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very confused and hurt sub - 7/17/2008 10:42:12 AM

aprilRain

Posts: 1
Joined: 5/30/2006
Status: offline

i don't know if this is the right forum for this, but its called ask a master, so i will give it a go.
About 18months ago i completely gave up on the idea of ever having a relationship. I am sub, and have realised i am that since i was 16, at about the age of 18 i was rather honest about this when i become sexualy active with a partner, and since that moment, over a decade ago, i have been treated like a whore.. well, i say that, whores charge.
No, i know all men arnt the same, and may be its just a bit of bad luck i have had. But, when a Dom says he is looking for a sub, is it just a spank and a wank with a bit on the side then carry on home to the mrs?
May be I am asking too much, is a sub/Dom relationship possible? is this scene purly about sex and swinging?
I am sorry to sound harsh, i really dont mean to and dont like to offend. But i want to know where i went so wrong, and why i am now in a situation where i cant trust men, if i get chatted up in a bar even i find my self backing away, assuming he we spend an hour or so with me the go home leaving me wondering why i forgot to charge.
basicaly, is this scene all about sex and nothing more? i doubt i will be in a relationship again, i feel too used up, but i am curious as to what this really is about.
I bet this makes no sense at all and i'm sorry if this has offened and wasted any ones time.

Post #: 1

RE: very confused and hurt sub - 7/17/2008 11:00:31 AM

Daes

Posts: 246
Joined: 4/20/2007
From: Diamond Bar, SoCal
Status: offline

Oh sweety...

It sounds to me like you found someone that took advantage of you. Being in a very happy D/s relationship right now, I can tell you its possible, I met a lot of jerks and losers and a-holes along the way, but with patience you can find it. Promise

My advice for the future is to make a potential partner Earn your trust, dont give it blindly. You have to be aware of how your partner treats you, even if he disciplines you, hurts you, he will look out for you, care for you, and guide you. Find a real Man that will love you as you are and for all you give him.

Dont let this experience taint all prospects for happiness. There will always be jerks around and you have to become aware of the signs in how they treat you. Just because you are a sub doesnt mean you have to put up with being treated any less than a human being. Understand that some men translate sub into "easy lay". Some men think of bdsm as just kinky sex - but it isnt that way for all of us. Find someone that focuses on the relationship between two partners and Who you are as a person, rather than the sex. You do not Ever have to submit to someone you dont trust or know well.

Don't be gullible, don't lend your trust blindly, get to Really know someone before taking the next step. If you let someone use you, they will. My first dom that I met in person turned out to be a guy that thought of D/s as roles you play like in a game and didn't take it seriously. He just wanted to get laid. I learned this the hard way and was very upset - but I learned my lesson. Take something good from this lesson, and learn from it.

There are some doms that are very sweet, loving, sadistic, and actually want a relationship based on trust and honesty and love. They are hard to find, but they are there. Dont give up. *hugs*

< Message edited by Daes -- 7/17/2008 11:08:55 AM >

_____________________________

~*Estrellita*~
I want to be in surrender of His strength, of His power. Alone, I am nothing, but in His arms I am all things...

~His puppy~

(in reply to aprilRain)

Post #: 2

RE: very confused and hurt sub - 7/17/2008 11:17:05 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

What (who) is the common denominator in all of these relationships?
Maybe when you change the way you seek out relationships you will find a different type of relationship.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to aprilRain)

Post #: 3

RE: very confused and hurt sub - 7/17/2008 11:24:20 AM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

I agree with Katy. The question I would be asking myself is why do I keep choosing men who treat me like a whore. And no...it's not all about swinging and wanking...although it is for some.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to aprilRain)

Post #: 4

RE: very confused and hurt sub - 7/17/2008 11:27:10 AM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

There is the crux, right there..
If you meet up with someone and opt to hook up for play right away without getting to know them what do you expect? What is there for them to be emotionally or mentally invested in developing?
I recently had some conversations with a local man. He was intrigued enough after we met to continue chatting me up and emailing. Then it came down to it.
He said
Why not come over here and we can chat more about it
I declined at that time.
The next week he said

Have you ever heard the phrase, "A man will give love for sex, and a woman will give sex for love"

I told him
Mostly they use the concept of love to get sex. Another thing I don't believe in.. and is less evident in todays world where sex is very casual. But that may be because sex is about getting IT wet. It is the destination that is important. Whereas with bdsm, the journey is the most important aspect. Whether sex happens or not is not as important as the hours of contact and sensuality that might occur because you genuinely want to make someone swoon with the need to please and be pleased.

If you are hooking up fast hoping that it will develop into a ds relationship it seems like it is putting the cart before the horse.
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: aprilRain
if i get chatted up in a bar even i find my self backing away, assuming he we spend an hour or so with me the go home leaving me wondering why i forgot to charge.
basicaly, is this scene all about sex and nothing more?

