Moving past anger and heartbreaks

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CorsetMinx -> Moving past anger and heartbreaks (7/22/2008 11:41:00 PM)
I can't stand it. I'm so f_cking mad I just want to scream. If my ex-dom (my first dom ever) were standing here in front of me I'd belt him. Again. Yup, that's right, I'm admitting to the forum that I hit him when he broke up with me (flame all you want, I'm just trying to be honest here). I'm not saying I just gave him a slap or a punch, but multiple punches with all the force I could put behind them, whilst hurling any hurtful insult at him I could, wishing him pain to equal that which I was in when he decided one day, after an "epiphany" that we were over. No discussion, no real communication, just like that, one day on, one day off. (NOTE: this was 2 months ago) I'm sure when I did so I committed the ultimate transgression in his eyes, and completely knocked myself out any potential reunion possibility. I'm sure what he longed for was a girl that would have fallen down sobbing and begging at his feet. And, yes, I was ready to do that, even through til yesterday, but not now. Instead I belted him, just as I feel like would probably do again, were he here. Then I was confused and hurt and for once in my life feeling strong enough to show how much I hurt and allow the anger to be expressed (which I've never done before in my life EVER - I was raised to be the "good girl" who never allowed her emotions to be fully expressed), but now I'm mad. I'm mad enough to spit venom and I hate it. I hate feeling so utterly stripped of what respect I had for both him and myself and for the relationship I thought was being built initially. The pure hypocrisy, from his own words, I've since discovered about who this man portrayed himself to be with me and all he left unsaid, has left me feeling like I was misled & lied to from the very beginning. Just like that initial night, I feel like I'm the one who's been punched in the stomach and it fills my throat with bile. Since entering the bdsm lifestyle this year and talking to other subs/slaves, I've heard so many horror stories of mistreatment, liars, posers, egomaniacs and downright callous and cruel individuals who didn't care who they hurt or how much. But after the break I kept thinking to myself, "No, he's still a good man. He didn't lie to me, we just had some communication issues we need to solve". And the oldie but goodie, "He's hurt and scared inside from his past, just like you, and simply needs to be loved and shown how truly you care". I held onto these childlike notions not just to keep believing in him, but to keep believing in myself & my own intuition/judgement. I couldn't face the idea that I had been so completely and utterly bamboozled by someone, and that I allowed my own emotional ties to become so strong to a man I barely knew that I ignored every red flag that came up. Again and again. I don't want to get into our full sob story and what transpired the last night we spoke when I hit him, suffice to say that I still don't feel personally apologetic towards him for the physical violence (I'm definitely too mad at this point), but I do feel sad and sorry that I haven't progressed in my own spiritual journey enough to be past becoming angry and having let it out in such an unproductive fashion. I have never believed in physical violence and am still somewhat shocked that I ever did it. Who knows what demons lurk inside us, unless they're provoked? What I do want to throw out there to all the other subs/slaves who have lived through betrayal, hypocrisy and abuse from a Dom, is this: How did you move forward and let go of the pain, the confusion, the anger? And how did you get over still feeling emotionally attached/in love with the person who hurt you? Finally, how long did it take you to trust a man/Dom again - or to trust yourself and your own judgement/intuition?

