A scene goes wrong by accident...what next?

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A scene goes wrong by accident...what next? - 7/22/2008 8:32:46 PM

Justine45

Posts: 7
Joined: 5/16/2008
Status: offline

For several months, I've had an extremely fulfilling relationship with an intelligent Dom who I'll call F. While neither of us are 24/7 or heavy players, our play has been the most erotic I've ever experienced.

However, things went unexpectedly wrong over a week ago. To make a long story short, I was tied to a chair (I was facing backwards) which unexpectedly tipped forward. I ended up on my face with a nosebleed. F. was horrified. He apologized over and over, attended to me with ice and washcloths, and even offered a trip to the ER. Later F. said he'd even taken the chair on a test drive to make sure it wouldn't tip.

Here's the problem: ever since the incident some ten days ago, he hasn't suggested any future play, although we've chatted and e-mailed about our usual non-D/s topics.

Has the incident upset him to the point where he doesn't want to pursue any future D/s play with me? I realize this is, in some ways, an unfair question since nobody here knows anything about him. But perhaps some other dominants would have a better idea of how he's feeling about the situation than I am.

Post #: 1

RE: A scene goes wrong by accident...what next? - 7/22/2008 8:37:25 PM

Alumbrado

Posts: 5560
Status: offline

Anybody with a strong protector instinct who sees someone inadvertently hurt at their hands may have to check themselves before they get over the urge to avoid a possible repeat.

Tell him you won't break, and want to keep going.

(in reply to Justine45)

Post #: 2

RE: A scene goes wrong by accident...what next? - 7/22/2008 8:39:45 PM

SirMIkeSD

Posts: 613
Joined: 3/16/2007
From: San Diego, Ca
Status: offline

Some people take longer to get over mistakes then others, talk with him about it and see what he says. We all have had play go wrong in one way or the other and those that have not are not playing or not admitting it.

Mike

(in reply to Justine45)

Post #: 3

RE: A scene goes wrong by accident...what next? - 7/22/2008 8:53:19 PM

StrongSpirit

Posts: 575
Joined: 4/10/2005
Status: offline

I believe that in a healthy Dominant-Submissive relationship the Dominant should be more scared of hurting the Submissive than the sub is afraid of being hurt. I am sure he wants to play with you again.

But just as you have to trust him to take care of you, he has to trust himself. That trust, his own trust, has been lost. He has to earn his own trust back.

It will take some time, but it will happen.

< Message edited by StrongSpirit -- 7/22/2008 8:54:52 PM >

(in reply to SirMIkeSD)

Post #: 4

RE: A scene goes wrong by accident...what next? - 7/22/2008 9:01:24 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

Have you brought it up? "Let's play!" "I bought this great new paddle!"

Send him a video of you masturbating, and explain you thought of him doing X, Y and Z domly thing, and OMG you want him so so bad to do it for real.

See where I'm going with this?

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to StrongSpirit)

Post #: 5

RE: A scene goes wrong by accident...what next? - 7/22/2008 9:02:16 PM

InsaenPleasures

Posts: 49
Joined: 4/27/2008
Status: offline

As long as you are ok with playing again, I suggest getting on the horse again. I know that sounds cliche but something that is a true accident should not ruin someone's enjoyment of life. I would suggest that maybe you can suggest some minor playing until he gets his mojo back. Just little things to help him regain his confidence.

This is definitely a situation where the sub may need to exert a little push on the Dom for the sake of the relationship.

(in reply to StrongSpirit)

Post #: 6

RE: A scene goes wrong by accident...what next? - 7/22/2008 9:22:59 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

When we had something like that happen, we went back to very mild play from then on. It took a while to get back to normal.

Suggest that you two go to dinner and just make love. Once he sees you won't break, assuming your nose is no longer swollen or discolored, you should be able to ask him for something simple. A light spanking for example. And joke about chairs being out of the question from now on unless it's bolted to the floor.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to InsaenPleasures)

Post #: 7

RE: A scene goes wrong by accident...what next? - 7/22/2008 9:28:17 PM

Skully7000

Posts: 377
Joined: 7/22/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Alumbrado

Anybody with a strong protector instinct who sees someone inadvertently hurt at their hands may have to check themselves before they get over the urge to avoid a possible repeat.

Tell him you won't break, and want to keep going.

Wow these words hit home... yes that is exactly how I would feel (and have felt) when someone has put their trust in me and I have failed them... its a blow to your confidence(not your ego that bounces back far to easily..blow to the confidence shakes you at your core)

this is a perfect time when you as a submissive can help take care of your Dom.

Cheers
Skully

(in reply to Alumbrado)

Post #: 8

RE: A scene goes wrong by accident...what next? - 7/22/2008 9:56:02 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

He might just be gunshy- after a week it's time to bring out that old "fully honest and open communication" thing the kids are so crazy about these days.

That happened to me once BTW- my owner was tying me up, left me tilted on a chair for a moment when he grabbed behind him to get another piece of rope. Me- BOOM. Him? Laughing hysterically while clumsily picking me back up.

Remind him that relationship doesn't mean easy sailing all the time- going through these bumps together is what creates a strong bond between you both, to come out on the other side still happy. If you can't do that with one nose break, what does that say for the rest of things?

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Skully7000)

Post #: 9

RE: A scene goes wrong by accident...what next? - 7/22/2008 10:05:33 PM

Justine45

Posts: 7
Joined: 5/16/2008
Status: offline

Thanks so much for the replies. I still remember that awful, stricken look on his face when it happened - my nose wasn't broken and I didn't develop as much as a bruise afterwards, but it sure bled a lot for about three minutes. (Just as well he always sets up restraints on two layers of carpet!)

