CallaFirestormBW
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Joined: 6/29/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: CelticPrince
Calla,
Thanks that was a fairly comprehensive look at the problems encountered. How have you handled them?
CP
It's pretty simple to handle the issue of being honest with oneself. It's a choice... a decision every time, and it's one that the individual can't skirt or pass off, no matter where they rest in the relationship picture. It requires taking a good, hard look at yourself and, in particular, the places where things aren't working or haven't worked in the past, and figuring out how you contributed to that "not working" part. It's easy to be honest with ourselves about the stuff that works -- it's the mistakes that we make and the lessons that they teach us that are consistently more difficult to choke down.
I have an advantage as well -- I have another person who is not submissive to me (for the most part) and who is my intellectual and esoteric equal, who makes it a project to make sure that I am seeing where I'm messing up. Some people would call her a nag. I call her "heart of my heart' and cherish her contributions to my conscience. Sometimes we bicker about what she puts up for me to see -- and sometimes it takes me a few days of choking on it before I finally swallow that big chunk of misplaced pride and really take a look at things squarely on -- but as rough as it gets, I am honestly appreciative of having her there to help me keep my eye on the big picture. This is good for everyone who has to deal with me, because they get my true face every time. (BTW, this doesn't mean that I blurt out everything about my private life in intimate detail to everyone that I work or play with -- however, it means that what they see is a genuine reflection of my beliefs, ethics, and my own moral code.)
The next hardest part is helping the other person involved in the relationship to find the person who can help them face themselves when they don't want to. Sometimes the mate can do this -- but that really isn't very often. My companion can do it for me, but I can't return the favor -- the way I phrase things either confuses her or presses one of her "I'm not listening anymore" buttons. Fortunately, we have 3 other people who do that for her -- one does it unconsciously, by setting her off and then forcing her to deal with the consequences of her explosions, and two do it consciously, and manage to do it without making her feel like a heel, creep, or idiot. It's a thankless job (I know, because she does it for me, and I don't thank her nearly enough!), but it's important. Facing ourselves squarely, even when we don't -want- to face what we know will be there, is one of the things that allows us to face the other people in our lives with our honest face.
Once you've got those two things under your belt, start paying attention to interactions -- watch for those sneaky "expectations", and bring them to the table.
The last part is the hardest, because in the process of relationship-building, it often gets forgotten, but it may be the most important part of building -any- relationship, including a D/s or M/s relationship -- have -fun-. Take time for yourselves first (I know, it doesn't seem possible, between work and other responsibilities... but trust me... it's possible if you want it!). Spend time together. Laugh often (and don't forget to laugh at yourselves!). Push the intensity level as high as you want it, and see how long you can hold it there -- don't give in until you absolutely have to... and then, as soon as you get the chance, build it up again. Not just the D/s or M/s intensity... the -living- intensity... the joy of being together. Celebrate one another. Find occasions in daily life that merit remembering -- then do something outrageous to make them special.
Peoples' relationships don't die because of "reality". Peoples' relationships die because something else became more important than the relationship -- and that's something that can happen any day, any time -- sometimes it is unavoidable, but make sure that if there -does- come an unavoidable time where the relationship has to take a back seat, that when the "unavoidable" is over, you make a special effort to reignite the relationship. Most peoples' relationships die by gentle neglect... the most important thing you can do after constantly working to know yourself better is to never allow Neglect to find a place at your hearth.
Calla Firestorm
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Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"
"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer
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RE: The move to 24/7 Now What? - 
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good luck and safe journey on your move!!!
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