(in reply to aprilRain)

Post #: 5

RE: very confused and hurt sub - 7/17/2008 11:29:51 AM

SteelofUtah

Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline

Welcome to the Forums, However it seems you have been on Collar me for just over two years.

I want to start with my philosophy on Relationships. In my experinece with them I find that there are some situations where a person finally starts saying "This Guy was an Asshole" then " This guy started out Nice then he became an asshole" which is where the broken record starts "This guy I thought was different then he turned out to be an asshole", " He showed Promise then started doing the same thing all the other assholes do", "This asshole pretended to be a great guy just to get in my pants." and so on ad-infinitum.

I did the same thing only I dated Bitches and Sluts who all started out as kind sweet girls and then turned into Bitches and Whores that I wished were dead.

Finally someone asked me why I kept going back to the same girl over and over again, and I laughed and said "No, they were all different girls" and they said well if they all started out different girls what made them become a Bitch, what do all these girls have in common?

So I had to take responsibility for my part in these relationships, I had to take responsibility for the fact that I really didn't even know this person that I said I loved because if i did KNOW them I would have known that they would end up like this, or worse I had to take responsibility that some women and me are like a chemical reaction, one moment we are doing something amazing and interesting and then eventually !!!!BOOM!!!! the explosion has torn my life apart.

aprilRain, this is all a series of unfortunate events and sadly just not getting involved doesn't fix anything if anything it allows you to continue making bad decisions and not learning from them, First off I think you may want to stop giving your Pussy to guys who haven't shown you that they deserve it unless you just want to get screwed and then left. You may also want to stop believing a guy because of what he says and seeing if his actions speak louder than his words.

Personally I am a sexually investive person I like the sex and I enjoy the sex but that isn't the POINT of the relationship for me it is simply just a part of it. From your Op however it somewhat seems that you feel if they have Sex with you then they should have a responsibility to you and I wonder how that is possible if you don't wait for them to stake thier claim in your life before you allow them to stake thier claim in your ass?

SCREEN BETTER, and even then you will end up with a few that register just above a Puke Soaked Irish Pub Floor and a Single Celled Organism in terms of what thier worth is. But at least you will be taking an more active approach to learning the mistakes you make in choosing a Mate rather than continuing to make them and then blaming the guy for your own mistake.

I have an unhealthy attraction to women I think I can FIX. This is a lesson I have learned so the reason many of my ex's are Psychotic Delusional Vampire Bitches who like to suck out your dreams and happiness untill you are as miserable as they are is because I actually happen to be attracted to Psychotic Delusional Vampire Bitches who like to suck out your dreams and happiness untill you are as miserable as they are.

Remember there is always the view from the outside looking in to account for.

Steel

_____________________________

Just Steel
Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

(in reply to Daes)

Post #: 6

RE: very confused and hurt sub - 7/17/2008 11:35:15 AM

fyreredsub

Posts: 3403
Joined: 10/7/2005
Status: offline

hi

There was a time when i felt jaded and used and it took me a good bit to realize that it was me.

well i should say the choices i made in my rush to be of good service.

I didnt take the time to really get to know the man or the situation i was getting into

be well
Fyre

it makes for some hard knocks to learn from and grow.

quote:

ORIGINAL: aprilRain

i don't know if this is the right forum for this, but its called ask a master, so i will give it a go.
About 18months ago i completely gave up on the idea of ever having a relationship. I am sub, and have realised i am that since i was 16, at about the age of 18 i was rather honest about this when i become sexualy active with a partner, and since that moment, over a decade ago, i have been treated like a whore.. well, i say that, whores charge.
No, i know all men arnt the same, and may be its just a bit of bad luck i have had. But, when a Dom says he is looking for a sub, is it just a spank and a wank with a bit on the side then carry on home to the mrs?
May be I am asking too much, is a sub/Dom relationship possible? is this scene purly about sex and swinging?
I am sorry to sound harsh, i really dont mean to and dont like to offend. But i want to know where i went so wrong, and why i am now in a situation where i cant trust men, if i get chatted up in a bar even i find my self backing away, assuming he we spend an hour or so with me the go home leaving me wondering why i forgot to charge.
basicaly, is this scene all about sex and nothing more? i doubt i will be in a relationship again, i feel too used up, but i am curious as to what this really is about.
I bet this makes no sense at all and i'm sorry if this has offened and wasted any ones time.

(in reply to aprilRain)

Post #: 7

RE: very confused and hurt sub - 7/17/2008 11:42:29 AM

greenearth21

Posts: 228
Joined: 7/9/2006
Status: offline

Im sorry to hear that you are in such low spirits :( I can easily say dont let that one experience ruin your perception of men, as you said some are pricks while others arent...the ones who arent are far and in between...but they are somewhere out there.

