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having the kit ... but it still being shit - 7/23/2008 6:24:38 AM   
softness


Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline 		I went to a new local(ish) club last weekend for the opening night, they were giving away free life membership .. so it was a busy night ... it was a very broad event there were serious players I know from the local scene .. and people just dressed up enjoying the view - and everyone in between. It was good fun .. and they helpfully left out trays of chocolate truffles to guard against sub-drop (which I seemed to suffer from every time I walked past one of said trays)

Anyway ... from my position under the table I was able to watch the room fairly undisturbed and banter with my Minder for the evening ... now we had planned to play and so we were flirting and gaming up .. a lengthy game of hunt the peanut .. we were teasing and playing and generally just getting into the headspace. Fantastic. Lots of tension in the air ... all that jazz.
Sharing a booth with us were a couple .. mid 40s ... Him in leathers carrying a crop  .. her in stockings and a corset and heels ... collar ... leash .. the usual uniform right? They just sat there .. her on the floor .. him in the chair no eye contact .. no communication .. no energy between them .. nothing .. nada .. zip. I have seen more intimacy and interaction between two people forced together on the london underground. It also wasn't a situation of restricted contact .. it was just disinterested. Funny I thought ... but hey .. whatever .. and went back to trying to pick up peanuts with no hands .. and not smudging my lipstick against Minder's leathers (harder said than done especially when she moves on purpose to smudge it)

Later .. Waiting for a piece of kit to get set up for us in the Dungeon me and Minder watched this couple (male sub/Domme) playing. Again. both dressed up in the uniform, she had a flogger and a paddle and a whip all bought from the same shop (I know because I have the same paddle). She delivered the most half hearted, disinterested "beating" I have ever watched. The blows were barely connecting .. and I could hear that there weren't hard when they did connect. She wasn't watching her boy .. she wasn't feeding off him, exchanging any energy from him ... there was nothing going on for her in that moment, you could just tell. He was obviously feeling the same .. while we watched he even gave up the half hearted fake yelping. Eventually she got really bored, uncuffed him and walked away . and he just followed. No energy .. no kiss ... no tension or electricity between them at all. I would have thought further on it at the time but I was being dragged across the room by my hair.

Now thinking back there are countless examples of exactly that listless type of dynamic everytime I play in public, and often in the couples I meet out and about at munches. The going through the motions couples. The just wants something, anything, about life to be interesting and exciting. I am not one of these moronic purists who worries about the lifestyle being diluted. I couldn't give a crap how many people there are who are serious, or heavy or whatever .. or how many just want to dress up, call their boyfriend "Master" and feel all cool and edgy. What they do doesn't change what I am and what I do at all. More power to them if that is what makes them happy. Thats how I started out, plenty of room for us all, and they bring the entry fee down.

But what about the people who are CLEARLY not happy. Who are simply going through the motions. The two couples I mentioned will have had to make a fair old effort to get to that club, they paid money on the outfits, kit, entry fee, petrol, drinks, food ... and yet I have never seen two people look less stimulated .. and I have volunteered on coma wards.

So my question ... Why do these people continue to participate? ... because it cannot be living up to their expectations .. what is in it for them?

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RE: having the kit ... but it still being shit - 7/23/2008 6:32:50 AM   
Asmodeus


Posts: 81
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Maybe it just gets them out of the house?

When I'm DMing at clubs and I see people that aren't looking like they are enjoying themselves I'll start chatting with them and try to get them to relax and have fun (presuming I'm not interrupting an activity).  Usually the interaction can get them started.  Many people playing in public for the first few times feel out of place and uncomfortable; breaking the ice with them often helps.

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RE: having the kit ... but it still being shit - 7/23/2008 6:39:33 AM   
sambamanslilgirl


Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline 		you basically described the last fetish party my bf and i attended.  it was one of Mistress Xena's Naughty Playground parties in which there was plenty of room for public play upstairs however no one (except us) was playing. mostly everyone was walking around showing off their fetish wear or dancing to the industrial/goth music ...we tried having a conversation with some of the couples - they simply ignored us. so we had our own fun (hence the new photo).

