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RE: very confused and hurt sub - 7/17/2008 7:14:08 PM

batshalom

Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
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For a non-pig you sure do oink well.

Heheheheh.

(I ignored the rest of her post too.)

Oink.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

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Post #: 21

RE: very confused and hurt sub - 7/17/2008 9:14:48 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

You need to learn that you are a valuable, worthwhile person. Someone who really deserves good treatment.

Take a break from men for a while. Work on you. Write out a list of all of your good qualities, just the good ones.

Make copies and read this every day, adding to it as you discover other positive things about yourself. Get a book on affirmations and post them on your mirror, inside your desk drawer, on your dashboard.

When you become someone who believes in yourself you will find that you will spot the people who don't believe in you a lot faster, and you won't tolerate them. Unfortunately until then, you will keep accepting this treatment which is why I suggest you don't date for some months.

You don't need to be perfect, you just need to be a work in progress, making progress.

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RE: very confused and hurt sub - 7/17/2008 10:58:28 PM

kinkypuppy2

Posts: 345
Joined: 11/4/2007
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Definately possable and indeed does happen, You just have to be honest, truthful, and find someone who is the same.

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See nic "Kinkypupper" also as "slvseeker" As I cannot reply to any posts or log into collarchat under that name I had to create this profile.

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RE: very confused and hurt sub - 7/18/2008 1:56:54 AM

persephonee

Posts: 5089
Joined: 12/15/2007
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Everyone else said it...common denominator is you. Dont allow that to continue.

ETA...fast reply to OP

< Message edited by persephonee -- 7/18/2008 2:04:21 AM >

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And You can carry me away....if You want to. ~Kasey Chambers

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Nothing is exactly as it seems~Nor, is it otherwise.

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RE: very confused and hurt sub - 7/18/2008 2:32:47 AM

stella41b

Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
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I'll put it another way. You know how to make bread, right? Take some flour, some water, a little salt, and yeast, because you need good yeast to make good bread, right?

Okay. The flour represents friendship, that basic emotional connection. The water is that basic relationship, what brings you together and - hopefully - keeps you together. Your submission and his dominance, that's the yeast.

Now if you approach your next relationship the same way you make bread, not forgetting the flour, water or yeast, I'd put money on you having a much more fulfilling relationship.

Or another way. Let's say you're hungry. What do you prefer? A Big Mac meal at your local MacD or a homecooked dinner? Now ask yourself why you're choosing the Big Mac version of relationships? Wouldn't it be better to have a proper 'home-cooked' relationship?

There's a lot of really decent people out there. They just prefer home cooking.

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RE: very confused and hurt sub - 7/18/2008 5:42:11 AM

lalbobbilynn

Posts: 483
Joined: 6/11/2006
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i can understand Your mindset, nevertheless, there is a fair amount of advice that rings true here, and IMHO "giving up" only limits Your own personal growth.
i am a firm believer that what we put out there is what we shall get in return, although not always. If You enter into a relationship viewing yourself as a whore, chances are the One You are considering will view You as such.
i also hold strong in a few tried and true beliefs: No two people are the same, and we all have free will.
That being said, i was married for seventeen yrs and although i have moments of labeling all that my ex did wrong, i try to focus on what i can change ...... that would be me, and where i went wrong in those seventeen yrs.
Do NOT give up, You are worth more then even You know.
My best unto You.
b.~

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Post #: 26

RE: very confused and hurt sub - 7/18/2008 6:28:27 AM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: aprilRain

i don't know if this is the right forum for this, but its called ask a master, so i will give it a go.
About 18months ago i completely gave up on the idea of ever having a relationship. I am sub, and have realised i am that since i was 16, at about the age of 18 i was rather honest about this when i become sexualy active with a partner, and since that moment, over a decade ago, i have been treated like a whore.. well, i say that, whores charge.
No, i know all men arnt the same, and may be its just a bit of bad luck i have had. But, when a Dom says he is looking for a sub, is it just a spank and a wank with a bit on the side then carry on home to the mrs?
May be I am asking too much, is a sub/Dom relationship possible? is this scene purly about sex and swinging?
I am sorry to sound harsh, i really dont mean to and dont like to offend. But i want to know where i went so wrong, and why i am now in a situation where i cant trust men, if i get chatted up in a bar even i find my self backing away, assuming he we spend an hour or so with me the go home leaving me wondering why i forgot to charge.
basicaly, is this scene all about sex and nothing more? i doubt i will be in a relationship again, i feel too used up, but i am curious as to what this really is about.
I bet this makes no sense at all and i'm sorry if this has offened and wasted any ones time.