Not sure what to tell you that will help, but...take it one day at a time and take yoru time to get to "know" someone.

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

Post #: 8

RE: very confused and hurt sub - 7/17/2008 11:59:58 AM

PanthersMom

Posts: 2215
Joined: 11/26/2007
From: Cleveland Ohio
Status: offline

be more selective in who you choose for a dominant, don't just take whoever comes along.
PM

_____________________________

That which does not kill me, better run pretty damn fast

I miss my ex, but my aim is improving!

(in reply to greenearth21)

Post #: 9

RE: very confused and hurt sub - 7/17/2008 12:02:08 PM

batshalom

Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline

People only do to you what you allow them to do. If you are looking for more, demand more and settle for no less. Be strong in your convictions and don't let someone not suited to your long-term desires dissuade you or tell you that you're "not submissive enough" or "not kinky enough." At the end of the day, the only person you can answer to is yourself. Make yourself happy first, then work outward from there. I wish you the best of luck and a very happy life.

(in reply to greenearth21)

Post #: 10

RE: very confused and hurt sub - 7/17/2008 12:04:18 PM

phoenixrising43

Posts: 51
Joined: 6/11/2008
Status: offline

I agree...learn from your mistakes and don't let them defeat you.

(in reply to batshalom)

Post #: 11

RE: very confused and hurt sub - 7/17/2008 12:28:35 PM

CelticPrince

Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline

quote:

i don't know if this is the right forum for this, but its called ask a master, so i will give it a go.
About 18months ago i completely gave up on the idea of ever having a relationship. I am sub, and have realised i am that since i was 16, at about the age of 18 i was rather honest about this when i become sexualy active with a partner, and since that moment, over a decade ago, i have been treated like a whore.. well, i say that, whores charge.
No, i know all men arnt the same, and may be its just a bit of bad luck i have had. But, when a Dom says he is looking for a sub, is it just a spank and a wank with a bit on the side then carry on home to the mrs?
May be I am asking too much, is a sub/Dom relationship possible? is this scene purly about sex and swinging?
I am sorry to sound harsh, i really dont mean to and dont like to offend. But i want to know where i went so wrong, and why i am now in a situation where i cant trust men, if i get c
hatted up in a bar even i find my self backing away, assuming he we spend an hour or so with me the go home leaving me wondering why i forgot to charge.
basicaly, is this scene all about sex and nothing more? i doubt i will be in a relationship again, i feel too used up, but i am curious as to what this really is about.
I bet this makes no sense at all and i'm sorry if this has offened and wasted any ones time.

Rain,

Over the years the path has changed as it has grownen from on line population. In many respects there are more horndogs here than in the vanilla life That being that there is a much more directness allowed on the path; less of the social dance if you prefer. Thus rampant cocks aboud on the D/s path.

But that does not say that you have to buy into it. D/s is more about control and the give and take than it is about sex. The trick is to take your time and when it seems like enought time has passed and you areee to meet for a session, take some more time.
The "D"s that recognize the essencial elements of D/s will understand your taking time.

CP

(in reply to aprilRain)

Post #: 12

RE: very confused and hurt sub - 7/17/2008 12:57:23 PM

eyesopened

Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CelticPrince
In many respects there are more horndogs here than in the vanilla life That being that there is a much more directness allowed on the path; less of the social dance if you prefer. Thus rampant cocks aboud on the D/s path.

i will disagree with this. There are horndogs and rampant cocks in life. Period.

Whether 'vanilla' or D/s or doesn't matter, you are treated the way you are because you consent to it. It might not be what you want, but if you examine your actions, you will see that you have totally consented to your being treated badly. Once you limit your consent to being treated well, you will be.

_____________________________

Proudly owned by InkedMaster. He is the one i obey, serve, honor and love.

No one is honored for what they've received. Honor is the reward for what has been given.

(in reply to CelticPrince)

Post #: 13

RE: very confused and hurt sub - 7/17/2008 1:26:45 PM

Maya2001

Posts: 1656
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
Status: offline

Only you can decide what standards you are willing to accept, nobody is forcing you to accept a Dom that has no respect for you and that will not respect what limits you set for yourself .

Decide what you want out of a D/s relationship and be very clear on what you are will to do and what your limits are. ...then find a Dom that is willing to agree to that and spend time getting to know them first before agreeing to submit

_____________________________

Lead me not into temptation - I can find the way myself

(in reply to eyesopened)

Post #: 14

RE: very confused and hurt sub - 7/17/2008 4:04:58 PM

StrongSpirit

Posts: 575
Joined: 4/10/2005
Status: offline

There are lots of men out there that are serious and looking for a relationship (I am one).   One of the things I have found is that often the serious women ACTIVELY AVOID THESE MEN, then complain about how all men are pigs.

