if no one remembers how they loved them.

Butch


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Profile   Post #: 38
RE: I am not ok. - 7/17/2008 10:48:48 AM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		I often wonder if things had turned out differently for my son, what would have happened and how I would have gotten through.  I wonder if I would have tortured myself with guilt of some sort and if I would have blamed myself for things I truely wasn't guilty or responsible for.  I think to some degree I would have because it seems to be a result of suicide and those who are left to deal with it.  Although my son died, he was brought back.  I had to then face his living and what that now meant because of the lack of oxygen.

My suggestion would be to find someone who can in a sense monitor you if you are finding that you aren't eating or sleeping right.  Someone who can be there, night or day, who will ask and not fear treading on your toes, to make sure you are taking care of yourself.  And don't forget to be physical!  Get out to that beach and look at the stars... smile, laugh, cry... let it flow.  Go in for moments and deal and then back out and do this until your moments out last longer than the moments in.

Would things have been different had you moved there sooner?  I don't know and you won't know that either and torturing yourself won't help.  I know I would have done it because to some degree I did it anyway.  I can't forget because the living proof of all things good and bad, guilt or not, is right in front of me.  So because of this, I work on doing anything productive I can with the situation.  Trying to get a better mental health system in place... creating options for people or anything that can bring something good from something bad.  It helps me deal and I hope in some way helps others not have to deal.

Also, although getting back to life is important, sometimes you can only take it in small amounts and need to go home and go down.  If you have someone who can do the mundane, the things you dread... that little trip to the store around 'people', the bill paying... let them do it!  I think the person that helped me with those things was the greatest help I had and it actually helped me get through the really tough stuff.

I also found chats that were fun and filled with laughter helped me when I needed to escape.  I wish you well!


(in reply to kdsub)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: I am not ok. - 7/17/2008 1:06:49 PM   
pixidustpet


Posts: 857
Joined: 6/4/2008
Status: offline 		i think of my friend sug, who passed away sept 10, 2001.  when my daughter woke me up to tell me about the planes and the towers, my first thought was "what the hell! dont they know sug died?"  she was an inadvertent suicide.  she had chronic pain, the coroner figured she woke up with shoulder pain in the arm she normally had pain in, took another pain pill and laid back down.  she actually was having a heart attack.

james and fallcon both died...heart attack and cancer respectively.  i still fuss at all three for dying and leaving me, especially fallcon who had promised to outlive me knowing how badly i took james' passing.

its ok o be hurt, and angry, and sad.  i figure the depth of emotion you feel when someone passes is directly related to how much you cared for them while they were living.  fallcon passed away dec 25th 2004.  it still hurts to think of him some days.  other days i'm SO glad i got the chance to know him, and love him, and him me. 

today has been a bad day.  i've cried....even though i am *very* happy being engaged to marry TheEngineer.  he doesnt replace any person i loved before, you know?  just like friends now dont replace sug.

*hugs*
kitten

(in reply to Lockit)
Profile   Post #: 40
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