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RE: having the kit ... but it still being shit - 7/23/2008 6:39:50 AM   
softness


Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline 		Yes I agree .. often that is a way .. but it wasn't that kind of nervous energy ... it was pure unadulterated boredom .. it was rolling off them in waves ...  which is really sad because they had everything they needed to be having a grand old time

I get more excited about the ironing than they looked about being in a brand new club on opening night ... seemed odd to me



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RE: having the kit ... but it still being shit - 7/23/2008 6:50:44 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		Maybe they just didn't like the vibe of the club - but tried anyway?   Maybe they had fallen out just before hand?  I don't know.  People still feel they have to attend if they made some sort of commitment to going, even if they don't want to.
 
Other than that, I don't know.  Sometimes people try to get into the swing of things and think it might make the evening better if they do.  Maybe they are at the end of their relationship and just going thrugh the motions.  There are o many scenarios it could be, I wouldn't worry about second guessing.  Unless it spoilt your evening, it could have been just 'one of those things'.
 
the.dark.

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RE: having the kit ... but it still being shit - 7/23/2008 6:52:20 AM   
Asmodeus


Posts: 81
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sambamanslilgirl

mostly everyone was walking around showing off their fetish wear or dancing to the industrial/goth music


I think that's part of the issue; there are plenty of people who attend these things who are looking to make a fashion statement and aren't really into the scene itself.  I generally refer to them as the "look at me" crowd.  Unless they can be the center of attention they affect that "i'm so bored by this all" presentation to show the crowd how hip and worldly they are. 

These folks generally show up at the mixed dance/club/lifestyle events; not at the strictly BDSM parties.  I was involved recently in hosting a BDSM afterparty for a big club scene fetish event and at least a third of the 150 or so people that showed up between 2 & 3 AM after the big party were way out of their element, and, in most cases, didn't realize it.

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RE: having the kit ... but it still being shit - 7/23/2008 6:58:24 AM   
softness


Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline 		dark .. you prolly right hun .. it just always strikes a note with me ... I *LOVE* events like that .. even If i dont dress up or get play .. I love the energy there .. I get swept up in the atmosphere ... I love the watching people .. otherwise what would be the point

I skip around with almost child like delight ... like a puppy at a BBQ with 100 new things to see and make friends with ... I feel for people who are not able to do the same .. must feel like a total waste of make up

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RE: having the kit ... but it still being shit - 7/23/2008 6:59:40 AM   
eyesopened


Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline 		Since you were sharing a booth with this couple, did you or your Minder strike up a conversation?  Talk with them or act friendly?

I can easily see an senario where I might go with an acquaintace.  For example:  I know a guy who is a Dominant but not MY Dominant.  We are friends, not play partners.  Neither of us wants to go to a Dungeon alone, we want to see and be seen but there's no chemistry between us.  In that senario, we might even attempt a scene, just to try to fit in a bit.  They may have felt out of place.   I have never played in public in my life.  I can totally imagine feeling out of place, not able to express myself with the same passion I would have in private.

Without knowing the couple, their dynamic or lack thereof, it's totally impossible to know what was going on between them. 


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RE: having the kit ... but it still being shit - 7/23/2008 7:00:29 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Asmodeus
I think that's part of the issue; there are plenty of people who attend these things who are looking to make a fashion statement and aren't really into the scene itself.  I generally refer to them as the "look at me" crowd.  Unless they can be the center of attention they affect that "i'm so bored by this all" presentation to show the crowd how hip and worldly they are. 

These folks generally show up at the mixed dance/club/lifestyle events; not at the strictly BDSM parties.  I was involved recently in hosting a BDSM afterparty for a big club scene fetish event and at least a third of the 150 or so people that showed up between 2 & 3 AM after the big party were way out of their element, and, in most cases, didn't realize it.