First thing, recognize that super-attractive men are either going to be married or don't want to be married. If the guy is out of your league but is still interested in you, chances are he wants a one night stand type thing, not something permanent. The situation gets worse the older you are.   The huge number of men on this web site tends to make it worse for women. Men have to lower their standards, but women sometimes do something really stupid and raise their attractiveness standards to the very top and only date 'nines' or 'tens'. That 6' 2" tall Harvard educated doctor you met here really wants to spank you, but he is NOT interested in marrying you.

Part of the problem is that no one (men or women) wants to date someone 'less' than they are and everyone (men and women) tend to over-estimate their own attractiveness. If you are an 7, you think you are an 8, and only want to date 8's or better.  There are two exceptions to this - men will date someone 'lesser' if they put out, women will date someone 'lesser' if they have cash and are willing to spend it on them.

Yes, this may be a bit cynical, but it is generally true in my experience. There are some exceptions, but few men will date a woman 200 lbs, and most women want a guy with all his hair and over 6'.

My advice to all is to lower your standards for the shallower things and raise them for the deeper things.

For men, that means being willing to date women that weigh a bit more. For women that means being willing to date men that are shorter and maybe have a little bit less hair.

For BDSM people, I can add: bottoms should not insist on their top being incredibally experienced. Tops should not insist on their bottom instantly submitting to them - give it a bit more time.

In both cases, look for a person that you click with outside of sex/bdsm.   If you dance, look for a dancer. Etc.

A general rule is if the guy peaks you interest at all, go on a FIRST date with him/talk on the phone. But only go on a second date/call if he impressed you.

Note, there are 9's and 10's out there that do want a good relationship, but they get snatched up pretty quickly.

(in reply to Maya2001)

Post #: 15

RE: very confused and hurt sub - 7/17/2008 4:23:38 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: StrongSpirit

There are lots of men out there that are serious and looking for a relationship (I am one). One of the things I have found is that often the serious women ACTIVELY AVOID THESE MEN, then complain about how all men are pigs.

As one of the nonpigs, I have to say that listening to one of those rants is awful.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to StrongSpirit)

Post #: 16

RE: very confused and hurt sub - 7/17/2008 4:37:02 PM

lronitulstahp

Posts: 5392
Joined: 10/17/2007
Status: offline

i get what you're saying...but think it's mostly depending on generalizations based on your own personal preferences. i am some dude's perfect 10...depending on their tastes. To each his/her own, really.
~tulip: who loves the fact that some guys really love, lust for and appreciate cute chubby caramel chicks, with hawt boobs, and a semi-witty outlook on life.

_____________________________

Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley

(in reply to StrongSpirit)

Post #: 17

RE: very confused and hurt sub - 7/17/2008 4:56:56 PM

katie978

Posts: 352
Joined: 7/21/2007
Status: offline

My advice is to be straight-forward in what you're looking for. I was seeking a potential long-term relationship with a guy. I basically wanted a boyfriend and a dominant. I made this absolutely clear to every man I talked to-casual sex was not something I was looking for nor was I going to engage in it at any juncture. I tried to avoid overly direct sexual discussion...making sure our interests meshed was okay, him typing one-handed was not.

It's true that I still got some wankers in with the batch of good guys, but I managed to weed out most of them. I also recognized them for what they were.

If you're finding guys who just want to use you for sex...well...you're letting yourself be used for sex to some extent. Make a contract with yourself that you're not having sex until the 3rd date, the 5th date, whatever. It's easy for subbies to let themselves be manipulated by a potential dom, doing what we're told is in our nature. However, you need to self-dom until you're sure you're with someone you can trust.

_____________________________

"That's the plan. Rule the world. You and me. Anyday ::wink::"

(in reply to lronitulstahp)

Post #: 18

RE: very confused and hurt sub - 7/17/2008 5:41:41 PM

Quivver

Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

Maybe it's time to have a long come to Jesus with yourself.
Grab some duct tape and use it on the thinking half and ask that person who lives way down in there what she wants.......
Keep in mind nothing is ever perfect, ask her what she can and can not accept.
Make sure the thinking half is listening and NOT trying to interrupt.
It's OK to want it all, what ever ALL to you actually is, really it is OK!
But want and ability are two different things, settle on the small chit, not the large.
Keep in mind also that you and only YOU can control what you want to have in your life.
So it's your effort and YOUR work to do to make what you want.

It's tough, but eventually it all comes together............

_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to katie978)

Post #: 19

RE: very confused and hurt sub - 7/17/2008 6:47:44 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lronitulstahp
with hawt boobs

/Ignores the rest of her post/

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to lronitulstahp)

Post #: 20

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