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Love and BDSM - 7/22/2008 7:05:55 AM

Daddystouch

Posts: 162
Joined: 10/20/2006
From: South East England
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Do you need to love someone to have a good BDSM relationship? Or do you need a good BDSM relationship to love someone*?

I have always thought of dominance/submission flowing from love. Some people are just naturally dominant or submissive, but gaining pleasure from these things is different... and I am sure most people submit to or dominate their partner whom they love differently than they have partners they did not, or how they treat friends, co-workers etc!

But I have read on the profiles of some apparently experienced and respected doms things like "we don't need to fall in love, if we get a good BDSM relationship then we'll end up loving each other". That might make sense, but I can't imagine a "good BDSM relationship" without love...

*Romantic love, obviously.

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Post #: 1

RE: Love and BDSM - 7/22/2008 7:24:06 AM

eyesopened

Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
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I've had more than one BDSM relationship that was immensely satisfying without messing it up with "love." Built on respect, trust, friendship, and affection but none of that often messy "love" crap. Relationships work when there are common goals. "True and Everlasting Love" does not need to be a goal in every relationship. In my previous relationships we had common goals. They worked. Our goals were realized. We moved on when the goals changed. We remained friends. They were GOOD BDSM relationships!

In my current relationship the Love and the BDSM went together, not one before the other. Although frankly (and we just discussed this a day or two ago) we would never have met if BDSM wasn't a mutual requirement. Our common goal is to have and maintain a M/s relationship that will last the rest of our lives. Having very strong, common goals is what makes the relationship work. That we fell in love with each other is a bonus.

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Post #: 2

RE: Love and BDSM - 7/22/2008 7:34:59 AM

greenearth21

Posts: 228
Joined: 7/9/2006
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I prefer having my cake and eating it too (both). I can also relate to what eyesopened said. There are times where i just wanted a relationship (not out of desperation) and teh person and I had things we wanted from the relationship and once we met those 'goals' then we parted ways, and i'm able to carry a relationship in such a manner as long as my partner and I have the same understanding. I'm also open to a relationship that has love as well as bdsm

(in reply to eyesopened)

Post #: 3

RE: Love and BDSM - 7/22/2008 7:41:43 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
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No. Love is not a requirement for a good BDSM relationship, or any other kind of relationship. But some people need love in any relationship they have. It is a personal preference, some people desire intimacy or love, some do not.

the.dark.

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RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to Daddystouch)

Post #: 4

RE: Love and BDSM - 7/22/2008 8:03:48 AM

SimplyMichael

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I would say love is required for a ROMANTIC bdsm relationship but if someone isn't seeking a romantic relationship then leaving love out is a good thing. For example, I seek a local partner or two as secondary relationships and I do NOT want love to be part of them, hot nasty violent Klingon sex sure but not love.

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 5

RE: Love and BDSM - 7/22/2008 8:09:41 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
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I love my husband but we do not have a BDSM relationship though I would say I would say I have the stronger personality and the majority of responsibility and authority.

I grew to love my slave while we were in the training stages of our relationship. I have not always loved my subs or slaves. I know which has lasted longest so far.. the one where we both grew to love each other.

However I can't say that I am "in love" with either of my partners in any sense that normally implies - the head over heels, ignoring reality, you can do no wrong way. I love them both greatly.

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(in reply to Daddystouch)

Post #: 6

RE: Love and BDSM - 7/22/2008 8:28:15 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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On the basis of romantic love, since it's really two questions, I'm going to answer no and no.

I'm romantically in love with My husband. Our relationship doesn't involve power exchange, authority transfer, or whatever the new buzz word is to describe such a dynamic. He isn't My sub. These past few years, he's shared My BDSM interests, but as a fellow Top.

I'm Dominant to My sub. There is no romantic love involved. The type of love that I have for him is something that has grown based on our dynamic. I don't see that love as a necessary component. To Me, it's more like a fringe benefit. What we have stems solely from D/s.

Basically, what I am saying here is that these two separate needs are not filled by the same person for Me. For others, they do need to be filled by a single person. I think you're going to find that lots of people do this in different ways.