I don't see anything wrong with people who do this.  For some, they get off on it.  It's their thing - even the fetish.  So what?  I am quite happy to indulge someones fetish in that sense.  In all honesty, we all know the clubs and groups people turn up to 'be' noticed at and the events that are more for the scening.  Doesn't make them less BDSMers just because they might scene in private, but want to watch a scene taking place.  Voyeurism, exhibitionism etc all abound and aren't lesser evils.  If people want to watch Darcy crack a cane over my arse, sobeit.  Maybe they are learning from it.  Maybe they are getting off on it.  Either way they are still participating, contributing to the upkeep and keeping the place buzzing, evn if all they are doing is standing around - having a drink and looking pretty(or not so pretty in some cases).
 
the.dark.

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RE: having the kit ... but it still being shit - 7/23/2008 7:07:20 AM   
softness


Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: eyesopened

Since you were sharing a booth with this couple, did you or your Minder strike up a conversation?  Talk with them or act friendly?



I actually did try and strike up a conversation with the women ... but she gave me the *filthiest* look .. like honestly it almost took my skin off. Minder did chat to the guy ... but he was totally trying to hit on her, which would explain why I was then treated to a further filthy looks from the woman.

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RE: having the kit ... but it still being shit - 7/23/2008 7:07:41 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: softness

dark .. you prolly right hun .. it just always strikes a note with me ... I *LOVE* events like that .. even If i dont dress up or get play .. I love the energy there .. I get swept up in the atmosphere ... I love the watching people .. otherwise what would be the point

I skip around with almost child like delight ... like a puppy at a BBQ with 100 new things to see and make friends with ... I feel for people who are not able to do the same .. must feel like a total waste of make up


I sometimes get so swept up in the looking I end up not doing.  I am a people watcher too, I am a total voyeur and yes it does sadden me when you get that 'empty' vibe... I wouldn;t even call it 'negative', just empty - but I tend to give people the benefit and assume there may be a really good reason behind it and try and look beyond it.  Unless they shift their emptiness onto me, then that is sucky and I will tell them so.  Sofar, that has never happened - we always end up with people coming up to us and just chatting away - or asking questions.
 
And honestly for me, if my mascara hasn't smudged or run, and my lippy is still on by the end of the evening, I would give up there and then.
 
the.dark.

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RE: having the kit ... but it still being shit - 7/23/2008 7:09:26 AM   
softness


Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

And honestly for me, if my mascara hasn't smudged or run, and my lippy is still on by the end of the evening, I would give up there and then.
 
the.dark.

 
nodsnods .. nothing worse than getting home without a couple of runs in your stockings and your bra on inside out *grins*

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RE: having the kit ... but it still being shit - 7/23/2008 7:09:52 AM   
Asmodeus


Posts: 81
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		I'm not saying there is anything wrong with this behavior, and there are plenty of people who come to the club, watch, and never play, but there is a different dynamic in a BDSM playspace than there is in a dance club, and we've seen that there is a type who can be disruptive (intentionally or unintentionally) because they don't get the attention they feel they deserve.


quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

quote:

ORIGINAL: Asmodeus
I think that's part of the issue; there are plenty of people who attend these things who are looking to make a fashion statement and aren't really into the scene itself.  I generally refer to them as the "look at me" crowd.  Unless they can be the center of attention they affect that "i'm so bored by this all" presentation to show the crowd how hip and worldly they are. 

These folks generally show up at the mixed dance/club/lifestyle events; not at the strictly BDSM parties.  I was involved recently in hosting a BDSM afterparty for a big club scene fetish event and at least a third of the 150 or so people that showed up between 2 & 3 AM after the big party were way out of their element, and, in most cases, didn't realize it.