julietsierra -> RE: Moving past anger and heartbreaks (7/23/2008 12:58:10 AM)
Y'know... I WANT to be sympathetic. I really do. But ... you HIT him? You HIT him? This isn't submissive me talking. This is the woman who spent way too many years of her life being abused by someone who thought HE had the right to hit me because of HIS pain. You HIT him?! I've read and re-read your post and while I suppose he was callous, I don't see (at least in your post) where he abused you. I just don't. Just because your feelings are hurt does not mean he abused you. Just because he decided he didn't want you does not mean you were abused. And yes, perhaps he was playing with your affections, but damn it all, YOU made the decision to look past what had already gone on in your relationship to try again. YOU DID. And because you made a mistake in making the decision you did, it was ok to HIT HIM?! The only ONLY abuse I see is female to male - NOT the other way around. Yea yea... you're probably going to get loads of sympathy about that mean old dominant and how he done you wrong, but all I see is someone who thinks it's just fine for her to lay her hands on someone in anger just to prove a point - and for the life of me, I can't see the difference between you and the man I should have jailed if not for the effects on his children. This ain't the movies and women don't have that right any more than men do, and the hypocrisy of a woman coming on here looking for sympathy because some bad guy of a dominant dumped her and opening with the fact that she abused him (and wow, shouldn't we just be so proud for her because she is expressing her anger!) because of it is much more phenomenal than the fact that he actually dumped her. The only abuse and hypocrisy I see is in the woman. Did he take advantage of you? Probably. Did he hurt you - oh, most definitely. And yes, there are a lot of people who will do that to you out there. But you knew some things walking in the second time and CHOSE to ignore them. You CHOSE to manufacture a whole set of "could be" excuses to convince yourself that this time, it'd be ok. And you found out it wasn't. So what. So maybe the person you should be mad at ISN'T him, but YOU. So, how do you move past all this? Well, first of all, I'd get some help for that anger issue you've got going on. I understand the feelings of anger. I don't understand the willingness to hit someone just to prove, or worse yet, to try to ease that anger. (And by the way, saying you've always been the "good girl" and that this is the first time you've ever shown your anger is NOT something to be proud of. It does NOT excuse your behavior as something that has happened for the better in your life.) So the first step is to acknowledge that you don't know how to deal with anger in a reasonable fashion and get some help. Second, you pause and feel the hurt. This is not a bad thing. You can't run from it, so take some time, feel it, be patient with yourself and be good to yourself. And by all means, don't get involved with someone again until you've figured out how to be in control of yourself so that you can express anger without being abusive. Find things to do to stay busy. Learn to appreciate yourself. Learn to trust in yourself. Learn to CONTROL yourself - seriously. You can't cede to someone what you don't have. So get control of yourself so that the next time someone breaks up with you, you can handle things in a way that aren't abusive and frankly, are more "adult." As far as how long it takes to trust someone - to trust yourself... I have no idea. That's something different for each person. But right now, I'd venture to say that getting into another relationship should be just about last on your list of things to do and getting yourself taken care of should be first. As you become healthier, you'll find that the trust in yourself will come. So no, flame or not, you don't get a buy on your behavior simply because you're a woman. Abuse is abuse and while you may think you've been abused, all I see is the abuser, and SHE needs help. juliet

ownedgirlie -> RE: Moving past anger and heartbreaks (7/23/2008 1:08:03 AM)
In all serious, I suggest therapy. For the anger issues, the healing issues, and the recovery issues.

opposingtwilight -> RE: Moving past anger and heartbreaks (7/23/2008 1:14:33 AM)
Alright lets take a breather here, people. She hit him once. When they broke up. It isn't as if she's confessed to putting someone through days, weeks, months or years of abuse. She hit him one time. I'm not saying it was ok for her to do it but really ... Be mellow. OP, "belting" someone is not OK. That part kinda bugged me too. I mean, the fact that you kept coming back to it, as if you were proud of it. I know that its made to look as if its ok for a woman to lash out at a man when she's angry but its really not. I think you'll find most people will go off the deep end on you over that. As for "getting over it", you just have to take responsibility for your own emotions. Own them. Experience them. And then let them go. Don't wallow in it and don't lash out. Self-control. :) You'll be alright.

julietsierra -> RE: Moving past anger and heartbreaks (7/23/2008 1:27:52 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: opposingtwilight Alright lets take a breather here, people. She hit him once. When they broke up. It isn't as if she's confessed to putting someone through days, weeks, months or years of abuse. She hit him one time. I'm not saying it was ok for her to do it but really ... Be mellow. OP, "belting" someone is not OK. That part kinda bugged me too. I mean, the fact that you kept coming back to it, as if you were proud of it. I know that its made to look as if its ok for a woman to lash out at a man when she's angry but its really not. I think you'll find most people will go off the deep end on you over that. As for "getting over it", you just have to take responsibility for your own emotions. Own them. Experience them. And then let them go. Don't wallow in it and don't lash out. Self-control. :) You'll be alright. You know... if a man admitted to hitting a woman "...once... when they broke up," there'd be no end to the recriminations heaped on him for his actions. I see no reason to "be mellow" because a woman has done this to a man. Tell me, where is the line between "being mellow" and abuse? How many times does someone need to be hit before it changes from a reaction to breaking up to abuse? Is it once? twice? Just how many times should someone be hit before they call a spade a spade and name it "abuse?" She says in her profile that she's 5'7 and a strong woman. The post she wrote says she hit him in a series of "multiple punches with all the force I could put behind them." And we should just "be mellow?" I don't care if it's once or for years. It is NOT ok to hit someone because you're mad at them. Hitting someone is NOT a healthy expression of anger. And I SERIOUSLY doubt that he was consenting to the process. And THAT... is the definition of abuse - the non-consensual aspect of it all. Being hurt because of a break up is one thing. Hitting someone over it is quite another. And for an interesting little look at the person, check out the blog attached to her profile. The range of emotions over a very short period of time on the day of this post is pretty amazing. The range of emotions over the period of ONE HOUR (between her last blog and her post here) is amazing. Her profile admits that she's lived her life in some sort of silence - I presume, perhaps erroneously, it was how her family was structured. She talks about wanting to find someone who knows how to communicate. The willingness to hit in anger is a reaction of someone who has no clue how to communicate. The fact that she chose to hit is something that she needs to address - BEFORE she gets involved with someone else. Diminishing her choice to hit to something inconsequential doesn't change the fact that she felt it was ok to do so. I am never "mellow" with abusers, so "be mellow" doesn't really work. She needs help. juliet

