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tsatske -> RE: Internal Enslavement (7/28/2008 5:56:22 AM)
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I have no limits, once I am owned. I have been known to beg my Master to allow me certain limits, but they are not on the things you would expect. They are generally places where, without begging Him, He would have no way of understanding how strongly I felt about something. For instance, use by other men, at His pleasure, which has not been asked of me yet by my current Master. But I had a former Master, who I was deeply devoted to, who was greatly disturbed that he was impotent. He felt that he should find me a partner to allow me certain pleasures. I will gladly do anything Master asks of me, but it was distressing to me to think that I would end up doing something I found so unpleasant as fucking a man who did no own me, that I would be doing it only to obey my Master, and that He would be doing it only to please me. It was the last part that was a conundrum for me. He was, as most men are, deeply convinced that I would 'need' this, and begging was the only way to allow Him to see the honest depth of feeling in a direction he was not expecting it to be. In general, I have no problem with playing with other men, if Master wishes it - and there are often good reasons for Master to chose so. However, He is aware that it is not something that I EVER jump up and volunteer for, i do not mind it, but, on the other hand, i never find myself 'wanting' it, either. (subbie sisters, women, are a whole different matter)
Basically, I trust my Master. He will do me no harm, as I truly do know that I am his most valued possession. If he chooses to do me harm, that is his right. I would not place myself in a situation where I am going to sit and calmly accept harm to myself as someone elses right, unless I deeply trusted them not to take that lightly.
I do, however, have a responsibility not to sit and calmly accept harm that I know or strongly suspect will occur, without being sure that he knows my feelings and opinions on the issue and is making his choice aware of those.
With my last Master I had a safeword. Safewords are, in my opinion, for the Top, not for me. I understand that, depending on the session or even the point in one session, i either am a screamer and yell and beg, or go silent (either subbed out or breathing through it to handle it or handling it with silent gritted teeth.) Many subs have one of these reactions, i move among them all. Any one of them will make it hard for a Master to tell when it is time to stop, on me, i acknowledge that it is, indeed, more difficult.
However, a Master who wished me to have a safe word would also have to accept and understand that I just do not use the damn things. In over a dozen years in the lifestyle, i have safeworded less times than you can put on one hand. My requirement to safe word is, i must convince myself, 'I know something, something important, that he does not know. I must make him stop to tell him what I know, or he will be disappointed in me.'
I can only speak for myself, but, for myself, I do not believe in having limits. That said, there are a couple things I could not bring myself to do, you could, i guess, call those hard limits, but they are so far into the continuum that he would never go there - anyone that would go there is either a psychopath, or, in the case of the second 'limit', suffers a serious lack of education and understanding of the real world. I can not hurt my own children. I will not drink alcohol. The second one is complex - he has the right, in my opinion, to injure me, hurt me, kill me. He will not, but I have no problem with the fact that he has the right. I had a former Master come close to it, in fact. He tried to feed me something I had bought him as a treat, which included an ingredient to which i have an anaphylactic allergic reaction. I kept trying to stop him to remind him, till he got mad at my attempts to interrupt him and said, 'shut up and eat this', and pulled away at the last moment with an 'oh, shit', when i opened my mouth and shut up, as he suddenly remembered. Many on here will react to that story by saying i am not a safe sub to play with, and, if i were like that to play with, i would not be, but being property is not the same as playing. in my world, that story is understood - i did my best to inform Master, he told me to shut up and obey, so i did.
But drinking is another issue. Feed me the nuts I am allergic to, and you, as a Master, will deal with the fall out. (that is a basic thing, to me. I do whatever Master orders me to. If there are consequences, Master will deal with them.) Drinking, however, will kill me slowly and horribly, and at some point along that continuum, you would need to release me. No one can be expected to live with a raging alcoholic. So, killing me is one thing, having me die a horrid death without my Master, who has walked away to not deal with it (as, imo, anyone would need to) is another. But it is not an issue. My Master is no more going to ask me to take a drink than he would feed me tropical rain forest nuts - in fact, i trust that his understanding of his slaves needs is such that he would more likely feed me the nuts, than the alcohol. I say this because those of us who say we have no hard limits - i have no limits, hard or otherwise - to those who disapprove of that statement, will generally try to find something extreme enough that the no limitsers have to fall back onto 'Master wouldn't do that'. And it is true - my limits may not always match Masters, he may ask me to do things that, while I was unowned and maintained my own limits i would have called a limit - but i would not choose or remain with a Master who was likely to ask of me those deepest, most internal things - like hurting my own children.
I.E. is designed to be deep, none the less, it remains my opinion, in spite of the dream of 'unable to leave', that everyone has things that will trip their 'big red internal no button', and they will leave. As I have said in this thread already, we are not so different from other subsets of society where people find it deeply internally hard to leave. I love Master deeply, and am deeply committed to Him. I would drive off the side of the grand canyon for him if he ordered it, without question. But ask me to harm my own children, (btw, they are all adults, so I am well inside TOS here), and i will walk. Not everyone has the same point, of course. My mother has never been a part of our lifestyle, but a conservative Christian who did not believe in leaving her husband. The fact that her children were being beaten regularly was not enough to make her leave. The fact that her children were being classically abused in many other ways, (locked in closets, ect), was not sufficient for her to leave. When she found out he was raping her children, that was not enough for her to leave. A couple of years after that, when the state found out he was beating and raping her children, she stood by him while the state took her children away from her. I do not approve of her choice, but I am aware that she was not unaffected and that losing her children broke her heart. But she was by his side, 20 years later, when he died of brain cancer.
How is my decision to 'internal enslave' myself so much more offensive than the others who are in subsets of society that do not allow for women to leave? because those women sometimes do leave, and therefore 'can'? I have known I.E. slaves to leave, as well. and those women whose reasons to be unable to leave are religious, for them, it is, as someone said, a 'fate worse than death', as they believe their immortal soul is in danger if they leave. Threats don't get much bigger than that.
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