I don't see anything wrong with people who do this.  For some, they get off on it.  It's their thing - even the fetish.  So what?  I am quite happy to indulge someones fetish in that sense.  In all honesty, we all know the clubs and groups people turn up to 'be' noticed at and the events that are more for the scening.  Doesn't make them less BDSMers just because they might scene in private, but want to watch a scene taking place.  Voyeurism, exhibitionism etc all abound and aren't lesser evils.  If people want to watch Darcy crack a cane over my arse, sobeit.  Maybe they are learning from it.  Maybe they are getting off on it.  Either way they are still participating, contributing to the upkeep and keeping the place buzzing, evn if all they are doing is standing around - having a drink and looking pretty(or not so pretty in some cases).
 
the.dark.


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RE: having the kit ... but it still being shit - 7/23/2008 7:19:25 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		I see the seemingly dispassionate couples and the those at the other end of the spectrum that play TO the crowd and put on a grand show....and all the couples who are at all points on the spectrum in between. The dispassionate ones might strike a momentary chord of sadness in me...and the show offs usually trigger a chuckle and a head shake. But beyond that, I don't give them a lot of thought. I'm there for what pleases Sir and myself...and to us...it's really about us. I'm there to see good friends, make some new ones, learn a new thing or two and share the time and experience things with my partner. Sometimes the "show" going on around us is entertaining...sometimes it's pretty pathetic....and sometimes I get lost in him and don't even notice that it's going on.

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RE: having the kit ... but it still being shit - 7/23/2008 7:24:40 AM   
eyesopened


Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: softness

quote:

ORIGINAL: eyesopened

Since you were sharing a booth with this couple, did you or your Minder strike up a conversation?  Talk with them or act friendly?



I actually did try and strike up a conversation with the women ... but she gave me the *filthiest* look .. like honestly it almost took my skin off. Minder did chat to the guy ... but he was totally trying to hit on her, which would explain why I was then treated to a further filthy looks from the woman.


*shrug* Beats me what could have been up with this couple, and my opinion is that the responses were rude.  Eh.  Not to hijack the thread but I remember a time when I went to an event with an acquaintance and we joined a "well respected, Lifestyle couple" who had nearly 'celebrity' status within the regional munch groups, and who were my escorts best and closest friends.  We all had dinner together before the event and while my acquaintance was away from the table, the Great and Wonderful Couple did nothing but glance around the restaurant and make the meanest, snarkiest comments about the other diners.  Some of the nasty comments were about physical characteristics that i shared with the poor unsuspecting victims.  i was miserable.  Needless to say, the rest of the weekend, i was quiet, reserved, and totally NOT connected with my acquaintance.  Had i agreed to get dressed up and 'scene' with my acquaintance, i'm sure we would have looked a lot like the couple you described.  The only difference is, I'm not snarky enough to inflict skin-peeling looks just because I'm having a bad day.

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RE: having the kit ... but it still being shit - 7/23/2008 7:29:43 AM   
softness


Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: eyesopened

The only difference is, I'm not snarky enough to inflict skin-peeling looks just because I'm having a bad day.



I think she was probably getting her middle class, housewife knickers in a twist because a 20-something femme girl was flirting the tits off a mid 40's Butch Dyke Domme across the table from her. People dont mind when its a guy around that age with a younger girl .. but they do not like it when its a woman.

but yeah .. bringing her bad day into a party atmosphere ... never a nice thing to do

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RE: having the kit ... but it still being shit - 7/23/2008 8:01:29 AM   
eyesopened


Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: softness

quote:

ORIGINAL: eyesopened

The only difference is, I'm not snarky enough to inflict skin-peeling looks just because I'm having a bad day.



I think she was probably getting her middle class, housewife knickers in a twist because a 20-something femme girl was flirting the tits off a mid 40's Butch Dyke Domme across the table from her. People dont mind when its a guy around that age with a younger girl .. but they do not like it when its a woman.

but yeah .. bringing her bad day into a party atmosphere ... never a nice thing to do


*smiles*  I'm sure if you ever met me in person you would be perhaps kind enough not to laugh in my face, but some of us fat old ugly past middle age bitches still have some value and worth.  It's a shame the female in question wasn't being gracious, because grace is always attractive.

edited to add:  Threads like this further make me see I will never fit into the public scene and would rather crawl under a rock and die that to been seen at a public Dungeon.