ownedgirlie -> RE: Moving past anger and heartbreaks (7/23/2008 1:43:56 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: opposingtwilight Alright lets take a breather here, people. She hit him once. When they broke up. It isn't as if she's confessed to putting someone through days, weeks, months or years of abuse. She hit him one time. I'm not saying it was ok for her to do it but really ... Be mellow. I suggested what I did because of my personal experiences. The attrocities my ex husband committed against me are unforgiveable, and I had to work very hard in therapy to get over how angry I was, how hurt I was, and to be able to move forward. CorsetMinx says she is so fucking mad she wants to scream. She's mad enough to spit venom, she said, and she hates it. I know what it is to be so angry and in my case that anger could have gotten the best of me and turned me into a bitter old woman. She asked for advice in getting over pain, confusion, anger and emotional attachment, and how to trust again. I gave her the answer that worked for me - therapy. Not sure why that needs a breather.

julietsierra -> RE: Moving past anger and heartbreaks (7/23/2008 1:49:03 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie quote: ORIGINAL: opposingtwilight Alright lets take a breather here, people. She hit him once. When they broke up. It isn't as if she's confessed to putting someone through days, weeks, months or years of abuse. She hit him one time. I'm not saying it was ok for her to do it but really ... Be mellow. I suggested what I did because of my personal experiences. The attrocities my ex husband committed against me are unforgiveable, and I had to work very hard in therapy to get over how angry I was, how hurt I was, and to be able to move forward. CorsetMinx says she is so fucking mad she wants to scream. She's mad enough to spit venom, she said, and she hates it. I know what it is to be so angry and in my case that anger could have gotten the best of me and turned me into a bitter old woman. She asked for advice in getting over pain, confusion, anger and emotional attachment, and how to trust again. I gave her the answer that worked for me - therapy. Not sure why that needs a breather. I'm thinking the advice to "take a breather" probably should have been issued BEFORE she hit. And yep ownedgirlie... therepy is probably the best idea. She's got a lot more than just a breakup to deal with. juliet

darliinn -> RE: Moving past anger and heartbreaks (7/23/2008 1:54:36 AM)
I won't comment on the hitting..but I do know how you feel..I think the emotions bubbling around inside from the original sudden ending.. built and then whatever sparked the moment when you lashed out would have been very intense and painful and you released everything at once. Been there done that.. I didn't hit him when the same thing happened to me ( 2 months later as well)..as at that time we were in different countries.. but I know had I been near enough I probably would have thrown the closest thing I could lay my hands on .. as hard as I could. As for how to move on and get over it... talk...to your friends ( who are probably quite worried about you if you have been bottling things up)..then talk more. As said.. keep busy..really busy..don't dwell on who did or said what.. that really won't help at all. Make sure you look after you.. eat properly.. walk...take up tai-chi or yoga..anything to try and help you get through the feelings ...then talk some more.. stay away from booze and drugs... they won't help either. Don't blame yourself for things that you think you should have seen.. you didn't, so don't get into the habit of thinking ...what if? talk some more....get a puppy ..a kitten..go out and volunteer..take a class in something did I mention talk to someone? No matter how much it hurts... it's done and dusted...you can't go back and change things. write...pour it all out on paper.. then start again till it starts to hurt less everyone heals emotionally a different pace "How did you move forward and let go of the pain, the confusion, the anger?" see above "And how did you get over still feeling emotionally attached/in love with the person who hurt you?" not sure if I ever will..but it sure as hell doesn't hurt like it used to..as they say time heals "Finally, how long did it take you to trust a man/Dom again - or to trust yourself and your own judgement/intuition?" I never lost my trust in men due to one man..I lost a lot of faith in myself I would doubt very much I will ever get involved again..but that is my choice at this time in my life.. I never set anything in concrete I wish you all the best hun and hope that the pain lessons day by day