I"ll definitely incorporate everyone's ideas into our next chat.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 10

RE: A scene goes wrong by accident...what next? - 7/22/2008 11:09:37 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Justine45

Has the incident upset him to the point where he doesn't want to pursue any future D/s play with me?

Honestly, we can spout all we want, but in the end you have to ask HIM, not us.

If he's got a good sense of humor, you can offer to bash his nose to make him feel better. Tit for tat and all that. (HA! Rhymes!)

Master Fire

< Message edited by MasterFireMaam -- 7/22/2008 11:10:20 PM >

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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(in reply to Justine45)

Post #: 11

RE: A scene goes wrong by accident...what next? - 7/23/2008 5:14:00 AM

softness

Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline

Nods .. I think probably the best thing to do is sit down over a brew and just TALK ... make light of it .. because he is prolly feeling like a heel .. show him you wont break.. and want to get back on the horse

Shit happens in BDSM ... this is why being Risk Aware is more certain ground to be on than thinking you are Safe. Something could always go wrong ... just like the chair tipping over ... I got flogged right in the eye once ... silly me turning my head at *eaxctly* the wrong moment ... Tops and bottoms alike have to accept that there is always the possibility of genuine accidents, and unforseen mishaps.

_____________________________

proudly wearing the blue collar of consideration to DK Leather, Leatherdykeuk, and LeatherEagle of the UK KRueL Leather Family

veritas, respectus honorque in corio

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 12

RE: A scene goes wrong by accident...what next? - 7/23/2008 5:14:19 AM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

We do risky stuff, things happen, real people get over itl

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 13

RE: A scene goes wrong by accident...what next? - 7/23/2008 5:18:05 AM

BossyShoeBitch

Posts: 3931
Joined: 1/13/2007
From: South Florida
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

We do risky stuff, things happen, real people get over itl

Ditto..
However sometimes it takes the D more time than the s....

_____________________________

A clever man can get out of situations a wise man never gets into...
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 14

RE: A scene goes wrong by accident...what next? - 7/23/2008 5:37:10 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

Yep, things go wrong sometimes. But then life is like that. We had a week where things went wrong twice, both resulting in injuring me (not majorly). I was upset for a little while after the second one, but I have no doubt that he stepped back and took pause over it. If I can't accept that he is human and that mistakes happen, I shouldn't be doing this.

There are a couple of things he has done with me that I didn't respond well to (no injuries, though) and he never did them again. When I have asked him about them (because I wanted to try them again), he said he hadn't done them again because he wasn't out to traumatize me. He was surprised when I asked for another try on one of them (as for the other one - no thank you!!).

_____________________________

Good is the enemy of great.

(in reply to Justine45)

Post #: 15

RE: A scene goes wrong by accident...what next? - 7/23/2008 8:10:52 AM

kinkypuppy2

Posts: 345
Joined: 11/4/2007
Status: offline

sounds like a caring and considerate person looking out for your welfare

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See nic "Kinkypupper" also as "slvseeker" As I cannot reply to any posts or log into collarchat under that name I had to create this profile.

(in reply to Justine45)

Post #: 16

RE: A scene goes wrong by accident...what next? - 7/23/2008 8:40:07 AM

DomDolf

Posts: 363
Joined: 7/11/2008
Status: offline

It's been said in other words but I am a "put my two cents in" kind of guy if I see a little tilt on the same topic. So... As a Dominant in a scene where there has been anything I've miscalculated or misunderstood then I feel bad about it. If my submissive/bottom/partner had suffered for it I would feel horrible and if that partner is new to me I may want her to let me know in some way that she is okay and over it. I would be looking for an exuberant attitude toward play. The milder you look for the play to be after an accident the less over it I may think you are. So, if you are really fine with what happened and really trust this man then, as someone said, jump back on the saddle and ride sally ride. Don't be timid, be direct and assure him you are fine and ready to go again. Submissives do not need to be soft spoken about everything, just respectful.

This was a good topic. I'm glad you brought it up. These things actually do happen. Dominants aren't perfect and this is an excellent example. BIG ego buster but real.

Dolf

< Message edited by DomDolf -- 7/23/2008 8:42:31 AM >

(in reply to kinkypuppy2)

Post #: 17

RE: A scene goes wrong by accident...what next? - 7/23/2008 10:41:58 AM

SweetNika

Posts: 955
Joined: 4/19/2008
From: Forest Hills, Maryland
Status: offline

Risk is a huge part of certain play and when something does happen, most doms I know take it very personally and feel ultimately responsible. That is huge cross to bear at times and at times one hard to get past. I would suggest talking about what happened, then letting it go.Taking it as a lesson not a mistake (because I think you both have learned something) and move on.

_____________________________

Blessed be,
Nika

(in reply to uninterested5)

Post #: 18

RE: A scene goes wrong by accident...what next? - 7/23/2008 10:49:05 AM

lovingpet

Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline

As an echo, things happen and we move on, one way or another. That being said, a person who takes the responsibility of being a dominant very seriously is going to fall hard when such things happen at their hand. Even a bad, unforseen case of subdrop can leave doubt and questions about whether he/she is worthy of the trust given to them. He will soul search for a bit and you will be bouncy and ready to play, and eventually the bounciness will be contagious. Time and positive attitude from you will lead to his recovery from this incident. Have fun... and for goodness sakes be safe... giggles!

Wishes,
lovingpet

(in reply to SweetNika)

Post #: 19

RE: A scene goes wrong by accident...what next? - 7/23/2008 11:16:06 AM

cillydom

Posts: 332
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline

perhaps you didnt apoligize profusely enough for ruining the scene

(in reply to Justine45)

Post #: 20

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