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(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 7

RE: Love and BDSM - 7/22/2008 8:34:01 AM

Daddystouch

Posts: 162
Joined: 10/20/2006
From: South East England
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Interesting replies, thankyou.

To branch the topic out a little with a thought this has given me:

As my name suggests, I'm into the Daddy dom thing. Something that always bugs me is how to define a Daddy dom relationship. It's not necessarily age play, it's not neessarily incest play... what is it?

Could it be that perhaps Daddy dom-ing requires romantic love, where 'vanilla' BDSM does not?

As I say, I couldn't imagine a relationship like that without love, so maybe that's my personal taste or maybe that's Daddy-doming?

Just a thought.

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(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 8

RE: Love and BDSM - 7/22/2008 8:41:28 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
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'Love' - No. Besides, if you can define love, understand it, or explain it, you've accomplished something beyond the ability of Shakespeare.

Personally I believe that some type of emotional connection is necessary, but that's just me.

(in reply to Daddystouch)

Post #: 9

RE: Love and BDSM - 7/22/2008 8:43:25 AM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

Love? Not so much. Maybe it's my long experience as a teacher and counsellor, I am used to having quasi-intimate relationships with other people but can still keep my distance. (why yes! this does get in the way of romance, thanks for asking) I can care very much about someone's welfare, want to protect them, keep them happy, without anything like tradtional love.

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Post #: 10

RE: Love and BDSM - 7/22/2008 8:47:47 AM

Asmodeus

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As I say in my profile, the type of love that I can develop for a submissive is pretty much in the same category as one would develop for a treasured pet. Care, concern, worry, et al, can all be part of that, but for the bells and trappings of romantic love, I need a strong, equal partner. BDSM is not a factor in that.

I've had very satisying D/s relationships with people that I did not love.

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Deus Ex Machina

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 11

RE: Love and BDSM - 7/22/2008 8:51:15 AM

eyesopened

Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline

Define love.

I have never had a BDSM relationship that did not include affection. I was "in LIKE" with my partners. I did not want to fall in love. That was my preference and I chose partners who had the same relationship goals.

It so happened that when I was ready to fall in love, the Universe presented me with someone who also wanted the same goals.

Daddy-Dom? Not sure, because I've never wanted that kind of dynamic. Me? I can't imagine being in love with my Dad, that just seems icky to me, but then you say you're not into an incest play dynamic. i'm pretty sure there are Daddy/daughter relationships that do not include romantic love.

Here's a thought, just for consideration. Why not just relax and enjoy the moment, the relationship and the dynamic you have. Over-thinking or placing something into a neat little box isn't going to add to the quality of your life or your dynamic. Smile! Isn't it wonderful that we aren't all the same?

_____________________________

Proudly owned by InkedMaster. He is the one i obey, serve, honor and love.

No one is honored for what they've received. Honor is the reward for what has been given.

(in reply to Daddystouch)

Post #: 12

RE: Love and BDSM - 7/22/2008 8:51:53 AM

InsaenPleasures

Posts: 49
Joined: 4/27/2008
Status: offline

I do not think love is a requirement or necessary for a good BDSM relationship, however it can and does happen. As with everything there is no hard and fast rule although I think from some of the responses people do impose their own boundaries on love, BDSM, and romance.

Although it is my belief you cannot really control how you feel, only how you act on those feelings.

(in reply to Asmodeus)

Post #: 13

RE: Love and BDSM - 7/22/2008 8:52:04 AM

PrincessEllie

Posts: 287
Joined: 11/30/2006
Status: offline

I might be a little weird here, I've heard it said so on many occassion. I believe that D/s and love go hand in hand. For me, where there is one, the other will also be found. I'm looking for romance just as much as I'm looking for someone to spank me.

Knowing that someone loves me fufills me in a very personal way, just as knowing I belong to someone fufills me. For me to be happy, I must be loved and belong. It's just how I am.

_____________________________

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May break my bones
But whips and chains excite me
So tie me up
Or hold me down
And bite me baby, bite me!

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(in reply to Daddystouch)

Post #: 14

RE: Love and BDSM - 7/22/2008 8:58:53 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Daddystouch
Could it be that perhaps Daddy dom-ing requires romantic love, where 'vanilla' BDSM does not?