edgeofdavid -> RE: Moving past anger and heartbreaks (7/23/2008 2:32:35 AM)
I detest the saying "let it go." However, dwelling on negative emotions will unltimately give you the same result. As for what you did, it's not my place to judge. As for your former Dominant and Lover hitting Him hurt Him emotionally, regardless of whether or not he admits it. It sounds like there IS a severe lack of communication. Be honest with yourself and find someone close to share your feelings with. Be active, and social in your daily life. If you find you still feel and think about these things a therapist is a perfectly reasonable solution. If you do choose therapy be patient and find someone you like. One day when you don't feel so strongly about what happened, apologizing to Him would be a big step in moving on with your life. Obviously you see something wrong with your reaction, otherwise you wouldn't have mentioned hitting Him. How He chooses to react to any and all of this is His choice and you have absolutely no control of it. Not because He's a Dominant, it's just a fact of life. Personally, i prefer Stienbeck. I know, weird, but i can only speak for myself. Few things help me come back to a healthy perspective like being reminded good people have the capacity to be bad, and bad people have the capacity to be good. In short, we're all human. His writings tend to play on that a lot. He can also be quite depressing, though, just a heads up. Good luck and be well. -david

edgeofdavid -> RE: Moving past anger and heartbreaks (7/23/2008 2:36:59 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: darliinn talk some more....get a puppy ..a kitten..go out and volunteer..take a class in something did I mention talk to someone? No matter how much it hurts... it's done and dusted...you can't go back and change things. write...pour it all out on paper.. then start again till it starts to hurt less everyone heals emotionally a different pace Wonderful advice, puppies are awesome. [:D] -david

softness -> RE: Moving past anger and heartbreaks (7/23/2008 3:27:36 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CorsetMinx Who knows what demons lurk inside us, unless they're provoked? How did you move forward and let go of the pain, the confusion, the anger? And how did you get over still feeling emotionally attached/in love with the person who hurt you? Finally, how long did it take you to trust a man/Dom again - or to trust yourself and your own judgement/intuition? I have a good idea of my demons, and thankfully I have a good hold on them. Oddly I found taking a beating stemmed my desire to let rip onto humanity. I have a vile temper and I am filed with quite nasty desires to inflict my own hurt onto others in a physical way. That part of me is frightening and I have only very rarely ever let that particular demon out to play when not in a scene. I used to do it playing rugby .. and that resulted in people feeling uneasy to play against me because of what I would do under the red mist. I am not proud of some of the things I did then, I could easily have caused someone seriously long term damage. I got royally fucked over by a man I loved and trusted. Not only physically abused, but emotionally abandonned, lied to, and defiled. In none of the nice ways. What that guy did instantly killed any positive feelings I had for him... I never loved him after that day. For a long time I was numb, or scared, or just broken. Dealing with still loving him was not an issue. It took me a long while to actually put real trust and faith in a male Dom after that. I played casually with guys, but never anything heavy or serious ... am talking slap and tickle ... I was very cautious about my own judgement with it being proved wrong so spectacularly. DV and I really hit a wall around March time because I just refused to accept I could trust my judgement about Him. Until I got around that He and I couldn't move forward because it was causing me to resist rather than submit to Him. There isn't a time limit, but it wont just happen either. Forgiveness of some kind has to happen .. of yourself if not of him. Forgiveness is something active not passive. Sitting around watiing for the wound to heal on its own will cause it to fester. Give it some nursing and have done with the thing. and p.s. with regard to hitting him .... I know full well that one day something will snap inside me and I will simply chin DV. We have already discussed this, in fact it was Him that predicted it. Now if I am as good as I used to be .. that will take Him to His knees ... which should give me exactly enough time to get out the front door ... and I really had better pray that Stephann and charlotteS left their back door unlocked ... because DVwill be after me with all the furies and that punch signifies the start of 24hrs where all bets are off ... am thinking charlotte would kinda enjoy playing human sheid for me.

thishereboi -> RE: Moving past anger and heartbreaks (7/23/2008 4:48:34 AM)
I would have to agree with the other posters and suggest you go see someone about your anger isssues. There is supposed to be a point where you grow past the need to physically punch someone out. The fact that you say you would do it again if he were in range tells me a lot.