< Message edited by eyesopened -- 7/23/2008 8:06:50 AM >

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RE: having the kit ... but it still being shit - 7/23/2008 8:13:02 AM   
softness


Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline 		hey .. I wasn't getting at her middle class knickers .. I am to be wearing some in a few more years ... but its when you bring that external Women's Institute morality into a sex club that I get pissy ...

I get they still have their worth .. I spent my weekend in bed with one ... in fact I can't remember the last time I slept with someone not at least twice my age :) ... am sorry if I caused offense eyesopened ... none was intended.

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RE: having the kit ... but it still being shit - 7/23/2008 8:37:47 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: eyesopened
*smiles*  I'm sure if you ever met me in person you would be perhaps kind enough not to laugh in my face, but some of us fat old ugly past middle age bitches still have some value and worth.  It's a shame the female in question wasn't being gracious, because grace is always attractive.

edited to add:  Threads like this further make me see I will never fit into the public scene and would rather crawl under a rock and die that to been seen at a public Dungeon.


Being close to midde age myself, I can relate that I have worth, but I don't think that is what softness was saying.
I look way younger(so I am told) than my years and always have.  Women are judgemental bitches - I can say that and it rocks that judgements are used, but not to the detriment of those around you.  And if you let what people do and their behaviour stop you from attending a public dungeon, rather than because you don't want to attend, then your being totally judgemental without even getting to know people - do you see?
 
I don't see an age or an orientation or even a sex.  I see a person.  And regardless of what is said or done, why should I let it effect my enjoyment?  Every single place has its problems - the opera, playspaces, cinema, restaurents... it's not confined to one area.  Most people would be hermits is they lt every single negative encounter infect their lives.  I just don't get it.  Why do people, let other people  that they don't know have that much control over their lives?
 
the.dark.

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RE: having the kit ... but it still being shit - 7/23/2008 8:56:15 AM   
eyesopened


Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

quote:

ORIGINAL: eyesopened
*smiles*  I'm sure if you ever met me in person you would be perhaps kind enough not to laugh in my face, but some of us fat old ugly past middle age bitches still have some value and worth.  It's a shame the female in question wasn't being gracious, because grace is always attractive.

edited to add:  Threads like this further make me see I will never fit into the public scene and would rather crawl under a rock and die that to been seen at a public Dungeon.


Being close to midde age myself, I can relate that I have worth, but I don't think that is what softness was saying.
I look way younger(so I am told) than my years and always have.  Women are judgemental bitches - I can say that and it rocks that judgements are used, but not to the detriment of those around you.  And if you let what people do and their behaviour stop you from attending a public dungeon, rather than because you don't want to attend, then your being totally judgemental without even getting to know people - do you see?
 
I don't see an age or an orientation or even a sex.  I see a person.  And regardless of what is said or done, why should I let it effect my enjoyment?  Every single place has its problems - the opera, playspaces, cinema, restaurents... it's not confined to one area.  Most people would be hermits is they lt every single negative encounter infect their lives.  I just don't get it.  Why do people, let other people  that they don't know have that much control over their lives?
 
the.dark.

I totally see your point and apologize.  I wish to all gods I looked younger than my age but I don't, recently every year has decided to display itself on my body in one form or another.  I'm not almost middle-aged, I'm past it.  The reality is that I now have more history than future.  Of course that history has value, it has meaning 99% of it good and happy and emmensely satisfying.  And I understand I should not let the tittering of youngsters keep me from enjoying myself, but part of that history, the 1% painful part, is that I have been the brunt of cruel teasing all of my life.  I had hoped that public play spaces would be a tad more accepting.

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No one is honored for what they've received. Honor is the reward for what has been given.

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