Wanting to know is not a waste of time.

The problemseems to be that you are looking for a relationship but forget that relationships take time to develop.
Out of loneliness perhaps you are settling for jumping into bed before he has earned your trust.

You are the one who needs to decide when someone has earned that right.

Lay sex aside and find things you enjoy and meet people who enjoy the same things.
Take a class.
Go to munches without the agenda of looking for Mr. Right...just meet people until you have enough value for yourself to not settle for less than you deserve.

(in reply to aprilRain)

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Post #: 27

RE: very confused and hurt sub - 7/18/2008 8:03:33 AM

MisterStrongWill

Posts: 44
Joined: 12/31/2004
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Great relationships are like a found treasure. Get a mental(pun)detecter. To quick to play, no time to stay..Move on.

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Post #: 28

RE: very confused and hurt sub - 7/18/2008 8:30:57 AM

TaskMasterNY

Posts: 2
Joined: 7/13/2008
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Most submissives say they want a Dom with self confidence. What so many fail ro realize is that true Dominants, whether they realize it or not, want a sub with self confidence.
This trait will allow the sub to make the proper and most appropriate decisions when they are not actively being controlled by a Dominant. This trait will prevent the sub from being a doormat or an "easy lay", because it has value, TO HIS/HERSELF.
A submissives very first responsibility is to his/her self. If the sub takes care of its own mental, physical, and spiritual selves, it will thrive and grow, allowing it to become all it is capable of.
Evaluate why you lack the confidence to be your own Master first, and work on that.

< Message edited by TaskMasterNY -- 7/18/2008 8:38:11 AM >

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RE: very confused and hurt sub - 7/18/2008 5:32:13 PM

soul2share

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Joined: 12/18/2007
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Evderyone here has said pretty much what I would say. I have also been burned by the one hour stand.....after the second one I was stupid enough to believe, I decided then that MY standards were the ones that matter most. No, there's no play on the first meeting. There may even be one or two meetings before play actually takes place. With a few pathetic exceptions, those who agreed to meet my standards turned out to be great guys. They may not have worked out in the long run, but for the time we were playing together, there was a great deal of mutual respect.

The things that govern your actions shouldn't be any different in the BDSM lifestyle as it would be in the vanilla world.....they are actually one in the same for me. If you wouldn't do something in a vanilla setting, why is it that you feel you HAVE to do it in the BDSM one? I'll never understand why folks need to, or seem have to, think there is a different set of rules. The basics of the relationship are the same, trust, respect, communication and others....what takes place in the bedroom should be one of the last considerations. But again, this is just my opinion.

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RE: very confused and hurt sub - 7/19/2008 1:38:10 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
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To OP:
I had a lot of these same questions when I first ventured into the scene. The thing is, you're half right. And the fact that you're half right makes it harder to see the "half wrong" part. I came across this phrase "kink centric" in someone elses posts and it made a lot of things clearer to me. It does appear to me that a LOT of people in "the scene" engage in kink-centric relationships. That does not mean that the entirety of the relationship is sex. It does mean, however, that the relationship got started based upon shared sexual interests and may or may not ever develop into much more than that. However, not everyone in "the scene" is looking for a kink-centric relationship and, even those that do, very typically hope that it will blossom into something more given time. Not that I really claim to undestand this yet, but I'm coming to see it not so much as an either/or thing but rather a relative balance of "sex" and "intimacy".

I might also point out that you are a 29 year old straight female. That means that you're looking for 29 year old men. For the record, I think there's a pretty good claim for saying that most men are pretty kink-centric between the ages of say 15 and 30. Damned all that testosterone! *shakes fist*

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I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
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Post #: 31