seababy -> RE: Moving past anger and heartbreaks (7/23/2008 5:25:22 AM)
"Hitting" sounds so tame . The actual description on your post sounds like you beat him up, using your fists with all your force over and over. Did he hit back? Or did he take the damage to his body knowing that even one punch in self-defence would break that hitting a woman taboo? It disturbs me that you have no remorse. You say that if he was standing in front of you you would hurt him physically again. Its not just women that can become victims of domestic violence. I'm sorry he didn't end up being all that into you, (maybe he thought you had hidden anger issues?) Next time grab a pillow and punch that. I can't make exceptions to this post because it was made by a women. Using violence and threats against another person because the world isn't mirroring your expectations is morally reprehensible. I sincerely wish you well in your healing. Get therapy because your rage will destroy you and the people you love.

Dnomyar -> RE: Moving past anger and heartbreaks (7/23/2008 5:30:22 AM)
Op the guy at least told you to your face that it was over. I have done that and have had it done to me. Get over it. It happens. As far as the punching goes if you had done that to me I would have floored you. If someone hits me they are going to get hit back.

CelticPrince -> RE: Moving past anger and heartbreaks (7/23/2008 6:15:29 AM)
quote: I can't stand it. I'm so f_cking mad I just want to scream. If my ex-dom (my first dom ever) were standing here in front of me I'd belt him. Again. Yup, that's right, I'm admitting to the forum that I hit him when he broke up with me (flame all you want, I'm just trying to be honest here). I'm not saying I just gave him a slap or a punch, but multiple punches with all the force I could put behind them, whilst hurling any hurtful insult at him I could, wishing him pain to equal that which I was in when he decided one day, after an "epiphany" that we were over. No discussion, no real communication, just like that, one day on, one day off. (NOTE: this was 2 months ago) I'm sure when I did so I committed the ultimate transgression in his eyes, and completely knocked myself out any potential reunion possibility. I'm sure what he longed for was a girl that would have fallen down sobbing and begging at his feet. And, yes, I was ready to do that, even through til yesterday, but not now. Instead I belted him, just as I feel like would probably do again, were he here. Then I was confused and hurt and for once in my life feeling strong enough to show how much I hurt and allow the anger to be expressed (which I've never done before in my life EVER - I was raised to be the "good girl" who never allowed her emotions to be fully expressed), but now I'm mad. I'm mad enough to spit venom and I hate it. I hate feeling so utterly stripped of what respect I had for both him and myself and for the relationship I thought was being built initially. The pure hypocrisy, from his own words, I've since discovered about who this man portrayed himself to be with me and all he left unsaid, has left me feeling like I was misled & lied to from the very beginning. Just like that initial night, I feel like I'm the one who's been punched in the stomach and it fills my throat with bile. Since entering the bdsm lifestyle this year and talking to other subs/slaves, I've heard so many horror stories of mistreatment, liars, posers, egomaniacs and downright callous and cruel individuals who didn't care who they hurt or how much. But after the break I kept thinking to myself, "No, he's still a good man. He didn't lie to me, we just had some communication issues we need to solve". And the oldie but goodie, "He's hurt and scared inside from his past, just like you, and simply needs to be loved and shown how truly you care". I held onto these childlike notions not just to keep believing in him, but to keep believing in myself & my own intuition/judgement. I couldn't face the idea that I had been so completely and utterly bamboozled by someone, and that I allowed my own emotional ties to become so strong to a man I barely knew that I ignored every red flag that came up. Again and again. I don't want to get into our full sob story and what transpired the last night we spoke when I hit him, suffice to say that I still don't feel personally apologetic towards him for the physical violence (I'm definitely too mad at this point), but I do feel sad and sorry that I haven't progressed in my own spiritual journey enough to be past becoming angry and having let it out in such an unproductive fashion. I have never believed in physical violence and am still somewhat shocked that I ever did it. Who knows what demons lurk inside us, unless they're provoked? What I do want to throw out there to all the other subs/slaves who have lived through betrayal, hypocrisy and abuse from a Dom, is this: How did you move forward and let go of the pain, the confusion, the anger? And how did you get over still feeling emotionally attached/in love with the person who hurt you? Finally, how long did it take you to trust a man/Dom again - or to trust yourself and your own judgement/intuition? </image/block.gif> </image/profile.gif> Profile [Send Private Message] Minx Phew! In attempting to stay neutral in this thread I find it hard to do when you present only one side of the story. Might you be a member of RASP? Although it sounds like I am drawing on generalities here I am not I am just reflecting on the facts presented as one sided as they are. I have had three redheads in my life and the commonality of their personal traits suggest that it take a certain style of male ergo Dominant. Within most redheads lies a certain truculence in dealing with interpersonal conflicts. Did your dominant perhaps get tired of dealing with yours? The very fact that you resorted to hitting him suggests that he recognized you were both wasting your time and it was better to end it. Thus methinks he did you as well as himself a big service. CP