As I say, I couldn't imagine a relationship like that without love, so maybe that's my personal taste or maybe that's Daddy-doming?

Just a thought.

Our relationship has romantic love... or at least our definition of it. All consuming, infatuation, adoration, passion, hearts and flowers, candle-lit meals and four poster beds with lots of hand holding. But Darcy is not my Daddy, it isn't the kind of relationship we have. He is owner, controller and Master of me. I don't believe it has anything with being a Daddy, it's purely personal choice.

the.dark.

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to Daddystouch)

Post #: 15

RE: Love and BDSM - 7/22/2008 8:59:13 AM

christine1

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Joined: 12/15/2007
From: i'm headed to HIM...
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for me, love needs to be there in order for me to submit. trying to submit and serve someone i don't love would be impossible for me.

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Post #: 16

RE: Love and BDSM - 7/22/2008 9:09:30 AM

happilycollared

Posts: 4
Joined: 6/12/2008
Status: offline

This is most definitely an interesting topic. I would have to say that love is not required at first, but as is shown by quite a few other people here, it is something that will grow over time. Just like a vanilla relationship, you meet, test the waters, get to know each other, and eventually fall in love. Sometimes it's a quick process, and other times it takes a long, long while. For me, personally, we dated, fell in love, and then started exploring BDSM, but if I hadn't met the woman of my dreams and instead found someone at a munch or through here, then perhaps bdsm would have come first, but I doubt I would stay with anyone if I didn't love them or they didn't love me.

H.

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 17

RE: Love and BDSM - 7/22/2008 9:09:51 AM

cuffncollar

Posts: 73
Joined: 1/21/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: christine1

for me, love needs to be there in order for me to submit. trying to submit and serve someone i don't love would be impossible for me.

i agree totally with christine...without love i wouldn't be able to totally submit.

(in reply to christine1)

Post #: 18

RE: Love and BDSM - 7/22/2008 9:12:54 AM

Leoben

Posts: 7
Joined: 6/14/2008
From: Vancouver, WA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Daddystouch

Do you need to love someone to have a good BDSM relationship? Or do you need a good BDSM relationship to love someone*?

I have always thought of dominance/submission flowing from love. Some people are just naturally dominant or submissive, but gaining pleasure from these things is different... and I am sure most people submit to or dominate their partner whom they love differently than they have partners they did not, or how they treat friends, co-workers etc!

But I have read on the profiles of some apparently experienced and respected doms things like "we don't need to fall in love, if we get a good BDSM relationship then we'll end up loving each other". That might make sense, but I can't imagine a "good BDSM relationship" without love...

*Romantic love, obviously.

I need a good BDSM relationship to truly love someone. I've tried vanilla relationships but they simply don't make me feel as intoxicated, content, pleased, happy as having a relationship based upon domination and submission.

Ever since I was... 5 or so, I knew I wanted, one day, to be in a relationship like the one I am in now. It's not that I need kink to be happy, I could forgo such activities, but I cannot maintain for very long a vanilla relationship with a woman who does not submit to my authority.

I am rather perturbed by dominant males and females I've seen who think like you mentioned, where they think a relationship without much love, either in the beginning or throughout, is a relationship. I couldn't imagine having a relationship with someone without loving them first. A relationship which lacks romantic love is not a relationship at all as far as I am concerned.

(in reply to Daddystouch)

Post #: 19

RE: Love and BDSM - 7/22/2008 9:13:09 AM

softness

Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline

I don't think love is a requirement for a healthy BDSM relationship, and I can have them without love.
I do require there to be affection in my BDSM relationships ... even with just a casual play partner. By affection I mean both physical and emotional. I don't build any kind of personal relationship with people who rule out affection, and so a serious BDSM relationship would never happen for me where love was ruled out from the start.
That does not mean I need to be in love to submit, or to serve, or to suffer. I am not someone who requires a loving committed relationship in order to feel able to submit. The intensity of my emotional connection will be refelcted in the degree to which I will submit, serve and suffer. I cannot imagine being enslaved to a man I did not love, but I can imagine playing with one. I do not want a BDSM relationship that is based on love, I want love that is based on a good BDSM relationship

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(in reply to PrincessEllie)

Post #: 20

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