opposingtwilight -> RE: Moving past anger and heartbreaks (7/23/2008 6:18:09 AM)
Fast Reply I still think people are blowing it out of proportion -if- she only hit him one time. I'm NOT saying it was OK or acceptable behaviour so please don't twist my words around on me just because I disagree with your point of view. Therapy doesn't work for everyone. And when it comes right down to it, she still needs to accept responsibility and assume some control over herself and her emotions if she plans to move past ANY of this. Its ok to feel what you feel but you're still reponsible for how you choose to act upon it. I may -feel- like decking someone but that doesn't mean I have to run out and go do it. As for hitting her back; well, I'm back and forth on that issue. I don't think its ok for a man to "floor" a woman because she hits him once. I do think its ok for him to defend himself if necessary but to just haul off and knock her silly because she lifted a hand to you ... How does that make you any better or any more in control of yourself or the situation?

opposingtwilight -> RE: Moving past anger and heartbreaks (7/23/2008 6:22:32 AM)
OK actually ... As for the "hitting him once" comments I've been standing behind ... Nevermind. It was late and I was heavily medicated when I read the OP. I missed the part about multiple strikes and heavy force. I apologize. Lady, you don't need a strong hand. You need help. I stand behind the rest of what I said though. (If that makes sense .. I don't know.) I probably shouldn't try to post when I'm drugged. -ahem- Sorry.

DarkSteven -> RE: Moving past anger and heartbreaks (7/23/2008 6:26:54 AM)
In addition to the anger issues, you also need to work on communication. You state that there was no discussion about issues, and clearly blame that on him. Unless you're mute, there are two people in a relationship. He stated that it was over, and then said nothing else? Perhaps because you were beating the shit out of him at the time? And two months after you beat the shit out of him, you're still angry at him?

CruelDesires -> RE: Moving past anger and heartbreaks (7/23/2008 7:52:58 AM)
I do not see "what it is that we do" as an exchange of power. I see it as an exercise in control. And the exchange of it. You admit that you lost it and no longer have it. Did you ever have it? CD

CorsetMinx -> RE: Moving past anger and heartbreaks (7/23/2008 7:54:59 AM)
I should have expected all that came back. I wrote last night because things came to light that floored me. I have been dealing with the break over the last 2 months and making progress, but last night after learning some things about this person I was simply taken aback and in total shock. That's adressed to the lovely person who seems to think me unbalanced because I happen to post about different issues that affect me, both positively and negatively, in a short period of time. I'm also a writer, so I often chose to write to express the feelings that come up - that's for all of you who think that I'm also uncommunicative. I've begun writing here on CM to be honest in my journey and with my feelings as they come. I am facing my issues with anger, communication, dealing with pain - and accept my equal responsibility in the relationship I thought I had and my part of what went wrong - I did say that I'd willingly ignored many red flags and that was my own mistake being an absolute beginner to bdsm when we started, and afraid to speak up being the sub in the D/s dynamic. I didn't post looking to be treated as a victim. As I stated at the beginning, I was opening up about hitting him to be honest about it, no matter what flames were to come, (and wow, there were doosies!) and to deal with that same feeling that had come over me last night. By just writing it and sharing it, I let it out. When I was done, I did not feel as strongly, but that's why I write, to release. I posted not just to hear from others, but to be honest with myself and others and release the feelings that so quickly hit me when I made my discoveries last night. To read some of the replies, people seem to see the 'hitting' part and nothing else. Well, that's fine. I still accept the fact that I can't control how other people think or react. I speak passionately and off the cuff, that's just me. There's so much more to it than this little piece, and I was simply writing it to be honest and to let go of it. To those who had their own initial knee jerk reactions to my post, that's fine, you're also entitled to your own thoughts and opinions, I hold no malice to you for them. To the one person who mentioned needing to forgive, I think you're right. I think that is going to be key for me. This is the point I wish I was at now, but am sad to say I'm not. I'm trying though, and some days are better than others. I have many things going on in my life and I am happy with it. If someone condemns me for this post so be it. I'm not afraid to be honest any more and will continue to do so.

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